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“Do the Propeller,
Do the Propeller Around and Around!
Statue, statue, statue, propeller!”
The Wiggles dropped their arms as they finished the song. A smattering of applause came from the catering table as the crew with free hands golf-clapped.
“I really see what you mean Simon,” Lachy, the purple Wiggle, said.
“Thank you,” Simon replied, his red shirt gleaming in the studio lights.
“Yeah,” Anthony said, straightening his blue shirt. “I think your operatic take on this new arrangement will be just about perfect for the Sydney concert.”
“Thanks guys,” Simon said.
Emma, the yellow Wiggle, said, “When the crews’ lunch break is over I'd like to get a take on tape so we can go over the choreography one last time. There's a bit we've added with our left legs during the ‘up up up up’ line I'm a little unsure about.”
“Good idea,” Simon said. “I think that bit may be putting too much focus on me, and the set currently has ‘Simon Says’ pretty early. You know how I feel about too many ‘soft focus’ incidents. It really-”
All four Wiggles said together, “Diminishes and dilutes the solos.” They shared a chuckle at the oft-repeated line.
“Well that's howI feel!” Simon said in mock exasperation.
The discussion was cut short by the sound of an explosion outside. The building shook. Dust and loose paint fluttered to the ground and a poorly secured light fell, crashing next to the “Big Red Car.”
“What was that!” Lachy yelled.
“Code Zed! Code Zed!” They heard Leah, their stage manager, yelling from the control booth.
Anthony and Simon looked at each other and said, “Code Zed” in unison. For Simon it was a question. Anthony said it with resignation.
“Huh?” Said Lachy.
Emma’s reaction was different. “Oh My! A code Zed! I can't believe it's happening!” She clapped her hands. “I mean, it's bad it's happening but I have to admit I'm kind of excited.” She then darted off towards a disused back corner of the studio yelling, “Follow me Wiggles!”
“That was a battle cry,” Lachy said.
“Yeah,” Simon said. “Where do those stairs go anyway?”
Leah grabbed Simon and Lachy by an arm each, “Come ON!” She yelled. “Follow her. That's your bomb shelter. Ours is near the control booth.”
“Wait,” Lachy said. “Why would we have our own bomb shelter? Isn't that kind of egotistical? Who would be bombing Australia anyway?”
“You didn't read your contracts, did you?” Leah said, clearly annoyed.
“And why did you refer to our bomb shelter like the phrase was a euphemism? Your tone was pretty-”
“MOVE!” Leah said, practically throwing Simon in the direction Emma had run. She then kicked Lachy in the rump to get him moving in the right redirection. Anthony was already jogging towards the bomb shelter as he said, “I'm getting too old for this.”
“Too old for WHAT?” Lachy yelled after him as he rubbed his rump where Leah had kicked him.
After navigating the narrow stairway they found themselves in a winding hallway that sloped sharply downward. The tunnel ended in a large room with banks of monitors and multiple computer keyboards scattered across standing desks. Emma was in the room looking towards the door, practically bouncing with excitement.
“Where’s Paul?” Anthony asked just as Simon and Lachy were entering.
As if on queue, Paul Paddick, better known to the public as “Captain Feathersword,” slid down a long metal pole that descended from the ceiling.
“Why's Paul get a fireman’s pole?” Lachy said, an edge of panic coming into his confusion.
“I asked for it in contract negotiations” Paul replied.
“What is going on?” Simon bellowed in his deepest, most commanding voice, also sounding a little panicked.
“Oh gaw,” Paul said, taking off his eyepatch and pirate hat. “Don't tell me he didn't read the contract.”
“I don't think they did,” Emma said.
“They?” Paul said, “Him too?” He pointed at Lachy with his thumb.
“Oh no,” Simon said.
“Oh what?” The Wiggles responded in unison, reflexively reacting to the opening line of one of their common routines.
“Oh no,” Simon said again.
“Oh come on,” Lachy said, “Now’s not the time for a-”
“Look!” Simon bellowed pointing at one of the gigantic monitors.
Lachy looked and saw footage of a dozen or so nearly identical, hopping, creatures that looked like a mad scientist had fused kangaroos, great white sharks and, inexplicably, Kiwi birds. Lachy said “KangaSharks! They haven't been seen in years!”
“They've returned,” Anthony said seriously. He took a bite out of an apple he'd grabbed before coming downstairs, somewhat spoiling the effect of his serious tone.
