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The first time he had a dream in which he killed Cooper, he woke up covered in cold sweat, shaking. Afterwards he couldn’t fall asleep, so he stood outside his house for half an hour or more and considered calling someone, but there was no one to call to, except perhaps Cooper. But he still remembered his own hands squeezing Cooper’s neck in the dream. He felt sick and threw up behind the bed of flowers.
The second time, he felt more tired than shocked. He stayed up for the rest of the night, sitting on the sofa and watching a movie, but it was difficult to keep up with the plot so he tried porn, but still he kept wondering who was who and why the hell he was having these dreams. He turned the television off and just sat there, staring at the television and drinking coffee. Later that day, Hawk asked what was wrong with him, and he said what do you think and regretted it right after, but Hawk only watched him and said nothing.
The third time, he had promised he would go see Cooper in the hospital the day after. He took a shower and tried to do something to his hair with no luck at all, and then he stood next to his car for a long time because his hands were shaking. This time, he had shot Cooper. Cooper had had that glint in his eyes, that strange look that told him it wasn’t Coop, not really, it was a stranger who only wore Cooper’s body. And he had pulled the trigger. It was a dream, he told himself as he finally sat down in the car, it was only a dream, but after everything that had happened since 1989, he wasn’t so sure.
When he stepped inside the hospital room, he thought that perhaps Cooper saw it on his face. He walked to the side of Cooper’s bed and stopped there. Cooper was pale but not as pale as two weeks ago when they had found him in the woods.
“Hi,” he said.
“Harry,” Cooper said in a hoarse voice and looked at him. “I’m glad you came.”
“Water?” he said, and Cooper nodded. There was a glass of water on the bedside table. He passed it to Cooper and then watched as the man held the glass with both hands. “Need help with that?”
“I’m fine,” Cooper said. His hands were shaking.
Bullshit, Harry thought and placed his hand on Cooper’s. Cooper glanced at him but drank the water anyway. Cooper’s hands were warm. Harry tried not to think about the dream.
“What’s wrong?” Cooper asked, when he had finished drinking.
“Nothing.”
“Harry.”
“So, when’re you going to get out of here?”
“Doctor Hayward says probably in a few days. Harry, you have to tell me.”
“I had a dream,” he said and then bit his lip. Fucking hell. He supposed he had never known how to keep stuff from Cooper, but now would have been a great time to start learning. “It’s nothing. Really.”
“What was it about?” Cooper asked, frowning. He looked worried like a man who had just come out of another world after being trapped in there for five years. Five fucking years. Harry couldn’t even imagine what it had been like.
“Don’t worry about it. So, why exactly is the doctor keeping you here?”
“It was about me,” Cooper said, watching him, “the dream, wasn’t it? Harry?”
He shook his head.
“You’re a terrible liar. I think you used to be better.”
“I don’t know.”
“So, sit down and tell me about the dream.”
“No,” he said but sat down anyway.
Cooper frowned. “That bad?”
“No,” Harry said and sighed, “yeah. I killed you.”
“Oh.”
“It was just a dream.”
“Me,” Cooper said, “or the other me?”
“The other you,” Harry said, and Cooper looked relieved.
“Harry,” Cooper said, “could you get me some coffee? I think they’re giving me decaf. No wonder I’m not getting any better.”
“You aren’t getting any better?”
“Well,” Cooper said and blinked, “there’s nothing actually wrong with me. I just… I can’t do anything. I literally can’t.”
“You talk pretty well.”
“It’s about you, Harry. I can talk to you. You’re easier than the doctor. I don’t know why. But I keep forgetting how to… how to read and write and walk, damn it. Harry, it’s like I’ve lost it somehow.”
“Lost what?”
“I don’t know,” Cooper said, watching him. “Harry, I’m not upset that you killed me in the dream. I’d have done it, too.”
Later, he drove to the station where everyone took turns asking him about Cooper. He told them that he believed Cooper was going to be fine. No one pointed out that he was lying.
He thought about going back to the hospital on the way home, but two times a day felt like overdoing it. Perhaps Cooper would get tired of him. They had known each other only for a short time, after all, and it had been five years ago. He turned on the radio. Five years. For five years he had been terrified of Cooper and also missed him like crazy. It was easy to understand why he’d been terrified, but the missing part? Perhaps it was only because of the way everything had ended. He’d lost Cooper and then he’d thought he’d got Cooper back and then he’d realized it wasn’t Cooper after all, it was someone else.
His house was dark and empty. He walked straight to the kitchen and reached for the bottle of bourbon he kept on the upper shelf. No one was going to come over anyway. There was nothing good on television but he stared at a show for a while anyway. Even in an hour and a half he couldn’t make himself remember the characters’ names.
In the morning, he woke up on his sofa. The television was still on. His neck felt like someone had stepped on it and he remembered punching the other Cooper on the face in the dream.
**
“Harry?”
“Doctor Hayward?”
The doctor closed the door and then glanced through the tiny window. “I think he’s finally taking a nap. He’s not really sleeping too well.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“I know,” Doctor Hayward said, “I know. Harry, I can’t keep him here much longer.”
“Good. I think he wants to go home.”
“Home? Where’s his home?”
Harry opened his mouth and then realized he didn’t know.
“He’s been away for five years,” the doctor said. “Harry, I wouldn’t mind having him around here for a while longer. I’d like to see how it turns out for him. And he’s… something’s off with him. I don’t know what it is. I can’t explain it. It doesn’t show in tests, but he’s… have you seen a broken marionette? I’d like to keep eye on him.”
Harry glanced through the window in the door. Cooper had his eyes closed and his mouth slightly open. He really looked like he was asleep. Possibly there was someone waiting for him somewhere, not a girlfriend, not after five years, but someone else.
“Harry, I’d like you to take him.”
Harry blinked. “What?”
“You have a big house,” Doctor Hayward said. “You have space. Take him home with you and tell me if there’s any trouble.”
“I don’t know how to…”
“I’d guess it’s just the trauma of it,” the doctor said, “what is wrong with him. Of course you don’t have to do this, Harry. He could go to the hotel. Or perhaps he wants to leave Twin Peaks. But I thought –“
“I’ll do it.”
“Great,” the doctor said and smiled at him. “You can take him as soon as you like. Maybe today. I think he’s getting tired of watching these walls.”
He was going to say that perhaps Cooper didn’t want to go home with him. Perhaps Cooper wanted to get back to wherever he had come to Twin Peaks from in the first place. But Doctor Hayward patted Harry on the shoulder and he couldn’t make himself say anything, and also it was surprisingly difficult to imagine that Cooper would leave now that they’d just got him back. He took a deep breath and opened the door as quietly as he could, and then he walked to Cooper’s bed and sat down in a chair beside it. Cooper flinched but didn’t wake up. Harry tried not to move in the chair because he was pretty sure it would creak, and then he closed his eyes for a moment and just kept listening to Cooper’s steady breaths, in and out, in and out. He supposed he had pretty much given up already. He wished Cooper would never find out.
“Harry?”
He opened his eyes. Cooper was watching him. Cooper’s mouth wasn’t smiling but his eyes were.
“Doctor Hayward says you can leave now. You can come to my place.”
“Sorry?”
Harry bit his lip. “If you want to. You can go anywhere. I just thought… the doctor just thought… that maybe if someone was around…”
“Harry,” Cooper said, “I’d like to come to your place. I’d like that very much. But don’t you have…”
“What?”
Cooper blinked. “Something. A… someone. It’s been five years. The doctor tells me it’s been five years.”
“Yeah.”
“So?”
Harry shook his head. “No. It’s going to be just you and me. But I can’t be around all the time because of the, you know, work.”
“Damn,” Cooper said in a quiet voice, “I wish I could go to work, too.”
