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Lee liked watching Crystal. He always had, and so he'd force himself not to, pointedly looking anywhere but at her. He'd see pictures of them and was sure it was the most obvious thing, ever, sure that everyone knew, sure that she knew. He'd catch her watching him sometimes and was sure it meant she knew, that she'd caught him and knew exactly what he was thinking.
But then she kissed him and he kissed her back, and then it became okay to look at her all the time, to watch her always. He'd always loved watching her sing, and now he had permission to, so he'd watch as her face lit up when she sang something upbeat, the way she'd bite her lip in concentration when she'd play a complicated riff, the way her eyes would close with emotion when she'd sing one of her own songs. He'd watch from the wings, or from next to her, close enough that he could touch her. The next day, there'd inevitably be pictures of him watching her, and his private moment wouldn't be so private, but each night, he'd do it again, thrilled that he was allowed to watch her like that.
And then there were those truly private moments: watching her getting breakfast ready, talking to Tony, brushing her teeth, sleeping. When they first happened, he'd watch because he was finally allowed, watched like he thought one day she'd stop him, stop letting him, stop loving him. He watched because he was catching up on the days he thought he wasn't allowed to. But mostly, he watched because she was the best thing about his day, the loveliest thing he'd seen that day, or the day before, the next day, and after and after.
He'd thought, when they first happened, that maybe he'd get used to it, to them, that he'd get tired of watching. And yet, the years had passed and things had changed and nothing had changed. He woke up next to her most mornings, but this was their bed not his or hers, and this was their house, not mine-or-yours. They cooked together and ate together, learned how to move around each other, with each other. They both took care of Tony, getting him ready for baths and bed and school. They shifted and changed into a small family, and through it all, Lee never stopped being awed by the whole thing. He never stopped watching her.
The best part of watching her was getting to see the changes in her body. When she first told him, eyes wide and worried, "Lee, I'm pregnant," his brain stopped, his heart stopped, his breath stopped, and then he had this image of her full-belly and heavy breasts, then of her holding a baby, his baby, and then everything started again and he heard her worrying, "we were careful, so careful, do you think it was that antibiotic after we caught that bug, oh god what if this is a bad time, we both have to travel soon, I know we talked about it, but now?" And he interrupted her with a kiss, hands cradling her face. When they broke apart, she looked at him, smiled. "I see you're okay with this," she said.
"You have no idea," he replied, kissing her again before dragging her off to their bed, showing her how okay he was with it.
(Later, they talked about the worries, her diabetes and how to manage it, about Tony and how he'd take it. When they told him, he just stared at them. "Little Man, you okay?" Crystal had asked. Tony just stared at her, nodded. "Yeah. I want to name the baby, okay? Mommy, can I call Chris to come over and play? He got this cool rocket pack!" Crystal had nodded, then burst out laughing when Tony had run off. Lee shrugged. "He's always been better at this than either of us.")
He watched as her body shifted, subtly at first, small changes, but he noticed because he always watched her, had learned her. He saw as her skin's glow changed, as her face started to fill out, as her belly started to curve, just a little at first. And he saw as it all made her sick, hunched over the toilet every morning, unable to keep anything down most days. She'd crawl onto the couch, put on a movie, try and sleep. They were both working on new material, still at the writing stage, so they'd work from home, Crystal lying on the couch, head on Lee's lap, dicating lyrics to him, or bouncing ideas off him. Lee would rub her back with his free hand, pad of paper resting on the arm of the couch. When she'd leap off the couch, run to the bathroom, he'd close his eyes, sigh, then follow to check on her. At night, he'd curve his body around hers, rest a hand on her belly. She'd sleep, and he'd wake the next morning to her jumping out of bed, starting it all again.
He couldn't do anything to make it better, couldn't fix this, couldn't do anything except watch, always watch. But then, just as suddenly as it started, she stopped looking sick, stopped looking like everything smelled bad and wrong, started eating like she normally did, started wanting to eat, started being able to move off the couch.
A week after she started to feel better, she crawled into bed next to him, looked at the movie on the TV, at the sheets of paper next to him. "Still working?" she asked.
Lee hummed in assent, reached out and tugged her arm. She hesitated, then moved towards him, swinging a leg over his thighs. Lee looked at her in surprise. "Hi," she said.
He grinned. "Hi," he said, slipping off his glasses. "Feeling better?"
She grinned back, nodded. "Much," she said, leaning in for a kiss. "I feel like I should thank you for taking such good care of me." She worked a hand under his shirt. "I mean, you held my hair and rubbed my back. Such a good man."
He grinned again, slid a hand to the back of her neck, pulled her down again. "Mmm. I try," he said. She laughed, low and throaty, mouth warm against his.
