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Max’s rune party had been exhausting to say the least, and the aftermath was almost equally as unpleasant. There was trash left on every surface of the loft, and furniture was still overturned from Magnus’ magical standoff with the warlock, Iris Rouse.
Alec had stayed afterwards to help Magnus clean up (although Magnus had told him repeatedly that he could have the place cleaned within seconds with his magic, Alec refused to let him use any more of his strength after everything that had happened) but was also secretly hoping that Magnus would ask him to stay the night; something that Alec loved to do. The loft felt much more like home than Alec would have liked to admit, and he always felt a sense of dread when he knew he had to return to his bedroom at the cold, lifeless Institute. Sleeping next to Magnus made Alec feel safe in ways that he could not translate into words, and waking up wrapped in Magnus’ arms was a feeling that he would never ever forget. Especially after the events of the night, including Alec almost jumping off of Magnus’ balcony in a fit of despair while under Iris’ spell, all he wanted to do was curl up in bed with Magnus and forget about all of his problems.
“Sweetheart, please just let me do that,” Magnus pleaded, wrapping his arms around Alec from behind and resting his head on Alec’s back. It made Alec’s skin tingle and his heart race, even after all this time. When Magnus touched him it was as if every one of his nerve endings had been set aflame and his whole body burnt with affection. He had never been in love with anyone before, but he knew he was falling for Magnus. The thought was terrifying, but so damn thrilling at the same time.
“For the last time, I can handle a little mess,” Alec said exasperatedly, but affectionately. “Now go sit down and rest. You used a lot of magic tonight and I don’t want you passing out on me.”
“I think I like it here,” Magnus mumbled into the back of his shirt, nuzzling into Alec and giving his midsection a loving squeeze. Alec thought it was adorable.
He set down the towel he was using to clean off the bar and wiped his hands on his dress pants (Magnus gasped audibly), turning around so he was facing his lovely boyfriend. Magnus had taken off his suit jacket and rolled his sleeves up to his elbows, which had Alec’s mouth watering the second he saw him. The last time he had seen Magnus in a suit, it was during Izzy’s trial against the Clave, and he had not been able to voice how much he loved seeing Magnus dressed up. Although now…
“You look absolutely stunning, Magnus Bane,” Alec rasped, pulling the warlock to him by his hips, so their bodies were pressed together deliciously. He played teasingly with the buttons on Magnus’ shirt and he felt Magnus shudder under his touch. He smirked, loving the effect he had never known he could have on another person. He brushed his lips against Magnus’, giving him a small taste, before pulling back slyly and returning to his cleaning.
“I can’t believe this, Alexander,” Magnus said dramatically, throwing his hands up and walking around to the other side of the bar so Alec had to look at him. “I would have never expected this kind of treachery from you.”
Alec laughed as Magnus rested his elbows against the bar and plopped his head in his hands, pouting. Moments like these, that were so domestic and intimate, so foreign and surreal, warmed Alec from his head to his toes. Being with Magnus, here in his loft, just being themselves, was a thing of dreams.
Alec rolled his eyes at Magnus, pretending not to be endeared by his antics, and continued to clean off the countertop and the dishes on it.
Magnus laid his head down on the bar, purposely in Alec’s way, and looked up at him with his warm, brown eyes. They were lined with a glittery black liner as usual, but somehow they always seemed more breathtaking than the last time Alec saw them.
Alec stopped his cleaning as he remembered something that had happened during the party. Max had been acting uncannily like their mother and had asked to see Magnus’ warlock mark. Alec had been nervous that Magnus would find it disrespectful after everything that he had done for the family, and was afraid of how Magnus was going to react. But to Alec’s surprise Magnus had agreed happily. Alec had known that Magnus’ cat eyes were his warlock mark, thanks to his extensive research on the warlock when they returned to the Institute after losing Clary’s memories, but he had never asked to see them. Of course he had wondered what they were like, and why Magnus never took down his glamour, even when it was just the two of them. Sometimes Alec felt that Magnus didn’t trust him, which stung, because Alec would trust Magnus with his life if he had to.
Alec had fantasized about what Magnus’ eyes were like, if they were yellow or green or blue, if his pupils widened and thinned with his mood, or even what they would look like against Magnus’ makeup. Though whatever Alec had dreamed, it did not come anywhere close to the real thing.
When Magnus had shown Max his eyes, it was like Alec had never even seen him before. His eyes were…ethereal. They captured a beauty that Alec had never had the pleasure of witnessing even once in his life. They held centuries of stories of magic and laughter and love and loss, and they glittered wonderfully against the night sky. Alec had had to compose himself quickly after this since his mother was standing right next to him, but he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it all night.
