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When Gai finds Neji he's in the forest watching the birds fly overhead.
He had been training. All morning he'd training pushing himself to his limit, trying to perfect his Rotation technique and his use of the Byakugan.
When Gai stops beside him though Neji is sitting under a tree staring up at the sky.
Gai sits on the ground too and follows Neji's gaze up.
Neji wonders if Gai will apologize again for missing his fight with Naruto. Gai has already apologized at least once for that, after the battle, while Neji was being checked over at the hospital.
"Sensei." He says before Gai can open his mouth. "Do you think ... " He stops.
Do you think there is something wrong with me? That I'm broken inside? Because that's what it feels like sometimes.
The words stick in his throat.
He looks back up at the sky again. At that wide expanse of light and wind.
"I need to apologize." He says. "During my fight with Hinata I lost control. And I almost lost control again when I fought Naruto. It makes me weak I know."
"Anger isn't weakness Neji." Gai says gently. "Righteous anger. Anger that is directed at wrongdoing and evil in this world can make us strong even. And you have many good reasons to be angry with your clan. No one should fault you for that anger. The way they have treated you in the past --" Gai's jaw tightens until a muscle jumps.
Neji looks way, frowns down at the grass underneath his hand. Gai might be right but they both know his anger was not righteous. As Naruto had correctly pointed out Hinata had done nothing to deserve Neji's treatment of her.
"I would have killed Lady Hinata if you had not intervened."
"No." Gai looks at him sharply and Neji blinks.
"What do you mean no? You were there. You stopped me."
"No I do not believe you would have killed her." Gai says. "And that was not the reason I intervened. Yes I think you would have struck her in anger, even though the match had been officially called and she was injured. And yes Neji we both know in that moment you acted badly. But I didn't think than and I don't think now that you would have killed her." Gai looks down at him expression more grave than Neji has ever seen on him before. "I have known people who have killed for many reasons, including those who were already beaten and unarmed, and those who were members of their own clan. But I don't believe that is the sort of man you are Neji. You don't have that in you."
Neji stares at him and Gai reaches out and pulls him into a hug.
Over the years that Neji has trained under Gai he's seen Gai and Lee embrace dozens if not hundreds of times. But Gai very rarely offers that sort of affection to Neji and for the most part Neji doesn't want it.
Now though Neji hugs Gai back, a little stiff and a little awkward.
"You are my beloved student too you know." Gai says.
Neji closes his eyes tight so Gai won't see the tears there.
If Gai sees them any way he doesn't comment.
***
Naruto and Sasuke come over to Gai's apartment for dinner that evening under duress.
Neji knows this because Kakashi physically blocks the only easy line of retreat with his body as soon as he ushers both of them through the door.
Not that Gai acts like there's anything out of the ordinary, grinning broadly and welcoming both of his guests into his home as Naruto and Neji eye each other warily and Sasuke glares at everyone.
Lee's already seated at the kitchen table, crutches tucked out of the way.
At least Naruto's face lights up when he sees Lee.
"Bushy Brows how are you?" he comes right over to settle in the chair next to Lee as Gai bustles around the kitchen getting the food ready.
Neji slides into his own seat at the table.
Sasuke, obviously realizing he can't retreat back through the door Kakashi is currently blocking sits at the table as well.
Asides from the doorway that divides the living room from the kitchen, the only other route of exit is a very small window over the sink.
Neji watches out of the corner of his eye as Sasuke considers it.
It would be possible for a ninja, particularly a small one, to get through the window and onto the roof of Gai's apartment building, but it would involve leaping onto the counter which is at the moment covered in most of the dishes and cookware Gai owns.
Neji can imagine it, Sasuke going for the window sending dishes and pottery flying as he does. Then Neji would have to help clean up the kitchen and probably spend tomorrow going shopping for replacement dishes with Gai and Lee.
He tenses very slightly, readying himself to tackle Sasuke to the ground if he tries it.
Not that he thinks he's going to have to. Kakashi is leaning in the doorway, arms folded, seemingly completely at ease, but Neji suspects he's having visions of dish shopping with Gai too.
Sasuke seems to realize there will be no escaping tonight and slumps a little in his seat as Gai brings the food to the table.
