Chapter Text
Day 7: The Lake
Tapping impatient fingers on the counter top, Jack waited for the kettle to finish boiling. The coffee maker wasn’t ready yet, either, but he could wait for coffee. Sam needed something this morning, something that said, Hey kiddo, I love you but not such a big deal that it said, Wow, what a fucking shitty night you just had. So tea in bed seemed like a reasonable compromise.
Finally, the kettle was nearing its apex and he looked around for something to add to the tray. Chocolate? No, not before breakfast. A banana? Definitely not, that was weird. How are you feeling? Here’s a banana. Way too weird. And suggestive. Eww, now he had that image in his head. Too early in the day for that.
With a mutter Jack realised that toast would probably do it and that he should have started it already. He tossed four slices in and then impatiently waited for them to cook. Hot water into her mug, his coffee finally ready and into another. Toast toast toast. He was anxious to be there when she woke.
Like a goalie, he was ready for the toaster when it popped, snatching out the toast and slathering on butter. Balancing everything he took a deep breath and carried the tray down the hallway and peeked through the bedroom doorway. She was asleep still and he let out a sigh of relief. Carrying the tray over to the bedside table, he looked her over. Thankfully, she had been sleeping peacefully the past few hours, but he suspected that Sam would still be feeling rough when she woke. Last time, when it had been in her house, she had been off kilter all day, boundaries and emotions flimsy and fitful.
Jack settled on the edge of the mattress, purposefully rocking the bed rather than touching her. There was a bruise on his cheek, and probably a few on his ribs, from trying to wrestle her out of last night’s nightmare. They were an unnecessary reminder of Sam’s close combat abilities.
“Sam,” he called quietly to her. “Sam.”
No response.
“Carter!” Quiet, but urgent, a more familiar alarm to them both.
Even though her eyes were still closed, he could read the change in her body, a tenseness in her shoulders, a careful pattern to her breathing.
“It’s okay. We’re at my cabin,” Jack supplied.
A few breaths later and she must have agreed with his assessment. Sam’s eyes opened and Jack gave her a smile.
“Hey kiddo.”
“Breakfast in bed?” Sam wondered.
“I thought you might miss being a kept woman.”
Pushing herself up to sitting, Sam adjusted her tank top and pushed the pillow to support her back against the bed head. Rubbing at her hair, she created a mussy blonde halo for herself. Jack admired her sleepy, sexy look as he placed the tray in the centre of the bed and settled himself at her feet.
Sam was still trying to figure out what he was about. “Thanks,” she told Jack, fishing her teabag out of the mug and watching the hot drips run off it before placing it down on the tray. Jack watched her sip and tilt her head back as the hot liquid ran down her throat.
“Better?”
“Yes,” she agreed.
“Honey?” He wondered, belatedly.
Shaking her head before she sipped again, Sam replied, “No. Too sweet. This is perfect.”
“Alright,” he answered, voice soft, eyes on her, feeling awkward despite his attempts not to be.
Guessing his next question was going to be about how she felt, Sam forestalled with a question of her own. “What do you want to do, today?”
Taken by surprise, Jack ran through the possible options. “Feel like a walk? We could pack lunch and I can show you the lake.”
Picking up a piece of toast, Sam considered the suggestion. “And a swim?” She took a bite from the soft, buttery centre.
“I know the perfect spot,” Jack told her, pleased that she liked his suggestion. He took his own piece of toast. “Do you want something else for breakfast?”
Washing down her toast with another mouthful of tea, she put the dry crust back on the plate. “Eggs?” She wondered, tentative.
“You got it. Why don’t you shower while I cook?” Jack gave her an easy smile, worry still showing in his eyes.
Sam nodded and returned his smile, “Thanks.”
By mid-morning the day was warming up nicely and both Sam and Jack stripped off their over shirts, tying them around their waists. Jack guided their route to the lake, sometimes taking Sam’s hand, sometimes letting their shoulders bump as they walked side by side. Unsure how to recover the easiness of yesterday, Jack began pointing out features of the local wildlife, naming the flowers and trees and pointing to signs of local animals. Sam appreciated his attempts to find a way for them to share in the day without undue pressure on her.
The lake was cool and inviting, so when Jack dropped the back pack by the sandy shore, Sam began stripping down to her underwear and t-shirt. Jack watched her, both bemused and admiring.
“What?” She asked, grinning a little, aware of his gaze.
“What does a fine woman such as you want with an old fella like me?” Jack wondered.
“You mean aside from the hot sex?” Sam teased.
“Aside from that,” he replied.
