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The civil war had cost Ravka greatly and there was much work to be done the first few months after the destruction of the Shadow Fold. Trade lines had to be re-established, towns had to be reconstructed, and relief teams had to be sent to help with the damage at Os Kervo; not to mention the mountain of work that would soon be necessary to rebuild the Second Army if Ravka were to have any chance against insurgents and Fjerda looking to exploit its political instability.
This was more than enough reason for why he hasn't seen much of Alina, Nikolai reasoned. After all, he was just as busy as she was. They had been working non stop from the minute their hasty little wedding ceremony ended (the Kerch wouldn't have taken too kindly for loaned money to be wasted on a party, would they?). Grisha or not, Alina was still leader of the Second Army and any moment away from the Triumvirate was a moment wasted. He understood, he really did - Nikolai himself couldn't catch a minute to himself between council meetings and paperwork.
However, he got the distinct feeling that even in the rare moments they were both free, Alina was hesitant to be around him. Again, this was only natural - losing Mal was bound to be devastating for her and she probably wanted space to sort out her feelings. And it was useless to deny that the shadow of the Darkling hung over both of them. He still spent sleepless nights haunted by his memories of merzost, and whatever complicated relationship Alina had had with the Darkling, her killing him had clearly affected her.
He understood all these things, but he still wished that Alina had talked to him about them instead of burying herself in her responsibilities. As suave and carefree as he liked to appear, he had insecurities too. If nothing else, they had been good friends during the war, hadn't they? Did she not trust him now?
He was probably overthinking this anyway. The most important things right now were Ravka and his people. He would worry about this later.
'I am taking you there right now, you fool. Anyone who thinks pickled herring is acceptable for the palace kitchens to make has obviously never eaten the damned thing!' Alina huffed as she dragged the king of Ravka down a flight of stairs like a sack of grain.
'You certainly have strong opinions about food for someone who nearly ate week old soup, fly and all' said Nikolai when he finally got to catch his breath.
'That was ONE TIME! And it didn't have flies in it and you know that because it'd been left for you when you skipped dinner for paperwork again. Genya was ready to cut us that day.'
Nikolai laughed. 'Alright, it's been established that we're both terrible slobs at taking care of ourselves. Now where is this infamous herring?'
They might have been overworking themselves these few months, but Alina didn't look too bad. In fact, he quite enjoyed seeing her so animated. They'd managed some polite conversation this week which, knowing Nikolai, didn't stay polite for too long. It was mainly just banter about trivial things, but it was a start.
He was relieved, to be honest. He'd grown up seeing how his parents had treated each other and he knew that royal marriages were lucky if they had some semblance of cordiality. Nikolai had long since given up hopes of romance in his life, so it was a pleasant surprise that he could be friendly with Alina again. It was enough.
As Ravka settled into their reign, Nikolai and Alina had began spending more time together - public appearances, strategy meetings, diplomatic missions. Some nobles at court frowned at the tsar and tsarina doing things best left to lowly bureaucrats, but they believed a hands-on way of governing was what the country needed after centuries of negligence from the Lantsovs.
Something was different these days though. Nikolai noticed it every time Alina poked his cheek or nudged him with her shoulder. Obviously, friends as good as they'd become would be casually physical with each other, but it still made him feel curiously warm. Maybe it was because no one had ever befriended him so matter-of-factly. However hard he’d tried to be approachable as a prince, his friends in the infantry had still hesitated with him. Even his crew were comfortable with him only because they knew him as Sturmhond, not Nikolai.
Of course, there could be another reason that he liked Alina's familiarity so much, but he wasn't going to think about that. She'd started letting her hand linger on his arm even after the necessary royal posing was over, and it felt nice. Why complicate a simple feeling like that?
'Moi tsar! We've been looking for you! What have -’
The guard shut up abruptly at Nikolai’s glare. 'Don’t wake her up! Tell whoever's searching that I'll be with them shortly’ he said.
'No need, I see how absolutely busy you are, moi tsar’ a voice sounded from behind the guard.
Genya gave what could only be called an evil grin. Nikolai was in a room off the royal library with papers strewn all around, sitting still with the utmost care so he wouldn't wake Alina from his shoulder. 'How long have you been here like this?’
'Five minutes! We were looking through crime records, and it isn’t exactly the most riveting work’ he said.
'Queen Alina’s been asleep for half an hour’ Tamar called from her post at the door.
