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Thunder roared as the rain battered against the window. Kakashi just stared as the rain poured down outside, the lightning that flashed offering the only source of light in the darkened living room. But he didn’t see it at all, didn’t see the rain or the living room he had sat in a thousand times before in the past. All he could focus on was the numbness that had settled into his body.
Which he thought was odd. Because one would think that no one could feel actual numbness. But after so many months of being the sensei for Team 7... the former Team 7... something had bubbled at the surface of his emotions that he hadn’t felt before. And now that his former team had fallen apart, that feeling had gone back below again and left a void.
But that wasn’t necessarily the truth. He had once felt the emotion before, long ago before he became Team 7’s sensei. He had just let it be to not look at it further. But it left the similar emotion in its wake, and only left him with one pondering question: Why?
And he was tired of not knowing anymore.
He stiffened when he heard the click of the door lock. It was quickly followed by the door opening with a familiar voice cursing and Kakashi relaxed. Still, he did not move.
He blinked when the lights were suddenly turned on.
“Ah! Kakashi!”
The silver haired jonin turned his head to see Iruka at the entrance of the living room, clutching his chunin vest right over his heart. The man was soaked from head to toe, carrying a small bag of groceries in his left hand.
Kakashi eyed him cooly with his one eye. “You’ve let your guard down,” he admonished in a flat tone. He couldn’t even try to muster up any sort of sound of cheerfulness. “If I had been an assassin you would be dead.”
Iruka’s face grew hard, teeth bared in sneer. “Well good thing I’m just a lowly chunin who doesn’t know anything and I don’t have to worry about it!” he snapped.
Kakashi showed nothing, but behind his mask he pressed his lips tightly together.
Iruka stood up straight and closed his eyes. His face relaxed when he took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes again, they were cool.
Kakashi’s heart squeezed, missing their usual warmth.
“What are you doing here Kakashi?” the chunin asked calmly.
Instead of answering, the jonin just continued to stare at the other man. His mind felt heavy and unsure where to even start. He wanted to come to the point, but now- sitting there and finally facing the man after two years- he found he couldn’t voice a single thing.
The silence extended before finally Iruka just sighed, slow and agitated. “Fine,” he resigned. He moved towards the kitchen. “If you aren’t going to say anything, just sit there while I get out of my wet clothes.”
Kakashi made no complaints, just silently watched the chunin go about his home.
After dropping off the bag in the kitchen, Iruka disappeared down a hall that led to the bedrooms. When he did, Kakashi took to looking back out the window again.
He raised a hand and placed it over his heart. There was now a warmth there, settled deep and pleasant even if the reception hadn’t been the most welcoming. It felt like he could breathe easy once again. He had almost forgot what that felt like.
It wasn’t long until he heard footsteps again and Iruka emerged out of the hallway. Kakashi’s breath caught.
The other man wasn’t wearing anything special. Only a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. His wet hair was down and he was using a towel to dry it off. Nothing Kakashi hadn’t seen before, yet it snatched the breath right out of his lungs.
Iruka continued to move, walking towards the kitchen, as if Kakashi wasn’t there. It gave the silver haired man time to admire the other man’s soft locks, how they flowed to meet the man’s shoulder. He remembered their texture, of running his hands through it during the late nights he could not fall asleep. His hands curled into fist as he resisted the urge to go over and touch the strands again.
Iruka disappeared into the kitchen and there was the sounds of pots and running water.
Kakashi didn’t move to investigate. He didn’t need to since he knew that Iruka was probably going through his normal routine of getting himself tea.
But it did give Kakashi time to think; time to think of how to approach the topic that was burning in his mind.
He looked down at his hands and just patiently waited. It was funny how his mind and body were completely blank but still tumultuous at the same time. He couldn’t even begin to describe what he was feeling, let alone how to even bring up his own thoughts gently.
As he tried to think of the words to say, time quickly passed and all too soon Iruka came back into the living room, a cup of tea in his hands. It stung at Kakashi to only see the one cup. That, more than anything, clearly told the silver haired man of his unwelcome intrusion.
Kakashi had taken a seat on one end of the couch. He had thought that maybe the chunin would take a seat at the other end like he would have done in the past. But Iruka took a seat in the only recliner that was still at the other end of the couch, creating more space between them.
He set his coffee cup on the table in front of him before he looked at Kakashi cooly. “You ready to talk?”
