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[transcript of “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon,” aired Thursday, February 14th, 2013]
Jimmy: My first guest is one of our favorite people but we haven’t been able to get him on the show for a few years, and uh...gee, I wonder why. He’s an Oscar winning actor and star of the upcoming film “An Ordinary Disappearance,” please welcome our friend, John Watson!
[John enters as The Roots play “Soul Man.” He is wearing jeans, a white button-down, and a cobalt blue jacket. He gets a huge round of applause. He waves to the crowd and sits down.]
Jimmy: Welcome back!
John: Thank you very much! I know, it’s been awhile.
Jimmy: I was starting to wonder if it was something I said.
John: [chuckles] No, no. It’s been a hectic...few years, actually.
Jimmy: Yeah, some stuff’s happened since you were here last.
[audience laughs]
John: Yeah, it has, a bit.
Jimmy: Happy Valentine’s Day!
John: And to you, as well.
Jimmy: And how’s married life treating you?
John: Good! Yeah, it’s been good. I’m...honestly, I’ve never been happier.
Jimmy: And now your first Valentine’s Day with the rings on. Big plans for the weekend, then?
John: Not unless a “Breaking Bad” marathon is considered a big plan. [someone lets out a loud whoop in the audience] And we have a “yea” vote for that plan!
[audience laughs]
Jimmy: What, that’s it? No romantic dinners with your valentine?
John: Sadly, my valentine is in Germany at the moment. He’ll not be back until the weekend.
[the audience gives a sympathetic ‘awww.’ John shrugs and puts on an exaggerated downcast face.]
Jimmy: Well, that was poor planning.
John: Couldn’t be helped. He had a thing, and another thing. This is the part of being an actor nobody talks about. There’s always a thing. I had things too, which is why I stayed here. This was one of the things, incidentally, so it’s partly your fault.
Jimmy: [putting on a shamefaced expression] I’m sorry.
John: Quite all right.
Jimmy: So you’ll be enjoying the bachelor lifestyle till then? Big parties, underwear models?
John: Oh yeah, all that. Absolutely all that. Or more likely, I’ll sit at home and sulk about and miss him. Perhaps cry a little. Am I damaging my reputation?
Jimmy: What reputation?
[audience goes ‘ooooooh’ and laughs. Jimmy holds up his hands like that wasn’t what he meant]
Jimmy: No wait, that wasn’t it! I just meant…
John: [laughing] I’m not exactly a macho poster boy, is what you’re saying.
Jimmy: That is not it at all! [everyone still laughing] Okaaaaaay and we’re changing the subject. I haven’t seen you since the Oscars, congratulations!
[audience applauds and cheers]
John: Thanks, thanks so much. It was so mind-blowing, I can’t even tell you.
Jimmy: You’re probably sick of people saying that.
John: Not even a little bit, no. I can’t...I still can’t quite believe it sometimes. It’s so surreal that I have this thing, and that I get introduced like that. That I’m a member of the Academy now. And even if the rest of my career is a total failure, which, I mean, I hope not, but if it is, I will always have that.
Jimmy: Where do you have the statue, then?
John: On the mantelpiece in the living room. Nice and symmetrical, matched set. His and his. You know we actually had a pretend-but-almost-real fight over which one should go on which side?
Jimmy: What’s the difference?
John: One side is sort of in a corner, it’s a bit shadowed. The other end is more visible. He tried to claim seniority and get the better side. I said that mine was better since I actually beat him when I won mine.
[the audience laughs and goes ‘oooooooh’]
Jimmy: Oh, snap! Shots fired!
John: Yeah, he wasn’t expecting that. He ceded to the superior argument. Of course I actually couldn’t care less which side mine is on. They can both be on the good side, as far as I’m concerned. And Sherlock doesn’t really care, either. Sometimes we just like to wind each other up.
Jimmy: I was so happy you won. That movie, it’s amazing. You are so amazing in it. [audience applauds and cheers] I’m just...I actually got a little emotional. I’ve been a fan of your comic acting for years, and I always thought you’d be great in some different kinds of films, like Tom Hanks was, and it was so satisfying to see that happen. I feel like this was your “Philadelphia.” [audience applauds again]
John: [looks a little choked up] Wow, what a compliment. Thanks. That’s really...that means a lot to me. That whole day was like a blur. It was honest to God one of the best days of my life, start to finish.
Jimmy: Because you didn’t just get an Oscar that day, right?
John: [grins] No, I also got engaged. We were getting ready and Sherlock gave me a pair of engraved cufflinks for my tux, then he...yeah, he asked me to marry him. [a woman in the audience gives a loud ‘whooo!’; everyone giggles] My sentiments exactly.