Kakashi detaches himself from the doorway and saunters over to take his usual seat.
When Gai's done getting the rest of the food onto the table, so they can eat family style, he sits as well.
Naruto starts to shovel food down the second everyone has been served. "Hey!" He says with his mouth full "Gai-sensei, this is really good! I don't usually like peas but when they're mixed in with the meat and sauce like this it's actually pretty great."
"Don't talk with your mouth full or you'll choke." Kakashi says while Gai beams at Naruto from across the table.
Neji eats his own bowl of beef stew over rice, watching Naruto and Sasuke without appearing to do so. Naruto always eats like he's half starved, but he notices Sasuke is also eating heartily if much more quietly and with less obvious enthusiasm.
For the first time Neji wonders were Sasuke lives if there is anyone who cooks for him regularly. If not does he know how to cook for himself or is he like Naruto, existing off of premade food?
"Eat up." Gai tells the table at large. "And if anyone wants seconds help yourself. I made plenty."
Naruto and Sasuke both ask for seconds before Neji's even done with his first bowl.
Gai just smiles and mounds their bowls high with rice and beef.
"That was good." Naruto says when he physically can't eat anymore. He leans back in his chair making a small wheezing noise as he does so.
"Yes, thank you Gai-sensei for the meal." Sasuke also looks slightly dazed staring down at the last little bit of rice in his bowl like he wants to try and eat it but doesn't have the strength.
"Just as long as you two don't throat it all back up this time." Kakashi helps Gai-clear the dirty dishes off the table and bring them over to the sink. "You both need to learn to take better care of yourselves. This is the second time I've seen you overcome by a homecooked meal."
Sasuke shifts uncomfortably in his chair.
"Well you are welcome to come here anytime." Gai tells them. "I will always be happy to cook any of you a hearty meal. Indeed it is my pleasure to feed shinobi with such strong and youthful apatites."
"Well if you're cooking is always this good I'll definitely stop by again." Naruto says cheerfully. "No wonder Kakashi-sensei spends some much time over here."
"It's true, I am a better cook than Kakashi." Gai says and Kakashi sighs, reaching for the dish soap and sponge.
"You are not a better cook than I am. You just enjoy feeding people more."
It's such a blatant opening.
"Kakashi." Gai whirls to face Kakashi in the tiny space, well face his profile since Kakashi is still bent over the sink. Gai neatly avoids tipping over the precarious stack of dirty dishes when he sticks out his finger. "I challenge you to see who can create the best home cooked meal for our beloved students. Not tonight obviously since we've just eaten, but tomorrow evening. It will be a challenge of both our culinary abilities and our natural nurturing instincts." Gai emphasizes the point by bringing his fist down hard into the palm of his other hand.
"Well now it just sounds like you have an unfair advantage on me." Kakashi puts two bowls on the dry wrack. "Can I have, I don't know, one of the kids be required to say they like mine better?"
"That would be cheating." Gai says tone deeply reproachful.
Kakashi turns to face Gai, back to the now empty sink and folds his arms over his chest. "How about you do the cooking and I'll buy the food, wash the dishes and spar with you for a week."
Gai's eyebrows go up and he rubs his chin. "That would be an acceptable arrangement. But it will be your responsibility to come up with our next challenge."
"Great." Kakashi says, handing Gai a dishcloth. "I'll get right on that."
"I think I should be going." Sasuke finally manages to stand from the table.
"Yeah I should get home too." Naruto half rolls of his chair and onto his feet.
"I will see you both out." Lee reaches for his crutches and makes to stand his movement slowed by the obvious pain they cause him.
"No need Lee. I need to talk to these two anyway." Kakashi hands off the last dish to Gai and shepherds his teammates towards the door.
Neji waits until the front door closes and then stands coming over to the counter and helping Gai put away the dishes.
"Where does Sasuke live?"
Gai looks at him. "I think he has an apartment in the village like Naruto does."
"It's just that I don't think he's been eating well." Neji says carefully not looking at Gai as he stacks the bowls in the cupboard where they belong.
When he does look up Gai is frowning thoughtfully, leaning against the counter. "Well it can be hard for a young shinobi on their own."