When Kakashi didn’t respond, the brunet sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. When he looked at the jonin again, it was with a hard frown. “Look, I don’t know what you are here for but if you think that you can just walk in here whenever you please, you have-”
“Why did you break up with me?” Kakashi interrupted. He finally just decided to be forthright. He needed answers and need them sooner rather than later.
The chunin jolted and blinked. His frown had momentarily disappeared but then returned, deeper than before. “Excuse me?”
“Why did you break up with me?” the silver haired man repeated. His hands tightened into fists. “I never asked before.”
Iruka eyed him, look clearly guarded. “...Does it matter?” he questioned. “It has been some years Hatake-san.”
Kakashi remained quiet, breaking eye contact to study the wood of the table. It stung to hear Iruka speak to him to formally, but he supposed he deserved it. After all, he hadn’t been the most kind after their break up.
He tried to find the words to say why knowing was so important to him now, but once again found himself coming up short. “...Just answer...,” he whispered as he looked up to meet Iruka’s gaze. “Why did you break up with me?”
Now it was the chunin’s turn to be silent. He leaned back into the recliner with a soft sigh. He rested his left cheek against his fist, while his right hand pulled at the towel around his shoulders off to place on the armrest of his seat. His eyes assessed the jonin but gave nothing away about what he was thinking. It made Kakashi’s stomach cramp with the jitters, something he had only felt before a handful of times in his life.
The brunet took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. He remained very still for a moment before he opened his eyes again. Unlike Kakashi had expected, they were soft and gentle but it didn’t mesh with the blank face he wore.
“...I was tired...,” he started while he lifted his head and lowered his arm. He opened his mouth again but then closed it. He turned his eyes away and pressed his lips together in deep thought.
Kakashi remained silent but brought his hands together to fold them tight in front of him. He refused to shift in his seat but it was a near thing as he waited. He wanted to ask: Tired of what? Tired of our lifestyle? Tired of us? Tired of me? He was so caught up in his thoughts that he almost missed when Iruka spoke again.
“...Tired of the secrets....”
Kakashi sat up straighter. “What?”
Iruka eyes trained back on the silver haired man. “I got tired of the secrets.”
“What secrets?” Kakashi wanted to know, eyebrows furrowed together.
The chunin just sent him a disbelieving look. “Really?” he demanded. “Are you serious?”
Kakashi just tilted his head to the side.
Iruka groaned and tilted his head back with a roll of his eyes. He just stared up at his ceiling with a small frown before he looked back again with a flat look. “You are full of secrets Hatake-san,” he explained. “Your past, your personality, your life, is just one big mystery. And to be honest, I just got tired of trying to figure you out.”
Kakashi frowned behind his mask. “We are shinobi,” he defended, “our lives revolve around secrecy.”
“Yes,” Iruka agreed with a nod but with a frown. “But when does that become who you are? Most shinobi can separate work from their personal lives. But you? You embody it and don’t let anyone in.”
Kakashi grew quiet. “...I thought we didn’t need to,” he whispered after a moment, “since I thought we were already good with our relationship.”
Iruka huffed. “‘Our relationship,’” he repeated softly. He reached and took his cup. He took a deep drink before he added, “Call it for what it was Hatake-san, we might as well have been fuck buddies.”
Kakashi pressed his mouth together, his folded hands tightening more as he resisted the urge to flinch. He had thought it more than that. They did couple things right? Had dinner together at home, cuddled on the couch, had great sex after which Kakashi would spend the night, and all those other couple-y things. Sure, they never were out about it in public for safety reasons but behind closed doors Kakashi felt they could be themselves. That’s how couples were supposed to feel, right?
“We did more than have sex Iruka,” he countered.
The chunin sent him a bland look. “Yes, but that is really how all of it started.” He took another drink of his tea. “We were young and fell into bed and that was the basis of our relationship.”
He looked down at his tea, eyes growing distant. “You always ever came when you needed a place to hide and have a body warming your bed. And I always let you in because maybe, maybe, I thought I was different and I could help you with whatever was going on in your mind.”
He huffed softly before he looked up with his mind present and pained. “But I barely could take care of myself.... And for all a liar that Mizuki-san was he did offer good advice. One of those being when was I going to take care of myself? How could I even imagine helping others when I could barely help myself?”
Kakashi’s eyes hardened at the mention of the traitor and the one that had almost killed Iruka. He resented how the brunet could speak that man’s name so casually but still talk about Kakashi so formally.
