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“Take all the time you need to mourn.” Erwin tells Levi after his first expedition. He does mourn.
“It’s okay to cry.” Erwin tells Levi after his squad is killed. He does mourn, but he does not cry.
“Take all the time you need,” Hanji tells Levi after they’ve sat together in complete silence for the longest five minutes in their lives, paying respects to the fallen commander on the bed in front of them. “There’s no rush.”
Levi doesn’t take his eyes away from Erwin to watch Hanji leave, but he does hear how softly they shut the door behind them. It was as if they did it to avoid disturbing Erwin, but it’s not like that mattered anyway.
He knows Erwin is dead. He knows Erwin’s eyes aren’t going to open. He knows Erwin’s chest isn’t going to rise. He knows Erwin will never move a single inch from his current spot.
Levi doesn’t know how much longer he sits there before standing up and reaching for Erwin’s cape at the foot of the bed. To pay his last respect, Levi guides the cloth up the entire length of Erwin’s body until he reaches the face he has come to memorize over the years. After a few seconds and a long sigh, Levi conceals Erwin with the wings of freedom.
Feet planted on the ground and shoulder width apart, back as straight as possible, Levi salutes, fist audibly colliding with his chest.
“It’s been an honor, Commander Erwin Smith,” Levi says, holding the pose until his already sore body can’t take it anymore. Within a few strides, he makes it to the door and looks over his shoulder one last time at Erwin. “I’ll see you in hell.”
~
“Take all the time you need,” Hanji reminds Levi once again at the Survey Corps headquarters. “There’s no rush.”
Hanji’s right. He doesn’t clean out any of Erwin’s possessions until two weeks after his passing. He almost doesn’t want to. Erwin may hold a place in his memories or heart or whatever everyone talks about when they lose someone special, but Levi still wants a part of him on the Earth.
Levi takes the job of cleaning out Erwin’s office alone, fully aware that it would take him the entire day to do so. Erwin has always been a bit of a hoarder, believing every small detail could lead to something.
Opening the window to let fresh air circulate throughout the room seemed like a good idea at first, but when the breeze started releasing papers into multiple directions and the final remnants of Erwin’s scent began to escape, Levi shuts it.
Hours later, Levi finishes packing all of Erwin’s belongings and allows Hanji in to gather any paperwork and maps that will continue to be put to use. Once everything is relocated and it’s time to close the door one final time, Levi hears Hanji sniffle and looks at them.
“Sorry,” they say, blinking their eye quickly, “It’s been a lot to take in lately, you know?”
Levi hums and glances around the room one more time. When his eyes land back on Hanji, a tear hangs off their chin and they quickly wipe it away.
“It’s okay to cry.” Levi tells them just like Erwin did to him. If anything, Hanji has spent their time grieving over their assistant than the commander, which is understandable.
Hanji snorts and wipes away another tear. “Yeah,” they make eye contact with Levi, “it’s okay to cry.”
~
At first, Levi doesn’t recall there being a chance of rain when he feels something wet hit his cheek.
Second, Levi realizes that he is, in fact, indoors.
Third, Levi stares up at the ceiling and tries to look for some sort of leak. It’s the only explanation.
Finally, Levi reaches up to his cheek when he feels another drop and freezes.
There is a leak, but not in the ceiling. It is his eyes.
Levi roughly wipes at his cheek when he feels the third, fourth, and fifth drop, but they keep coming.
He attempts to ignore it. It is spring and he has always been prone to allergies, but his eyes have never watered to this extent.
And just like that, the drops turn into streams that evolve into a flood. His vision becomes blurry and with every blink, the dam breaks more.
Levi stops fighting against it and finally accepts that he is crying and allows himself to.
He forgot how exhausting it is. There isn’t a single part of his body that isn’t shaking and his head is dizzy from not getting enough oxygen.
He remembers that the worst type of crying is when it’s completely silent while an arm or hand is covering either his eyes or mouth and that is the state he finds himself in now.
Even though his sobs are silent, his breath hitches every once in a while and he doesn’t care if anyone hears him. Not like there’s anyone around to be able to.
All of a sudden, his heart screams and it immediately rips itself out of his quivering lips and throughout the empty room. Someone had to at least hear that, but no one comes, which is fine by him. Sometimes it’s better to handle it alone.
When the storm seems to have passed, which took longer than he had hoped, Levi takes a few uneven breaths and closes his eyes.
“Take all the time you need to mourn.” Erwin told him after his first expedition. He mourned.
“It’s okay to cry.” Erwin told him after his squad was killed. He did mourn, but he did not cry.
“It’s okay to cry.” Levi hears Erwin’s voice say that line in his head, glad that he still remembers such a melody.
“Take all the time you need to mourn.” Erwin’s voice also repeats.
And with that, Levi starts crying once again and continues to mourn over the loss of his friends, his squad, and his commander.