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Sebastian is startled awake, aware of the car door being opened, the chilled air creeping in and curling around him. He blinks in the brightness of the interior light, recognising the figure of Heikki leant over him.
"Are we there?" he asks, his voice croaky with sleep.
Heikki smiles at him. "I thought you might want to see the sunrise."
*
He knew that Heikki was going to be there and yet he never bothered planning what he was going to say. They stand there, in a corner of the paddock, and all Sebastian can think is that Heikki looks different without his Red Bull kit on. It's such a stupid thought, like he never saw him wearing anything else, like he wasn't there at Sebastian's house every day wearing his own clothes, as though he was a part of Sebastian's life and not just his job.
"Then I've got to be in Salzburg on Monday," Heikki says, hands shoved into his pockets, and only then does Sebastian become an active participant in this awkward conversation.
"Salzburg?" he asks. "I've got some sponsor stuff. And a meeting with Dietrich."
Heikki smiles a half-smile that's genuine but restrained. "Maybe I'll see you there."
"I was thinking of driving," Sebastian says, a little too loud, sensing that Heikki is about to walk away. "I'm so sick of planes. I'd need a co-driver though, so..."
"Yeah," Heikki agrees vaguely. "I have a flight on Monday morning."
"Right," Sebastian says, nodding.
Heikki looks away, over the paddock, clearly seeking an exit. Sebastian doesn't want to watch him walk away again.
"I better go," he says. "Britta will be looking for me."
Heikki smiles properly then, a fondness in the expression, and Sebastian can't quite tell if it's for Britta or the life he left behind. "Say hi from me."
Sebastian nods and smiles and turns away, his hands curling into fists as he's suddenly flooded with all the things he should have said.
*
Sebastian doesn't have any feelings about Antti, not good or bad or indifferent. That's what he thinks about as he sits in his prep room at the back of the garage, staring at Antti. He's known Antti for years as part of the Red Bull family, has always gotten along with him because Sebastian has an affinity with Finns that's not the obsession people claim it is. He likes that they're straightforward, unpretentious, laid back. Nothing ever ruffles a Finn.
But Sebastian doesn't cling to Antti, doesn't seek him out in a crowded room, doesn't request that he never leave his side. Sebastian leaves the circuit on his own more often than not, sat in the back of a car with tinted windows, too much time to think. This is just a job to both of them and it makes him wonder again just what it was with Heikki then.
"Something wrong?" Antti asks.
Sebastian blinks, realising he's still staring. "No."
If Antti doesn't laugh at his jokes, doesn't want to go get dinner together in the evening, doesn't agree to stay late at Sebastian's house to watch reruns of British comedies with him, it doesn't hurt Sebastian's feelings. It doesn't ruin his whole weekend.
Antti frowns at him and Sebastian gets to his feet, grabbing his water bottle, giving himself a distraction. Antti looks away and Heikki wouldn't have done that. Heikki would have made Sebastian talk. He squeezes his eyes shut, knowing this is a distraction he definitely doesn't need this weekend.
Britta comes into the room, starts talking about schedules and interviews and Sebastian nods and tries to look like he's interested but he knows she can see it in his eyes. She counts items off on her fingers and then she drops her hands and smiles at him.
"And Heikki told me to tell you that he'll be your co-pilot," she says. "Whatever that means. I probably don't want to know."
Sebastian's stomach flips over, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "He said that?"
"He did," Britta says, looking suspicious. "Is this something I need to worry about?"
Sebastian rolls his eyes. "No." He licks his lips, a plan forming in his head. "I need to take the hire car to Salzburg."
Britta narrows her eyes. "I'm sure that can be arranged." She moves towards the door, keeping her wary eyes trained on him. "You better not turn up late."
Sebastian grins at her. "I'll be there. You can always count on me."
*
"Are you sure you don't want me to drive?" Heikki asks, climbing into the passenger seat.
Sebastian shakes his head, concentrating on putting the address into the satnav. "I wouldn't be able to switch off now anyway. You can take over when I get tired. Try and get some sleep first."