"Yes." Lee says from where he's still sitting at the table. "And I know Naruto does not eat well either. Mostly he just eats instant ramen."
Gai sighs. "I would take both Naruto and Sasuke in myself, but there is no room here with the three of us and Kakashi only has that one bedroom apartment."
"I'm not saying you should take them in." Neji says, "But maybe ... we should invite them over for dinner again."
He braces himself, hands clenching at his sides, for either Lee or Gai to give him some speech about how good it is to see him care about the wellbeing of his fellow shinobi. Probably with stars or tears shining in their eyes the entire time.
Gai only nods thoughtfully. "Yes indeed. I think we should."
***
The nights are the worst.
Neji's not sure about the rest of them but he can hold on to normalcy during the day, but it becomes harder at night.
Lee retires earlier these days. The constant pain and stress from his injuries means he has less energy and needs more rest.
Neji watches Lee's grip on his crutch become increasingly tighter and more white knuckled as it becomes later, watches his shoulder slump, his movements become even slower and more difficult. Even his speech starts to slur with exhaustion.
He excuses himself soon after all the dishes are put away. Gai and Neji listen to him make his slow and painful way to his bedroom.
For the first time that evening Gai's smile falters.
"Has Lee decided about the operation?" Neji doesn't want to look at him as he asks.
"He's decided to go through with it."
Gai is the most open and expressive person Neji has ever met. Against the emotional reserve every member of the Hyuga clan has drilled into them since birth Gai's openness is almost unbearable sometimes.But Gai's tone is completely unemotional as he says it. His expression gives nothing away.
Neji feels anger surge up inside him, as always the bright edge of it cutting through the grief and the fear. Anger is seductive that way. "He could give up." He says before he can stop himself. "Stop. Stop being a shinobi, be something else instead."
Be alive.
He half expects Gai to get angry at him in return but instead Gai just looks at him, gaze solemn and more than a little sad.
They both know that despite everything Lee will never give up. It isn't in his nature to do so.
What will we do if Lee dies? Neji wants to ask but he can't. So he just stands and leaves the kitchen heading for his own room.
Not that he'll rest much tonight. Every time he lays down, he can hear Lee screaming as the Gaara's sand crushes and twists his limbs. He can still see Hinata cough blood onto the ground, and Tenten lying still and unmoving among her scattered weapons.
He hears Kakashi come back and the soft murmur of voices as he and Gai talk.
Later when he comes out of his room to on his way to the bathroom he catches sight of them standing together in the living room, holding each other close.
***
Neji is the only one at the apartment when Kakashi comes over.
He actually lets himself in through the door. Probably due to the fact that not even Kakashi could comfortably jump through the window of a top story apartment with both arms full of groceries.
Neji likes to rest during the hottest part of the day. Eat a light meal, drink plenty of water, do stretching and flexibility training or read up on military strategy.
He's camped out in Gai's living room sitting on a mat on the floor trying to loosen the muscles in his hips that is keeping him from kicking out as far as he knows he can. It's serious problem when one regularly trains with an opponent as fast as Gai.
He straightens up from one of Gai's military histories he's had open in front of him, reading as he stretches.
Kakashi holds the door open with his foot as he maneuvers the grocery bags inside. There are a lot of them.
"Do you need help?" Neji asks and Kakashi's gaze goes to him, his one uncovered eye widening fractionally.
Neji becomes very self-consciously aware he's wearing gray legging and a shirt with a cartoon panda bear on it. In his defense, Gai bought the shirt and Neji hadn't been planning on letting anyone see him wear it.
"No, I got it." Kakashi says and wrestles the bags into the kitchen without mentioning the panda bear, to Neji's great relief.
Neji finishes his stretching, and the chapter of his book while he listens to Kakashi move around the kitchen.
He finally stands and goes into the kitchen to refill his water bottle.
Kakashi is standing by the refrigerator staring at a plastic bag in his hand like he's not quite sure what to do with it or why he even has it.
He doesn't move or take his gaze off the bag until Neji clear his throat from the doorway.
"Gai said to buy mushrooms but I wasn't sure what kind of mushrooms." Kakashi says still without turning around. "So I got both kinds the lady was selling. But now I'm thinking that was too many mushrooms. We are never going to eat them all."