'Oh shut up, both of you’ Nikolai scowled at the two laughing Grisha. The guard smiled nervously and inched away.
'What has become of the dashing ladies man? Our charming pirate king? No sassy comments now?’
Nikolai rolled his eyes. 'It’s privateer and you can all get lost now.’ Genya really was ridiculous sometimes.
'We’ll be leaving for Kerch in a week. My dazzling personality ought to cheer up those refugee Grisha quite a bit, don't you think?’
Nikolai was in his private chambers, getting ready for yet another meeting on jurda parem. Alina was sprawled in a chair, reading out from a report on a frankly incredible heist pulled off in the Fjerdan Ice Court.
'Of course, they can't know that their beloved king has come in person. It would do Ravka no good if the world hears that their king went mucking about in Ketterdam’s canals. Really, that place is a swamp, you should see it when -’
'I stopped listening at 'dazzling personality’’ Alina stretched and leapt out of the chair. To his surprise, she swat his hands away from his cravat and started tying it herself. He was speechless for a moment, his hands hovering awkwardly at his sides when she finally looked up at him.
'Be safe. I know you'll have Genya and Zoya and Tamar and everyone else, but I want you to promise me that you'll return safe. Sturmhond might be a big fan of taking wild risks, but King Nikolai has a responsibility to his people. Besides, I need you here, Mr. Too-Clever Fox’ she said.
'I….wait, Mr. What?’ Nikolai spluttered.
'Just say it!’
'Alright, I promise.’
He couldn't look away from her serious eyes. Time seemed to have frozen into just that one moment with Alina's hands on his chest and his heart beating wildly under them.
'We’re starting in ten minutes, you two!’ Zoya’s voice drawled from the corridor. As they all made their way to the council chambers, she whispered 'You actually let her tie your cravat crooked?’
'Hmm?’ Nikolai responded absently. Zoya snorted. He was practically glowing. 'Sobachka indeed’
The moonlight glinted off the gilded railings of the balcony. Nikolai leaned against a pillar, flexing his fingers. They were still deeply scarred. In another world, he would've mourned how gruesome they looked, but he had far worse things to worry about than his vanity. The merzost had left some permanent residue inside him. He could feel it stirring sometimes, whispering cruel things in his head. The scariest thing was that now he didn't know if these thoughts were from the merzost or if they were his own. Either way, it was equally disturbing. Who was he anymore?
'I still miss my powers, you know. I wake up earlier now so that I catch every drop of sunlight in a day. It helps, but it's not the same. It'll never be.’
Alina walked up to him, twining her fingers through his. 'It feels like I'm incredibly ungrateful when I miss it. We saved thousands of lives - that's an excellent trade off for my powers. But I still regret it sometimes, and that's okay. The same way it's okay for you to miss who you were before the….before what he did to you.’
Nikolai sighed. 'I used to feel invulnerable - I didn't realise how much I relied on that. Sometimes I want to go back to how I was so badly. All I do now is feel anxious and second guess myself. Is it me or the merzost making a decision? Is there even a difference anymore?’
Alina traced the dark lines on his hands. He caught his breath as she pressed her lips to his knuckles. 'We are not our powers. I am still the Sun Summoner without them, and you are still you with the merzost. We have to believe this.’
The moonlight made her hair glow. Nikolai felt his mouth go dry as he tucked it behind her ear. ‘Thank you’
As they went back inside, he quietly wondered when he had fallen in love with his wife.
'Let me through.’
The throng of courtiers and Grisha immediately fell silent and parted for their tsarina. Nikolai barely had the time to look up when a hand slapped him square in the face.
'How dare you do something this stupid! Who told you to go into the woods alone?’
He tried to explain, but her face left him bewildered. Alina was crying.
It wasn't even a big deal, really. He had gone to check on some frontier towns in the north and had happened to be out of hearing distance of his guards when he’d been ambushed by a few Fjerdan soldiers. They didn't know who he was, or he'd have gotten worse than a wounded shoulder in the fight.
'Alina-’
It didn't matter what he said next, since she conveniently cut him off with a furious kiss.
The others looked away awkwardly at first, but they had to intervene when Nikolai strained his shoulder further by trying to lift her off her feet. Good thing too, because as Zoya later said, it was all 'sufficiently sappy enough without Nikolai’s theatrics thrown in’. There would be all the time in the world for that.