Chapter Text
“Explain to me again why you’re doing this? Ruling out, I dunno…head trauma. Or Scorpion’s stinger.”
Peter’s protégé is judging him with the power of a thousand suns. Kind of literally.
His bioelectricity (venom, Miles and Ganke had named it) is still crackling from a skirmish they just got out of–halfway through their security stint for a particularly large prison convoy, they had to tangle with a rooftop of interlopers stocked with machine guns and rocket launchers.
It’s always a joy seeing, in action, how far Miles has come, but right now, pride side-steps to wedge in caution. Because the kid’s still glowing and Peter can’t say with absolute conviction that he won’t be venom-punched if his answer’s unsatisfactory.
“Because my girlfriend asked me to?” Peter utters in a duh tone through a mouthful of chicken fried rice. He digs into his paper container, muttering to himself about how generous his favorite takeout place had been with the chicken and extra fortune cookies. Compared to the last time he tried going as Peter Parker.
He won’t hesitate to flex the mask next time lunchtime rolls around. He’s a hungry guy, and he might as well use his street cred where he can, when New York’s cost of living makes it near impossible to cut corners in other places.
“Right, that part I get. And I know Jonah’s the worst. But are we forgetting that there’s a decent chance he still absolutely smokes you in a debate?”
Peter looks up sharply. “‘Scuse me?”
Miles tosses a steamed dumpling into his mouth, unfazed by his mentor’s scandalized glance. “Pete. You’re, like, the nicest guy I know.” He scoops up his soda cup and pauses, head tilting. “Okay, next to Ganke, I guess. When he’s not being an ass.”
“Ganke? I can’t see it.”
“Can’t see him being nice?”
“Can’t see him being an ass.”
“Well. You haven’t talked to him at two in the morning when Speed Nonagon’s new level breaks for the millionth time.” Miles takes a sip and adds in a mumble, “After I play-tested it too early.”
Peter snorts, shoveling another forkful from his container. “Right.”
“He also calls you that old guy from FEAST behind your back. So…”
“What?!” Peter almost chokes. “I’m twenty-four!”
Miles shrugs.
Peter gasps, betrayed. “Oh, my God. You think I’m old.”
“Hey, old people have common sense. I never accused you of that.”
“Okay, forget patrol. We’re going to May’s after this and figuring out how to revoke your spider bite.”
“You’re–“ Miles snort-laughs, rubbing his nose. “You’re making me forget my point.”
“I’m the nicest guy you know and also apparently the most decrepit.”
“Okay, yeah, and. You’re also a hothead when any sort of competition’s involved.”
“Um. No.”
“Um. Yeah,” Miles mocks his voice and Peter fights a grin. This kid. “Like, Ma praises you every chance she gets but that’s only because she’s never played Catan with you.”
Peter scoffs. “What does an incredibly frustrating board game have to do with me going on Jonah’s show?”
“Because Peter Parker might be a hothead some of the time but Spider-Man is a different story. You put on that mask and you lose your filter.”
“No idea what you could be referring to.” Peter shovels more rice in his mouth. “I’m your friendly neighborhood Spidey.”
“Who’s not above going for the jugular.”
“Only if that’s the optimal route to success.”
“So roasting dudes is just scientifically efficient.”
“Exactly. Pretty sure we covered this in your training.” Peter chews, tilting his head thoughtfully. “Say I do get a little more loud-mouthy with the mask on. One, it’s human nature. Two, so do you. And you’re lucky I’m not repeating things said on today’s convoy guard duty to Rio–“
Miles yanks his straw away from his mouth, eyes wide. “Nah, you wouldn’t–“
“Three. It’s giving Jameson the same energy he puts out. Should I show up on his podcast and be all yes, sir, Mister Jameson, sir, I soo hear what you’re saying about me being everything wrong with this city, can I interest you in the possibility that maybe…I’m…not?”
“Ugh. No. I’d have to publicly disassociate from you. Save my rep, at least.”
“Y’know, that’s fair.”
“If you have to do this, then…like, I’m not saying to be a pushover, obviously.”
“Right. Obviously.”
“But don’t get so riled up that you end up giving him the easiest opening to drag you through the mud."
