Chapter Text
By the time Saint gets home that night, his affliction hasn’t completely worn off yet and he feels as lost as he did when he was 16 and Shinless. Back then he lost him because of his own stupidity and he’s not pleased to find out that he’s the type of man who doesn’t learn from his mistakes, even more than a decade later. He has grown older and even taller but not any wiser.
He hears his dad snoring upstairs when a crushing sense of helplessness begins to loom over him. His hands move on their own and he’s dialing Peeta’s number almost without realizing.
“Saint?” Her voice sounds drowsy over the phone and Saint’s first instinct is to apologize for the inconvenience.
“I’m sorry for calling you at this hour, I just…” He runs a hand through his hair. “I needed to talk to someone.”
The rustling sound of what he guesses are her bed sheets tells him that something in the way he delivered that last sentence has set off enough alarms for her to sit up.
“Is everything okay?” The sheer concern in her tone makes him feel even worse about himself. “What happened?”
Saint walks to the dining table, dragging one of the chairs out to sit in it with a long sigh. A deep sense of dread gets a hold of him as he recalls the words he and Shin had exchanged barely half an hour ago.
“He’s seeing someone, Peeta.” He feels as though the air has been knocked out of his lungs when he voices his worst fear for the first time since he heard the news. “Shin’s dating some other guy.”
A long pause stretches between them for what feels like an eternity. Saint doesn’t know if Peeta is nearly as flabbergasted as he was when Shin dropped the bomb on him until she speaks again. His friend sounds rather calm and collected, as if trying to assess how far gone he is before she can decide where this conversation is going to go.
Not that Saint expected any less from someone who graduated with honors from Law School.
“Are you sure of what you just said?” Saint knows she’s frowning without having to see it. “Or is this another instance of you making the wrong assumption all on your own and refusing to ask for clarification?”
Saint didn’t call her just so she could scold him but he’s not dumb enough to say that. The fact that she picked up the phone at almost 2 in the morning and is willing to hear him out instead of telling him to fuck off is something he should be grateful for.
He can’t thank Peeta enough for lending him an ear whenever there’s something troubling him, especially if it concerns his relationship with Shin.
“They’ve been texting back and forth for over a month, make of that what you will.”
Peeta sighs and Saint is tempted to do the same but doesn’t.
“I’m going to be very honest with you right now.” She pauses, then asks; “Is that okay?”
Her wariness gets a little smile out of him. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
She mumbles something Saint doesn’t get to decode because she starts lecturing him almost in the same breath.
“Remember what you talked to me about back in high school? That promise you two made regarding your future?” Saint hums in affirmation. “Well, I’d say he probably thought you didn’t mean it since you never brought it up again and I can’t really blame him if that’s the case.”
When a very ecstatic 19 year old Saint told Peeta about the arrangement he came up with to ensure Shin would never leave his side, all she could do was look at him like he’d grown a second head. He thought the idea was nothing short of brilliant until he pitched in the details and the girl’s face grew paler by the second.
“Why didn’t you just tell him the truth?” She asked, completely puzzled. “What if he thinks you were just messing with him?”
“I told him I meant every word I said!”
“You also framed it as something you can do as a last resort when you get older because it’s convenient, which doesn’t sound all that great, in my opinion.”
Saint’s hands start sweating uncontrollably at the memory.
Is he really just as stupid as he used to be back in the day? Has he learned nothing ever since?
“How could I bring it up again when you told me what a terrible idea that was? I didn’t want to upset him!”
She clicks her tongue and that’s all Saint needs to hear before it dawns on him that the earful he’s about to get will be generational. Something tells him it’s long overdue, too.
“I’ve told you this a hundred times and I’ll keep doing it until you get it into your thick skull,” Saint’s throat dries up, “Shin doesn’t want empty words that amount to nothing! He needs you to show him you’re serious about him through your actions.”