"I'm ... not sure I can help you with that." Neji says, stepping around Kakashi and refill his water bottle at the sink.
"Do you think I'm asking too much of Gai?" Kakashi says still gazing pensively at the bag of mushrooms. "It's not like he needs the extra worry right now. Not with Lee being as injured as he is."
Neji feels his stomach twist and he looks away, down at the tiled floor. "When you say asking too much of him do you mean by having him cook dinner?"
Kakashi sighs. "Maybe I should have taken him up on his challenge."
Kakashi finally puts the bag of mushrooms in the refrigerator.
Neji leans against the counter, sips his water "Can I ask you a question?"
"Well you can certainly ask." Kakashi says without turning around.
"I wonder," Neji says carefully, feeling out each word as he goes. "If Sasuke is doing all right, on his own."
Kakashi turns around and looks at him.
"I know that he doesn't have a clan." Neji says bluntly. "And I know what happened to them. People inside the Hyuga clan compound talk. And I ... I wonder ..." Neji trails off looking helplessly up at Kakashi then swallows. "Sasuke is not quite thirteen. If I had been left on my own at that age," He makes a sharp gesture in the air, mind going back to the exams, to his loss of control during his fight with Hinata.
"It's true." Kakashi says. "I don't quite know how to help Sasuke."
Neji rakes his fingers through his hair, pulling it forward to half obscure his face than then pushing it back over his shoulder in a nervous habit he'd thought he'd gotten rid of.
"He's not alright." He says and Kakashi sighs.
"No." Kakashi says. "he's not."
Neji looks down at the floor again and thinks maybe none of them are.
***
When Neji returns to Gai's apartment from his evening training Kakashi is gone, but Gai, Lee and Tenten are back, arranged around the kitchen.
"My Eternal Rival has outdone himself! With so many ingredients to choose from I have decided to make hot pot." Gai-sensei announces causing Tenten to punch the air in her hot pot excitement.
The front door opens just as Gai announces the meal is almost done. Kakashi comes into the kitchen ushering Sasuke in front of him, trailed by Naruto and Sakura.
"I figured since you'd be making extra anyway," Kakashi smiles at Gai In that way he does when he's trying to be charming despite the fact that Gai is already beaming beneficently at Kakashi's team.
"Of course, there is plenty of hot pot of everyone."
There is not, however, plenty of chairs.
A short scramble ensued ending with Kakashi perched on top of a stool, a little too tall for the kitchen table and put him at risk of pitching headfirst into the hot pot every time Gai gave him a friendly clap on the back.
They serve themselves from the pot in the center of the table, Gai kindly serving Kakashi as well as himself.
"Thank you so much for the hot pot Gai-sensei." Sakura smiles at him a little shyly.
"Yeah, thanks!" Naruto helps himself to extra meat.
"Eat some greens as well." Gai tells him and Naruto scrunched his face up.
"I don't like greens."
"That may be." Gai says in his best stern teacher voice. "But greens are excellent sources of iron and minerals without which you will not be able to put on muscle." He gives Naruto's skinny arms a meaningful look.
For a moment, Neji thinks Naruto is going to argue or take offense, but instead he just grins sheepishly at Gai and takes a very small helping of greens.
Sasuke takes some of everything and then also seconds although he seems to be pacing himself more this time.
Kakashi insists on cleaning up after they've eaten and Tenten, Sakura, Lee and Naruto troop into the living room where Tenten shows them her newest set of nunchaku. They're metal and make a sinister hissing noise as they slice through the air when Tenten spins them between her hands and around her body without hitting any of Gai-sensei's belongings even in so cramped a space with so many people.
Sakura looks impressed as does Naruto. Sasuke leans in the doorway looking uninterested although from where Neji is watching he can see that Sasuke is, in fact, paying close attention.
"Those are beautiful Tenten. May I try them?"
Tenten hands them over and Lee spins one experimentally with his good hand in a smooth practiced motion.
"I would love to spar with these sometime." Lee says and Tenten's expression goes fixed for a moment before she shrugs.
"Sure Lee. I'll lend them to you like one time, but you want to make it a habit you'll have to get your own pair."
