Chapter Text
Falling Apart, Barely Breathing
In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there.
Chapter 57: The View Between Villages
On their second day in New York, Meredith and Addison decide to go to a new neighborhood, and explore Chinatown.
"These shops are so interesting," says Meredith.
"Yeah," says Addison.
Meredith gets hungry halfway through the day, and they settle down and get flavored chicken-nuggets that are absolutely unreal.
Later on, they walk back to the center of town and get smoothies from a fruit stand. Meredith gets a strawberry smoothie, and Addison gets a blueberry smoothie.
They walk with them until they reach the Statue of Liberty, and they admire it from a distance.
"Do you want to get closer to it?" asks Addison.
"Nah," says Meredith. "Let's just take some of those cheesy photos where we pretend that we're standing on top of it."
"Okay," says Addison, as she sets up the shot for them, and they take it together.
They're holding hands in the picture, and they're kissing afterward.
It's mushy-cute, and they love that.
To continue being mushy-cute, Meredith and Addison buy one of those lock and key sets, but they don't lock it onto a bridge, they keep it as matching necklaces, and lock the lock to their suitcase as a souvenir.
Tonight, Addison gets to pick out dinner, and she picks a vegan restaurant that is famous for its exceptionally tasty plant-based food. Meredith was initially sceptical about it, but she ended up loving it.
All during dinner, Meredith plays footsie with Addison under the table, stroking up her calves, and touching the edge of her knee.
She does it until Addison starts squirming, and then she stops before Addison protests, and then starts up again.
"Meredith-" Addison whines.
"What?" Meredith asks in an innocent voice.
"You're teasing-" says Addison.
"Hmm?" says Meredith with a sly grin.
"You're teasing me. You're all but feeling me up in the restaurant!" Addison whisper-shouts.
"You like it," Meredith smirks at her.
"It's naughty-" says Addison.
"And… You like it," says Meredith, as she reaches across the table, and places her palm on Addison's knee.
"Meredith!?" Addison admonishes her girlfriend.
"What?" says Meredith coyly. "It's just your knee, it's not even dirty-" says Meredith.
"Yeah but you're touching me. And it's under the table-" says Addison.
"And…" says Meredith. "You still like it," Meredith grins, as she moves her hand slightly up towards Addison's thigh.
"Stop that!" Addison giggles, as she slaps Meredith's hand away.
"What?" says Meredith.
"Stop…" Addison leans in to whisper more quietly. "You're making me want to-"
But Meredith doesn't get to hear Addison answer that question, unfortunately, because just as she is about to, Mark and Derek walk into the restaurant.
"So what does vegan actually mean?" Mark asks awkwardly.
"No meat or dairy or any animal products?" Derek answers eagerly (he's obviously done his research).
"Correct," says Addison.
"I just like this place because it's delicious!" says Meredith.
"True," says Mark, agreeing.
Meredith and Addison give each other intense eye contact now because they're trying to be polite and not look dejected over not being able to continue playing footsie under the table again, as they just had recently been, previously.
Mark and Derek, however, are not experiencing any similar qualms over it.
"Ow!" says Derek.
"What?" says Mark.
"You actually kicked me!" says Derek, grumpily.
"I was like… Never mind…" says Mark, sheepishly.
"Wait what, I want to know now!" says Derek.
"I'm going to get some water," says Mark, as he abruptly gets up from the table.
"But there's some right here?" says Derek, as he points to the jug on the table.
Mark pretends not to see him, though, as he walks in the direction of the washrooms.
Meredith picks up on the fact that he might need some comfort, so she walks in the same direction as him a few minutes later.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Meredith offers.
"Do you think they can hear us?" Mark whispers.
"We're in a hallway and we're pretty quiet," says Meredith.
"That's what she said!" says Mark.
"Wouldn't it be 'that's what he said,' in your case?" Meredith quips.
"Touché" says Mark.
"That's what Addison would say," Meredith giggles. "Gosh I wish I knew French. When she speaks it, I just about lose my mind at it.
"I get that," says Mark. "Trust me, believe me, I get it." Mark giggles. "I pined over Addison for literal years. I might even be better at it than you are!" says Mark.
"I pined over Derek before. Does that make us allies?" says Meredith.
"I suppose it does," says Mark.
"We're taking it slowly but I always want more," admits Meredith. "We have deep feelings, or at least I do. I've never felt this way before, about anyone, literally ever. Not even Derek!" says Meredith.
"How do you find it different?" asks Mark.
"I don't know," says Meredith. "It's hard to put a finger on it," says Meredith.
"But you'd like to put a finger on her-"
"Okay, we don't need to be crude," says Meredith.
"Sorry," says Mark. "I deflect my emotions through overly sexual humour," says Mark.
"I've noticed," Meredith giggles.
"Should I show up with water now seeing as that's the lame excuse I took to come out here?" asks Mark.