Alec leaned down slowly and rested his head on his hands, now face to face with Magnus. His heart thundered in his chest at what he was about to ask and he braced himself for rejection.
“Can I, um, ask you something?” Alec asked quietly, cringing internally at how incredibly awkward he sounded.
“You know you can ask me anything, dear,” Magnus said, the words slipping gracefully off his tongue. Alec hated it (no he didn’t).
“Why have you never- why don’t you-” Alec groaned, frustrated with his inability to just say what he was thinking without fucking it up. He buried his head in his arms as if it would make him invisible to Magnus, hoping that he could just disappear already.
“Alexander,” Magnus said softly, running his hands through Alec’s hair soothingly. “What’s wrong?”
Alec pulled his head up and refused to meet Magnus’ eyes. He played with the cuffs of his shirt, buttoning and unbuttoning them anxiously.
“Why don’t you ever take down your glamour around me?” Alec blurted, and he saw Magnus tense visibly out of the corner of his eye, but he kept going. “Is it because you don’t trust me?” His voice cracked on the last word and he pushed himself away from the bar harshly, as if his own vulnerability had burned him. Many moments passed and Magnus said nothing. Somehow it was the worst thing he could’ve done. Alec’s chest physically hurt, as if his heart was literally being crushed inside him. There was a lump forming in his throat now as he began to truly question Magnus’ motives, and he grabbed his jacket off the stool, still avoiding Magnus’ eyes.
“I should-I should go,” Alec whispered, making to move for the door, when he felt Magnus’ hand grip his arm.
“Alec,” Magnus said softly, and Alec hated how much it hurt when Magnus didn’t call him Alexander. He had loathed that damn name his entire life, associating it with his parents, their unrealistic expectations, and how he knew they had never truly loved him, only caring that he honored the Lightwood name. Magnus had taken his name and changed it into something he loved. Something comfortable and familiar; concepts that were almost foreign to him. Magnus waltzed into his life and changed it so quickly that it made Alec dizzy, and he wasn’t even sure that Magnus knew what he had done.
When Alec turned to face Magnus, he saw that Magnus’ lips were turned down, and all he wanted to do was kiss his sadness away, especially when he knew that he was the cause.
“I’m sorry,” Alec said regretfully. “I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry.”
Magnus cleared his throat and looked down at the floor. “I trust you, Alexander,” he said gently. “So much.”
Alec marveled at the comfort the words brought him, relaxing slightly as some of the nervous weight was lifted off of his chest. He stepped forward and grabbed Magnus’ hand, the one that wasn’t still clutching desperately at his shirtsleeve, and brought it to his mouth, brushing his lips just barely over Magnus’ soft, silky skin.
“You don’t have to talk about it, Magnus,” Alec assured, running his thumb over Magnus’ bejeweled fingers.
“No,” Magnus said firmly, looking back up from the ground and into Alec’s eyes. Alec could see the doubt and insecurities flickering in Magnus’ features and it made his heart tighten. “No,” he repeated seriously, “You deserve to know.”
Magnus laced his fingers through Alec’s and guided him through the loft and into the bedroom, shutting the door behind them quietly as if to hide themselves from the rest of the world. As if the two of them, together in Magnus’ bedroom, were untouchable.
Magnus began to unbutton his shirt but Alec pulled Magnus towards him and nudged his hand aside, unbuttoning it for him. He thought he could feel Magnus’ heart racing through his chest, and pretended not to notice, if not for Magnus’ sake, then for his own. He slid the shirt off of Magnus’ shoulders and down his arms, until it fell to the floor, and then pressed a gentle kiss to each of his collarbones. Alec could not bring himself to tell Magnus what he felt for him, so he opted for showing him instead.
“You are too good to me, Alexander,” Magnus mumbled, reaching up and caressing Alec’s cheek with his hand. Alec closed his eyes and hummed in satisfaction. Moments like these Alec wouldn’t trade for all the money in the world.
“You deserve all things good,” Alec said honestly, placing his hand over Magnus’ and nuzzling into his touch. A blush rose on Magnus’ face and Alec suddenly wanted to paint it so he could save the image forever; the hues of pink against Magnus’ bronze skin, clashing beautifully with his dark hair. Alec didn’t even know how to paint, but Magnus made him want to learn.
Alec gave Magnus a smile and turned to dig in the dresser for Magnus’ pajama pants when he heard Magnus snap and looked down to realize his shirt was gone. When he turned back around Magnus was already dressed for bed and Alec saw that was wearing his own pajama pants as well. He glared at Magnus. Magnus ignored it and climbed into bed, already bundling up under the blankets.
“I can undress myself, thank you very much,” Alec said, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Of course you can, darling, but my way is much quicker,” Magnus reasoned, his head poking out from underneath the covers. Alec’s heart felt like it would burst out of his chest at any moment as it filled with affection, and he really wished Magnus would cut it out.