After, they lay with the sheets tangles around them, her thigh between his. She draped over him, warm skin soft against him, her foot sliding along his ankle. He looked down at her, squinted. "You okay?" he asked.
She kissed his bare chest. "Mmmm, yeah," she answered, yawning. "Just a little tired." She laughed again. "At least I'll sleep well though," she said, nipping at the skin beneath her mouth.
He yelped at the teeth, huffed when she giggled again. He could hear her breathing slow, and he watched her eyelids flutter closed, watched her mouth open slightly as she fell asleep. And when he woke up and she was still sleeping, still curled up against him, head still on his chest, arm still thrown over him, when he woke up and she hadn't moved all night, he watched and he worried, thought of how tired she must have been, how sick she had been.
Lee got up slowly, tried not to wake Crystal up. He slipped out of the room, headed to the hall bath to shower. He got Tony up, made breakfast for them. Tony was yawning, dragging his feet down the stairs.
"Where's Mommy?" Tony asked, settling onto the chair.
Lee handed him a bowl of cereal, ruffled his hair. "Still in bed, little man. I figured we'd show her how good us boys are at getting ready. You up for it?"
Tony looked at him askance. "It's early."
Lee grinned. "I know. This is gonna suck, kid." He laughed when Tony made another face at him. "Come on, finish your cereal. I'll let you pick out your clothes today," he said. He wondered if he'd regret it, but Tony got ready with minimal prompting, coming back downstairs in a perfectly serviceable pair of jeans and a tee from Casey's last tour. As Lee grabbed Tony's backpack and got them into the car, he looked at Tony's shirt again. "Why that shirt?"
Tony beamed. "It's so cool! Everybody at school thinks it's awesome that I know Uncle Casey! Uncle Casey is seriously the coolest, Lee."
"Yeah?" Lee asked. "How about one of my tour shirts, or one of your mom's? Want one of those?"
The answering look Tony gave him was so reminiscent of Crystal that Lee had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing.
When he got back, Crystal was up, standing in the kitchen making a cup of tea. She turned when he came in, smiling brightly. "Hey. You could have woken me up, you know."
Lee went over to her, kissed her temple. "I know. You just seemed tired. You do need rest, you know." He ignored the eye roll she gave him. "Is that herbal?" he asked, gesturing to the tea in her hand.
Crystal pursed her lips, turned to face him fully, leaned back on the counter. "Yes. Thanks for getting Tony ready. What's he wearing?"
"Jeans and one of Casey's tour shirts," Lee responded. "Listen, maybe I should get Tony ready every morning. We did okay, you know? And uh. It'd be good practice and like, it's part of, you know. This." He gestured with a hand.
Crystal nodded. "It's fine, Lee, what we're doing now works. That's part of, you know, this. And we're both home so much now, it's really not a big deal, whoever is up first can take care of it. Casey's tour shirt, still?"
"We are apparently not nearly as cool," Lee said. "And I think I should. You can sleep in. Get more rest. Whatever."
Crystal fixed a look on him. "I have been pregnant before, Lee. I'm not suddenly, whatever, incapable."
"I know, I just." Lee sighed. "You've been tired, I want to make things as easy as I can. This is easy for me to do, this is just small. You don't have to do it all alone this time. That's all, babe."
Crystal sighed, pushed herself off the counter towards Lee. "Okay. Yeah, okay. Thank you," she said, kissing him.
Lee started getting Tony ready most mornings, making breakfast for Crystal before he left. He'd research healthy meals, things that would help her through her pregnancy. He made sure everything was fresh and organic, each meal well balanced. He prepared snacks for her, put them into small containers, ready so she'd never have to search or wait. He started doing all the grocery shopping so she wouldn't have to. When she wanted to come with him, he'd try to keep the trips short. At home, he'd set her up to write, jumping up to help her every time she moved or coughed or made a sound. He'd watch closely to make sure she wasn't too tired or pushing herself too much.
He was trying to figure out the crib, which, seriously, was not as easy as the directions looked. There were so many parts and a baby was supposed to go in this and be safe and he didn't know if he could make that happen, make it so that nothing would happen. He had the directions spread on the floor, parts strewn everywhere, and a screwdriver in his hand. Crystal walked in, looked at him. "I think I'm doing this wrong," he said.
She laughed, came over, rested a hand on the back of his neck. "I think you're doing fine. You'll figure it out."
He sighed, leaned back into her touch. She started massaging his neck, rolling her fingers into the muscles. "I have to. And you're right. It's fine. Anyway, how are you?"
She laughed again. "I'm good, Lee. I think you should take a break, stop working so hard. Why don't you come with me?"