"Funny you say that; you know all those times I listened to Just the Facts on patrol? Exposure therapy. An angry Jameson is like a white noise machine at this point."
“Yeaaah, okay. And when an angry Jameson is sitting right in front of you?"
"Then it's just like the good old days at the Bugle."
Miles sighs, cracking open his fortune cookie with a sort of resigned air about him. "...we're gonna have to do soo much damage control when you punch him in the face.”
“Some of you say I’m too tough on Spider-Man. That I quote-unquote SLANDER his name on this show and give him no chance to defend himself. Well, even if I may have my own feelings on the matter, I listen to what you’re saying. I HEAR you. And I think that even if it is highly unlikely that I’m going to take back ANY of the VERY FAIR criticisms I’ve given Spider-Man over the years, it is necessary to reiterate that I am open to other perspectives. I don’t deal in biases, I just deal in the FACTS.”
“Ooh, title drop,” Peter mumbles. His tongue peeks through the corner of his mouth in half-concentration as he tinkers with his spider bot. He’s lounging across the sofa in an ESU Physics Club hoodie and spider-themed pajama pants that MJ bought him back in December ‘because they were limited edition for the holidays. There’s little yous wearing Santa hats. Was I supposed to keep walking past them?’
“I have chills,” MJ deadpans, typing up a storm on her laptop. Peter's phone rests on the coffee table, the volume on the podcast app set at less than halfway because Jameson's "calm" voice is already about a level six and the couple are not looking to blister their eardrums.
"So, to show you what over a hundred episodes of this show should have made clear-that I don't seek controversy for the sake of it, I simply demand the TRUTH-" A measured inhale filters through the mic. "I have an announcement to make. This Friday, I am going to set things straight. I am going beyond opening the phone lines to this city’s fine citizens and essential workers, I am singling out the man himself.”
“Why is this a better drumroll than I was expecting? He’s literally hyping me up.” Peter presses a hand to his cheek. “MJ, I…I think I’m blushing.”
She sends him an apologetic smile. “You won’t be for long. I heard him rehearsing this spiel this morning.”
His hand limply falls to his chest. Spider bot wiggles its legs restlessly in his other hand. “Ugh. Holding the applause.”
“This Friday, ladies and gentlemen, I will NOT be criticizing Spider-Man live for your listening pleasure, without giving him a chance to…defend himself.” The words are spit out like poison. “Because he’ll be RIGHT HERE WITH ME.”
“He sounds excited,” Peter says weakly. “I hate that he sounds excited.”
“That’s right, folks. I, J. Jonah Jameson, am doing what no journalist has ever had the guts nor the resources to do. I am debating Spider-Man LIVE on my show, where we’ll finally settle the age-old question once and for all: Spider-Man, THREAT or MENACE?”
“That still doesn’t make any sense. You can be both, and it doesn’t even leave room for the option where I’m not actively terrorizing New Yo-”
“And for those of you who are at home saying to yourselves, Jonah, I just don’t believe you. Not even a man of your charisma and editorial prestige could wrangle the web-head into anything resembling an interview. How DID you pull this off?”
Peter pointedly rolls his head back on the couch armrest to stare at MJ. She purses her mouth at him.
“Maybe we slipped into an alternate universe where he’s actually about to credit me.”
“Think so?”
She sighs, slumping against the armchair. “No, I don’t.”
“Well, listeners, while I won’t give away ALL my secrets, know this: J. Jonah Jameson gets things DONE. Even the impossible, no-ESPECIALLY the impossible.” There’s a distant yell as he presumably leans away from the mic. “JARED, THAT’S OUR NEXT PROMOTIONAL TAGLINE, WRITE IT DOWN!” He clears his throat.
“This Friday, people. Spider-Man and I hash it out. The-the OLDER one, obviously, because while the younger one is JUST as guilty of gallivanting around this city LIKE HE OWNS IT!” Jonah takes another deep breath. “I will not debate a CHILD…or be accused of bullying one live on air. Again. ANYWAY. THIS FRIDAY. ELEVEN A.M. SPIDER-MAN VERSUS JAMESON, FLOOD SOCIAL MEDIA, TELL EVERYONE THAT THE TRUTH. WILL. PREVAIL.”