Jimmy: So I saw the new film last night and again, amazing. Amazing.
John: Thanks, it was really great fun to make.
Jimmy: Tell us a little bit about it, then.
John: Well, it’s a Coen Brothers film…[an audience member whoops]...yes, indeed, seconded. So you sort of know what tone you’re in for. It’s about this ordinary man who one day decides to just disappear. He literally gets up from his breakfast and tells his wife goodbye and vanishes. Part of it is what goes on back home once he’s gone, the other part follows him, and bit by bit you get the picture, and it’s not the picture you expect.
Jimmy: No, it really isn’t. You have a clip, then?
John: Indeed, I do. This is from when I’m just leaving, and you don’t quite know it yet but I’m off.
Jimmy: Okay, here’s a clip from “An Ordinary Disappearance.”
[the clip is played. after it’s over the audience applauds.]
Jimmy: We’ll be right back with more with John Watson!
---commercial---
Jimmy: All right, welcome back, we’re here with Big Shot John Watson. [John laughs] You were named to one of those Time Magazine lists last year, though, right? Most fascinatingly intriguing significant people, or something?
John: Something like that, yeah.
Jimmy: And how does it feel to be so intriguing? Show us your “intriguing” face.
[John laughs. He sits forward a bit, tilts his head, looks out at the audience, and attempts an exaggerated sort of “cool and mysterious” face. Everyone laughs.]
John: How’s that, will that do?
Jimmy: Acting, ladies and gentlemen! Acting.
John: Well, I’m a professional. Don’t try this at home.
Jimmy: So what’s up next for you, then? I heard we’re next getting John Watson, Action Hero. [a few cheers from the audience]
John: You might be, yeah. I start work soon on the first of what we hope will be a series of films based on John D. Waterson’s “Hollander” mystery novels.
Jimmy: How’d you come to that project? That’s something new again for you, isn’t it?
John: It is in the movies. I was in the British Army for six years when I was young, and I still do a lot of hand-to-hand for exercise. That’s actually how I came to their attention. I did an interview where there was a segment that showed me sparring at the gym, and I guess it piqued someone’s interest. And that character is interesting, he doesn’t look like...you know, like Schwarzenegger. He’s a calm academic man who has this other life as a sort of problem-fixer. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to shoot guns and do fight choreography and be coolly mysterious.
Jimmy: Well, we can’t wait, either!
John: Thank you.
Jimmy: Now, John. I have a bit of a surprise for you.
John: Oh God, what? Is it chocolate?
Jimmy: We all felt bad that you’re here alone on Valentine’s Day.
John: Aaaand now I’m scared.
Jimmy: So we decided we’d better get you a date.
[audience cheering. The stage curtains part to reveal three doors marked 1, 2 and 3. Each door has a stool in front of it. John is laughing, but he also looks a bit apprehensive. He lets Jimmy lead him to the stage with good humor.]
Jimmy: We had to pull a lot of strings to get these fabulous Dream Dates here on such short notice. Strictly a platonic date, you understand. Just for the company. No funny business! [he says this to the camera] I want to be clear on that because I’m terrified of your husband.
John: He’ll be glad to hear that, it’s his goal in life to be as terrifying as possible.
Jimmy: So let’s meet Dream Date #1 - he’s twice been People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, let’s welcome..George Clooney!
[The first door opens to reveal a man wearing a cartoonish George Clooney Halloween Mask. He shoots John the finger-guns and sits on his stool.]
John: Oh yeah, he’s dishy.
Jimmy: Dream Date #2 is one of the hottest stars around and is often seen in sexy superhero garb...yes, it’s Chris Evans! [cheering; a man in a Captain America mask emerges and sits on his stool]
John: Definitely one of my favorites.
Jimmy: And finally you may know Dream Date #3...he’s an Academy Award winning actor with a knack for violin, here’s Sherlock Holmes!
John: Oh, of course it is.
[More cheers. There’s a brief hesitation. John shifts a bit. The door opens, and everyone expects a man in a Sherlock mask - but instead, it is the real Sherlock. The audience goes absolutely wild. Mad cheers, catcalls, applause. John’s jaw drops and his face is the picture of shock and surprise. Sherlock looks a little unsure of himself, but he is smiling. He gives the audience a little wave, but is focused mainly on John.]
John: Oh my God! [He walks forward, a bit hesitant like he’s not quite sure he isn’t being played. Sherlock meets him halfway and they embrace, hard]
[The audience is still going apeshit. Wild cheering and applause. Jimmy claps and grins, looking pleased with himself.]