“Well yeah,” Lachy said, “And if the Power Rangers don't come back now too the city's toast. They haven't been seen in years either.” Lachy’s eyes scanned the room, taking in his surroundings. In addition to the bank of monitors showing security footage of a city under siege, there was a martial arts training area, some free weights and a series of doors, each ringed with a primary color. Lachy looked down at his purple shirt, Simon’s red, Anthony’s blue and Emma’s yellow. Then he noticed Paul, Captain Feathersword, had taken off his pirate outfit to reveal a gold shirt. “Oh no,” Lachy said. “WE’RE the Power Rangers, aren't we?”
“Oh yes,” said Paul, Emma and Anthony in response.
“It's morphing time!” Emma cheered!
“Actually,” Anthony said, tossing her the yellow morpher, “Our phrase is ‘Ready, Steady, Battle.’”
Emma strapped the morpher to her wrist and called out, “Ready, Steady, Battle!” A helmet formed around her head, sending tendrils that looked like yellow paper mache down her body. In moments the mystic armor had hardened into a shining, spandex-like shell.
“Why is she wearing pointe shoes? Do I have to wear pointe shoes?” Lachy said.
“They're not really point shoes,” Emma said, lifting a foot to get a better look. “They're more like rock climbing shoes, but I think they can shift into pointe shoes if I want them too.”
“How did the Wiggles end up Power Rangers anyway?” Simon asked Anthony, the only one of them who'd been one of the original Wiggles.
“You have it backwards,” Anthony said. “We formed the Wiggles as a cover for being Power Rangers.”
“And nobody figured it out?”
“Come On guys!” Emma said. “Superman's spectacles and all that. Now move! The city needs us!” She ran for the yellow door, singing, “I can see clearly now, that I've got my glasses on,” to herself.
A few minutes later five morphed Power Rangers emerged from one of the secret entrances to their lair. They charged into the street and saw the KangaSharks chasing civilians, cackling with a weird, chirping glee.
“What do we do now?” Simon said.
The answer to Simon’s question came from a bizarre creature who was surrounded by KangaSharks. It had a head like an octopus. “Now!” It bellowed, in a surprisingly high pitched voice, “You will be defeated by Megla Ego, the mightiest warrior in the service of Queen Belladon the Cruel!”
Simon yelled in surprise as KangaSharks swarmed towards them.
Megla Ego yelled, “Take out the red one first! The red ones are always the leaders!”
Simon stumbled to the ground as he tried to back away from the attacking KangaSharks. As they swarmed towards him Anthony called out, “Scream at them!”
Under the circumstances, Simon didn't need to be told twice to scream. When he did, a panel on his helmet slid back exposing his mouth, and along with his scream he emitted a powerful sonic blast that sent most the KangaSharks scattering like confetti.
“That was pretty cool,” Simon said. A moment later the other KangaSharks were swarming the Power Rangers and a heated battle ensued.
“Battle Bow!” Emma yelled as she flung out her hand. As she did so an energy weapon, shaped like a hair bow, flung out and stuck a nearby KangaShark. It ricocheted off him and struck five more before returning to Emma’s hand.
Lachy looked to Anthony and said, “What’s my power?”
Megla Ego lashed out with the tentacles on his right hand and knocked Lachy to the ground. “An amateure heh? I guess YOUR power is FALLING!” He raised his left arm, which ended with a giant, evil-looking mace. He swung down but Lachy rolled out of the way just in time to avoid being crushed.
“Fruit Salad!” Anthony bellowed, and a spray of explosive energy bananas, apple slices and grapes sprayed from his hands at Megla Ego, sending him sprawling backwards in a fruit scented series of explosions.
“That was NOT yummy!” Megla Ego said as three KangaSharks dragged him away from the field of battle.
“When did Paul get a sword?” Lachy asked.
Paul was wielding a sword of the same golden color as his Rangers uniform. He was dispatching one KangaShark after another with practiced, measured ease. Lachy’s words drew the attention of the other KangaSharks to this and half the remaining group charged Paul at once.
“Kata Broadside!” Paul yelled, and suddenly he was a blur of golden light and flashing metal. The overwhelming swarm of KangaSharks was beaten back faster than they could charge.
“Wow.” Lachy said, as he watched another group of KangaSharks flying through the air, having been blasted back by another Sonic blast from Simon. Multiple energy bows flew among them knocking out the few who hadn't been rendered unconscious by the sonic attack.
Lachy saw a swirl of tentacles out of the corner of his eye. Turning he saw Megla Ego charging towards him. The creature was flailing the tentacles of one hand and swinging the mace at the end of the other.