“Now join me and let’s get all the emotional stuff over with,” Magnus said, as if it was the simplest thing in the world. Alec could tell that Magnus was shielding himself from whatever pain this story brought and he swallowed thickly, because thinking of Magnus having to endure any type of pain was not something he enjoyed doing.
Alec crawled into the bed next to Magnus, who immediately curled against him, laying his head on his chest and wrapping his arms around him tightly. Magnus hummed and ran a lazy hand over Alec’s stomach, scratching the skin lightly. Goosebumps rose on his arms and he shivered involuntarily. My God, Alec thought, what is he doing to me?
Alec began to run a hand through Magnus’ hair, trying to comfort him in any way that he could. It was a while before Magnus first spoke, and Alec braced himself for what he was about to hear.
“A long time ago, back when I was still an infant, my parents loved me dearly. They were so proud to have a son, as it was very honorable in old Asian culture, and they couldn’t have asked for anything more. This did not last for very long. One day I had opened my eyes and my warlock’s mark had appeared. My parents each handled it differently, though their coping mechanisms were less than desirable. My mother could not live with the fact that her son was a demon, and she slit her wrists with a keris, the antique Indonesian dagger that currently resides in our living room." Alec's heart jumped. Our living room.
"I don’t really remember her very much, but I think that’s for the better. My father, on the other hand, fell into a deep despair at the loss of my mother and at the burden of having to raise me, and took to beating me, starving me, and even once attempting to drown me. That was the first time I lost control of my magic, and before I had realized what had happened, my father was dead.” Magnus said this all very slowly and detachedly, as if none it even mattered.
Alec, on the other hand, had grabbed Magnus’ hand in his own and squeezed it harder with each word that Magnus spoke. His vision had blurred and he was looking up at the ceiling in an attempt to keep himself from crying for Magnus.
“Magnus,” Alec croaked, wishing he had never even brought this up in the first place. Imagining all of the anguish Magnus had been through was tearing him up inside. He knew there was no way he could have helped, having not even been close to being born, but he still felt like he should have been there to save him. Anything to keep Magnus from experiencing these things that no one should ever have to go through. Alec wished that there was some way to fix this, to take away every bad memory, every scar, every bit of sadness; but he had no idea how.
“Alec, please, don’t,” Magnus choked, finally letting his true emotions show. “It’s okay, I’m fine.”
Alec pressed a kiss to the side of Magnus’ head and rested his cheek on his hair. He took a shaky breath. “Keep talking,” Alec whispered, closing his eyes.
Magnus tightened his hand in Alec’s and nodded slightly. “Ever since then, I learned how to glamour my mark from everyone, even my closest friends.”
Alec tensed and he knew Magnus felt it, but he kept speaking anyway.
“Those that have seen my eyes, mundanes and Shadowhunters especially, love to believe that they are somehow superior to myself. Probably something to do with it reminding them that I am tainted by the blood of demons. That’s mainly why I always keep them glamoured, I think. It’s easier to let them believe that in most ways, we are equals. By Lilith, it’s so fucked up. I have learned to be as revolted by my mark as they are, making me no worse than them.”
Alec was openly crying now, his body shaking against Magnus’. He had never expected it to be this terrible; he had never known the extent of how appallingly Magnus had been treated all of his life. A wretched feeling of guilt tore into him mercilessly. These were his people that did this to Magnus; made him feel as if he were worthless. He was absolutely disgusted.
Before Magnus could say anything else, Alec sat up quickly and pulled Magnus into his chest, burying his face in Magnus’ neck. “I’m so sorry, Magnus,” Alec sobbed, knowing that he was probably crushing the air out of Magnus’ lungs, but still needing to be as close to him as possible. “Gods, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for, Angel?” Magnus asked him softly. “You’ve done nothing wrong.” He hugged back just as hard, laying his head on Alec’s shoulder. It was then Alec felt Magnus’ tears on his skin, making his breath hitch.
Alec pulled back from Magnus and held him at arm’s length, finally looking at him. Magnus’ eyes were puffy, and it looked like he had cut open his lip from biting it. He gave Alec a small smile, as if to say he was fine, but Alec was unconvinced. If heartbreak was a person, his name was Magnus Bane.
“I’m sorry for bringing it up,” Alec said, looking down and playing with Magnus’ fingers. He wished he could get rid of the ache inside him. “I didn’t know.”
“That’s quite alright, darling, I knew you were bound to ask one of these days,” Magnus assured, his voice becoming quiet. “Do you-do you want to see them?”