“You will,” Harry said, and Cooper looked at him as if he appreciated the lie, “I’m sure you will.”
“Harry,” Cooper said, “would you mind asking for a nurse? If the doctor lets me leave as you say, I’d like to be properly dressed.”
“Of course,” Harry said, “of course.”
He stood beside the door as the nurse had a short but lively conversation with Cooper. Cooper wanted his suit, the nurse had absolutely no idea where it was. Cooper looked so confused that Harry sighed and asked around. Finally he found Cooper’s suit. He went back with it and Cooper’s eyes smiled at him. Then the nurse helped Cooper to dress, and Harry wondered if he ought to leave, but Cooper watched him over the nurse’s shoulder, shaking his head, so he didn’t.
It was a grey, rainy day of late October. Doctor Hayward walked them to the parking lot. Harry had to grab Cooper’s arm three or four times because Cooper seemed to keep forgetting how walking actually happened, but finally they got the car. Cooper leaned his palm against the door and took deep breaths, Doctor Hayward looked worried and sad and Harry had no idea what he was getting himself to.
They drove to Harry’s place in silence. Cooper kept watching through the window. Harry wanted to say something kind and comforting and encouraging but everything that lingered in his mouth felt clumsy and wrong. Cooper didn’t seem to mind the silence, though. Harry parked the car as close to front door as he could and Cooper glanced at him but didn’t say anything, only pushed the door open and got out of the car. He hurried to walk beside Cooper just in case the man fell, but Cooper got to the door just fine and then leaned against it until Harry opened it.
“I haven’t cleaned up since, I don’t even know when,” Harry said. “I didn’t know you were coming.”
“Me neither,” Cooper said. “Harry, do you mind if I sit down for a minute?”
“No, no. Come on in. I’ll make you coffee.”
“Thank God,” Cooper said.
**
“So,” Harry said and sat down on the sofa. Cooper had already drank two cups of coffee and Harry had called Hawk and told him that he was going to take the rest of the day off because he couldn’t leave Cooper alone, not yet. Now Cooper had an empty mug in between his hands. He looked tired and as if he wasn’t sure where he was. “So,” Harry tried again, “tell me something.”
Cooper blinked slowly and watched him.
“About what happened to you.”
“What happened to me,” Cooper said, “I don’t know what happened to me. Harry, I was… I was sitting in a room. In a room with red curtains.”
“But it’s been five years,” Harry said and then bit his lip.
“Yes,” Cooper said.
“You sat there for five years.”
“It didn’t feel like five years,” Cooper said, “it didn’t feel like anything. Do I look older?”
“I don’t know,” Harry lied.
“Harry.”
“You have this… I don’t know. You look tired. Not old but tired.”
“I feel ancient,” Cooper said, “and also like I left yesterday. Harry, the doctor told me that Annie moved away.”
“Yeah,” he said and took the mug away from Cooper’s hands because they were shaking again. “She left as soon as she got out of the hospital.”
“Is she okay?” Cooper asked in a steady voice. “Do you think she’s okay?”
“From what I’ve heard from Norma,” Harry said and tried to smile a little, “she moved to Chicago and got married. The guy owns a toy shop and Annie writes poems. They’re pretty sad, I read a few but it only made me feel worse. But Norma says she’s probably kind of happy.”
“Kind of happy,” Cooper said. “Harry, she was trying to get as far from me as she could.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Yes, it was.”
“Coop –“
“Windom wouldn’t have taken her if I hadn’t loved her,” Cooper said.
Harry opened his mouth and then closed it.
“Well, I’m glad to hear she found something,” Cooper said, “you know, something to hold onto. Harry, tell me about you.”
“What about me?”
“Your life,” Cooper said. He looked oddly hungry. “Tell me about your life.”
Harry straightened in his chair. “My life?”
“Yes,” Cooper said and leaned closer to him, only his hands were still shaking. “Tell me. Tell me what you’ve been doing for the last five years.”
“Not much,” he said and cleared his throat. He should’ve taken a bit bourbon before this but now it was too late, and Cooper was watching him as if he really wanted to hear. “You know how it is.”
“No, I don’t.”
He swallowed. “Yeah. So, I’ve been… I’ve been here, Coop. I’ve been here for the whole time.”
Cooper looked like he was terribly envious and also too tired to try to hide it.
“I’ve gone to work,” Harry said, “and, well, I’ve gone fishing. Not often but sometimes. And…”
“Did you -,” Cooper said and swallowed, “did you love anyone? After Josie?”
“No,” Harry said. “No, I didn’t. Anyway, it’s been… it hasn’t been very great. Not for me. Not for the town.”
“Because of the other me.”
“That’s not your fault,” Harry said, “not one bit.”
Cooper looked straight at him. “I know, Harry. I’m sorry anyway.”
“Coop,” he said and swallowed, “do you mind if I take some bourbon?”
“No,” Cooper said. “Go ahead.”
“Do you want some?”
“I’m good with coffee, thank you,” Cooper said.
Harry nodded and then opened his mouth but couldn’t figure out anything to say, so he stood up and walked to the kitchen. He thought Cooper was looking at him but didn’t dare to check. He took a clean glass from the cupboard and poured a little more bourbon than he had meant to, but then again, he was alone with Cooper. Maybe it didn’t matter.
When he went back to the living room, Cooper had his eyes closed. The sun was shining on his face from the gap of the half-closed curtains.
“Coop,” Harry said.
“Harry,” Cooper said without opening his eyes.
“Thank God you’re here. Thank God.”
“I know, Harry,” Cooper said.
They sat in silence for a while. Harry drank his bourbon and then considered getting more, but it was kind of easy to be silent with Cooper. He couldn’t be drunk all the time anyway, not now that Cooper was living with him.
In some point, he asked if Cooper wanted to watch television and Cooper looked at him as if he didn’t remember what it was. They watched a show that was terribly boring and Cooper looked surprised about every little thing that happened. Harry gave up about the television and watched Cooper instead and it worked out a lot better. Cooper didn’t seem to mind.
**
He had to drive to the town to get Cooper a toothbrush. He asked if Cooper wanted to stay at the house, and Cooper looked terrified but like he could never say it aloud, so Harry said he wouldn’t mind the company. Cooper didn’t come to the shop with him, and when he came back to the car, Cooper was staring at the woods through the window. They drove back home and Cooper kept his eyes on the rear-view mirror, but when Harry glanced at it, there was nothing but trees on sight.
“So,” he said later when they were already at home, “are you tired?”
“I don’t know,” Cooper said.
Harry took a deep breath. “Okay. Where’d you like to sleep? The sofa isn’t too good but I have a mattress if you want to –“
Cooper frowned.
“You could sleep in my bed if you want to,” Harry said. “It’s big enough. If you want to. But the mattress is fine, too. I think I bought it in 1984 so it’s not even –“
“Harry,” Cooper said and cleared his throat. “Your bed is fine.”
“It is?”
“I wouldn’t mind,” Cooper said, “you know, not sleeping alone.”
“Okay,” he said and walked to the kitchen and then back to Cooper, who was standing in the hallway and watching him, “okay, great. I’ll just get you clean sheets and… a pillow.”
“Harry.”
“I might snore. I don’t know, it’s been a long time since there’s been anyone to tell me. And sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night. And sometimes I can’t fall asleep. And sometimes I –“
“Harry, don’t worry,” Cooper said. “So, you said you got me a toothbrush.”
Harry went to the bathroom with Cooper to show him where the toothpaste was, and then he was going to leave but Cooper looked at him and he stayed. Cooper brushed his teeth and he stood in the doorway and tried to feel like nothing was wrong. When Cooper finally closed the door, he waited on the other side and hummed an old tune which name he didn’t remember so that Cooper would know he was still there.
“Thank you,” Cooper said, when he came out of the bathroom.