“What do I do!” Lachy yelled in panic.
“Search inside yourself!” Emma called back. “You’ll FEEL what your special attack is!”
“Right, right,” Lachy said, trying to focus despite the seven foot tall monster charging towards him. “This is a nightmare!” He said. “Like a horrible, horrible dream.” An image formed in his mind, words floating in space. “Like. A. Dream.”
Megla Ego raised his mace arm to strike, and as he brought it down Lachy called out, “Combat Nap!” Instantly a protective energy shield formed around Lachy, flowing ribbons of purple that matched his uniform. The mace bounced off, the energy of Megla Ego’s strike having been absorbed, reinforced and thrown back at him. Megla Ego flew through the air, soaring more than 50 meters higher than any of the KangaSharks had done. He landed with a heavy thud, exploding into a thousand shards.
“I knew you could do it!” Emma yelled, jumping up to wrap her arms around Lachy. The visor of her helmet slid back and she kissed his helmet about where his left cheek would be.
“I'm not done yet!” They heard a voice yell. Looking up they saw Megla Ego was reassembled, twice the size he'd been before and growing rapidly.
“Oh no!” Simon said.
“Oh what?” The others responded, none of them quite finishing as they remembered this was not a Wiggles concert.
“That won't get old,” Paul said sardonically.
“We need the giant robots!” Simon said.
“Zords,” Paul replied. “They're called Zords, and the first one’s already here.”
An oversized yellow car has sped up to them. It looked more like a race car than anything else, but it was bigger than most trucks and sported a tail reminiscent of Dorothy the Dinosaur.
An explosion struck the ground near them, sending the Ranger Wiggles flying through the air.
“Is everyone OK?” Anthony yelled.
“He has lasers!” Lachy said.
“We noticed,” Simon said.
“When did he get lasers?”
“Everyone in the car!” Emma yelled, sliding into the driver’s seat. The others followed suit, Paul nearly sitting on Lachy.
The doors closed just before a fresh laser blast rocked the ground next to them. Lachy noticed that the car’s controls, previously positioned a good distance away from Emma, were shifting toward her to put everything in reach. Seconds later they peeled out, the force of the sudden acceleration pushing the Wiggle Rangers deep into their seats.
Emma was circling the now ten story tall monster, dodging and weaving to avoid the blasts.
“Are you deliberately dodging to make the blasts play the percussion for ‘Another One Bites the Dust?’” Simon asked.
“Maaaaybe,” Emma said evasively.
“Where'd you learn to drive?” Simon said.
“She races stock cars with her Dad on the weekends,” Anthony replied. For the first time since the “Code Zed” had been called, he was smiling. “One more loop and the other Zords should be here.”
Moments later Emma drifted to a perfect stop in the middle of a circle made by the other Zords. Looking up through her Zord’s moonroof she could see the super sized Megla Ego was tottering and weaving, dizzy from trying to hit them as she drove.
“Move it Rangers!” Simon yelled. “Into the Zords! We need to finish this!”
Captain Feathersword’s Zord was the largest of the group, a pirate ship that was rearranging into a robot with arms and legs as he climbed aboard.
Lachy and Simon’s Zords had already transformed into robots. In moments the Power Wiggles had lept into their Zords, the superhuman strength granted by their morphed state allowing them to make the multi-story leaps with ease.
Simon spoke. “He's too big for us to take on like this. We may outnumber him, but at best we can hit him in the belt buckle, except for the Pirate Zord, that can probably reach his solar plexus. We need to form the MegaZord.”
“Now you're sounding more like a red ranger,” Anthony replied.
“How do we form a MegaZord?” Lachy asked.
“Well,” Emma said, “I could be wrong, but I suspect the big button with the outline of the MegaZord on it may be relevant.”
“Right,” Lachy said, flipping back the clear cover protecting the button in his Zord and smacking it with his hand.
The other Rangers followed suit in their Zords and soon the Pirate Zord levitated into the air. Simon and Anthony’s Zords did handstands underneath the Pirate Zord, folded their legs in and clamped their arms together to form legs. The Pirate Zord descended, latching into them. Emma and Lachy’s Zords leapt into the air and latched into the shoulders of the Pirate Zord. What had been the hood of Emma’s Zord in car form opened up into the toothy mouth of a lion, roaring in the process.
“Huh. The Yellow Zord never did THAT before,” Anthony said.
“Let's hope our opponent finds Emma just as surprising as we do,” Simon said.