Saint knows that much, at least. He came to the same realization when he was trying to get Shin to forgive him in the past.
At first, Saint wouldn’t hesitate to say everything he thought Shin wanted to hear but he was met with anger and frustration every single time and it took him a hot minute to figure out why. As it turns out, Saint’s words no longer meant much to Shin because all the promises he once made ended up unfulfilled when he walked out of his life after turning it upside down.
He swore he would never ditch him but that’s exactly what he did, like the stupid coward he was. That’s why nothing he said from that point onwards could make Shin’s resolve waver the slightest bit.
Only when Saint’s actions began to speak louder than his words was Shin able to trust him again—to just as Peeta said.
“You’ve had plenty of time to tell him that you love him and to show him that the proposal came from a place of affection rather than suitability but you haven’t, Saint.”
Her statement feels like a stab to the heart and that’s exactly how he knows she’s right.
“You chose to stay complacent and now that he’s dating someone else, you’re losing your mind?” She’s not trying to be rude by any means but that doesn’t make her words hurt any less. “I’m afraid that’s not how it works, buddy.”
Saint’s chest aches at the thought of his lack of self-awareness being the reason why he’s lost Shin.
The harsh truth is that he couldn’t bring himself to tell Shin how he really felt all those years ago because he was terrified of ruining the bond they had just been able to restore. All Saint knew was that he wanted them to stay together until the end of time but he couldn’t imagine risking the stability that a long-term friendship would bring them just because he was stupid enough to fall in love with his best friend.
Having to hide the actual depth of his feelings just so that Shin would never leave his side? Saint could do that. His greed is what led them to their breaking point in the first place so he wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice.
But he had no idea that his determination would be put to a test not long after he finally made up his mind to remain just friends—the moment a new transfer student had the audacity to have his eye on Shin as soon as he stepped into their classroom.
The guy whose name Saint can’t even remember was fairly nice and he didn’t seem to have much trouble getting along with everyone from the get go. He gravitated towards Tew, First and Tangmay the most since they shared some common interests but for some reason unbeknownst to Saint, his eyes would stop on Shin longer than he would’ve liked and that was starting to be a problem. Saint couldn’t help his hands from closing into fists whenever that dude approached Shin to strike up a conversation under the guise of ‘wanting to get to know him better.’
Shin wasn’t particularly reserved but he liked to be selective with the people he chose to let into his inner circle, hence his initial caution. Saint was glad to see that was the case until it wasn’t.
That bastard managed to break down all of his walls by showing an excessive amount of enthusiasm towards his favorite hobby—soccer. Saint was sure that him attaining that knowledge out of nowhere was somehow Tew and First’s doing but he tried to remain civil with them for Shin’s sake.
After a while and to his dismay, that jerk was confidently all over Shin and Saint’s vision was starting to turn red as a default.
“You have nothing to worry about, Saint.” Eve had said on one of those days where Shin’s attention wasn’t entirely focused on him, which made his stomach churn with jealousy. “He isn’t the lunatic-puppy type for Shin to find him remotely attractive, I think you’re good.”
Airy elbowed her as she quickly fabricated an encouraging smile. “What Eve means to say is, Shin only has eyes for you and no one else! Right, Peeta?”
Peeta’s gaze locked in on Saint, a weak shrug being the only answer she could come up with.
“You guys are not helping like, at all.” Airy whispered, exasperated.
Although Saint had never really spoken to the girls about it, they were pretty much aware of the true nature of his feelings for Shin. They attributed it to something called ‘feminine intuition’ and even if that explanation didn’t make much sense to him, he knew how to pick his battles.
Despite how helpful they all tried to be in their own unique ways, Saint always went to Peeta first when in need of advice. She was the first one to catch on and ask him about Shin directly and to be fair, talking to her about him was easier since she always went straight to the point. She didn’t like beating around the bush and that’s exactly what someone as hardheaded as Saint needed.