"Well, you could ask them for another jug to bring out. Or you could get a bottle? A glass seems a bit minimalistic, but that's also an option," suggests Meredith.
"Would one of each of them be like, overkill?" asks Mark.
"Can you carry all 3 of them without dropping any of them?" inquires Meredith.
"No, but you're here, aren't you?" asks Mark.
"You know there are politer ways to ask someone if they can carry something y'know," Meredith teases.
"Can you help?" asks Mark.
"I can just take all of them," says Meredith. "Because I am a strong and independent lesbian, and I don't need no man to-"
"But it's my excuse for leaving," says Mark. "If you carry them all out for me then what was I gone for, then?" Mark panics.
"Everyone knows it was a lame excuse anyway," says Meredith. "We all had full glasses, and there was a literal jug on the table."
"Ha- jugs!" says Mark.
"You know you won't get those anymore if you pick men," Meredith deadpans.
"Also touché," says Mark.
"But I will!" says Meredith.
"I'd say I was jealous, but I have undergone some serious character development since then," says Mark.
"You have," says Meredith.
"Do you think that you have, also?" says Mark.
"Maybe, but it's hard to see it sometimes in yourself," confesses Meredith.
"I think you have," says Mark.
"Are you just saying that because it's the right thing to do right now? Because it's what I want to hear, what I need to hear? So that's why you're saying it?" ask Meredith, quietly.
"Does it matter?" asks Mark. "Even if it was, and I'm not saying it is, I'm just validating your insecurities, here… Even if I was just saying what you needed to hear in order to be supported in that particular moment, it can still be meaningful to you, to know that I'm looking out for you, right?" offers Mark.
"I suppose so," says Meredith. "I think I'll still always be wondering if you like, really 'meant it,' or if you were 'just saying it,' because I needed to hear it," says Meredith.
"Probably," says Mark. "But for whatever it's worth, I think we're all a little bit like that sometimes, are we not?" Mark shrugs.
"I just don't want to mess this up; this vacation, this relationship, this 'whatever it is.' offers Meredith. I know that I've gotten second chances before, and I don't want to waste them. I don't want to waste time, I don't want to waste love. I won't want to lose the best I've ever had, even if I won't think I'm worth loving this much, most of the time," offers Meredith.
"I don't think genuine love will ever be wasted," says Mark.
"How did you become the optimist here?" offers Meredith.
"I don't know," offers Mark. "Maybe I'm just saying the right thing to say because it's the right thing to say right now," offers Mark.
"Now look at who's being touché!" offers Meredith.
"Your French pronunciation could use some improvement," says Mark bluntly, but there's a smile in the corner of his eyes to show it's just teasing.
"I'll see if Addison can give me some lessons sometime," says Meredith, newly confidently.
"Atta girl," says Mark.
"I'd say 'attaboy,' back at you but it feels a little bit strange to be honest," Meredith giggles.
"Ya we don't have to talk about that one," says Mark.
"Thank you," says Meredith.
"You're welcome," says Mark.
"I meant about… All of it," offers Meredith.
"I know," says Mark.
"Okay thank you," says Meredith.
"You too, eh?" says Mark.
"You're welcome," Meredith shrugs, but Mark knows that it's far more in-depth than offhanded. "And for whatever it's worth, I think that if somebody really cares about you in particular, that one of the signs of love is giving them just enough second chances. And that they'll know what you need, maybe even more than you really do," offers Meredith.
"Maybe," says Mark. "But that doesn't mean I won't try to get it right the first time," says Mark.
"Truth," says Meredith. "It's the effort that really counts, anyway," says Meredith.
"Is it, though?" offers Mark.
"I can't be really sure, can I?" says Meredith. "But it's the best I've got to go on right now."
"I think I'm gonna ask them for a keg but it's filled up with water," says Mark, decisively.
"Just don't ask him to shotgun the entire thing," says Meredith. "Because he totally will, and then he might get like, excessive electrolyte imbalance or something and then we'll have to take him in for surgery but like on our vacation," says Meredith.
"I know a guy for that actually," says Mark. "You see there's this-"
"If this is a woman you should really say so-" says Meredith.
"I know a girl that sounds a bit dirty," says Mark.
"Less so, since you're like, a little more than a little bit gay now though, right," offers Meredith.
"Ok fine, so I know a girl- woman- surgeon with- anyway, I know the world-leading expert in electrolyte rebalancing surgery and you see she was a good time this one time because-"
"I'm leaving now," says Meredith, abruptly.
"Hey, wait up!" says Mark, as he chases her back to the table.
"Wait, where's the water?" says Derek.
"You were gone to get it so long, we'd have figured you'd have at least brought us back like a fish bowl by now or something?" asks Addison.
"Wasn't there some on the table when we left?" says Meredith.
"We drank it all because you were gone to get more," says Derek.
"Oh," says Mark. "Oh wait my bad," says Mark.