"Of course." He grins at her, handing them back."Good teammates do not steal each other's weapons after all."
"I should be going." Sasuke pushes himself away from the doorway.
"Sasuke are you sure?" Sakura asks. "Shouldn't we wait for Kakashi-sensei?"
"If you want to wait for him go ahead, but I have things I need to do this evening." Sasuke is already heading for the door. "Alone."
Naruto and Sakura exchange looks. Sakura looks worried but Naruto shrugs.
"Who knows." He says as the door shuts behind Sasuke.
"Well maybe we should still go after him."
"Isn't that just going irritate him though?" Tenten says. "He did say he wanted to be alone."
"I suppose you're right." Sakura seems to deflate.
"He's been spending a lot of time alone." Naruto looks at the door forehead creased into a frown.
"Maybe it would be a good idea to go after him." Lee says. "Sometimes even if someone says they want to be alone it is not necessarily the truth."
Sakura and Naruto both look at each other and then head for the door.
"Hey." Kakashi comes out of the kitchen drying his hands on a dish towel. "Where did my three go?"
"They left." Neji pushes himself away from the hall and goes to sit on the couch next to Tenten.
Kakashi pinches the bridge of his knows.
"Gai." He calls back into the kitchen. "I have to take off for a little while, but I'll be back later okay?"
"Alright, Kakashi." Gai sounds a little bit confused.
Kakashi pulls open the front door and he's gone down the steps in search of his team.
Gai comes out of the kitchen and looks quizzically at his own students still sitting around the living room. "Where did the other goes?"
"I am not sure." Lee says and Tenten shrugs.
"Sasuke said he needed to leave and the rest took off after him."
"Huh." Gai says and goes back into the kitchen.
***
They train in the coolness of the evening.
Tenten fights Neji with her new nunchaku and Neji tries to incorporate some of his new techniques for predicting an opponent's attacks before they launch them.
The technique still needs work. Tenten manages to clip him on the shoulder blade as he brushes by her hard enough that he'd have a pretty impressive bruise there for the next few days.
Gai works with Lee on simple striking, handwork and footwork drills. The sort of thing they teach in taijutsu class at the Academy.
Even so, Lee is gray with pain and fatigue by the end of it.
He sits in the grass and watches Neji and Tenten fight after Gai makes him stop for the night.
Tenten comes in with a nice clean attack to his head and Neji puts up his arms on instinct and feels the nunchaku graze his wrist.
"Sloppy Neji." Gai says with a tone of warning. "What would happen to you if an opponent managed to successfully break your arm?"
Neji grimaces and clenches his jaw the reprimand hurting more than the blow had.
Tenten backs off and then stands to rest at Gai's signal.
One of these days Neji thinks she's going to learn Gai's technique for punching through stone with nunchaku and then she's going to be unstoppable.
"You both did an excellent job." Lee says from where he's sitting in the grass. He gives both Neji and Tenten a smile when they walk over to him, even though he looks sick and his eyes are starting to droop with exhaustion.
He pulls himself up on his crutch, slowly and with great difficulty, Gai hovering beside him to lend assistance if needed.
The four of them start back to Gai's apartment.
Gai has a very old television, that can be coaxed into working on good days when the wind is blowing right and all the stars have aligned.
Tonight seems to be one of those nights.
Lee settles on the couch and when he's comfortable there's such enough room for Neji and Tenten to squeeze on there as well. Gai brings out a bowl of wasabi peas to pass around and sits cross-legged on the floor.
They've watched maybe ten minutes when Kakashi comes in through the window.
"Did you find your team?" Gai asks.
"Sorts of, they're all home now at least." Kakashi sits next to Gai and takes a handful of wasabi peas."What are we watching?"
"We are not quite sure but the princess has just confessed her eternal love for her bodyguard," Lee says.
Kakashi squints as the grainy image on the screen. "Which ones' the princess."
"She's disguised as a man at the moment," Neji says. "She's the one with the mustache."
"It's not a very good disguise," Tenten says. "If I had a face like hers I'd have gone with a full beard for sure. Hides more of your bone structure that way."
***
Neji is on his way to the northernmost practice field when he sees Sasuke, head down, hands in his pockets.