“So you did it because of... Mizuki-san?” The name tasted bitter on his tongue.
Iruka shook his head. “He didn’t even know about us Hatake-san. I did it because I was just tired of the secrecy that came with you. Tired of how every time you left, I felt used. I needed to take care of myself first before I could even imagine helping you.”
Kakashi hummed as bowed his head. He was quiet in thought taking in all the things he learned. In his head it didn’t all make sense. He thought they were good, that Iruka was happy. He knew he always was. Felt clean and relaxed after every visit. And Iruka had made no mention of his thoughts before either, not even when he broke off their relationship.
Something bright bloomed in Kakashi’s heart. Because maybe, maybe he could ask for Iruka to take him back now. The brunet was in a better place than he was years before, and Kakashi could give him what he wanted. So that the chunin wouldn’t leave him again.
“Hatake-san,” Iruka called, bringing Kakashi back to the present. The jonin lifted his head and met the other man’s gaze. He had placed the cup back on the table and the brunet’s eyebrows were drawn together in worry but his lips were pressed together sternly.
“If you found the answer you were looking for,” he said slowly, “then I am going to ask you to leave.”
Something tightened painfully in the silver haired man’s chest, almost choking him. Leaving was the last thing he wanted!
He moved before he realized what he was doing. He pushed himself forward and firmly grasped either side of the recliners armrest, effectively trapping the chunin.
Iruka jolted upright but was still in his seat with wide eyes. Kakashi nearly made a pained noise in his throat when there was a flash of fear in the brunet’s eyes. Because the other man should never have a reason to fear him.
Their faces were inches apart as they stared each other down, breaths mingling between them. Kakashi’s heart pounded loudly in his ears before he slowly raised his right hand.
But when he saw Iruka stiffen and paused his movement. Silently, he then waited until the tension eased in the brunet and the jonin finished his goal and grabbed the edge of his mask.
Iruka’s eyes widened more when Kakashi brought down the mask, revealing everything to the man. He even would have pushed up his hitai-ate but he didn’t want his sharingan to drain his chakra. Maybe later; later when he and Iruka were alright again.
Both of them remained silent. The sound of Kakashi’s heart beat now drowned out the rain outside as his sole focus was just trained on Iruka.
He licked his dry lips and took it as a good sign when the chunin looked down quickly at his lips before looking back up again at the jonin’s eye. It gave Kakashi the courage to speak.
“Is this what you were talking about?” he asked. He tried to keep it even but there was a high tightness in his tone and a bit rushed. “One of the secrets you wanted to know?”
Iruka let out a shaky sigh and leaned back against the recliner with wide eyes. He didn’t say anything though so Kakashi continued talking.
“Would you be happy if I told you more about me? I can do that. I can give you everything you want, if you tell me. And I’m also sorry I lashed out at you before the Chunin Exams,” he quickly added. He had responded poorly upon seeing the other man, still a little hurt after everything and just have him be questioned to openly.
He swallowed and finished, “If I do tell you everything, will you take me back?”
Iruka closed his eyes tightly with a deep breath and it took everything in Kakashi to not just press forward and kiss the other man. He desperately missed those lips. Often dreamed of them after their break up. Soft but firm, unyielding but gentle. He would give anything to feel them again.
When Iruka opened his eyes again, Kakashi had hoped that maybe there would be some light there- some warmth. But he only saw those dark eyes look at him gently but with no sense of happiness.
“No.”
Kakashi jerked back like he had been slapped, his body reacting before he could stop it. He stood up straight, arms falling limply to his side. He stared down at the other man but without seeing him. The warm feeling his chest vanished, leaving a cold frost in its wake. It almost became hard to breath again.
“No?” he whispered, his eyes stinging.
This time, Iruka stood up, drawing Kakashi out of his thoughts to where he backed up to allow the man to. The brunet reached out with his right hand and took hold on Kakashi’s shoulder. He squeezed and repeated solemnly, “No.”
The silver haired man bowed his head. “I see....” When his eyes didn’t sting so badly he lifted his head but looked past Iruka’s face.
He quickly brought his mask over his mouth and nose. “I’m sorry to bother you,” he said flatly. “I’ll see myself out.”
He made to move but the chunin still held a firm hold on his shoulder, halting him.
“Kakashi-san....”