[John and Sherlock are still standing in a tight hug. John pulls back and they beam at each other. Sherlock kisses him, briefly but firmly, earning more catcalls from the audience. John hugs him again, clapping him on the back.]
John: [pulling back] What are you doing here?
Sherlock: Enough people were horrified that we were going to be apart for our first married Valentine’s Day that I started to think I ought to do something about it.
John: This was your idea?
Sherlock: Well, Jimmy concocted the little puppet show, here.
[they turn toward Jimmy]
John: Well played, sir!
Jimmy: I can’t resist a good surprise reunion. Come on, come sit down.
[the audience applauds anew as John and Sherlock move to the couches, holding hands. John takes the guest’s seat while Sherlock sits at his side.]
John: [gazing in disbelief at Sherlock] I can’t quite believe it. I can’t believe you did this. You hate Valentine’s Day.
Sherlock: I don’t hate it. What I think is that it is a manufactured holiday whose sole purpose is to sell chocolate and greeting cards and create strife between couples dissatisfied with each other’s observance of it, so that they can sell MORE chocolate and greeting cards for all the apologies. [laughter]
John: Well, I’m certainly not dissatisfied.
Sherlock: But I don’t hate it. Whatever else it is, it’s an excuse to shower one’s partner with love and affection without being suspected of having done something horrible. [more laughter]
John: Not that that’s ever happened to us.
Sherlock: No, of course not.
Jimmy: Sherlock, welcome to the show! And what an entrance to make on your first visit. [audience cheers]
Sherlock: Thank you. And thank you for indulging me.
Jimmy: Are you kidding? I live for this stuff. You know how many YouTube hits the show’s page is going to get when we post this clip? [laughter]
Sherlock: Well, anything we can do to help your click-through stats.
Jimmy: John tells us you were in Germany?
Sherlock: Yes, I was doing some press for a theatrical re-release of my film "Kanizsa." [cheers; Sherlock looks a little surprised at that reaction.] Thank you. I’d finished my press and I was able to reschedule my remaining events, so...here I am. [John takes his hand, still looking gobsmacked] My cynicism about Valentine’s Day aside, I admit that I did feel somewhat...lonely being away. [he and John smile at each other]
Jimmy: John, seems like your weekend plans are looking a little less gloomy.
John: I don’t know. I was really looking forward to that “Breaking Bad” marathon. [laughter]
Sherlock: If we do nothing but sit on the sofa and watch “Breaking Bad” together, I will consider it a successful weekend. [audience ‘awww’s. John blinks a few times.]
John: Well. You’re getting taken out to dinner tonight and I don’t want to hear another word about it.
Jimmy: Sherlock, you’ve got a project being released soon, haven’t you?
Sherlock: Yes. Last year I shot a miniseries for HBO about the life of Nikola Tesla. [wild audience cheering] It airs in April.
John: It’s brilliant, just brilliant. I can’t wait for everyone to see it.
Sherlock: But tonight is for John’s film, which is also brilliant.
Jimmy: You’ve seen it?
Sherlock: Yes, of course.
Jimmy: And I bet you’re excited about this new action series of his.
Sherlock: I’m...well. You might say excited. [he looks at John with a bit of a twinkle. a few scattered “whooo”s from the audience.] John hasn’t had the opportunity to play such a physical role and he’ll be fantastic at it.
John: You’re both going to make me blush right off this stage.
Jimmy: Will you be at the Oscars next week?
John: Yes, I’m presenting the Best Actress trophy.
Jimmy: And you, Sherlock? Are you presenting?
Sherlock: Oh, no. The Academy learned to keep me away from canned introductory speeches ages ago. [laughter] I’ll just be John’s date.
John: [grinning at him] And I’ll have the best-looking date on the red carpet. [Sherlock flushes and fidgets as the audience ‘awww’s]
Jimmy: You two are making the rest of us look bad. How are the rest of us going to live up to flying across the ocean to surprise our Valentines on a talk show?
Sherlock: Well, I understand that Hallmark makes some lovely cards. [laughter]
John: And now I’m starting to wonder if he has done something horrible.
Sherlock: About that…
John: Oh God, here we go. [laughter]
Jimmy: Well, it was amazing to have you both on the show tonight and I hope you have a fantastic Valentine’s Day. John, I don’t mean to intrude, but he maybe deserves a back rub or something for all this.
John: [grins] Or something.
[everyone laughs. Jimmy nearly goes sideways.]
Jimmy: And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, John Watson and Sherlock Holmes! [wild applause] We’ll be right back with The Decemberists, stay tuned.
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