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It's weird. Liking someone whom you know you don't stand a chance with, yet you keep hoping for it.
When you're close enough to wrap your hands around him, it's hard to resist the urges to squeeze tight.
It's hard to resist to not try to kiss him, peck him on the cheek, or just cuddle uo with him.
Why is it that I like those whom I know wont give me a chance? Why is it, those I find perfect for me,
are usually un-attainable. Be it by distance, preference, or availability.
When sitting close to him, I have to fight hard not to lean in.
When we're close enough to smell his cologne I battle to urge to kiss him.
When I'm in bed at night, I fight the urge to think about him. To think about us.
When he pops into my thoughts, I cant help but smile. When he sits across from me, I try not to stare,
but I always catch myself taking a peek, sneaking a glance, or find myself staring.
I try not to. But its hard not to. I'm always mesmerized. Always star-struck. Always wanting. Always daydreaming.
I want more. So much more. But I'm afraid.
Afraid to be too close. Afraid I'll do something stupid. Afraid he'll push me away if I get too close.
I've never been all that touch-y-feel-y. But when he's near, my hands yearn to reach out, to touch him.
Even if just for a split second.
It's awkward too. When surrounded by people, I'm more confident. But once we're alone, I'm not sure what to do.
What to say. What to think. It gets quiet. What could we talk about?
We share a few things, luckily. We both love to play games, we both watch Anime. But not much what we both have watched.
I really like him.
I wish I knew what he thought of me.
I wish he would think of me like I think of him.
I wish he was into me as I am into him.
I wish he would hold me close in his arms.
I wish he would come by just to be with me. To spend some time with me.
I wish my dreams and daydreams would come true. That he would pull me close to him.
Why wont he hold me in his arms?
Why wont he pull me into his lap, or reach for my hand when we sit close?
Why cant I just walk up to him and kiss him?
Why cant I find the courage to tell him?
I'm scared of what he'd say. I'm scared he would reject me. I'm scared he wont ever talk to me again.
I don't want to ruin things. I don't want things to get awkward. But yet I want the wondering, suffering, the hopeful-
thinking to end. Why is it so hard? Why can't I just up and say it?
Because I'm a coward. Because I know his reaction.
I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to lose another friend.
I'm also afraid to open up. Afraid I'd let something slip, or he'd take something the wrong way, and end up distancing
himself from me. I don't want that. I want him close to me. I want to open up. But I don't know how.
Last time hurt really bad. I guess that's what's holding me back.
It's probably because we are not that close, that if he does end up rejecting me, it won't hurt as much as the last time
I fell for someone. I had fallen for my best friend. Now, it's another friend, however, not as close as the previous one.
So maybe that's my heart trying to soften the blow? Does it know it wont work that way?
I just want someone to want me. Sure there have been a few that have. but they were not my type. Were too overbearing.
Didn't try to understand me. Just wanted things from me. Some still do. I want someone patient. Someone who considers
my feelings. Who will understand me.
I hope he does. I hope he knows me well.
I wonder what he thinks of me. Wonder if he likes me, even if just a little. even if just as a friend.
I want to spent more time with him. But I'm afraid to. Whenever he's close, sometimes I nearly lose myself to the urges.
However there are always others around, so I manage to hold myself back. But what if I cant when we're alone?
I want to know how it feels to be in another's arms. In his arms.
Sometimes I wonder... is it too much to ask? Too much for just one moment? Even if just for a little while...
I hope I will get to tell him someday.
I hope for him to return what I feel for him.
I hope I can finally be in his arms.
I hope I can be happy with him.
I hope I can BE with him.
But untill then I'll keep fighting the urges. Keep trying not to screw up.
Someday.... I'll tell him.