"Okay," Heikki agrees, but there's something reluctant in the word. There's something reluctant in his whole being.
Sebastian reaches into the back, grabbing his iPod from the pocket of his rucksack and handing it to Heikki. "You can choose the music."
"Doesn't the driver get to pick the tunes?" Heikki asks, scrolling through Sebastian's music library.
Sebastian shrugs. "I trust you."
"With your body, maybe," Heikki says offhandedly. "A roadtrip playlist is a whole different level of responsibility."
Sebastian looks up to see Heikki grinning at him, amusement clear in his eyes, but he can't smile back. The words are on the tip of his tongue but he's scared he'll choke on them and scared that he won't because if he says them out loud he can't ever take them back. The smile fades from Heikki's face and Sebastian feels an emptiness in his stomach. He turns back to the steering wheel, turning his keys in the ignition, and just like that they're on their way.
*
"How's the new job?" Sebastian asks.
They're out of the tight streets that are a feature of Monaco, up in the winding roads that navigate the hilltops above little French villages. He knows that he should let Heikki get some sleep if he wants him to take over driving duties when he gets tired, but Heikki is still playing with Sebastian's iPod, even though he's already picked out something gentle and atmospheric that makes the hair on the back of Sebastian's neck rise up.
"It's good," Heikki says, looking up at him. "Different. I like it though, working with lots of different people, lots of clients. It's less, uh..." He trails off, looking for the right word, and Sebastian practically rolls his eyes.
"You can say you like it better," he says. "I'm a big boy, I'm not going to get upset."
"Then why are you pouting?" Heikki teases, amusement clear in his voice. Sebastian keeps his eyes determinately on the road, and not just because of the twists and turns. Heikki sighs. "I didn't say I liked it better. I said it was different. It's less intense, I think that's what I mean. Formula 1 is just, it's another world, it's like being in this bubble. And, yeah, it was amazing to be a part of that, and sometimes I think about going back, but it's nice to breathe too."
Sebastian nods. "Yeah."
"How's everything with you?" Heikki asks.
Sebastian snorts a bitter laugh. "Haven't you been watching?"
"I've watched," Heikki agrees.
"Then you know exactly how everything is with me," Sebastian says, his hands tightening on the steering wheel.
"So what do you want?" Heikki asks, his voice a little harsher than Sebastian was expecting. "It's not a fairytale, Sebastian. It's never been a fairytale."
Sebastian frowns, glancing at him sideways. "What?"
"Are you waiting for your knight in shining armour? Someone to come along and fix it all for you?" Heikki asks. Sebastian looks at him again, wondering where the hostility is coming from. "You never needed anyone, Seb. You worked hard to get where you are. You did it by yourself."
The words are heartening but at the same time Sebastian wonders whether Heikki's trying to let himself off the hook for leaving. If he had stuck around Sebastian's car wouldn't be any better though, his luck wouldn't have improved at all. Sebastian thinks his self-esteem probably wouldn't have taken such a battering though.
"Listen to Antti," Heikki says. "He's good."
"I know he's good," Sebastian responds. "I hired him."
Heikki gives a small laugh, putting Sebastian's iPod down and stretching his arms out in front of him. He yawns. "Don't be a damsel."
"I'm not a fucking damsel," Sebastian mutters, glancing sideways to see Heikki smiling as he closes his eyes.
*
By the time they cross the border into Italy, Heikki is fast asleep. It's a good thing, Sebastian tells himself, they need to sleep in shifts if they're going to keep driving through the night, but their conversation feels unfinished, left in a way that Sebastian doesn't really know what to do with. Does Heikki think that Sebastian has stopped trying? That he's given up because there's no one there to carry him?