The Pirate Zord’s head, now undersized for its body, flipped into its chest. As it did so a much larger head flipped up, locking into place.
Inside the head, all five Power Wiggles were at control consoles.
“I think I'm going to be sick,” Lachy said.
“You get used to it,” Anthony replied.
“Right!” Simon yelled. “Let's do this!” He looked at the controls in front of him. “How do we do this?”
“Controlling a MegaZord is a bit like singing backup to a lead singer,” Paul said.
“Riiiight,” Lachy said. “Simon’s the lead and we support him.”
“And the controls are laid out so we can swap off lead without changing consoles,” Anthony said. “So you only need to worry about the highlighted sec-”
There was a sudden impact and the Zord staggered. Megla Ego had hit them with his mace.
“Right,” Simon said, grabbing the controls. “Simon says, boot to the head!” The Zord’s red leg swung up and kicked Megla Ego in the side of the head.
“Owwwwww!” Megla Ego yelled. “Zords aren't that flexible!”
“They are when I'm at the controls.” Simon said.
“Try the calamari!” Megla Ego yelled, swinging his tentacle arm at the MegaZord’s purple arm. Too late to stop, Megla Ego noticed a large circular energy shield had formed on the arm, and when his tentacles stuck they rebounded back again. Megla Ego was thrown off balance and collapsed onto the beach, barely missing the wooden pier where a news crew was filming the battle.
On the ground, the news reporter motioned towards the beach. The news crew began running toward the shore. The cameraman took the lead, pointing his camera backwards so the reporter could continue his coverage.
“This is Dirk Headcheese reporting. As you can see the Power Rangers wasted no time in responding to the return of KangaSharks and a new monster. The KangaSharks have been largely dispersed or broken.” Dirk was startled by the sound of the pier being smashed behind him. Glancing back briefly he continued. “Just the monster standing up.” Puffing slightly he continued. “Our younger viewers may not know this, but KangaSharks aren't killed in battle, but shatter into the Kangaroo, Kiwi, and Shark that was used to make them. My cameraman Jeff Stonewratchet personally grabbed several of the sharks that landed on land during the recent fight and threw them into the sea. This isn't just a humanitarian gesture, as a previously fused kangaroo, kiwi, and shark can spontaneously reform a KangaShark if they get too close in each other. As a matter of fact, if we turn to the shore,” the camera panned to the shore. “We can see the police who aren't getting civilians out of the way are getting the small sharks back into the ocean while chasing the kangaroos inland.”
“Right. We've reached the beach. As you can see,” he stage whispered, “Great angle Jeff,” gave his cameraman a thumbs up, then continued, “The monster is drawing the MegaZord into the bay. My guess is it wants to avoid another one of those impressive kicks by keeping the Zord’s feet in muck and water. Ohh! The Zord’s yellow arm has a lion or a tiger or something on the end and it just BIT the monsters club off the end of its arm. Watch out Jeff, the wave that thing made when it hit the water is heading right at-”
Megla Ego’s severed mace had hit the water, sending a huge wave towards the shore. Most the news crew avoided it, but the reporter was nearly swept out to sea. When the wave retreated, Dirk Headcheese crawled out of the muck and water, supported more by the cable from his microphone than anything else.
“That's our technician Janet Cannon holding the other end of that line. Tough as a Power Ranger herself I’d say. My mic still working?”
Jeff gave a thumbs up and nodded.
“Good. Don't worry folks. I'm alright. You don't get this beat if you can't swim!”
Back on the bridge of the MegaZord, Lachy was saying, “I have an idea.”
Megla Ego tried to stab the MegaZord with the severed end of its mace, but the yellow arm casually swept the blow aside, redirecting it onto the Combat Nap shield on the purple arm. Megla Ego skidded back into deeper water but didn't fall.
“Remember all the crazy weapons the Zords pulled out the last time?”
“Which one did you have in mind?” Anthony asked.
“Well,” Anthony said, a mischievous gleam in his eye. “Emmy and I are both pretty good with a keyboard.”
Paul laughed. “Sounds like we're going to bring this monster a ‘New Wave’ of trouble!”
Back on shore Dirk Headcheese was still giving the audience at home a play-by-play of the battle. “The MegaZord’s chest is opening up and it’s pulling something out. There’s been years of speciation in how it keeps all those wonderful toys in that space, ranging from extra-dimensional pockets to- Ohh!”
