Work Text:
-- compeerGospel [CG] began trolling thermionicAggressor [TA] at 9:45am --
CG: PSI
CG: PSI
CG: PSI
TA: Y35
CG: YOU MUST WATCH THE VIDEO I RECEIVED VIA ELECTRONIC MAIL THIS MORNING.
CG: PSI IT IS ONE OF THE MOST ROMANTIC GESTURES THAT I HAVE WITNESSED SINCE OUR ARRIVAL TO THIS INFERNAL MUDBALL.
CG: I HAVE FORWARED THE MAIL.
CG: DID YOU RECEIVE IT?
TA: …
CG: I SEE THAT YOU TOO ARE OVER COME WITH EMOTIONS. THE MESSAGE IS BEAUTIFUL, RESPLENDENT. IT WARMS MY PUMP BISCUIT TO THE CENTER OF ITS CHAMBERS WITH ITS DECLARATION OF ETERNAL RED FEELINGS.
CG: THE SENDER WAS ANONYMOUS.
CG: I THINK THAT I MIGHT HAVE WHAT THE HUMANS WOULD CALL A SECRET ADMIRER.
TA: 5L, Y0U’V3 B33N R1CK3D R0LL3D.
CG: RICKED ROLLED. GIVEN YOUR RESPONSE I’M UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT IT IS NOT A HUMAN FLIRTATION TECHNIQUE.
TA: N0, 17’5 N07.
TA: 70D4Y 15 4PR1L 157 4ND 17 15 HUM4N 7R4D1710N 70 “PR4NK” 07H3R HUM4N5 0N 7H15 D4Y.
CG: IT WAS A PRANK? A JOKE?
CG: OF COURSE IT WAS A PRANK. WHY WOULD I HAVE A SECRET ADMIRER?
TA: 5L, 1 W45 48L3 70 7R4C3 7H3 3M41L 8ACK 70 7H3 53ND3R. 4ND Y0U’LL N3V3R GU3SS WH0 53N7 17.
CG: TELL ME THE NAME OF THE ONE WHO WILL TASTE THE FULL INTENSITY OF MY RIGHTOUS AND WELL DESERVED GRUBFUCKING FURY.
TA: 8R0 57R1D3R.
CG: WE SHALL MAKE HIM SUFFER.
CG: INFORM THE CLOWN.
Five days after the incident Bro Strider turns on his computer and gets on the internet to waste time under the guise of checking up on his slew of websites. A video pops up despite his impressive array of pop up blocker coded by the one and only. His security software doesn’t state that it’s malicious so he lets it play for shits and giggles. The recording looks like a home video. He gets a great view of someone’s floor before the camera is tilted up. It takes him a moment to recognize the person the camera focuses on.
“Kankri, one of my teachers assigned a project were I have to conduct multiple interviews based on a personal interest. Would you mind participating?”
“Of course, I would be honored to assist you with your project.”
“Wonderful. Let me put these headphones on first so I can monitor the sound quality and then I’ll ask you the first question.” The camera dips down for a moment. There’s a faint rustling in the background and then the focus returns to Kankri. “Kankri, what do you think about social justice?”
Bro closes the window. Another two pop up and start playing. He closes those two, another four take its place. He quickly finds himself embroiled in a fight against a social justice hydra. A fight that he’s losing, badly. Bro tries to close his browser. It’s not responding no matter what tricks of the trade he tries. Neither does the volume control nor mute button much to his chagrin. He resorts to unplugging his computer and that is when the true horror starts.
“Kankri, what do you think about social justice?”
He follows the noise pollution to its source, a small recorder in his fridge. As soon as he turns it off he hears it again coming from another corner of the apartment.
“Kankri, what do you think about social justice?”
Bro finds twelve in total scattered around his apartment. The problem is he can’t locate the other five. And the best part, the best part is that they are out of synch. One Kankri is blathering on about heterophobia, another cisgender as a slur, the third otherkin mythical creature edition, the fourth using all requested trendy pronouns no matter how inconvenient or illogical they are in spoken conversation, and the fifth one has cycled back to privilege and its many forms. Bro is halfway through removing the hinges on the front door so he can escape the apartment, all the windows are nailed shut, when he realizes that Kankri never once mentions feminism except when quickly followed by ‘men have problems too’. He finally gets the hinges off, removes the door, and sees Kankri in the flesh with a hand balled up to knock on the now missing door.
“Hello Mr. Strider, if I may refer to you as such. My alternate iteration has informed me that you were interested in meeting with me today at this time to discuss our shared interest in the social justice movement and the possibility of co-founding a men’s rights organization.”
Bro feels no shame as he flees through a freshly broken window and climbs the fire escape to freedom. He finds Makara, Captor, and Vantas reclining on beach chairs sipping margaritas on the roof.
“We’re no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I. A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of. You wouldn’t get this from any other guy. I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling.” Vantas sets his drink down on the roof along with the others. All three put on a pair of bulky noise cancelling headphones. Vantas picks up a boom box. “You can’t escape the miles,” he says. His grin is pure malicious glee as he pushes play.
“Kankri, what do you think about social justice?”