“It’s alright,” Harry said, walked in and closed the door. “You can go to the bedroom. It’s the last door on the right.”
When he was ready and stepped out of the bathroom again, Cooper was still standing right where he’d left him. Cooper glanced at him but didn’t really look him in the eyes, and he took a deep breath.
“Let’s go to sleep,” he said and Cooper nodded.
It was strange. It was definitely strange but also there was no way he was going to tell Cooper to sleep in the living room, not when the man clearly couldn’t stand brushing his teeth behind a closed door, alone. He lay in the bed and kept his eyes on the ceiling, and next to him Cooper was so still that sometimes he held his breath so that he knew Cooper was still breathing.
He thought he wasn’t going to fall asleep, but then he realized there was an odd blue light filling the room and he had a gun in his hand, only his hand was shaking, and he pointed the gun at Cooper who lay next to him and slowly turned his head. And then he saw Cooper’s eyes and froze, because this was his Cooper, and they weren’t in his bedroom anymore, they were at the Brookhouse the night after Josie had died, and Cooper took a gun from him and held him, and he let it happen because Cooper smelled nice and familiar and also he had been so fucking lonely for the last five years. And then he woke up, and his bedroom was dark and the wind was cluttering the window glass, and beside him, Cooper was lying on his side, his back turned to Harry.
He closed his eyes but didn’t fall asleep for a long time.
**
“I have to go to work,” he said and put on a shirt.
“Yes,” Cooper said, “of course.”
“But I’ll make you coffee first. And I’ll check that there’s something eatable in the fridge. Or actually I think that I’m going to come home for lunch. I’ll bring you something. We can eat together. And if there’s nothing going on at the station, I think I can leave at four.”
“Harry, it’s fine. I’m fine.”
“But you really aren’t,” he said, took a deep breath and tugged his shirt into the trousers. Cooper was still sitting on the bed, watching him. “You could just come with me.”
“No. I don’t think I can.”
“Maybe there’s someone,” he said and cleared his throat, “someone who could keep you company.”
“No,” Cooper said.
“No?”
Cooper shook his head. “Just come back for lunch. I can stand being four hours alone.”
Harry had a bad feeling about it, but surely he couldn’t ask Hawk cover for him two days in a row. He told Cooper he’d make sure Lucy was by the phone, and he’d come back at lunch-time and bring Cooper something to eat, anything he wanted, and it turned out Cooper couldn’t name a single food item besides coffee. When he finally left, he thought about turning back three times at least. But they could do this, Cooper and him. There was at least a good chance that they could. So he drove to the station and called home to see if Cooper was fine, and Cooper said he was, and he told Lucy to stay near to the phone, and then he stayed near to Lucy to make sure that she did.
“How was your day?” Cooper asked later, when Harry finally got back home.
He stopped in the doorway. Cooper was sitting on the sofa, wearing his suit. That was exactly where he had left Cooper when he’d gone back to work after lunch. “Fine. How was yours?”
“Doctor Hayward came by,” Cooper said, “soon after you left.”
“So, did he…” Harry said and cleared his throat, “I suppose he didn’t run any tests or say anything about, well, your…”
“I’m fine, Harry,” Cooper said. The corners of his mouth twitched as if he was trying to smile but didn’t remember how to. “It’s in my head.”
Harry nodded, although he didn’t like the sound of it. “Well, it was nice for him to come by. And you look good.”
Cooper frowned. “I do?”
“Yeah,” Harry said, “yeah, of course. The suit makes you look like, you know, like before.”
“Before I went missing.”
“Yeah. Sorry. I didn’t mean to bring that up.”
“Harry,” Cooper said, “you absolutely can’t avoid bringing that up if you’re going to speak to me at all.”
“Great,” Harry said and then bit his lip. Fucking hell. He hadn’t been at home for five minutes yet and already he was saying all the wrong things. And Cooper was sitting in the middle of his living room, dressed in his black suit, looking like he belonged anywhere but here.
Harry placed his hat on the drawer, walked to the window and opened the curtains so that the light got in, and when he turned, Cooper was still looking at him.
“So,” he said, “what’ve you been doing after lunch?”
Cooper opened his mouth and then flinched. “I can’t remember.”
“Okay,” Harry said and tried to think, “don’t worry. What do you want to do now?”
“Harry,” Cooper said in a quiet voice.
“I’ll think about something,” Harry said and walked to the kitchen. Cooper turned to look at him over his shoulder. “Perhaps we should go out.”
“Out?”
“Out of the house. Like, to the yard. We could take a walk. People do it sometimes.”
Cooper blinked.
“Or we could go fishing,” Harry said. “I have a boat.”
“I’m afraid I don’t remember how to –“
“It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. Listen, I’ll make you coffee and we’ll eat something and then we’ll go fishing. Alright?”
Cooper nodded. Harry took a deep breath and then tried to concentrate on the coffee maker, but once in a while he glanced over his shoulder and every time Cooper was watching him. He smiled at Cooper and Cooper blinked and looked like he really wanted to smile back. Perhaps this was a bad idea, after all. He had no idea how to deal with Cooper or what actually was wrong with Cooper. Surely Doctor Hayward could have found someone better, someone who would have known what to say and do.
“Thank you, Harry,” Cooper said a bit later, when Harry passed him a cup of coffee.
They sat on the sofa for a while and drank coffee and ate sandwiches, and Harry tried to look at Cooper without the man noticing it, but Cooper kept glancing at him. The suit seemed a bit large for Cooper, but maybe it was just him imagining things. Cooper frowned at him and he asked if the coffee was alright, and Cooper almost smiled.
**
“So, these dreams. Tell me about them.”
Harry froze. They were sitting in the boat in the middle of the lake, and to be honest he had hard time trying to care about the fishing. The water was still and the sky was grey and Cooper was wearing Harry’s coat that was too large for him.
“Your dreams, Harry.”
“I shouldn’t have -,” he said and bit his lip. “You don’t need to hear about them.”
“Did you meet me?” Cooper asked and leaned closer to him. “Did you know me? When I was away?”
“Coop, don’t –“
“Tell me.”
He swallowed and then nodded. Cooper didn’t look surprised at all.
“What did I do?”
“It wasn’t you.”
“Harry.”
“I only met you a couple of times”, Harry said and tried to look elsewhere but Cooper held his gaze. “I think you went to Canada for a while.”
“You’re having dreams in which you kill me.”
“Coop –“
“Just tell me, Harry,” Cooper said.
“A few times,” Harry said as steadily as he could, “we saw you in the woods. I think we did, me and Hawk. One was last March, and one was perhaps two or three years –“
“Harry. That’s not it.”
He took a deep breath. “There was this girl. In high school. Dark hair, blue eyes. Beautiful. We heard she had met someone, a stranger who always wore a suit.” Cooper flinched but didn’t ask him to stop. “The man was rich and handsome. That’s what she said when we talked to her.”
“Rich and handsome?” Cooper asked in a quiet voice.
“Yeah. So, I thought I was getting paranoid. But Hawk backed me up. We got her to tell us when she was going to meet him next time. It was at the Roadhouse but she slipped away from us. We followed. Are you sure you want to hear?”
Cooper nodded but also looked like he was going to throw up.
“You drove her to the woods. But we got there in time, Coop, kind of. You had… I guess you had hit her with a rock. She had blood in her face and… but she lives, Coop, she’s alive. Her family moved out of the town soon after.”
“Harry,” Cooper said and swallowed visibly, “Harry, did I –“
“You didn’t,” Harry said. “I pulled you away from her. And I… I hit you. In your face. You just kept laughing at me.”
Cooper looked like he was never going to laugh again.