It's already late but Sebastian doesn't look at the clock. If he does he'll start thinking about how he should probably be in bed and not driving across a continent in his desperation to get a little time alone with someone who's not even in his life anymore. They parted on good terms, they didn't fall out or outgrow each other, and Heikki would have been stupid not to take the new position offered to him. Sometimes Sebastian wonders if Helmut only created that job to get Heikki away from him though. He feels like everything's been stripped away from him lately, and he doesn't want special treatment, doesn't want to be the favourite, but the adjustment this year has been harder than he expected.
Damsel, he thinks. What does that even mean? That he's stuck up in a tower waiting for someone to come and rescue him? That he's scrubbing floors while everyone else goes to the ball? He shakes his head at the image. It he was Rapunzel he would have cut his hair off and used it as a rope to free himself. You can't ever rely on anyone but yourself. He has to admit that no one lights this fire, this determination, up in him like Heikki does though.
The drive through Italy is flat an unremarkable, the highway travelling through hills rather than bothering itself with going over them. Maybe if it was light and he could see the countryside it wouldn't be so bad, but all he has for company are the blinding lights of trucks going the other way, making him squint.
He's always been addicted to momentum though, the feeling of going somewhere. He remembers being little, his dad behind the wheel of the family campervan, Sebastian sat up front with him. He looked forward to the races that were further away, that required hours of highways and winding roads. He knew that his father loved it too, the freedom that came from being in transit, nothing to worry about until you hit your destination.
Sebastian doesn't want to think about his destination now, what will happen when they arrive at Salzburg. They'll say awkward goodbyes and then they'll go off to their separate commitments, their separate lives. Sebastian tries to work out what bothers him most about that.
*
He makes it as far as Lake Garda before he has to give in to the throbbing tiredness behind his eyes. A glance at the clock tells him it's half past two in the morning. He pulls off the highway, navigating the smaller roads around the lake until he finds a good place to pull over, rubbing at his eyes before turning to Heikki. He's fast asleep still, head lolling against the seat, mouth slightly open, face relaxed. They're mostly in shadows but he still looks beautiful. Sebastian blinks the thought away. He's tired, exhausted. He nudges Heikki's shoulder, watching him stir. He smiles sleepily at Sebastian.
"Hi."
"Sorry," Sebastian says. "I can't drive anymore."
"That's alright," Heikki responds, straightening himself up in his seat.
Sebastian glances at the little glowing screen on the dashboard. "The satnav says we'll get there about six which is too early. Maybe we should both just sleep for a while. I shouldn't have woken you."
"I can drive," Heikki tells him, stretching in his seat. "It's fine."
They get out of the car and swap seats, the night air cold, making Sebastian wrap his arms around himself. He jumps back in, sitting in the passenger seat and groaning gratefully as the doors close, the internal light fading off.
"You okay?" Heikki asks.
"My head hurts," Sebastian responds. "I'm just tired. Don't worry about it."
Heikki reaches across the car, brushing Sebastian's hair back and then gently massaging his scalp with his fingertips. Sebastian sighs, closing his eyes, letting his head move with Heikki's touches. Heikki rubs at his temples, light, ticklish touches that ease the pressure, that makes every hair on his body stand on end. He combs his fingers through Sebastian's hair and a small noise escapes his throat, the sensation so intimate and pleasant it makes a little shiver run through him. Heikki's hand dips lower, fingers curling around the base of his skull, the nape of his neck, and Sebastian lets his head fall forward, his chin bumping into his chest. Heikki squeezes his neck, rubbing over the tight muscles.
"You're tense," he says.
"Mmm," Sebastian agrees.
"A lot of headaches can be caused by tension in the neck and back," Heikki tells him.
"I know," Sebastian mutters. "I used to have a really good physio."
"Yeah?" Heikki asks. "How is Tommi?"
Sebastian laughs. "Shut up." He leans forwards, crossing his arms on the dashboard in front of him and resting his forehead against them, giving Heikki access to his neck and shoulders. "I'm just tired," he mumbles.
"Okay," Heikki agrees, his words practically a whisper, before he shifts in his seat, leaning over to place both his hands on Sebastian's shoulders, massaging them firmly in just the way Sebastian needs.