MJ nurses a bubble of gratitude when Peter webs his phone into his free hand and taps out of the app. Unlike her boyfriend, she doesn’t make a habit of tuning into Jonah’s somehow-lucrative podcast in her down time. She hears more than enough of him at work. At all times. His office door is functionally pointless.
But today, an exception was made and her boss needled his way into her rare hours of calm, because Peter and MJ needed to hear it to believe it: the debate is set.
And the clock’s officially ticking.
“No turning back now, little buddy,” Peter murmurs to the spider bot, flipping his hand so it could scuttle over his palm, down his arm, tucking into the crease of his hoodie.
MJ shuts her laptop before her brewing eye-strain spirals into a migraine and makes her way to the couch.
Peter sits up wordlessly, a hand snaking around her hip, and encourages her down to his lap. She does him one better and full-on collapses into his chest, weighed down by work anxieties. She’d once been the championing voice of work-life balance, lectured her stubborn superhero about it, and now, she’s not sure her own lines exist. Work is her life. Maybe it always was. But it didn’t used to be this distressing.
All she wants is to get to a point where her choices are her own again. Where she writes the stories she wants to write, free of fluff pieces and repetition and shitty only-serve-the-stuff-that-sells attitudes.
She’s almost there. She can practically taste it. Just beyond this Friday, when the world will be buzzing about the Spider-Man interview. MJ’s name will be inextricable from it. She’s already catching mournful eyes around the office, hears grumbled whispers trying to pin down how she pulled it off. They know it spells promotion. No one’s prying that from her without a fight, Sable stingray possibly included.
“Your spider bot’s getting too familiar,” her words come out muffled, with her cheek smushed against his shoulder. At some point, it slipped out from beneath Peter’s hoodie and scurried over MJ, scaling up her spine.
Peter runs a hand through her hair, snorting. “Spider bot’s trained to suss out crime like his dad, and you’re a soon-to-be murderer.”
“Who am I murdering?”
“New guy at the Bugle? Or has that ship sailed?”
“Oh, no, it’s still at the docks. And I’m loading it with explosives.”
His chest trembles with a wheeze-laugh and MJ can’t fight her smile. “MJ. You have to ignore him.”
“I’m ignoring him. I’m great at ignoring him. And then he tells me to enjoy my lunch break and not to work too hard and steals my Raft piece and CCs. Me. On. Emails.”
“You’ll CC him crying when you get promoted.”
“That was–“ MJ snorts at his joke, burying her face against his chest. “That’s so stupid, Pete.”
“Uh huh. I heard that snort.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Super hearing.”
She rolls her eyes. “If that’s actually a thing you have, swing past the Bugle around twelve tomorrow so you can hear me betting against you in the debate pool.”
“You guys have bets going?” He pauses. “…am I–“
She pats his chest. “Yes, you’re the crowd favorite.”
“Whew. Pressure’s on.”
That familiar lighthearted tone, a thin veneer if one listened hard enough–MJ’s heard it before. Usually when Peter’s facing a particularly strong foe and contending with nerves while his mind races to shape a plan. Superhuman reflexes and scientific genius won’t necessarily get him through this foe, though MJ has fantasized about seeing her asshole boss get socked in the face.
She bites her bottom lip, sympathetic. She’ll have access to the interview room, but that’s as far as her control of Debate Day goes.
The next part, the hard part, is on Peter: thwarting and gracefully refuting the arguments of a notorious loudmouth who–and it gives MJ actual stomach pain to admit it, even to herself–is still a hard-hitting rhetorician, at the end of the day. It’s fun–thrilling, really–to laugh off his quick temper and dizzying loops of logic that tie Spider-Man back into every problem–even the city’s plumbing. But those awards Jameson brandishes in his office aren’t just an indication of his ego. It’s a reminder of competence beneath the commotion.
The man loves arguing so much that he twisted it into a career. But Spider-Manning begs a fight, too. Every day. And Peter has a mean habit of making it out on top.
This will be no different. MJ would bet on it. Slam a fifty right on newbie Alex Taylor’s desk because of course that jerk is facilitating the pool.
Decisively, she pushes herself up, her forearms propped on Peter’s chest. And maybe is squinting a little too intensely, because he looks up at her warily. Even protectively swipes Spider Bot from the back of her sweater.
