Work Text:
Hello, Dean.
At this moment, I am sitting on the beach in Waimea Bay Beach Park, North Shore, O’ahu, Hawaii. I remember you saying something about wanting to visit a beach. You, Sam, Jack, and I. I think that perhaps Charlie and Rowena would appreciate this, as well. I’m sorry I left so suddenly. I just needed some time to myself for a while. I thought someplace a bit more remote might help to quiet my mind. It is deserted here, except for myself. However, I find myself slightly discomfited, as I’ve become so used to being around others lately. I thought maybe Waikiki Beach, but there is too much light pollution there. You would love this beach in Waimea. The waves crashing against the shore are so relaxing to hear. It’s nighttime here, and the stargazing view here is spectacular. Although, when we’re at the right spot around Lebanon, and indeed, less populated areas of Kansas, the view is almost as spectacular. The relative quiet, the sky view, this time alone with myself helps me put things into perspective.
I know you were angry and disappointed that I left, and I am sorry that I upset you. I want you to know that it was not my intention, and I told you that I would be gone for a few days. However, I am regretting my decision to come here by myself. More specifically, without you. It’s become more and more difficult for me to suppress my feelings regarding you. This is one of those moments where I am genuinely afraid for myself. If I tell you, what would happen? Would you hate me? Would you want nothing more to do with me? Or would you laugh it off? Would you pat me on the shoulder, call me ‘family,’ and consider the matter settled?
I am hoping that you will at least respect how I feel, and that you would not terminate our friendship, our brotherhood, over this. I daren’t hope that you’d return the feelings. But I have felt the need these past few years, particularly in the last few months, to tell you how I feel. I feel eternal gratefulness for your acceptance, care, forgiveness, and kindness you’ve shown me, ever since we met, and cannot possibly hope to repay you. Because of this, I have also grown to love you, and not because my Father commanded that we love humankind. I know I’ve told you before that I love you, but I meant it then as romantic in nature, just as I mean it as such now. I’ve seen couples on this beach today, and I wish you were here with me like that. I want to spend these quiet, awesome moments with you. I want you to know how important you are just being yourself, Dean. You deserve that, and so much more. I don’t know that I am worthy of the task of loving and caring for you, but I would be so humbled and so honored to do so.
I found an empty Jack Daniels bottle on the beach. I’ve heard that castaways would write messages, roll them up, and put them into empty bottles, tossing them into the ocean in the hopes that someone would find their message, and them. I’ve felt very much like a castaway for such a long time, but with you, and indeed, Sam and Jack, I feel that I’ve finally found my place. So, I am going to roll this letter up and put it into this bottle. I hate littering, so I’ll just bring this back to you when I return, which should be in a couple of days. Also, it’s terribly illogical to assume this would find its way to you in the ocean.
I’m not sure how to end this, so I’ll end with:
I love you eternally.
Love, Cas