“Well, you do have a cabin right by a rather magnificent lake.” Sam looked around, “Do I even need to be wearing anything?”
Jack kicked off his shoes and removed his socks. “Summer’s started, there might be some kids around.” He pulled off his shirt and walked over to Sam, slipping his hands around her waist and put his mouth to her ear. “We could skinny dip in the pond, if you want.”
A pleasant shiver ran down Sam’s spine. “On the to-do list, then,” Sam noted. “Race ya!” Sam called as she ran for the water and Jack laughed, following her.
When he caught up, Jack scooped Sam up and dumped her into the water. Returning the favour, Sam popped him behind the knee and they horsed around for a while until he pulled her to sit between his legs in the shallows. They sat together and watched the ripples of their play disappear, replaced by the softer rivulets of the light breeze.
Sam rested her hands on his bent knees as Jack nuzzled her hair, hands around her waist, under her shirt, hidden by the water. Despite his prediction of summer time company, they were still alone.
“I needed that,” Sam told him.
“I would think we’re getting enough exercise from other pursuits,” Jack observed, kissing her ear, casually.
“While that it is a most pleasant recreational activity, I miss being outside.”
“It is possible to combine the two,” Jack teased, his fingers creeping lower, over the waistband of her underwear, lightly caressing her mound.
Sam shook her head. “I knew you would say that, Jack O’Neill.” She swatted at his forearms. “I’m sure you could make a suggestion for a secluded location.”
“You demand a lot of your tour guide,” he noted, kissing her neck less than casually.
“If you don’t want to ...” Sam trailed off.
“I’ll probably be too tired,” Jack teased her in return, “From all the touring.”
“Darn,” she said. “I guess. I’ll have to guide myself while you rest.”
Jack pressed his lips to her neck and mmdd into her skin, in the way he had discovered aroused her. “If you have no other choice ...” he whispered suggestively.
“Really?” Sam asked, rhetorically. “Noted for the future, Sir.”
Jack lightly pinched her thigh in admonishment.
Chuckling, Sam retorted, “Don’t pretend it doesn’t turn you on.”
Shrugging, Jack tightened his arms around her, pulling Sam closer to his chest. “When you say it, it would turn anyone on.”
“That’s going to make my next conversation with a superior uncomfortable,” she laughed.
Smiling, Jack commented, “But I know you’ll think of me when you say it.”
Sam sighed in mock exasperation, “Well, I will, now!”
Jack chuckled, lapsing into silence as they relaxed in the water. After a short while, he began digging around in the sand, pulling up rocks. Once he found a suitable one, he skipped it over the surface of the water.
Watching his attempts, Sam began digging for her own rock. So far, Jack had managed three skips. Sam was pleased when she managed five on the first try.
“You really are just amazing at everything,” Jack observed, digging for more rocks.
“Most things,” Sam replied, handing him a rock she thought suitable while digging for another. He skipped it successfully, and she dug around in the sand some more, distracted by her thoughts.
Feeling a shift in her mood, Jack stilled himself, leaning back on his hands, watching her bent head and shoulders. He tried to think of what to say and finally settled on, “Do you want to talk about last night?”
“No,” she replied. “But maybe I should, anyway.”
Jack held his position, letting her think, her face turned away from him. Sam turned over her memories of the nightmare, trying to find a thread that she could tug, to begin unravelling the story for Jack.
Attempting to break the ice for her, Jack said, “You were calling out for Janet.”
Sam”s head jerked up, her spine stiffened. “I did?”
Jack nodded, although she couldn’t see. “You did. Was it - the nightmare - about losing her?”
Holding herself stiffly, Sam chewed on her bottom lip. Jack wondered that she may have forgotten to answer, when she finally said, “Yes. It was the worst day of my life. I thought I’d lost both of you.”
Jack observed the tilt of Sam’s head, the way she pointed her chin upwards, and thought that she was trying not to cry. He wanted to touch her, but was afraid to jolt her train of thought. Instead, he kept his knees close to her thighs, cradling her.
“I felt so guilty, afterwards. I was so relieved that you were ok. And it felt like I had chosen you over her. That she died because of that.”
Jack knew she was crying now. He pulled himself up to sitting, resting his forearms on his knees, not touching her anywhere new, but surrounding her nonetheless.
“I know, logically, that she just died because it happened. I wasn’t even there when she was shot ...” Sam trails off, swallowing hard. “But I wasn’t even there when she was shot.”
“You were where you were told to be,” Jack said gently.
