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To: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command
From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis
Subject: Hazard Pay
Attachment: Security Footage from Lab 4-B
Dear General O’Neill,
Attached to this email is the security footage from the date in question. As stated in the previous incident report, Colonel Baran and Doctor McKay were involved in a minor physical altercation. My understanding of the situation is that one of Doctor McKay’s minions lab monkeys assistants accidently erased a large section of a whiteboard stored in the aforementioned lab by Colonel Baran. When Colonel Baran discovered the loss, she confronted Doctor McKay, who denied allegations that any of his team had done anything wrong.
What followed was described as ‘an extremely intense, incredibly loud’ verbal argument between the two of them. (Witness statements were included with the initial report.) The verbal disagreement escalated when, in response to being poked in the chest one too many times by Doctor McKay, Colonel Baran threw an eraser at his head, which he was able to avoid. (Doctor Kessler was not so lucky and required a short trip to the infirmary. His medical evaluation was also included with the initial report.) Doctor Zelenka notified me of the situation when Doctor McKay grabbed a dry-erase marker, uncapped it, and brandished it towards Colonel Baran. Colonel Baran responded by procuring her own marker, and the two of them ran around the room trying to color on each other.
When I arrived at the lab, Colonel Baran was sitting on top of Doctor McKay’s chest, holding him down as she drew what appeared to be an exceptionally accurate representation of an intimate part of the male anatomy on his forehead, saying that if he was going to ‘act like one’ he was going to ‘look like one’. The two were physically separated by Ronon Dex, who was also (wisely) summoned by Doctor Zelenka.
While the situation has since been resolved, Doctor Zelenka, as well as both Colonel Baran’s and Doctor McKay’s minions lab monkeys assistants are now requesting hazard pay in response to what they are calling a ‘dangerous combat zone’ as a workplace.
Please reply as soon as you are able with the IOA’s response.
Regards,
Gen. Carter
P.S. Any suggestions about how to keep the two of them under control in the future?
To: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis
From: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command
Subject: Re: Hazard Pay
Dear General Carter,
After viewing the previously attached security footage, the IOA sub-committee has agreed to provide a slight pay increase for anyone assigned in labs belonging to either Colonel Baran or Doctor McKay. The increase will be added into their checks at the beginning of next month.
Regards,
Gen. O’Neill
P.S. Have you tried asking Colonel Sheppard and Lt. Colonel Lorne to talk them into behaving like grown-ups? They can usually manage without having to resort to physical violence.
To: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command
From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis
Subject: Suggestions
Attachment: Audio file from Command Channel One, City of Atlantis
Dear Sir,
If you will listen to the attached audio file, you will hear that Doctor Zelenka tried to notify both Colonel Sheppard and Lt. Colonel Lorne before he contacted me. However, as you will hear, instead of responding in a matter befitting their ranks, Colonels Sheppard and Lorne placed bets with gate technician Sgt. Chuck Campbell over which of their respective team’s scientists would win. I confiscated Lt. Colonel Lorne’s winnings and the two of them received a verbal dressing down for participating in such actions over the main command channel.
I feel like a grade school teacher. I’m thinking of switching the entire City to decaf.
I found a gray hair this morning, Jack. A gray hair.
Do I get hazard pay too?
-Carter
To: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis
From: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command
Subject: Re: Suggestions
Dear Sam,
Whatever you do, don’t take away the coffee. That will only enrage the beasts. Have you tried sending them to bed without supper?
If that doesn’t work, inform the two of them that if they can’t restrain themselves, you will assign both Doctor Kavanaugh and Doctor Felger to work in their labs, permanently.
Stay strong,
Jack
P.S. You were already included in the group receiving hazard pay for working with the two nutjobs scientists.
To: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command
From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis
Subject: Update ‘Project Schoolteacher’
Dear Jack,
Thank you for your suggestions. All has been quiet for the past week: since I reminded Colonel Baran and Doctor McKay that I had final say over their staffing choices.
Ever grateful,
Sam
To: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis
From: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command
Subject: Re: Update ‘Project Schoolteacher’
Dear Sam,
You’re welcome.
Not quite omnipotent, but close,
Jack
To: Technical Sergeant Chuck Campbell, Atlantis
From: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command
Subject: Pool
Chuck,
Place my usual bet on EJ slipping ‘truth roofies’ into Rodney’s coffee and sending him to the main mess hall within the week.
Thanks,
O’Neill
P.S. I’ll collect my winnings from the previous pool next time I’m in the City.