It would be easy to walk by but Neji changes course to intercept him.
"Uchiha." He says, which predictably makes Sasuke's head snaps up.
"Hyuga."
Neji supposes that's fair.
"I am going to the north practice field to train with Lee. If you want to join us."
Sasuke looks at him. "Isn't Lee still not recovered from his injuries? What good would practicing with him do if he's not at his full strength?"
Neji raises his eyebrows. "You really can't think of any benefits to learning techniques specifically for fighting through overwhelming pain and fatigue?" He asks. "Do you plan on winning all your battles so easily then?"
Something flickers across Sasuke's face, an expression Neji can't quite name. Or maybe he can, because he's far too familiar with anger that bleeds into hopelessness.
Then Sasuke snorts and turns away. "Like I said, pointless. You were defeated too easily by Naruto and Lee was defeated by Gaara. Neither one of you is strong enough for my purposes."
Neji watches him walk away, back down the street.
He considers, for a moment, chasing Sasuke down again, although weather to convince him to train with them or to punch him in the face he's not quite sure.
In the end though, he lets him go.
***
The day that Lee has his surgery they all to the hospital.
Kakashi had been sent out on a mission the day before but Gai, Neji and Tenten are there. Lee gives them a strained smile and a thumbs up as the nurses wheel him into the operating room.
Gai cries and tells Lee it will be all right, that he believes in Lee and that Lee is strong.
He cries silently after they take Lee away, sitting on a bench in the hall. Tenten sits beside him looking very young as she sips a cup of water. Gai puts his arm around her shoulders and she leans against his side.
Neji stands beside the bench, back to the wall, arms folded not looking at anything in particular.
For the first time he lets himself think about the possibility of Lee really dying here, in a hospital, not on the battlefield like he would have wanted, protecting his comrades from harm.
Lady Tsunade comes down the hall dressed for surgery.
Her eyes soften when she sees the three of them.
"Go home." She tells them her tone brisk as ever but her gaze is gentle. "This is going to take a while."
Of course, none of them move.
It is a long wait.
Neji slides down the wall to sit on the floor eventually, knees tucked up to his chest.
Losing comrades and teammates is a part of being a ninja. Neji knows it will happen that it's not a matter of if but when but he also can't imagine what he will do without Lee. Bright and exuberant and driven. Lee who looks at him and sees a brilliant rival, not a Hyuga, or thing, a tool for the main family to use or throw away. Lee had never believed Neji's anger and despair fueled talk of destiny, he'd seen how hard Neji worked, how hard he was willing to fight and decided that was more important.
He thinks about training with Lee, going on missions with Lee, living in Gai's apartment with him.
He can't imagine what it would be like if that was gone.
Lady Tsunade comes out to them finally, looking pale and completely wrung out. "He made it through." She says. "He'll be alright."
Neji doesn't see the look of relief on Gai or Tenten's faces although he knows it's there.
He bends forward, pressing his own face against his knees and just breathes.
"Gai." Lady Tsunade says. "I need to eat something and get a drink of water than I want you to meet me in my office. The work of the village doesn't just stop you know and I need every jounin we have out in the field."
For a moment Gai looks like he's going to protest but then he nods. "Of course Lady Hokage."
"Good." She nods back and continues on down the hall.
Gai stands, a little shakily. "If the Hokage needs me for a mission I have to go, but I want the two of you to look after Lee for me."
"Of course Sensei." Tenten says and Neji nods.
"You're the best students anyone could ever ask for." Gai looks like he's going to start crying again but instead, he nods and walks off in the direction Lady Tsunade had gone.
Tenten stands up too. "I'm going to go find a nurse and see what room Lee's in."
"I'll come with you." Neji stands too.
They find a nurse who shows them into the room where Lee is.
He's unconscious, looking pale against the bed's white sheets.
They take turns sitting by the bed while the other goes to find pieces of fruit for them to eat and cups of tea.
"Neji."
Neji looks up from where he's been contemplating his own fingers.
Lee blinks at him blurrily.
"Lee." He says because you're alive or you made it through feels redundant.
"I told you." Lee says, voice a little hoarse. "I told you I would be alright."
He's already drifting back off to sleep when Neji takes his hand.