“I kept… I kept punching you,” Harry said even though he didn’t want to anymore, he wanted to close his mouth and shut the hell up but the words kept running away from him. “You were lying on the ground and I tried to… I don’t know. Hawk had to come in between us and you got up in a second and ran. We went after you but it was dark and I was… I wasn’t really myself. Shit. Coop, I think I tried to kill you.”
“It’s okay, Harry,” Cooper said breathlessly. “It’s okay. It wasn’t me.”
Harry shook his head. The air was cold and the water was slowly starting to wrinkle in the wind. He placed his palms on his knees and realized that both were shaking. “Fucking hell. Coop, how’re we going to… what’re we going to do?”
“We could go back to the house,” Cooper said, “and watch some television.”
“I missed you like hell,” Harry said and then held his breath, but Cooper didn’t look shocked or uncomfortable, only a bit cold despite the coat. “I told myself I hadn’t even known you but –“
“You knew me, Harry.”
“But I missed you. And then every time I saw you it was like, I don’t know, like a punch on the face. Because you were there but you weren’t you.”
“I’m here now,” Cooper said, looking at him. The wind had messed with Cooper’s hair so that it fell into his eyes, and he kept pushing it back.
“You look ridiculous in that coat, Coop.”
Cooper blinked. “Harry, I think I’ve forgotten how to smile.”
“I know,” Harry said. “Coop, I’m fucked up. I wanted so badly to get you back from there and when you came back, I started having those dreams.”
“Next time,” Cooper said, “wake me up. I’ll tell you that it’s me. And I’ll let you punch me if you want to.”
“What?” Harry said and then laughed even though surely he shouldn’t have. Cooper watched him, sitting in his boat, wearing his coat, twitching the corners of his mouth in a way that resembled smiling. The woods around the lake were getting dark and the clouds in the sky were red and grey.
“I’ll take you home,” Harry said. “I bet your hands are getting cold.”
“Thank you, Harry,” Cooper said.
Harry rowed them back to the shore. The wind kept throwing Cooper’s hair into impossible directions and he kept watching it because obviously there was nothing else to look at but Cooper. For the most of the time Cooper stared back at him but it didn’t even feel strange. It felt like this was what he had missed.
**
He realized right away that it had been a wrong question. They hadn’t really turned on the lights and the light that came from the television only made sharp shadows on Cooper’s face, but he saw that Cooper was hurting. Inside. Probably inside. He had never been good at this kind of things.
“Coop, you don’t have to think about that. I’m sorry I asked.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do next, Harry,” Cooper said, turning to face him.
“Of course you don’t. I shouldn’t have –“
“Stop apologizing, Harry,” Cooper said, but he didn’t sound angry. “You can ask me whatever you like. I just… sometimes I forget that I’m so… incapable these days.”
“You’re not incapable, you’re just –“
“I can’t fix it,” Cooper said. “It’s like my mind is in pieces and I keep thinking that if I shake them enough, eventually they’ll fall to the right places. But it won’t happen. I can’t fix it.”
“Coop. Listen to me. You’re going to be alright. You’re –“
“Doctor Hayward called my father. I tried to talk with him. But I kept forgetting what I was saying.”
Harry opened his mouth and then closed it again. In the television a young couple was kissing. He hadn’t bothered to follow the plot, so he didn’t know why.
“I don’t think I can be a FBI agent anymore,” Cooper said. He sounded a bit shocked.
“Perhaps, in time –“
“There’s nothing to get back to. It’s been five years and even back then I only had my work. Nothing else. And it was enough, for the most of the time at least. But now…”
Harry waited. Cooper was watching the couple in the television, his mouth half-open and his face oddly frozen.
“I can’t think where I’d go,” Cooper said at the television, “when I leave from here. But I can’t stay here. I can’t stay. It’s not my life.”
Fucking hell, Harry thought, leaned closer and grabbed Cooper’s hand. Cooper turned to look at him. He squeezed Cooper’s hand as gently as he could and tried not look like he was freaking out a little.
“I’m not going to throw you out, Coop,” he said and then dropped his eyes to their hands. It looked like he was holding Cooper’s hand. Probably he was. “Listen to me. I haven’t done anything in five years that’d be worth mentioning. Mostly I’ve just been thinking about how I messed up and let you get trapped into that place. And I’ve drunk a lot, too. That’s what I’ve been doing. It’s not like you’re interrupting anything.”
“Harry, I can’t let you –“
“Shut up,” he said and placed his other hand on Cooper’s arm. Cooper didn’t seem to mind. “You can stay as long as you like. Now, I think we were watching this movie about –“
“She has a flower shop,” Cooper said and frowned at the television. The kissing was still going on in there. “I think he’s a customer.”
“They look happy,” Harry said without thinking, and Cooper glanced at him and then at the television and looked like he was wondering how Harry had come to that conclusion. Harry patted Cooper’s arm once more and then drew his hands away and went back to the sofa. Cooper kept looking at the kissing couple, and he looked at Cooper who was wearing his black suit again, which had to be uncomfortable, but perhaps it made Cooper feel like not everything had changed. Harry could have borrowed the man something a bit more comfortable. But he actually kind of liked the way Cooper looked, sitting in his dark and messy living room but dressed as he was planning to go to a business meeting. His hair was still messy. He apparently hadn’t bothered to fix it up after they’d come from the lake. Harry smiled and then turned his gaze back to the television.
“What the –“
“What?” Cooper said, looking at him with wide eyes. “Harry?”
“Nothing,” he said, “nothing at all. Damn. I just… I wasn’t paying attention and then I glanced at it and they were pretty much having sex and… oh, shit. They’re having sex.”
Cooper frowned. In the television, the woman was lying on the floor, her eyes closed and mouth open, and it really looked like she was just acting.
“Sorry,” Harry said and shook his head, “sorry. I just got surprised.”
“About that”, Cooper said and glanced at the television. “About that?”
“Yeah. Sorry.”
“We could turn it off.”
“It’s alright. I’ll just… maybe I should drink some water. You want some?”
“Please,” Cooper said and then looked at him as he stood up and walked to the kitchen. He tried to look like he didn’t care. The woman in the television was breathing pretty heavily. He poured water to the glasses as slowly as he could, and then he went back to the living room and passed the glass of water to Cooper. Their fingers brushed. Cooper didn’t seem to notice.
“Harry,” Cooper said, when Harry had sat down onto the sofa again. Cooper’s voice was soft. Harry thought about getting up and going to somewhere, possibly to bathroom, but Cooper would’ve realized he was trying to avoid the conversation.
“Yeah?” he asked and tried not to look at what was happening in the television.
“Tell me,” Cooper said, watching him. “Tell me why you… I don’t know. Why you jumped.”
“I didn’t jump.”
Cooper just stared at him.
“I don’t know,” he said finally, because surely it was better than to let Cooper stare at him silently until the fucking end of the world. “I haven’t… I haven’t done anything in, you know, in five years. But it’s not like I haven’t seen sex. Of course I’ve seen sex. I watch porn.”
“You watch porn?”
“Yeah,” he said and bit his lip, why the hell was he still talking -, “you remember what porn is, don’t you?”
“Yes,” Cooper said. “Yes, I remember what porn is. So, it’s about me. You don’t mind the sex on television but you mind it because I’m here.”
“No,” Harry said and then sighed, “maybe. Yeah. But it’s just that you haven’t had... obviously you haven’t… you haven’t slept with anyone in five years. Because you were away.”
“That’s true,” Cooper said in a calm voice. He didn’t look uncomfortable at all, only a bit puzzled.
“But before that,” Harry said and bit his lip, but clearly he couldn’t stop himself anymore, “before that you had sex.”
“Yes,” Cooper said slowly.
“With women.”
“Yes. I slept with Annie. Once.”
“You slept with Annie.”
“Yes”, Cooper said. “At the hotel. She came to talk about her speech in the… in Miss Twin Peaks contest.”