Megla Ego had reached for the weapon, trying to snag it. He was blocked by the MegaZord dropping low on the Red leg and kicking up with the blue leg. A voice boomed out of the MegaZord and said, “Have a taste of my blue suede shoe!” As the foot of the blue leg kicked Megla Ego in the stomach.
Dirk Headcheese said, “Looks like whoever the Power Rangers are this time around, there's still an Elvis fan among them! I don't know if you can make this out at home, but the weapon the MegaZord just pulled out is a giant Keytar! The last time a MegaZord wielded this weapon ‘Karma Chameleon,’ was at the top of the pop charts.
The MegaZord swung the Keytar into position. Simon transferred the lead controls to Lachy. “Give him a solo he’ll never forget!” Simon said.
Emma controlled the energy flow to the weaponized Keytar while Lachy fingered the keys. The tune he played caused the false fret to glow with energy.
Megla Ego straightened and, seeing the charging weapon said casually, “As if. If you think THAT’S going to work you might as well-”
Lachy swung the now fully charged Keytar to the MegaZord’s hip, pointing the false frett at Megla Ego like the barrel of a gun. “I believe you said something about calamari earlier,” the MegaZord boomed, firing the Keytar blast at Megla Ego.
“Nooooooo!” Megla Ego screamed! “I cannot be defeated! I am invincible!” With those words Megla Ego exploded in a crazed shower of the assorted sea creatures that had been fused to make him. Landing in the water, they swam away, as if instinctively knowing their newfound freedom depended upon getting as far away as possible.
“There you have it folks,” ace reporter Dirk Headcheese said. “A new enemy is attacking Australia, but we aren't alone. Once again the Power Rang- RUN! A KANGASHARK!”
The camera panned just in time to show a KangaShark charging towards the reporters. There was a loud “crack” and a blast of energy came from inland, striking the KangaShark. It shattered, a half meter long Great White flying gracefully through the air into the surf while a confused kangaroo stopped, contemplated the reporter, and hopped away as fast as I could. The kiwi landed on Dirk’s shoulder. The camera swung around before settling on a smiling, bald fat man in a leather jacket. He was putting something away in a holster. He smiled and said, “Good Day,” before nodding and calmly walking off.
“Who was that fat man?” Jeff said, panning the camera back to Dirk.
“I don't know,” said Dirk, turning to face the camera. “But the way he said those two words revealed he is most certainly not Australian.” The Kiwi on his shoulder looked at him, then turned to face the camera, managing to look even more serious and severe than Dirk.
“Who is attacking us now?” Dirk said seriously. The kiwi seemed to shrug.
“Will the Power Rangers be able to defeat this new threat?” He paused for dramatic effect and said, “Will we see the return of the weaponized Sitar used so frequently by the Power Rangers team of 1965?” The kiwi lowered its head and shook it. Being a kiwi it was hard to tell if it was expressing an opinion or embarrassment. “Who will get that giant, metal, spiky thing out of the bay?”
“Mace,” Janet Cannon said, “It’s called a mace.”
“Thank you Janet.” Dirk finished, “Do you think this kiwi would enjoy being a studio mascot?”
Back at the Wiggles studio the team were celebrating with their crew.
“So EVERYONE knows?” Lachy said.
“Well, everyone but you,” Emma teased.
“No offense guys,” Simon said looking around, “But how can this many people keep a secret this big?”
“It's a matter of national pride,” Leah said.
“But you're an American!” Simon replied.
“So? I can have pride in the place I live, even if I wasn't born here.”
“The working conditions help,” said one of the key grips.
“We get overtime pay when you guys go into battle,” one of Emma’s back-up dancers said.
“The last guy who tried to spill the beans ended up being evaluated by psychiatrists because nobody believed him,” Leah said.
“Yeah,” Lachy said. “I Remember the tabloids wouldn't even report WHAT he claimed, just that he was making, ‘The most unhinged speculation imaginable about the Power Rangers.’”
“A lot of the folks in the media like to cover for us,” Anthony said. “That sort of thing tends to happen when you save a national media convention from being overrun by mind controlling wallabies.”
“I Remember hearing about that,” Lachy said, sitting back in his chair while peeling a banana.
“What do we do now?” Simon asked.
Leah spoke. “If I remember correctly, Emma wanted us to record the new ‘Do the Propeller,’ arrangement so you could go over the choreography.”
A hearty chuckle ran through the room as everyone got up to get ready for the session.
Well, almost everyone. Lachy finished his banana first, and Anthony only had a few bites left of his fruit salad.