He looked up at her sharply. "Why? Are you feeling okay? Tired? Why aren't you sitting?"
She let out a sigh. "Lee. I'm fine. I'm just saying. Maybe you should come with me and take a break. With me. I think you should take a break, with me."
Lee started to stand. "You should be sitting down, come on, I should be massaging your neck not this. Go sit down, I'll be there in a few."
Crystal took a step back, opened her mouth like she wanted to say something. She closed it again, pursed her lips, shook her head. "That's fine. Thank you for putting this together." She turned to walk out the door, stopped and turned back. "Lee. Just. I'm not going to break." She turned back out and left the room. Lee sighed, rubbed the back of his neck.
At night, Lee would finish work in the living room or in the basement studio. He'd tell Crystal to head to bed, to not wait for him. He'd go up later, and sometimes the light would be on, and he'd crawl into bed next to her and turn off the lights, wrap an arm around her waist and pull her close, pet her belly and tell her how much he loved her, loved this. A few times, she was already curled up, light off, and he'd slide in bed, spoon her, try not to wake her. He'd rest his hand on her, feel the curve of her, and wonder how he got so lucky.
One morning, he got up early, like he always did. Got Tony ready for school, ran a few errands. Came home, expecting to find Crystal in the kitchen, like always. He checked the living room and the studio, before heading up the stairs. Headed to their bedroom, found her in the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror. Her shirt was tucked up under her breasts, pants slung below her belly. He leaned against the doorframe, watched as she poked at her belly. She was fuller now, showing in a way that made it clear she was pregnant.
She caught him looking at her, made a face at him in the mirror. "I'm fat. I hate this, I'm fat and I'm not vain, but I'm fat and I hate this."
Lee walked over to her, wrapped his arms around her waist. "Babe. You're not fat. You're pregnant! You're beautiful, so beautiful, and you look amazing!"
She turned around, leaned on the counter. "No. Don't. Just. You can't say that! Don't say that."
Lee took a step back. "Wait, what did I do? Crystal, you're beautiful, what's wrong?"
"Just, Lee. Fuck." She closed her eyes, rubbed her face. "You know, it's fine, I get it, I'm fat. But don't lie to me, you can't lie to me!" She looked at him then, eyes wet. "You've never lied to me, can you not start now?"
Lee moved to touch her arm, thought better of it. "Babe. I'm not lying. God, if you had any idea, what you, how you. You look amazing, all the time, and I can't stop looking at you and I'm so scared to stop looking because I'll miss something, and I can't, not any-"
"Then why won't you touch me?" she interrupted, a hitch to her voice. He stopped, gaped at her. She looked at him, hurt look. "Don't tell me I'm beautiful and amazing, don't lie to me when you can't even touch me! It's fine if you're not, you're not as attracted, I get it, but don't tell me nothing's changed. At least be honest."
He stepped forward then, reached out a hand. "Crystal. I'm not, I promise. I just. God. Do you even know how beautiful you are? I want to touch you every day, I want you every day, and I can't, because, God. How selfish am I? You're tired and you need to rest and it can't be good for you, and all I can think how much of an asshole I am, when you're, you know."
Her mouth twisted a little. "You've been avoiding me because, what, you think you have to?" She looked at him, smiled. "Lee. You're a moron."
He stared at her, glared when she started laughing. "I don't see why this is so funny. I'm trying to be a good guy here, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, but this is the best thing! But you know now, so maybe, I don't know, you'll know I want to but we can't."
Crystal laughed harder. "Lee. Baby. You're seriously an idiot right now and I love you, but oh my god." She tried to catch her breath, leaned back on the counter, head thrown back in amusement. "Lee. I'm not going to break! I already told you, nothing has changed except I'm pregnant but I'm not going to break! And seriously, you're not going to break me! Do you realize what my body is going to be doing? I think I can handle you! And seriously, if I didn't want it, what, I was going to give in anyway, are you even paying attention? Oh honey."
"So wait. I'm. I don't. I don't understand," Lee stuttered.
"You know, for someone who has been reading a lot on this, you're being really silly," Crystal answered, stepping forward. "Did you miss the part about the hormones? Or the fact that it's kind of good for me? Or that I'm not going to break?"
Lee stared at her. Realization dawned on his face. "You mean. Oh. Oh. I see. Um. Well. I see."
Crystal grinned again. Stripped off her shirt, slipped pants down her hips, stepped out of them. His gaze scanned up her body, from the wide round hips, to the full curve of her belly, up to her heavy breasts. Rested on her face. She was amazing. He had watched and watched, and missed so much, but that. He hadn't missed that. She watched him back, waiting for a response. He smiled back at him. She walked past him, brushing her shoulder against his. "Come on. You can apologize later."