He melts under Heikki's touch, everything feeling so familiar, an invitation to let his guard down. He can feel himself drifting, right on the edge of sleep, the gentle music becoming a part of his dream before Heikki stops, his fingers catching slightly on the material of Sebastian's T-shirt as he pulls them away.
"Cars are not great places for massage sessions," Heikki says.
Sebastian smiles, sitting back in his seat, not bothering to open his eyes. "You didn't bring your table with you?"
"Must have forgotten it," Heikki responds.
Sebastian hums in response, shifting in his seat. "Pass me my hoodie?"
"You cold?" Heikki asks as he retrieves it from the backseat, passing it over. "I can turn the heater up."
Sebastian shakes his head, pulling the Red Bull hoodie on, the one that he deliberately got a size too big. "You know I like to be wrapped up when I go to sleep."
He pulls on his seatbelt and then snuggles down in the hoodie. He has the sensation of being watched but his eyelids are too heavy for him to open them and check. He waits for something, for Heikki to speak, for the car to move, but he's asleep before he's aware of anything else.
*
"I thought you might want to see the sunrise."
Sebastian looks out of the windscreen and under the gradually lightening sky he sees a lake. It makes him feel disorientated because they were at a lake when he fell asleep. Have they not moved? He looks up at Heikki.
"Where are we?"
"Germany," Heikki responds, straightening up and stretching his back. "Chiemsee. About forty minutes from Salzburg."
"Oh," Sebastian says, rubbing at his eyes to try and wake himself up.
"Come on," Heikki calls, already on his way towards the lake.
Sebastian gets to his feet, finding that navigating the uneven ground is difficult when he's still unsteady from sleep. He finally makes his way to Heikki, pulling his hoodie down over his hands and hunching his shoulders up to try and keep warm. As he stares across the water he sees a pinkness start to bleed into the horizon, making everything look unreal. It feels like being in another world, so far removed from everything, and maybe it's that or the sleepiness that has his inhibitions dangerously low, making the words slip out of him.
"I miss you."
Heikki is silent for a moment, not moving. "I think those are probably the scariest words you can say," he finally states in a tone of voice that suggests he's talking to himself. "Scarier than I love you. I think they leave you more vulnerable because there's an uncertainty there. I love you has ground work. I miss you just has distance."
Sebastian frowns, eyes still fixed on the horizon. "What kind of a response is that?"
Heikki snorts a laugh, shifting on his feet. "I miss you can mean a lot of different things. I miss working with you, I miss hanging out with you, I miss... you." He sighs. "I'm trying to work out if I mean it in the same way you mean it."
Sebastian turns to face him, studying his expression, but he gives nothing away. He never does. Pulling a hand out from his hoodie he reaches over, brushing his fingers against Heikki's. Heikki smiles and takes hold of his hand, squeezing it in his own, before he looks down at it.
"Your hand is freezing."
"Yeah," Sebastian agrees, hunching his shoulders up again to try and keep the cold out.
Heikki lets go of his hand and moves over to stand behind him, wrapping his arms around Sebastian. Leaning back heavily into Heikki's warm body, Sebastian sighs, closing his eyes for a moment, savouring the feeling of security being held by Heikki gives him. He's missing the sunrise though, the pink gradually turning to orange then red, like a pot of water spilled over paints. He opens his eyes, the view washing over him, warming him like Heikki's body.
"Better?" Heikki asks.
"Mmm," Sebastian responds. He lifts a hand, taking hold of Heikki's again, contemplating it. "Your hands are so big."
"They're not," Heikki dismisses, amusement in his voice. "You're just a tiny little China doll, that's all."
Sebastian tries to elbow him but he can't in the position Heikki has him held in. Heikki dips his head, brushing a kiss against Sebastian's temple, and Sebastian stills, leaning back against him again. They stand there together, watching as the sun climbs higher, the warm colours drifting away as the world becomes brighter and the blue of the sky wins out.