“Oh.”
“Harry,” Cooper said, “why are we talking about this?”
Harry stood up. In the television the couple was now fully dressed, riding bicycles on a beach, thank God. He swallowed and looked at Cooper, who was looking back at him as if he was the case and Cooper was the special agent. “I don’t know. We are not. We definitely aren’t talking about this.”
“Harry –“
“No sex,” he said and blinked, “no talking about sex, I mean. You can have sex if you want to. But you should probably tell me if you’re going to bring someone over. The bedroom is pretty messy and –“
“Harry,” Cooper said, and Harry took a deep breath. “I’m not going to bring anyone over. Sit down. Please.”
He stared at Cooper for a few seconds and then sat down. His hands were shaking a little. Cooper seemed absolutely still.
“Maybe we should watch something else,” Cooper said.
“I think the news are on –“
“Not the news,” Cooper said and then breathed in. “Sorry, Harry. I don’t think I can bear the news.”
“Okay,” Harry said and felt slightly better. He couldn’t stand watching sex on television and Cooper couldn’t stand the news, so maybe there was something wrong with the both of them. He changed channels until he found a movie about a dog.
Later, he woke up, when Cooper called his name. It turned out that the dog had died and after that the movie had got quite sad, but Cooper seemed calm and not stressed at all, so it probably hadn’t been too bad. Harry’s neck hurt but he wasn’t going to mention it, because it was his own fault for falling asleep on the sofa. They brushed their teeth and then went to bed. He listened to Cooper’s breaths for a long time before he fell asleep.
**
He knew it was a dream but he couldn’t help it. Cooper was lying on the ground in the woods and already his face was covered in blood, but Harry had one hand on his shoulder and with the other he was going to -
“Harry,” Cooper said and grabbed his shoulders.
He opened his eyes. Cooper looked pale in the dim light coming from the window, but it was the real Cooper, his Cooper. He wrapped his fingers around Cooper’s wrist and Cooper let go off his shoulder.
“Sorry,” he said. His voice sounded hoarse, as if he had been running after the wrong Cooper through the woods. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t,” Cooper said, still not backing away. “Harry, I’m right here. What was it about?”
“I have to go the bathroom.”
“I’m right here. Tell me.”
“Another dream,” he said and tried not to look at Cooper, but Cooper was too close. “Don’t worry about it. I’m just going to –“
He drew his fingers away from Cooper’s wrist. Cooper grabbed his hand.
“Harry, tell me I’m here.”
Oh, shit, he thought. Cooper’s chest was rising and falling in the rhythm of the sharp breaths. “Cooper. Coop. You’re here.”
“I’m here,” Cooper said and squeezed his wrist. “Harry –“
He placed his hand on the side of Cooper’s face. Cooper stared at him but drew a deep breath. Something was shaking, possibly Harry’s hand and possibly Cooper. “Listen to me, Coop. You’re here. I can see you. You’re right here.”
“Shit,” Cooper said and closed his eyes, “shit, shit, shit –“
“It’s okay. It’s okay, Coop.”
“Harry, I don’t think I can sleep. I don’t remember how.”
“Fine,” Harry said and followed the line of Cooper’s jaw. Cooper seemed to lean into his hand lightly. But it was really too dark to see properly and perhaps they wouldn’t even remember this in the morning.
“It’s not fine, Harry,” Cooper said, his eyes still closed. “I’m a FBI special agent. I was a FBI special agent. Things have happened before. And I always got through. But this… I don’t even know what’s wrong. Nothing happened.”
“Coop,” Harry said, “you’re the best FBI special agent that I know. But no one can take anything.”
“I sat in a room with red curtains,” Cooper said, “for five years. Nothing happened to me.”
“Open your eyes,” Harry said, and Cooper did. “Good. Now, I need to go the bathroom. And then we’ll do something. We could watch TV if you want to.”
“No,” Cooper said but let go off his wrist, “no, I don’t think there’s anything decent going in the middle of the night. You should get back to sleep.”
“I’m not going to leave you alone.”
“I’ll be right here,” Cooper said, and then his voice fell as if he wasn’t talking to Harry anymore, “I’ll be here.”
Harry got out of the bed and walked to the bathroom. His heart was running and he was still breathing unsteadily. He sat down in the toilet seat and buried his face in his hands. Cooper’s face had been softer than his. And the whole house was silent, so in a few minutes he was beginning to think that perhaps something was missing, and he washed his hands in a hurry and walked back to the bedroom just to find Cooper lying there, on his back, eyes closed. He listened Cooper’s breaths for a while before he believed that the man had fallen asleep.
**
They didn’t say a word about the night. Harry made breakfast and tried not to think about how Cooper had grabbed his wrist, or how he had held his hand on the side of Cooper’s face. Cooper talked about something that had happened in the television yesterday, something about the dead dog and trains, and he didn’t understand a word but didn’t want to interrupt Cooper. Maybe he was imagining things, or maybe Cooper seemed a bit better this morning. Also, he couldn’t understand how Cooper had again got his hair fixed, because he was pretty sure he didn’t have any hair products in the house.
He told Cooper to call anytime he wanted, and Cooper told him not to worry. He drove to the station and every one asked him about Cooper and he realized it was getting very difficult to say anything. He told them Cooper was fine. Later, Hawk knocked on his door and asked if he was fine, and he said that he thought he was. Hawk didn’t look convinced. He told Hawk about the dreams before he fully realized what he was doing, and Hawk watched him seriously and didn’t look surprised at all, but then again, he didn’t know if he had ever seen Hawk look surprised. Later, he felt slightly better, even though he wasn’t sure what Hawk had actually said to him. It had been something about the mild winds.
At lunch time, he drove back home and he and Cooper ate take-away from Norma’s. Cooper was quiet but otherwise seemed fine. When Harry had to leave again, he turned in the doorway and patted Cooper on the shoulder, and Cooper looked genuinely delighted. On the way back to the station, he felt oddly light and probably drove a bit too fast.
When he came back home in the evening, Cooper was listening to the radio and reading a book about the history of building ships. He had forgotten he had it. Cooper was still wearing his suit but the two top buttons were opened. He looked happy to see Harry, and Harry told him about the discussion Lucy and Andy had been having about getting a dog. At one point, he thought for a second that Cooper was going to laugh.
**
It was certainly possible that someone had been knocking on their door for a while before Harry realized it and stood up. Cooper glanced at him and then took another sip of his coffee, and Harry walked to the door and wished it was nothing that’d require his attention, because he and Cooper had been planning to watch a movie tonight and he didn’t want to miss that. He breathed in and opened the door.
“Harry,” Doctor Hayward said.
“Doctor Hayward,” he said.
Doctor Hayward smiled but there was something worried in his eyes. “Can I come in?”
“Of course,” Harry said. Doctor Hayward nodded at him. Nothing happened. Then he realized he was still standing in the doorway and that he probably should step aside, so he did and Doctor Hayward followed him in.
“It’s quite dark in here”, Doctor Hayward said.
“We were watching television,” Harry said, but the doctor was probably right. He walked to the living room. All the curtains were closed, and the light coming from the television was reflected on Cooper’s face. At the moment the light was kind of blue and very cold. Harry bit his lip and turned the lights on, and Cooper flinched. “Sorry,” he said.
“Agent Cooper,” Doctor Hayward said, dragged the nearest chair to the sofa, sat down and looked straight at Cooper. “How are you? How are things going?”
“I’m not an agent anymore,” Cooper said and glanced at Harry. “It’s very bright in here.”
“We forgot to open the curtains, Coop,” Harry said.
“Just turn off the light, Harry,” Doctor Hayward said in a gentle voice. “Agent Cooper, I was driving by and decided that perhaps I should ask how the two of you are doing. Is there anything that’s troubling you?”
