Chapter Text
Ike had a few theories about his boss.
- 1: Craig Tucker was actually an alien who snatched a poor suspecting body and became the manager of their paper company.
- 2: Craig Tucker is a robot that the company created so they could secretly spy on their employees.
- 3: Craig Tucker is the human equivalent of an ass.
Ike was leaning towards theory two, looking at the main office’s window. Tucker sat in there, back rigid against the chair, fingers clacking away in a way that just couldn’t be natural. His office was pristine in the way that he held no personal trinkets in it. The only thing the boss had of personal value on his desk was the black thermos he carried every day.
Ike looked back down to his own computer, frowning. It was a job his brother Kyle urged him to take. Ike had just finished college, but couldn’t find work anywhere. Kyle had explained his friend needed a new salesperson.
And that’s where the whole theory fell apart. Tucker couldn’t be a robot, because robots probably didn’t have friends. And he couldn’t be a bodysnatcher, cause he’d be too busy feasting on brains to make friends, or at least that’s what Ike thinks bodysnatchers do in their free time.
So, Craig Tucker was just a grade A asshole, it seemed.
Ike read through the list of potential clients in the email Tucker had sent him 20 minutes ago. He probably expected it to be divvied up between all the salespeople.
Ike grumbled to himself. This meant speaking to his coworkers.
-
Ike noticed the ring when Tucker had flipped him off the first time. Aside from being the most unprofessional thing Ike has ever seen him do, it brewed a whole new mystery in Ike’s big brain.
Just who would marry this man? He was grumpy and rude and didn’t give a shit about a person’s feelings. Ike was there during the yearly employee reviews. Two of his coworkers had fled his office, crying.
But, the silver band continued to glint. Ike couldn’t even think of what a masochist the person would be to marry Tucker. What if it was an arranged marriage? Do they still do those? Are they even happy?
-
Ike had been working for over two months when the irregularity showed up. The irregularity being a twitchy, spastic blonde. His hair was pulled back in the front by a clip, and he carried two cups of coffee and a bag from Harbucks Coffee. It was obvious that the man worked there, the red, coffee stained apron flapping around him as he fidgeted by reception.
Ike watched him, interest piqued. He has never seen the blonde before and he looked vaguely mad with all the twitching and mutterings to himself.
And then the blonde swiveled his eyes toward Ike, bright green eyes wide in surprise.
“What are you staring at? Ack!” The man all but shouted across the small office.
Ike looked down quickly, busying himself with his computer before calling one of his clients. He was not about to irritate the obviously unhinged person in the office. The receptionist probably already called up the security anyways.
Except, it was Tucker who entered the office, looking frazzled, which was odd. Ike watched as his manager walked towards the blonde.
“Tweek, wha-,”
“Office, please!” The green-eyed boy, Tweek, interrupted abruptly, foot tapping on the floor impatiently.
Tucker nodded quickly, ushering in the man to his office. The door shut, and with a shock of surprise, Ike saw Tucker twist the blinds, and they came down, blinding Ike from the room inside.
Ike processed the information slowly. A random man had showed up in the office. No one except for Ike had even batted an eye at the stranger. He had interrupted Tucker, and Tucker did not scream at him at all. He didn’t even glare at Tweek.
Ike swiveled his head down, frowning. Just who was that man?
-
Two weeks later, another incident occurred. Tucker usually promptly arrives at 9:30 AM every day, 30 minutes after everyone else.
Today, he arrived at 9:45 AM. Ike also noticed the tin foil hat he had upon his head. It looked like it was made haphazardly.
“Uhhh, boss?” One of his coworkers chimed. It was a pudgy older man with the penchant of starting drama and making fun of his coworkers. Ike saw his flushed red face, and knew he was holding back from spewing laughter.
“What, Cartman?” Tucker spit out, glaring.
“You’ve got something on top of your head there,” Cartman explained.
“Yes, and?”
“Nothing, nothing,” Cartman muttered, eyes wide and unassuming.
With one last glare, Tucker turned and shut the door to his office.
Cartman began to wheeze immediately, spluttering as if he just heard the biggest joke ever.
The rest of the office collectively ignored him, Ike included. The Canadian turned and glimpsed at Tucker’s office. The man inside was looking down at his hands, fiddling with the tin foil hat, and for a moment, Ike thought the man was smiling. But then he placed the hat back on his head and began his work.
How odd.
-
The man came back three weeks later, and this time Tucker was already in his office, so the Blonde quickly entered the room, shutting the door. This time, the blinds stayed open.
“What a bunch of fags,” Cartman muttered as he moved past Ike’s desk. Ike tensed. This wasn’t the first time Cartman said shit about their boss. It was a wonder how he was still here. The only thing keeping him from getting fired was his stellar salesman record. He was the best, Ike knew that, but still, he was a major asshole.
It was weird. Kyle knew Cartman from college. He was his shitty roommate for a year before he moved in with Craig. Kyle had ranted to Ike almost every week over how Cartman was a lazy fat ass with a terrible personality. How he got this job, Ike really doesn’t know nor does he care. All he knew was that Cartman could be an awful person when he wanted to be. And that was often.
“I bet they’re talking about their fucking perfect ass lives together,” Cartman rolled his eyes. Ike turned to him, surprised. It seemed like Cartman wanted to speak to him.
“Do you know that dude?” Ike asked, half curious. Cartman seemed giddy at the question.
“Yeah, I know him. He’s a complete fucking spaz. I don’t know how Craig sees anything in that twitchy fucker. He must give good head or something,” Cartman explained. Ike realized just exactly why Cartman was happy at that moment. An opportunity to talk shit most likely.
But also, this was kind of the information Ike wanted to know.
“They’re married?”
“Yeah, got hitched right after college. A stupid ass mistake, if you ask me. Who the fuck gets married that early? They’re fucking idiots,” Cartman gossiped.
Ike looked back to Tucker’s office. They were both talking. Tweek had his hands wrapped around his coffee, and looked the calmest Ike had ever seen him. Tucker was busy eating a muffin.
“Did you know them in college?” Ike felt guilty, but he wanted to know more. His boss was an enigma and his husband was so strange.
“Yeah, wish I fucking didn’t. They were awful, all lovey dovey and shit. It gave me cavities. Tweek was even more of spaz back then, always screaming about aliens and gnomes and shit. It was fucking weird. I don’t know how Craig handled it,” Cartman informed him. Ike watched them as he continued to speak.
“The spaz was probably the one to make Tucker wear that gay ass tinfoil hat the other week. Probably thought the aliens were back for our memories or some shit.” And with that, Cartman left.
Ike was perplexed. It didn’t seem like Tweek was some masochist. And it didn’t seem like Tucker was that much of an asshole. Ike’s whole views of his boss were changing, and they continued to shift as Tucker and his husband both stood up before exiting the office, all the while holding hands. It was freaking weird, to see Tucker that human.
Ike didn’t think he could feel this invested in his boss’ life, but at least one puzzle was solved.
Tucker may be a weirdo bodysnatcher/robot/human asshole, but he’s also in love, which is something Ike never thought the man could feel.