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Mel: The tent is up, and so are the fairy lights. Today, twelve of your favorite characters will be battling it out on the baking grounds to raise the dough for comic relief. Welcome to 2017’s Great British Bake-Off’s comic relief fundraiser.
Sue: The rules have been relaxed, but Mel and I are still in charge of quality control. In the spirit of holiday togetherness, treats for several wintertime festivals will be featured. Paul and Mary are here as well, dressed in their best Christmas jumpers, Chanukah gelt in their pockets, Yule logs on their fires.
Mel: Who will be tonight’s comic relief star baker?
*Great British Bake-Off music plays*
Sue: Comic relief bakers, welcome to the holiday tent, where your first task is to make a signature twist on sufganiot, the Israeli jelly donut commonly used to celebrate Chanukah.
Mel: We would have had you make latkes, of course, but under no technical circumstance can we describe making latkes as “baking.”
Sue: Donuts, though, totally fall under our purview! So, bakers, on your mark, get set, bake!
*Mel and Sue approach the first baker under the tent*
Sue: Lorelai Gilmore, welcome to our kitchen! What are you planning on doing to your donuts?
Lorelai: Hi Sue! Well, usually I plan to grab a donut out of Luke’s counter display, balance it on top of my travel cup of coffee, and dash off to work! But today, I actually brought a team to help, since I figured the point of this special was the fundraising and the holiday cheer, and I didn’t want to ruin that with my nonexistent baking skills. Meet my daughter Rory, and my business partner, Sookie. Sookie’s the real talent of the outfit.
Rory, giving a small wave: Hi!
*Sookie is oblivious to the visiting presenter, focused on her saucepan as she reduces her homemade jam for injecting into the donuts*
Lorelai: Sookie? Sookie! Sue’s here. Tell her about the donuts.
Sookie: What? Huh? Oh, hi Sue! I’m making a strawberry-rhubarb reduction right now. Both the strawberry and the rhubarb I brought myself, from my husband Jackson’s gardens. He supplies all the produce for the kitchen I run at the inn that Lorelai and I run together. Visit our website at www.dragonflyinn.com!
*Lorelai elbows Sookie in the ribs and whispers*
Lorelai: Sookie, we’re not here for a commercial!
Sookie, not whispering: But you said it would be good exposure for the inn? Why else would we have agree to fly all the way to England, and why else would you force me to cook on a deadline in a kitchen that isn’t my own? This is a very stressful situation, Lorelai! I need to get something out of it!
*Rory looks horrified, and awkwardly tries to change the subject with Sue*
Rory: So, Sue, what’s...your favorite donut flavor?
Sue, taking pity on Rory: What isn’t my favorite donut flavor is a fairer question.
Lorelai, soothing Sookie around the shoulders: Okay, honey. It’s okay, you’re right. I did say this would be a good chance to introduce the Dragonfly to an international audience. I just didn’t think we’d do it that blatantly, that’s all. How about we get back to these donuts, huh?
Mel: Okay! Let’s see what’s going on over at the next station! Coach Eric Taylor, what kind of sufganiot are you making?
Coach Taylor, looking confused but earnest: Um...
Mel, trying to throw Coach a lifeline: It looks like you’ve brought a helper too! Would you like to introduce us?
Coach Taylor, perking up, because this is a thing he can do: I’ve brought my quarterback, Matt Saracen. He’s a consistent team player, and I know I can count on him to get the job done.
Mel: Excellent. So, Matt. What’s the game plan?
Matt Saracen: Oh. Hi, Mel. Um, I know how to fry dough from my time at the Alamo Freeze. So I figure I can put something together that will work for everyone.
Mel: Can you share any details with us?
Coach: One of the keys to winning the long game is flexibility. Matt has all my faith. He’s going to take us all the way to a win.
Matt, looking terrified: Um. I’m just trying not to embarass myself here today.
*Mel pats Matt on the shoulder and moves on*
Sue, approaching her next pair: Doctor! It’s good to see you again.
The Eleventh Doctor: Sue Perkins, as I live and breathe! What’s brought you to Earth this time?
Sue, glaring daggers at the Doctor: We can discuss this later, Doctor. Away from the cameras?
Eleven: Oh. Oh, yes of course. I do apologize, Sue. Very clumsy of me.
Sue: So, Doctor, what kind of sufganiot are you and your lovely assistant making today?
Amy, wearing an adorable red apron, over her shoulder: Not an assistant!
Eleven: Ah, yes. My companion and I are making an attempt to integrate the excellent pairing of fish fingers and custard flavors into this traditional fried...thing.
Amy: It’s repellant.
Eleven: Human palates. So unrefined. It’s a delicacy!
Sue: How’s it working out for you?
Eleven, twisting his mouth into a grimace: I’ll get it. Not to worry! Everything is going to be fine.
Amy, stirring the custard on the stovetop: Fine, but fish-flavored.
*All of a sudden, the Doctor whips his sonic screwdriver out of his jacket pocket, and aims it at his dough. Sonic whirring noises fills the tent*
Eleven: That should do it.
*Mel approaches another trio working on their sufganiot*
Toby Ziegler, in mid-rant: ...and I’m telling you, there is only one correct way to make sufganiot, and it’s two fried disks with the jelly sandwiched between, not this pastry-bag nonsense.
CJ Cregg: Toby, I completely understand and respect your desire for an authentic Berliner-style sufganiot, but this is a contest, and it only stands to reason...
Toby: Stands to what? To what? Are you implying I’m not being reasonable Claudia Jane?
Josh Lyman, under his breath: Holy shit, he’s already resorting to CJ’s full name...
CJ: Jesus Christ, Toby. *Off Toby’s glare* Oh, whatever. If you want to make the sufganiot your sainted mother’s traditional way, have at it. I’ll be observing over here, with a glass of egg nog, preferably 100% rum.
*CJ stalks off*
Mel: I...uh...
Josh: Toby, I’ve got your back about the Berliner style, but I’m going to need to be in charge of the frying. I have a routine for frying sufganiot on the highest heat setting. It never fails.
Toby, rolling his eyes heavenward: Do you ever tire of being so wrong?
*Mel slowly backs away*
Sue: One contestant left, a profoundly brilliant scientist who is sure to have an original take on this traditional Israeli Chanukah treat, Walter Bishop!
*Walter Bishop waltzes across the camera’s gaze, robe open to reveal graying underpants, eating from a stack of blueberry pancakes, humming a vaguely recognizable but unspecific tune.*
*Mel hastens after him, attempting to close the robe*
Sue: Let’s cut to an informative pre-produced piece on the history of sufganiot while we sort Walter out! And don’t forget to go to www.comicrelief.com and donate!