"I miss you too," Heikki whispers.
"How do you miss me?" Sebastian asks, his own voice hushed in response, like they might shatter the fragile daylight around them if they speak too loud.
Heikki spins Sebastian around in his arms so that they're chest to chest, placing a hand on either side of his face before leaning in to kiss him. His lips are soft, questioning, so Sebastian answers by opening his mouth, sucking gently on Heikki's lower lip, fisting his hands in Heikki's T-shirt when Heikki reciprocates. Heikki flicks out his tongue, hooking it under Sebastian's upper lip, making Sebastian's breath catch. They pull apart, looking at each other in the light of this brand new day. Sebastian smiles.
"That's exactly the same way I miss you."
Heikki grins, stroking a hand over Sebastian's hair before letting it fall to his shoulder. "I'm glad we're on the same page."
The next kiss is less patient and much more clumsy as Sebastian pushes at Heikki, trying to get them back to the car without letting his mouth fall away from Heikki's. It's not easy with the bumpy terrain, Sebastian having to open one eye to stop himself from pitching them both over. When they get near to the car Heikki spins them, pinning Sebastian against it with his body and deepening the kiss, making Sebastian moan. He grabs at Heikki's T-shirt, the back of his neck, tugging him closer and tilting his head to find a better angle. Heikki grinds against him, making Sebastian go embarrassingly weak at the knees, and then he reaches behind himself, scrabbling for the door handle.
Between them they manage to get the door open, stumbling into the backseat, Sebastian shoving his rucksack and the various items of clothing out of the way so he can lie back. His legs are sticking out the open door as Heikki covers his body with his own, looking at him for a moment before he's leaning in for another kiss. Sebastian wraps his arms around him, arching his body upwards, not wanting to leave any space between them. Their mouths are open to one another, tongues sliding sensually together, making Sebastian a little lightheaded.
Heikki's hand slides under Sebastian's hoodie, finding his skin, fingertips tickling over his side and making him keen, breaking the kiss for a moment. He breathes heavily, looking up at Heikki as his hand slides higher, catching on a nipple. Sebastian cranes his neck to press their mouths together again, his hands curling into fists around the fabric as he moans, squirming under Heikki's hand that strokes up and down his body. He frees one of his own hands, pushing it under Heikki's T-shirt and up his back, Heikki suddenly jerking back from him.
"Your hands are fucking freezing," he complains, reaching behind himself to grab Sebastian's wrist.
Sebastian grins at him. "You better warm them up then."
He gets his hand on Heikki's side again before Heikki grabs hold of him, wrestling him away. Sebastian laughs, using his other hand instead, making Heikki flinch before he grabs for that one as well, Sebastian sliding it further under his T-shirt and making him arch his back in a way that definitely gives Sebastian more than a few dirty thoughts before Heikki finally manages to get hold of his wrist, pinning both of his hands either side of his head.
"No fair," Sebastian complains, pouting at him.
Heikki smiles, leaning in and kissing his neck. "We should go."
"No," Sebastian protests. "They'll warm up in a bit."
"We're in a car," Heikki points out. "Half in a car. People can see."
"What people?" Sebastian asks. "There's no people here."
"There might be soon," Heikki says. "This is not smart."
He places a kiss against Sebastian's lips, firm and heartfelt, before his fingers slide from Sebastian's wrists and he straightens himself up, climbing out of the car. Sebastian sighs, taking a moment before he forces himself to do the same, knowing that Heikki's right. Heikki was always infuriatingly right.
He sits back in the passenger seat, putting his seatbelt on and snuggling into his hoodie again, though he doesn't feel nearly as cold now. Heikki looks at him and then reaches into the back, grabbing his own hoodie.
"Here," he says, throwing it at Sebastian. "Warm yourself up."
Sebastian accepts it gladly, snuggling up to it and breathing it in, Heikki's scent filling him with a familiar want that no longer feels quite as pathetic as it did. This is reciprocated and it won't go unanswered for long. He closes his eyes with a happy little hum as Heikki starts up the car.