Sam nodded. “I know. There’s more to it, though.” She looked down to the surface of the water, making ripples with a fingertip.
“To what?” Jack asked.
“To that day, to losing her. We had a ... fight. A few days earlier. I didn’t get to ...” her sentence ending with a gasp and her shoulders shook.
Touching her shoulder, Jack softly told her, “She loved you, Sam. She wouldn’t want you to feel bad about that.”
“I know, Jack,” Sam said, harsher than she intended. She put her hand on his knee and squeezed, hoping he would understand. “It’s ... complicated,” she finally said.
“Explain it to me,” Jack offered.
“I can’t,” Sam shook her head. “Not everything.”
Jack slid his arm from her shoulder to her upper arm, stroking soothingly. “You don’t have to, but I’m here if you want to.”
Sam nodded and put her hand over his, resting her cheek on his fingers.
He gave her time to regroup, and then suggested, “There might be parts you can tell me.”
Agreeing with him, she took a deep breath. “You know some of it, for sure. You know because you’ve seen her will.”
“Cassie,” Jack observed. They had both been named as Cassie’s guardians, in the event of Janet’s death. They also jointly managed Cassie’s trust fund, and Sam had been the executor of Janet’s will.
“Cassie,” Sam agreed. “It wasn’t just because we were the ones that found her and brought her here, to Earth. Janet and I also had an agreement.”
Jack thought back to the night Sam had asked him about having kids, the night she had told him Janet was helping her plan her future before she died. He got an inkling of what Sam might be saying. “If you were to have kids, Janet would have done the same, for you?”
The tightness in her voice told Jack how hard it was for her to keep on talking. “Yes. And a bit more, than that. I knew, having kids as a single mum, that my work would be hard for a kid. So we were planning,” Sam took a deep breath. “We were planning to co-parent.”
“Raise Cassie and your kids, together?” Jack asked. Words, phrases, looks exchanged between Janet and Sam suddenly coming to mind as she spoke. Nothing blatant, but things that could have a different meaning, if you knew.
Nodding, Sam replied. “Yes. We were spending a lot of time together, anyhow. I’ve always felt a special bond with Cass. You know,” she told Jack.
“I know,” he confirmed. “It makes sense, actually,” Jack told her. “And maybe a bit simpler, for you, given what was going on, or not going on, between us.”
Sam snorted, “Oh yeah.” They fell into silence again.
Jack ran the conversation from their first night sleeping together back through his mind. What had happened after dinner in the diner eclipsed that conversation, but now he was recalling some of the things Sam had said and reexamining them in the light of what she had just told him.
“But then, Pete?” Jack wondered aloud, trying to figure out why that would have upset Janet. “Your plans changed?”
“They did, at least, I asked her to wait, while I gave things with Pete time to work out.” Sam fell silent again. “I should never have ...”
Jack waited for her to go on, fingers stroking her upper arm.
“We fought,” Sam finally said.
“You and Pete?” Jack asked, confused.
“Janet and I. About Pete. And, and about you.” She ducked her head, like she always did, when she was admitting a mistake and she didn’t want to see the disappointment in his eyes. “And then, two days later, she was killed.”
Jack shifted closer, his stomach pressing into her lower back, his fingers still gentle on her biceps. “She would forgive you, Sam. You have to believe that.”
Sam nodded and softly, painfully, whispered. “I know.”
Not sure what to say next, Jack dug around for something to say. “What were you arguing about? About Pete and me?” He cringed a little, would she think him vain to ask?
Sam snorted and shook her head. “She was so, fucking, goddamned right.”
“About?” Jack prompted.
“Pete. And you. She said I was settling, that I should go on waiting. That she and I could do the kid thing together, until ...” Sam sucked down air, trying to loosen the knot in her throat. “Until you and I could.”
Jack slid his hand up to her shoulder and squeezed. “It must have been hard to wait, without knowing when we could have a life together.” Jack tried to grant her his understanding, even though it hurt to know she had suffered pain because of the distance their roles dictated.
“Or if,” Sam noted. “Remember that we hadn’t had our talk, then. I ...” She sighed. “I’m sorry, Jack. But I didn’t know, for sure, that there was anything to wait for. And there was a time there, where I thought that I was simply denying myself the chance to be happy because I wouldn’t let go.”
Jack nodded, squeezing her shoulder. “I know. I wish I had done more, sooner. I thought that you would realise that you could do a whole lot better and would move on. I mean, it hurt a lot, but I just wanted you to be happy.”
“That’s why it was so stupid.”
“What was stupid?”