It’s also why he instinctively called her tonight, instead of anyone else.
Even after all the nagging he was subjected to when he told her all about his infamous plan, a part of him still believed that he did the right thing.
Sure, he felt like a selfish prick for wanting to keep Shin all to himself when he couldn’t even be honest about his feelings but what was the alternative supposed to be? Having to watch someone else claim the spot in Shin’s life that he desperately yearned for, but didn’t have the guts to take possession of?
At the end of the day, subtly deterring Shin from dating someone else was all Saint could do if he didn’t want to lose him.
Or so he thought, but now… he might be starting to see just how wrong he had been for trying to leave Shin without options.
Saint could spend his entire life devoting himself to him, not giving a damn about anyone else and feeling quite content living in that reality—but what about Shin? He never really agreed to the proposal to begin with, he just called Saint crazy and laughed awkwardly before changing the topic like he was dying to talk about something else.
Was he completely against it? Is that why he never mentioned it again, either? Did he hate the idea of being stuck with him for the rest of their lives that much?
Maybe he did want to fall in love with someone at some point.
Someone who wasn’t Saint.
The girls used to proclaim that his feelings weren’t unrequited and that Shin’s emotional constriction was the only thing stopping him from making the first move but for the longest time, Saint believed otherwise.
Of course, there was no doubt Shin loved him. He made sure to prove that time and time again and no one in their right mind would dare to deny it. But to Saint, the kind of love Shin professed to him didn’t necessarily have to stem from the same place. And even if it did, Saint knew that Shin deserved something—someone—better. He didn’t think that way at all times but when the idea randomly popped up in his head, it took everything in him to suppress it.
His self-destructive tendencies were his worst enemy.
“You wanted a reality check,” Peeta’s stern voice brings him back to the present, “well, there you have it.”
Saint is so crestfallen he doesn’t even know what to say. “Do you think it’s too late for me to make things right?”
Peeta scoffs, not at him but at the absurdity of the question. “When has that ever stopped you before?”
He winces, confused out of his mind. “I can’t tell if you’re suggesting that I throw in the towel or not.”
A small yawn escapes her lips. Saint feels like an asshole for keeping her up this late and he makes a mental note to remember that he owes her one.
“I’m not suggesting anything, Saint.” He checks the time on the clock that’s hanging on the wall, parroting the sound she just made as he feels the day’s exhaustion starting to creep in. “I think you should do whatever your heart tells you to do. Just don’t spend the rest of your life regretting it, you dummy.”
***
The morning after, Saint receives Anya and Chingchin’s birthday wishes with the brightest smile he can form and ignores the acute pain in the pit of his stomach when he tells Shin the biggest lie he’s ever told.
“But I meant it when I said I’m happy for you.”
He inspects Shin’s face in search of any sign of displeasure but he can’t tell what his current expression could possibly mean. His lips are pressed into a thin line and he’s staring into space, avoiding all sorts of eye contact. He doesn’t look like he’s going to answer any time soon, that’s for sure.
If Peeta’s late-night therapy session has taught him anything, it’s that respecting Shin’s choice is the least Saint can do after so many years of causing him nothing but trouble and distress.
The last thing he wants is to keep hurting the person he treasures the most in the whole world with his infinite egoism. He wants nothing more than to see Shin happy, even if it won’t be by his side or in the way he had originally envisioned.
Saint can settle for a friendship that will last a lifetime because he knows he can be the best friend that Shin needs, but anything beyond that? He can’t promise it won’t be bound to fail as long as he deems himself inadequate, which happens most of the time anyway.
Saint loves Shin too much to sentence him to a life of pain and unmet expectations. He won’t let his shortcomings get in between them ever again.
That’s why he swallows the jealousy that threatens to eat away at him when he says;
“You deserve to be with someone who can love you right, Ai’Shin.”
And there it is—the second biggest lie Saint has ever told and the one that deals the final blow to his already battered heart.