“Anything?” Cooper asked.
Harry turned off the lights again and then walked to the sofa and sat down next to Cooper.
“I mean,” Doctor Hayward said, “anything considering your health. Or… about how you’re coping with all this.”
“Yes,” Cooper said, “no, I don’t know.”
“I think he’s getting better,” Harry said, and Doctor Hayward smiled at him like one would smile to a child who had just asked if dogs go to heaven.
“I’m sure that he is, Harry”, Doctor Hayward said, “I’m sure you are, Agent Cooper. Would you please look straight at me? Are you having any new symptoms?”
“No,” Cooper said.
“What kind of symptoms?”
“I don’t know, Harry,” Doctor Hayward said. “This is new to all of us. I just want to hear how it’s going. Are you sleeping, Agent Cooper?”
“Currently, no,” Cooper said, ”I think.”
“I meant,” Doctor Hayward said, looking slightly more worried, “do you sleep well? At night? Do you fall asleep easily?”
“No,” Cooper said.
“But he sleeps,” Harry said, “at least he snores so I guess that means he’s asleep.”
“I don’t snore,” Cooper said.
“Yeah, you do,” Harry said and then realized that Doctor Hayward was watching him.
“Good,” the doctor said, “snoring is good.”
Later, he walked the doctor to the front door, and when he stepped to the stairs, the doctor closed the door behind them. He glanced over his shoulder. He could see the cold light of the television peeking through the closed curtains in the living room.
“Harry,” Doctor Hayward said, “how loud is that snoring?”
“Not loud,” Harry said. Maybe they should go for a walk later. He wasn’t trying to get Cooper addicted on television, after all. “He’s sleeping in my bed.”
“He’s sleeping in your bed?”
“Yeah,” he said and then realized what he had just said.
“You don’t mind that?” Doctor Hayward asked, frowning. “And he doesn’t mind that?”
“No,” Harry said, “I don’t think so. It’s just… my spare mattress isn’t too good.”
The frown on the doctor’s forehead deepened.
“And he doesn’t like to be alone,” Harry said. “I think he’s afraid of something. Probably he’s afraid that he’ll get, like, drawn back there.”
“I see,” Doctor Hayward said.
“Yeah. I think he likes to keep me around because then he knows he’s actually here and not… dreaming. Or something. But I don’t think he wants to see other people.”
“And why do you think that is?”
“I think he doesn’t want them to see that he’s not… like he used to be.”
“Harry,” Doctor Hayward said and patted his arm, “you’re doing a good thing.”
“I just watch TV with him.”
“That’s good,” Doctor Hayward said and then glanced at the direction of the living room window and the closed curtains, “but maybe take him out of the house once in a while. So that his eyes won’t get too used to the darkness.”
“Of course. I’ll do it.”
“Harry,” the doctor said and shook his head, “I don’t know a thing about what he’s gone through. But I’m pretty sure it’s the kind of a thing that takes a long time before it fades away. Just be patient with him.”
Harry waited until the doctor’s car had disappeared. When he got back to the living room, Cooper hadn’t moved.
**
“I told Doctor Hayward that you’re sleeping in my bed,” he said.
Cooper glanced at him. They were sitting on a porch, which surely counted as out of the house. Cooper had two blankets and Harry had a beer and the moon was almost full and hanging low above the trees.
“Sorry,” he added.
“About what?”
“He asked me if you mind, you know, if you mind sleeping in my bed. I said you don’t.”
“I don’t mind,” Cooper said.
“Good,” Harry said and cleared his throat, “good.”
Cooper nodded. Somewhere in the woods a bird was singing in a ragged voice. When he had been a kid, Harry had known them all by name. But he had forgotten most of it.
“Why don’t you mind?” he asked and saw from the corner of his eye that Cooper turned to look at him.
“I don’t mind what?”
“Sleeping in my bed.”
“Harry,” Cooper said in a steady voice, “do you want me to sleep elsewhere?”
“No,” Harry said, “no, of course not. I didn’t mean that. I only meant… aren’t you worried that people will talk?”
“Talk what, Harry?”
“That,” he said and swallowed, “that you and me… that we are… that we would be, you know, sleeping together.”
“Harry,” Cooper said and tucked the blankets so that they covered him up to the chin, “I don’t care.”
“You don’t care what they think?”
“I was gone for five years,” Cooper said, “and someone with my face was here, doing… Well, you were here. I don’t care if people think that we’re sleeping together.”
“But we’re not.”
“Yes.”
“Coop, I think I need another beer.”
“Fine.”
“Do you want something?”
“No, thank you,” Cooper said. He was looking at something, but Harry couldn’t figure out what it was.
“Do you want to come with me?”
“I think I’m fine here,” Cooper said. “It’s very quiet. More quiet than in the house.”
“Yeah,” Harry said and went to get that beer. The television was still on but without sound, and people on the screen were moving and talking but he could hear nothing. He stared at it for a few seconds and then he walked to the window and peeked through the curtains. Cooper was sitting so still that he looked more like a drawing or a picture than a human being. But thank God Cooper’s chest rose and fell.
When he opened the fridge, Harry realized that his hands were shaking. He grabbed a bottle of beer and then he heard the front door closing.
“Coop?”
“Harry,” Cooper said and stopped in the doorway. He seemed somewhat shaken.
“What is it? Is there something in –“
“No,” Cooper said, “nothing. Nothing at all. But I…”
“It’s fine,” Harry said and walked to Cooper. “Don’t worry. Do you want to stay in?”
“No,” Cooper said, staring at him, “we can go back there. I just… the woods were…”
“It’s fine,” he said again and thought about the times when Cooper had talked and talked and talked and he had wondered what the hell it was about. That felt like it had happened a lifetime ago or in a dream.
They went back to the porch. Harry dragged his chair next to Cooper’s and then made sure that Cooper was properly wrapped in blankets. He felt a bit stupid about that but Cooper looked glad. Then he opened his beer and they watched the moon slowly moving above the trees. Once or twice he tried to say something, but Cooper was very quiet, so he gave up and thought about Doctor Hayward, who now knew that Cooper was sleeping in his bed. After all that had happened it seemed like a very small thing.
**
He knew he was having a dream. He tried to open his eyes, but he still had a gun in his hands and he was pointing at Cooper with it and they were deep in the woods, far deeper than he’d ever followed the other Cooper while awake. Cooper was laughing but it sounded odd as if the sound was slowed down. It sounded like a broken cassette.
“Harry,” someone said but it wasn’t Cooper, because Cooper was still laughing, “Harry, Harry, just wake up –“
He opened his eyes because someone had a hand on the side of his face. The room was dark but he wasn’t in the woods anymore, and Cooper was there, his Cooper. He took a deep breath and Cooper tried to pull his hand away, but he grabbed his wrist.
“Sorry,” he said when Cooper looked surprised, “I’m sorry, I didn’t –“
“You had a dream,” Cooper said. Cooper’s fingertips lay on Harry’s skin, barely touching or so it seemed. “It was a dream. Was it me?”
“Yeah,” he said and let go of Cooper’s wrist, but Cooper kept his hand still.
“The other me?”
“Yeah.”
“What did I do?”
“Nothing. I was going to shoot you.”
“Oh,” Cooper said, drew his hand away and sat on his heels.
“I’m sorry,” Harry said and placed his hand on Cooper’s knee, the only part of Cooper he could reach without getting up. “I’m so sorry, Coop. I don’t know how to stop it.”
“It’s fine,” Cooper said, “I don’t mind,” but he looked like he maybe did.
“Come here,” Harry said.
Cooper stared at him.
“Coop,” he said, “come here. Unless you need to go to the bathroom.”