“Settling for Pete. I was happy, Jack. I had SG-1, and we did have something. It was enough, for the time being. And I had plans, with Janet, that wouldn’t hold me back from the personal things that I also wanted.” Sam gave a short, ironic laugh. “She even said I should ask you to donate a sample, if I was worried that you wouldn’t accept any children as your own, later.”
“Jesus,” Jack shook his head. “Did you two always have my life planned for me?”
For the first time since they started discussing Janet, Sam turned to look at Jack. “She had faith in you, in us. That it would work out in the end. She was right, yes?” Sam looked at him, fear in her eyes.
Taking a deep breath, Jack nodded. “I just hadn’t realised that you, and Janet, had so much ... planned.”
“That wasn’t the half of it, Jack.” Sam had turned back to looking out over the lake. “Just think, for a moment. Both of us Majors, both top of our respective departments, within the Airforce. You don’t think we got there without meticulous planning and deeply considered decisions, do you?” Her tone told him that she already knew he understood, or understood enough. “I was one of the first female combat pilots, I was chief scientist for Project Giza at 26. That didn’t happen by accident.”
“No,” Jack agreed, sliding his hand down and settling it against her stomach again.
“I didn’t have a man, a husband, to share that decision making process with. My father ... wasn’t someone I could turn to before Selmak and after, he wasn’t here most of the time. And he didn’t really understand what it was like for the women of our generation. Janet did. She was my ...” Sam trailed off.
Jack cocked his head, “She was what?”
Sam shook her head, setting her jaw stiffly. Jack could feel the tension increase in her body.
“Sam?” He pressed quietly.
She shook her head again. “I can’t, Jack, we could both be court-martialled. And I would be discharged.”
Jack jerked his head in surprise. Star officer, rule abiding, pristine record Samantha Carter could be court-martialled. Casting his mind back over her career, he could think of no reason for such a concern. And no reason for such a concern to involve him. Sure, the opposite was true, for more than one incident, but not with Colonel Samantha Carter as the instigator.
Then it came to him. There was one possible thing, something that might pertain to her and Janet, or might even just be perceived to pertain to them.
“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” he said, out loud.
Sam shuddered and Jack felt her hot tears fall on his arm. He leaned into her, wrapping both arms around her tightly, pressing his chest against her back, his cheek against her hair, offering her all the comfort he had to give. The tears ran unabated for a while and then Sam began shaking.
“C’mon,” Jack said, getting to his feet. “Let’s get dry.” He offered Sam his hand and she took it, pulling herself up. Jack kept a hold of her as they waded towards the beach. He spread out both of their over shirts on the sand and sat down on one, Sam taking the other. Digging in his back pack for an orange, Jack peeled it and offered her segments, letting her eat most of it before saying anything again.
“I knew,” Jack started, “I knew you were bi, Sam. You told me that you had dated women, when we had our talk.” He wished for a better euphemism. “Why would you think I would report you, or Janet, especially now?”
“Fear.” Sam kept her gaze out on the surface of the lake. “You might be jealous, or disgusted. It’s not rational. I don’t think those things of you. Not really.”
She finally turned to look at him. “But as bad as it would have been for you and I to have an affair, it would have just been humiliating. It was unlikely to get us discharged. End the advancement of our careers, lead to reassignment, sure. But COs have been having affairs with subordinates for as long as the Airforce has existed. But to be gay, or lesbian or bi - that is far, far worse. And two women, the two most senior ranking women in the SGC - it would be bad for us, but also for the program, for every single woman involved in the program and even those elsewhere. The women Janet and I worked with at Peterson, the Academy ...”
Jack swallowed and nodded. The way the Airforce treated women shamed him. The way it treated LGBTI people made him want to scream and yell and curse. “I’ve protected people in my command before, Sam ...” he reminded her.
“But I didn’t want to put you in that position for me, for Janet. There’s been enough looking the other way when it comes to you and I.”
Sighing, he saw her point. Didn’t agree that it should be that way, but accepted that it had been. Taking another orange, he quietly said, “Tell me about the two of you, Sam. Tell me about her.”
Sam looked at him, trying to work out what he wanted to hear. Was it voyuerism or was it something else he wanted to know? She assessed the look on his face, his eyes soft, looking directly into her own. No, it wasn’t sordid. He just wanted to know more of her, more of Janet.
As she talked, hesitant at first, Jack got the rest of their lunch out and kept handing her things to eat, or drink, as she told him about Janet, about her. It was the first time she had told anyone. She intended for Cassie to know, at some point, but she’d never told their story from start to finish, before.