*
He's woken much more gently this time, Heikki's hand on his shoulder as he gently says his name. Sebastian blinks, making a sleepy noise as he shifts in his seat, trying to get his bearings.
"We're nearly there," Heikki tells him.
Sebastian looks out of the window, recognising the familiar streets of Salzburg. The light they're waiting at turns green and they set off again, Sebastian knowing this route well. He forces himself to sit up, realising he's still hugging Heikki's hoodie. He pushes it down to his lap, feeling silly all of a sudden. By the time they arrive at the hotel, Sebastian feels just about awake.
Stepping out of the car Sebastian looks up at the building in front of them, overtaken by a strange feeling. He ignores Heikki getting both of their bags out of the car and coming around to stand beside him.
"Everything alright?"
Sebastian smiles. "It looks like a castle," he says.
"Perfect place for a damsel then," Heikki responds, heading towards the door. Sebastian moves to catch up with him, giving Heikki a shove before reaching to take his bags off him.
They check in separately but head upstairs together and it's an unspoken agreement that Heikki will be coming to Sebastian's room. It's right at the top of the old building and the view is amazing. Sebastian drops his bags to the floor and stares out of the window, leaving Heikki to close the door behind them.
"Well," Heikki says. "You're in your tower. Now what?"
Sebastian turns to face him, smirking. "It's not a fairytale, Heikki," he says, mimicking Heikki's tone from earlier as he advances on him. "It's never been a fairytale."
Heikki sweeps Sebastian up in his arms. "You don't need me to find your other glass slipper then? Climb your beautiful blond locks?"
"I think it's too short," Sebastian says a with a shrug, running his hand over his hair. "And glass slippers are very impractical."
Heikki nods. "So what now?"
Sebastian takes a breath, trying not to let the enormity of the question swallow him up. There's a lot to think about as they work out where they go from here, how they convert I miss you into being a part of each other's lives, but they're on the same page now so Sebastian feels like they can turn it together.
"We go to sleep?" he suggests. "We close these big curtains and try not to think about the fact that we have to get up in a couple of hours?"
Heikki smiles. "That sounds like a very good plan."
They get ready for bed, blocking out the sunlight they'd only just watched appear. Sebastian climbs under the covers of the big bed, hugging the duvet close to himself while Heikki sets an alarm on his phone.
"What time do you have to be in?"
"Ten," Sebastian responds, melting into the bed.
Heikki sighs, picking up Sebastian's phone from the side of the bed, setting his alarm for him. "I have to be there an hour earlier than you." He replaces Sebastian's phone. "Don't snooze it more than twice or you'll be late."
Sebastian smiles, closing his eyes with a happy sigh. Heikki climbs into the bed beside him, spooning up against Sebastian's back as he curls an arm around him. Sebastian shuffles closer, bending his legs, his feet brushing against Heikki's shins. He flinches back.
"Your feet are freezing," he complains.
Sebastian smiles, pushing them more deliberately against Heikki's legs. "Warm them up then."
"Put some socks on," Heikki tells him. "Are you always this cold? You wouldn't last two minutes in Finland."
Sebastian laughs, straightening his legs out so his feet are out of the way, wrapping the blanket around them. "I would," he insists.
"We'll see," Heikki responds.
Sebastian snuggles in closer, a contented smile coming over his face at the thought. Going to stay with Heikki in Finland, slotting into his life. He feels an excited anticipation at the thought. This is what couples do.
"Don't wake me up when you get up," Sebastian tells him, his voice already succumbing to his accent as he drifts closer to sleep, making the words sound indistinct.
"Not even with a kiss?" Heikki teases, brushing his lips just below Sebastian's earlobe. "Sleeping Beauty."
"Not a fairytale," Sebastian mutters. "Not a damsel."
"No," Heikki agrees. "You're a warrior."
Sebastian hums his agreement, falling into a sleep where he dreams of victory once more.