Cooper lay down beside him. He wondered vaguely what Doctor Hayward would’ve said about this, and then he slowly raised his hand and placed it on Cooper’s neck. Cooper watched him. He pressed his fingertips lightly against Cooper’s skin. The other Cooper would never have let him do this. The other Cooper would never have looked at him, blinking, as he slipped his fingers into Cooper’s hair and draw small circles on his scalp.
“Harry, what’re you doing?”
“I don’t know.”
“Fine,” Cooper said and placed his hand on Harry’s neck.
Oh fucking hell, Harry thought and closed his eyes. Cooper’s fingertips were warm and oddly careful as if there had been absolutely no reason to hurry. It had been so long since anyone had touched him. He breathed slowly in and out and Cooper’s fingers grew bolder. He couldn’t remember what the dream had been about anymore.
“Harry,” Cooper said in a calm, steady voice, “Harry.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” he said but didn’t dare to open his eyes, because then he’d see Cooper stroking his hair and neck.
Cooper kissed him. He kept his eyes closed, and surely it counted as a kiss because their lips were touching and he could feel Cooper’s breaths on his face and Cooper’s fingers tightening slightly in his hair. What the hell, he thought. What the fucking – but Cooper pulled away and kept stroking his hair and the ghost of the kiss still lingered on his mouth and it was hard to think.
“I like you, Harry,” Cooper said. “I like you.”
“Good,” he said.
He didn’t know when Cooper drew his hand away. Perhaps he had fallen asleep. He thought he was awake when it was still dark and Cooper was lying in the bed beside him, his left hand resting on Harry’s stomach. He considered moving but didn’t want to wake Cooper up, and he didn’t mind the hand. Of course he didn’t. The next time he knew what was happening, the sun was shining onto his eyes from the gap in the curtains and Cooper was already standing beside the bed, buttoning up his shirt. There was something tense in Cooper’s shoulders.
“Harry,” Cooper said and glanced at him, “I must apologize –“
“Don’t,” he said, stood up and walked to the kitchen.
It was a cold morning. He wished he had got dressed first but now it was too late, and he couldn’t face Cooper right now.
“I think I like you too,” he said to the coffee maker.
**
He should’ve said something about it. Of course he should have. But when they were eating breakfast, all he could make himself talk about was the weather, and Cooper was polite and calm and didn’t ask why the hell Harry didn’t mention the kiss. The only thing that was a bit off was that Cooper drank more coffee than normally. Harry made more coffee and then went to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth and to stare at his reflection in the mirror in the eyes and tell the coward to talk about the kiss with Cooper. Then he went back to the kitchen, where Cooper was drinking coffee. Cooper glanced at him and he said he was already late from work and then left.
Lucy looked a bit surprised when he walked through the doors.
“Good morning, Lucy,” he said.
“You’re very early, Sheriff Truman,” Lucy said and frowned at him.
He flew to his office. Lucy let him be there for five minutes and then came with donuts and coffee. He took a donut. Lucy stared at him until he sighed and asked her to sit down.
“I just couldn’t help noticing,” Lucy said, “that you came to work today. Early. You came early.”
“Yeah,” he said, “well.”
“But you never come early.”
“Lucy,” he said and cleared his throat, “it’s really nothing you should worry about.”
“I’m not worrying,” Lucy said, looking worried, “I just wondered if perhaps you wanted to talk about it.”
“Lucy –“
“Because no one’s going to call here this early. To be honest, normally I bring a book with me so that I can read it a little before anything starts to happen. I’ve read a lot. Like, last year I read Crime and Punishment. It seemed like a right book to read at the sheriff’s station, don’t you think?”
“Definitely,” he said. “Lucy, can I talk to you about something?”
“I think so,” Lucy said, leaning closer to him with a package of donuts in her lap. “What is it?”
“I kind of… like someone.”
Lucy’s eyes grew wider. “Really?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I like someone. I like this… person.”
“So, who is it?” Lucy asked, lowering her voice which probably only made it more easily heard from the corridor.
“I don’t think I should tell you,” Harry said and took another bite of the donut. He shouldn’t have been talking about this with Lucy, but surely it was less bad than if he’d been talking about it with Hawk. Hawk would’ve said something serious and really thoughtful but oddly mysterious about it and Harry would’ve spend the rest of the day wondering what Hawk had actually meant.
“You shouldn’t?” Lucy asked, looking confused but also pretty excited. “Why not?”
Harry took a deep breath. “Because it’s Cooper.”
“What?” Lucy said and then frowned. “I’m sorry. What, Sheriff Truman?”
“I like Cooper.”
“But Cooper is…” Lucy said. “But you are…”
“Yeah.”
“But Cooper doesn’t smile anymore,” Lucy said. “I heard about it.”
“No, he… okay, he doesn’t smile anymore. But he’s… sometimes he’s amused. I can tell.”
“But is he… is he able to like you back? Even though he can’t smile?”
“He told me he likes me,” Harry said, slightly more defensively than he had meant to. “That’s how I know.”
“He told you.”
“Yeah. I should’ve told him that I like him too.”
“But maybe,” Lucy said very slowly, “maybe he doesn’t like you that way. I don’t want to crush your hopes, Sheriff Truman, but sometimes it happens that a boy seems to like you but really he just wants to be your friend.”
“But he kissed me,” Harry said and bit his lip, but it was obviously a bit too late.
“He kissed you?” Lucy whispered loudly. “Cooper kissed you?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh my,” Lucy said and then slowly smiled. “Well, that’s good. Maybe you can make him smile.”
“But I didn’t tell him that I like him.”
“Okay,” Lucy said, “well, maybe you should go back home and tell him.”
“I can’t just leave. I’m at work.”
“I can call him and tell him. But I really think he would like to hear it from you.”
“Perhaps I could go there at lunch,” Harry said and took another donut. “If I’m not too busy.”
“Sheriff Truman,” Lucy said, “nothing’s happened in two weeks.”
**
He was looking for his hat, when Lucy’s voice came through the speaker, telling him that Agent Cooper had arrived. He decided to worry about the hat later. When he got to the hallway, everyone else was already there, and Cooper was standing in the middle of the room, looking straight at him.
“Harry,” Doctor Hayward said and nodded at him, “I stopped by to see how he was and he asked me for a ride.”
“Good,” he said and smiled at Cooper. Cooper could probably see how nervous he was, but maybe no one else could.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” Lucy said and took a tiny step towards Cooper. “I just talked about you with the sheriff.”
“About me?” Cooper asked, blinking. “What about me?”
“Oh,” Lucy said, blushing, “don’t worry about that.”
“What about me?” Cooper asked, looking straight at Harry.
“Just small talk,” Harry said. “I’m glad you’re here. I was just going to come home for lunch.”
“Well, I’ll be going now,” Doctor Hayward said and patted Cooper on the shoulder. “Take good care of Harry, Dale.”
“I will,” Cooper said and his lips twitched.
“Are you still a FBI agent?” Andy asked, when Doctor Hayward had walked through the front door.
“No.”
“You aren’t really smiling, either.”
“Of course he’s not smiling, sweetie,” Lucy said, “think about what he’s gone through.”
Andy went a bit pale. “Oh. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to –“
“It’s alright,” Cooper said. He sounded confused.
“Coop,” Harry said and cleared his throat, “Cooper, maybe we should go to my office. To… eat lunch. I have donuts.”
Cooper nodded and then followed him. There was a deep silence in the hallway, but the second they were out of sight it broke into a lively conversation about how good Cooper looked but how serious, too, and how he wasn’t smiling. Lucy wondered if he was still worried about Tibet. Hawk said something about the winds. Harry glanced at Cooper, but Cooper didn’t look like he minded.
“They’re just happy to see you,” Harry said, when they were in his office and the door was closed.
“This place still looks the same,” Cooper said. “It’s like I didn’t go away at all.”