"Just ask the server for it," says Meredith, as she tries to flag him down.
"Can we have some water please?" asks Addison.
"Sure," says the server. "You all must be really thirsty, huh?" the server gently teases. "This is the third jug we've brought over here in the past like, half-hour.
"You already got REFILLS without us!?" exclaims Meredith.
"Hey I had one job!" says Mark.
"You don't even work here, I do," says the server.
"Can we take it to go, actually?" asks Addison.
"I think we'll have to get you some bottles then," suggests the server.
"Yeah, can we do that instead?" asks Meredith.
"I'll get the bill," offers Derek.
"Aren't you hungry though? Not to pry, but like, you've never ordered anything?" says the server.
"You never asked," says Addison.
"I was waiting until everyone was seated?" says the server.
"Oh wait right," says Mark.
"Oops," says Meredith.
"Can we see a takeout menu?" asks Addison.
"Yeah, because we're clearly all just a bit hangry," says Derek.
"Speak for yourself," says Mark.
"Don't even worry about it," says the server. "Happens to me all the time."
"It would though," suggests Addison. "Seeing as you're a server and all, right?" asks Addison.
"Ok guys, lock in now, please," Meredith says very assertively, "cause we've got some appetizers to decide on."
*
*
*
*
*
*****END OF CHAPTER 57
Author's notes:
Waves* I'm BACK?
(Author smiles sheepishly from afar)
Ps. umm if there's any inconsistencies in this story as in it doesn't make sense with the precious chapter, erm my bad, pls just enjoy them as "easter eggs" I suppose; I only sort of remember what I wrote before because I've never re-read my entire own story and its been like 3 years now oops. I re-read chapter 56 to write this one but that's about literally it. LOL! You'll know this story's internal cannon very much likely better than I do by now!
To the readers of this story from when it first started, know its been literal actual years! I'm still alive… And I'm still writing this… And I haven't forgotten about it, or any/all of you, as faithful #meddison readers.
It is very important to me, to take a moment and say thank you to everyone who has made it this far in this novel, and to really say thank you for all the commenters out there; this was a novel written during the deep pandemic world shutdown times, and I looked forward to hearing your feedback I can imagine just as much as you looked forward to reading the updates.
Years later, I still hold onto (and will forever hold onto) all of the positive feedback, analysis, speculations about this and the many other pieces of writing. You matter very much to me, and your words, and your grace, and your kudos/favourites/stars/bookmarks/subscriptions/ and more, all make this an incredible interactive, supportive, and transformative writing space and experience.
Sometimes stories are what we turn to when we're desperately lonely, or isolated, or feeling really down on ourselves; that's why I'm here at least, and I can imagine that it might be the same sometimes for other people. Sometimes comfort is in some fluff, or angst, or longing, and just seeing someone else pining and then finding love gives us the hope that we might each and all of us figure that out for ourselves sometime, and someday.
As I springboard past that part, what I also do want to convey in this author's note, is that by opening up about my own vulnerabilities and struggles, and doubts as a reader/writer (being self-critical, not wanting to be depending on validation or comments to be able to continue, writing out of love and not out of pressure, obligation, or some other sort of maladaptive reason…) that other budding authors might be inspired to throw their hat into that metaphorical ring also.
TL;DR
Your words have mattered to me. And they will continue to matter to me. And I thank you for that.
Your stories untold will matter to me and others in the future. And I invite you to share them in any way that you like when you are ready to do so, and I accept if that's not something you're ready for, or may never want to participate in, also.
You're not alone in seeking comfort in fanfiction characters and stories, and for being on the internet reading fanfiction and fanfiction comments when you're going through some hard times. If it hasn't been said to you, recently, or maybe even like, ever…
You matter.
You matter at the very least to me, even though we have never met before, and probably will never meet ever, and even if we do meet it will definitely probably be only anonymously on the internet.
And what helps me most to get out of my head when I wonder if everyone secretly hates me and if I'm worth existing, or help, or support, is just to say thank you to someone, for something, to let them know that they are appreciated. Because at the end of the day, they're probably struggling too, and at least in sharing that moment together, might we all be a little less lonely than we were just a minute ago.
Aka… Go thank an author (not just like, me! There are some AMAZING authors out there that I'm so stoked for. This ship has EXPLODED in recent years, and I am so here for it. Thanks #meddison community for being so awesome. And a big welcome to all those who wish to now join it and be a part of it).
And before you ask for more (because we, as authors, will ALWAYS leave you unsatisfied and begging for more…) think about how we might all be a bit more grateful for what we just got.
I'm planning to see you around for at least probably a chapter 58 of this story, someday… But I cannot promise at this time that the someday will be soon… So goodluck everyone, and happy (re?)-reading.
And may you hear it here to take care of yourself, that you are enough, and that I am sending much love to you, always, your humble reader/author,
bobbiejelly