Alec’s head snapped up and his mouth hung open in surprise. He was a Shadowhunter after all; the same group of people who had tormented Magnus for centuries for who he was.
“Are you sure?” Alec whispered incredulously. His heart hammered against his rib cage at the prospect of seeing Magnus’ eyes so close, so personally, so…intimately.
“Implicitly,” Magnus said immediately, but Alec could sense his nervousness. He thought that he could see a tremor in Magnus’ hands, so he grabbed them and held them between his own. He began to think of himself as a tether, tying Magnus to the earth, steadying him, even, but he instantly dismissed the thought. It made him feel ridiculous, and impossibly naive.
“Okay,” Alec whispered, and he was afraid that he was wearing his heart on his sleeve, every single one of his emotions out in the open for Magnus to see. “I’m ready.”
Magnus nodded and closed his eyes, and a pained look came over his face before he said, “Please don’t think of me differently.”
“I won’t, I promise,” Alec said assuredly, in a firmer voice than before. I love you for you, Magnus he wanted to say, but he could not force the words from his mouth. Rejection was too terrifying a thought.
Magnus took a shaky breath and opened his eyes.
Gold.
Alec senses seemed to become overwhelmed with gold. He saw it, he tasted it, he felt it. It was as if he was drowning in it. Magnus’ eyes were like all of the riches in the world, with thin, black pupils in the center that looked like they held all of the secrets of the universe. His face seemed darker now, enchanting and powerful in a way that it hadn’t before. His eyes were so unlike anything Alec had ever had the pleasure of witnessing, so brilliantly extraordinary. He could not believe that Magnus was granting him the privilege of seeing such raw beauty.
“By the Angel,” Alec said, his voice barely audible. The only reason Magnus was able to hear him was because Alec had moved so close that they were only a few inches apart. Alec untangled his fingers from Magnus’ and brought both hands to Magnus’ face, tracing his thumbs lightly around his eyes and up to his eyebrows. He didn’t even blink, for fear of this being too good to be true. That once he opened his eyes again, Magnus’ mark would be gone.
“I didn’t know that anything could be this-this lovely,” Alec said, his voice rough and unbelieving. His mouth was agape and he kept turning his head so that Magnus’ eyes would catch the light and sparkle. Alec thought it was ironic - that Magnus’ warlock mark, proof that he was a child of Lilith, the very first demon, seemed almost angelic.
Magnus’ breath hitched in his throat and it sounded like a gasp. “You like them?” His voice was hopeful, and his expression seemed surprised.
“Magnus, I love them. Dear god, I love them,” Alec choked out quite loudly, before he could stop himself. It was very close to the three words he was so desperate to say, but too afraid to disclose. This would have to do for now.
Magnus’ eyes began to water, making them even more iridescent than before. “Alexander, I- thank you,” Magnus said, before a sob escaped his throat. He climbed hastily into Alec’s lap and threw his arms around him, burying himself into his boyfriend.
Alec’s heart ached for the man who had never felt that he was good enough, always hiding parts of himself away. He wrapped his arms around Magnus as he cried quietly into his neck, wanting to shield him from all the dangers of the world. Alec realized then that he was so far gone for Magnus that there was no coming back from it. This was it. Magnus was the only one. Shockingly, it didn’t scare Alec at all; it only made his desire to protect and love Magnus with all of his being that much fiercer.
Alec ran a soothing hand up and down Magnus’ back, pressing kisses to his hair, his shoulders, his temples. After a while, Magnus became quiet in his arms, the tension leaving his body.
“You’ll stay, right?” Magnus asked, his voice wavering. He sat up and looked at Alec, his eyes still on display, lighting up Alec’s entire world.
“Always,” he responded, before leaning forward to press a gentle kiss to Magnus’ lips. The kiss was so soft that Alec barely felt it, but at the same time he was engulfed in a sensation that was so completely Magnus that he could not possibly focus on anything else.
When they parted, Alec reached up to push back a strand of Magnus’ hair, and kissed his forehead gently. Magnus hummed at the touch, leaning in further so that it looked almost cat-like. Alec smiled a hazy, dopey smile; the smile of the happiest man in the world.
They climbed under the blankets and found each other immediately, entangling their limbs so it was impossible to tell where Alec ended and Magnus began. That’s how it was supposed to be. Magnus and Alec. Alec and Magnus. Together.
“Thank you, Alexander, for not running away,” Magnus said gratefully, nuzzling his face into Alec’s shoulder, beginning to succumb to sleep.
“I would never even dream of it,” Alec responded, wrapping his arm tightly around Magnus’ waist, assuring him that he was not going anywhere anytime soon.
Alec fell asleep almost instantly and dreamed only of a whirlwind of a man, with strikingly bold eyes of gold, who came with a heart to match.