“MJ?” he says slowly, the same voice he uses when he’s trying to figure out if she’s in heat with the Bugle legal team again, or sneaking around a private militia’s military base.
“Pete. You’re going to win this.”
“Some people would argue that you don’t necessarily win a debate–“
“Some people haven’t met J. Jonah Jameson.”
“Wish I was some people,” he mutters, rubbing circles on her hips.
“Do you? Because some people would get their asses handed to them in a live debate like this. Lucky for us, you’re Spider-Man. People try to wipe the floor with you everyday.”
She realizes it’s questionable wording for a pep talk, but Peter smiles up at her.
“And they fail?”
“And they fail.” She purses her mouth. “Most of the time.”
“Well, they’re usually all sticks and stones. Guess Friday we find out if words will actually hurt me.” His mouth scrunches in thought. “I’ve never fought a wordsmith before. Unless we’re counting Vulture when he gets all Shakespearean.”
“It’s easy. You use their own weapon against them.”
“That glint in your eye, it’s like–I kind of want to let you be the tactician to all my fights from now on.”
“I already have a full-time job.”
“Nope, it’s decided. I’m breaking Rhino out of the Raft next week and we’re going for another round, this time with you in my ear, Ms. Miyagi.”
“Leave your enemies alone, adrenaline junkie.” She presses a kiss to his mouth before he can retort. “And focus on mine this week.”
“And we’re sure we wanna do it this way? ‘Cause it’s not too late to shift to the alternative option.”
“The alternative being…”
“I creep into the Bugle after official working hours and spider scare the crap out of Jonah until he gives you a promotion and fires New Guy?”
“Wha–“ She shifts a knee beside his thigh and plants her palms on his shoulders, frowning. “That was an option?”
“It is now.”
A grin twitches at her mouth. “You said you weren’t my hitman.”
“I’m not, buuuut I could be your boogeyman.”
“I think I just want you to be Spider-Man.”
Hazel eyes spark anew. “That–“
“This Friday.” She smiles knowingly. “At eleven.”
He sighs. “Yeah, that…that works.”
JJJatHome: THIS Friday, 11 AM. New York’s most prominent personality and award-winning journalist, J. Jonah Jameson, takes on the SPIDER-MAN.
NYCWallCrawler: Love that you made it sound like we’re death wrestling...
NYCWallCrawler: @ProducerJared is there something your boss isn’t telling me
ClarkG: Bro wtf
ClarkG: It’s legit???
Betty_W: @ClarkG spidey’s prob just clowning him.
No1Brushhead: About time! Spider Freak is in for a rude awakening.
J_Surya: @No1Brushhead bro posts like he’s a cartoon henchman
No1BrushHead: @J_Surya I thought I blocked you already.
SpiderNerdAmy: Omg I wrote about this exact scenario in my Spidey self-insert fic. You got this @NYCWallCrawler!
Jessie36: @SpiderNerdAmy …u wrote about Spider-Man getting schooled in front of the entire city?
SpiderNerdAmy: @Jessie36: No..I wrote about him schooling JONAH.
Jessie36: @SpiderNerdAmy ok. where does the self insert factor in to this?
SpiderNerdAmy: @Jessie36 You can literally just read it and find out
Lady_Luce: Why the hell is Spidey even giving him the time of day
EgleY: @Lady_Luce who knows but I got my popcorn ready
Fadedglory63: @Lady_Luce @EgleY listening party at my apartment, take a shot every time Jameson says “spider menace” or refers to himself in the third person
Lady_Luce: @Fadedglory63 are you trying to kill me
BradDavisQB: LETS GO SPIDEY
ESUboo: @BradDavisQB fanboy’s at it again 🎉
BradDavisQB: @ESUboo Erica I would move mountains for him. It’s literally what I train for
ESUboo: @BradDavisQB telling the football team immediately :/
BradDavisQB: @ESUboo GOOD. they should know the truth
MichaelG: @NYCWallCrawler holy shit is @BKLYNSpider42 gonna be on too?
NYCWallCrawler: @MichaelG No, I’m the Spidey rep this time. Lost a bet.
BKLYNSpider42: @MichaelG It’s a questionable 1v1 but that 2v1 would just be cruel lol
JJJatHome: @ProducerJared How do I lock this thread??