“I wish you hadn’t.”
“Harry,” Cooper said and turned to look at him, “about what I said last night –“
“I like you, too.”
Cooper blinked. “What?”
“Just so that you know,” Harry said, “I think I like you too.”
“You like me?”
“Yeah,” he said and nodded towards the chair. “Would you sit down? Please?”
Cooper glanced at the chair and then at him again. “In what way, exactly, do you like me?”
“What? No. Don’t ask me that.”
“Harry,” Cooper said and tilted his head to the side.
“I can’t answer that”, Harry said, walked to his desk, pushed a few papers aside and sat down. Cooper was looking at him as if trying to analyze the situation, and he wished they had done this at home.
“But,” Cooper said slowly, “you’ve never showed any clear signs that you might be attracted to me.”
“Everyone’s attracted to you,” Harry said and then bit his lip when Cooper looked shocked in his calm way. “Coop, what if you went back home? I’ll come in the afternoon and we can talk about this in, you know, private. I’m pretty sure everyone’s trying to listen right now.”
“I can’t go back,” Cooper said, “I don’t have a car.”
Shit. That was true. And the last thing Harry wanted to do right now was to spend fifteen minutes in a car with Cooper with no way to escape the situation. Cooper would surely turn down the radio and just stare at him, and there would be nothing he could do about it.
“Okay,” he said and took a deep sigh. “Listen. I’ll ask someone to get us lunch. You can stay here. I don’t know if I can talk about this but if you’re up to it, there’re are a few old cases that I’d like you take a glance at.”
Cooper blinked.
“Nothing that involves you.”
“Great,” Cooper said. “Harry, I’m not opposed to eating lunch with you. Also, I want you to know that I don’t mind if you aren’t attracted to me, you know, in the way that people are.”
“People,” Harry said and stared at Cooper. Fucking hell, he was never going to get out of this situation. And Cooper hadn’t even sat down yet.
“Yes. And I know that because of my current state, constantly being in my company must be a burden of some kind. I can’t say what I’m going to do in the future, and also I still seem to be slightly confused about the concept of time, but Harry, if you want to move on with your life and –“
“No,” he said and stood up,” no, no. Of course I don’t. Stop talking like that.”
“But –,” Cooper said and then stopped, thank God, probably because Harry grabbed his wrists. He placed their palms together and, because it seemed like the logical next step, he held Cooper’s hands that were surprisingly cold. Cooper frowned. He smiled at Cooper even though his face felt like it had just frozen, and Cooper was standing so close to him that he thought he could smell the product Cooper used in his hair.
“Listen,” he said, “I’m going to kiss you know. Just stay still.”
“Harry,” Cooper said.
“And don’t talk. I’m probably bad at this anyway.”
“Harry, you can’t definitely be bad at –“
He placed his left hand on the side of Cooper’s face and leaned in to kiss the man. Cooper tasted like coffee, and then there was a knock on the door. Harry took a step back and let go of his Cooper’s hand, and Cooper was looking at him with a hint of a smile in his eyes. There was a tight knot in Harry’s stomach but kind of in a good way.
“Yeah?” he asked.
“Sheriff Truman,” Lucy said through the door, “I just want you to know that I’ve now ordered you and Agent Cooper some food from the Double R and also I’ve taken care of that meeting you were supposed to have with the mayor.”
“How?”
“I told him you have someone in your office,” Lucy said, sounding quite happy, “and that the two of you are kissing in there.”
“Oh, shit –“
“I didn’t tell him who it was,” Lucy said, “in case you want to keep that a secret.”
Harry glanced at Cooper. Cooper was looking at him. Cooper didn’t look confused at all or as if he had trouble breathing. Harry took a few sharp breaths and tried to concentrate. “Thank you, Lucy.”
“I just need to tell you,” Lucy said, “that we’re all so happy, Sheriff Truman. We’re so happy that Agent Cooper is back and, you know, in there. With you.”
“Thank you, Lucy,” he said.
“Thank you, Lucy,” Cooper said.
“I’ll just go now,” Lucy said, “in case you’re busy with something. Also, I’ve read this book about Tibet and I was wondering if Agent Cooper had any new recommendations.”
“I’ll think about it, Lucy.”
“Thank you, Agent Cooper,” Lucy said. “I’m glad you’re back. Sheriff Truman was quite awful when you were away. First years, he drank far too much and then when he finally cut it down, he was cranky all the time.”
“Lucy,” Harry said and looked at Cooper, who was almost smiling at him.
“I’m glad, too. And it’s nice to see you, Lucy.”
“Nice to see you, Agent Cooper,” Lucy said through the door. “I’m going to go now. To my desk. Because someone might call.”
“Very well, Lucy,” Cooper said.
“Bring us the food when it comes, Lucy,” Harry said and cleared his throat, “but knock first. Please.”
“Of course,” Lucy said in a happy voice. “See you later, Agent Cooper.”
“See you later, Lucy,” Cooper said, and then finally Lucy’s steps walked down the corridor.
Harry sat down on the desk and opened his mouth, and then he froze and just kept staring at Cooper, who looked like he’d absolutely have smiled if only he had known how to. The room was too quiet but Harry couldn’t reach to the radio from where he was sitting, and he definitely wasn’t going to walk past Cooper now.
“I would like to kiss you again, Harry,” Cooper said.
Harry swallowed. The knot in stomach was tightening again. Perhaps later Lucy wouldn’t remember to knock on the door and then she’d find Cooper and him leaning against the table, kissing, Cooper’s hands in his hair, his hands on Cooper’s back. He blinked and tried not to think about that. Cooper would probably be a thorough kisser, slow but careful and confident, like he was in everything he did. Or like he had been. But he was almost smiling at Harry now, so surely the rest of it would come back as well. It only took some time. And it wasn’t like the last five years hadn’t changed Harry, too.
“Come here,” he said.
Cooper walked to him. He placed his hands on Cooper’s arms and drew him closer until Cooper stood in between his knees.
“Harry,” Cooper said, “I wish I was more like I used to be.”
“Nonsense,” he said and run his fingers on Cooper’s neck. “I’ll bear with you, Coop, if you bear with me.”
“That sounds fair,” Cooper said and leaned in to kiss him.
**
In the evening, they were sitting on the porch, wrapped in the same blanket. Cooper was drinking coffee and Harry had his left arm resting on Cooper’s shoulders even though he felt a bit funny about it, as if he was trying to imply that Cooper was his girlfriend or something. But Cooper looked comfortable and it was a cold night and it felt really nice to have his side pressed against Cooper’s, so Harry didn’t draw his hand away.
“Harry,” Cooper said, “you can refer to me as your boyfriend if you wish.”
Harry froze. Cooper glanced at him and then took another sip of his coffee.
“What?”
“You’re squeezing my shoulder. Don’t stop, it’s nice. I just figured that you were distressed about something.”
“Well,” Harry said, “yeah. Or I wasn’t distressed but I was thinking about… do you mean it?”
“Yes.”
“Coop,” he said and took a deep breath, “I never thought that I’d have a… boyfriend one day.”
“It’s fine,” Cooper said. “Maybe you could call me your… your special agent.”
Harry tried not to laugh, because it seemed fairly possible that Cooper was being serious. When he’d first met Cooper, he’d never been able to tell the difference. He rested his fingers carefully on Cooper’s neck and stroked his hair that resisted every attempt of getting it messier, and Cooper leaned into his touch and glanced at him.
“My special agent?” he asked. This was strange. But Cooper had been strange from the beginning and Harry had liked him anyway, and also perhaps he had gone a bit strange over the years, too. And this was a strange place. They could be two strange men sitting on the porch, wrapped in the same blanket. That sounded pretty nice.
“Yes,” Cooper said and smiled at his cup of coffee.