The name change caught the jonin’s attention and, despite his feelings, he looked at the other man. His breath caught at how soft the look was and there was in underlining warmth that was beginning to show even though he still looked sorrowful.
“Kakashi-san,” he spoke softly, “we can’t go back to the way things the were before. We have both changed through the years. But that doesn’t mean we can’t take things slow.” He smiled encouragingly. “You know, as friends.”
Kakashi tilted his head to the side, eyebrows bunched together. He wasn’t necessarily confused by the peace offering but... Hatake Kakashi didn’t have friends. Friends were a weakness, something that could be used against him.
And taking this slow was not in his person. Things came and went quickly. That’s just how his life has always been. He needed to grab it when he could or it would just fall right through his hands.
Naruto’s face suddenly came to mind. That sunshine smile with encouraging words and boundless determination. Of Sakura, who was obsessive yes, but in nearly a way that made him laugh at remembering the other girls during his Academy days and the amount of potential she had. He then thought of Sasuke, who was so much like him and was wondering down a path that he once thought himself was going to follow. And someone he might not be able to save.
He had pushed them so fast and thrown them into things that he shouldn’t have. He was taking things at his pace, and had nearly killed him and his team on more than one occasion. If he had taken things slow, would they have been more prepared? Would things have happened the way they did?
He felt a touch on his right cheek which drew him back to the present. His eye focused on Iruka, seeing the softness and warmth that he has desperately missed. He wanted to sink into it, bath it in; to heal the brokenness that existed in his soul.
He wanted to beg and plead for Iruka to understand. To try and convey the turmoil that was going on in his mind.
But he didn’t have to. Because this was Iruka. And somehow, he could see everything without even a word having to be told.
The chunin smiled gently and patted the silver haired man’s cheek. “You never really know if you can do something, Kakashi-san,” he offered encouragingly, “if you don’t give it a try.”
Kakashi closed his eye while his throat grew tight. He thought about it, deeply thought about it. His former students- his former team- and all the things he did wrong. Of all the things that had happened with Iruka and how he had just let the chunin slip out of his grasp because... because he sort of expected their relationship to fall apart even though he desperately fought against it. But now... maybe now it could be different if he had a change of pace....
Something deep inside of him formed solidly in his chest. It wasn’t similar to the ones he normally felt; the kind that left him unable to breathe or even move. No, this one gave him strength, made him want to move forward. Made him want to try for change. If not for himself than at least for the people he had let down before and maybe could make up to. Naruto, Sakura, and... Iruka.
He brought up one of his hands and cupped Iruka’s that was still on his cheek. He held it tightly as he opened his eye again. Iruka still an open and encouraging smile and it gave him the strength to nod his head.
“Great!” Iruka cheered. He pulled his hands back and, though he was reluctant, Kakashi let go of the hand on his cheek.
Then the chunin smiled cheekily and held open his arms. “You look like you really need a hug,” he explained before Kakashi could ask.
For a moment, the jonin froze, his eye widening a little. Iruka’s smile lessened and he smiled sheepishly.
“Well, maybe not yet then...,” he began as he lowered his arms. But before he fully could Kakashi closed the gap between them by plastering himself up against the other man.
He wrapped his arms tightly around the brunet’s shoulders. He knew it was too tight as Iruka made a soft protest but Kakashi found he couldn’t lessen his grasp. He closed his eye and took a deep breath, taking in the homely scent that reminded the silver haired man of ramen and chalk of a classroom. He only knew the other man didn’t fully mind when the chunin’s arms went around his waist, sealing their hug.
They stayed that way for a moment. Kakashi felt like a weight was lifted of his chest and shoulders, something that had hindered him. Now he could breathe again- could feel again- and it was all because he was back in Iruka’s arms.
But all too soon, Iruka’s grasp fell away and Kakashi, reminding himself to take things slow, pulled back as well.
When they looked at each other, Iruka smiled brightly and Kakashi felt like he was staring at the sun. He fought against the sting in his eyes as it felt so good to see it again.
“Now!” Iruka began with a nod. “If you aren’t busy, why don’t you make yourself at home and I’ll make you some tea.”
It took Kakashi a moment to respond as Iruka stared up at him patiently and that he was waiting for the jonin to answer.
The silver haired man smiled softly behind the mask. “Tea would be lovely,” he agreed softly.
“Great!” Iruka turned but then paused and looked back at Kakashi with a stern edge in his face. “Also, don’t feel like you have to pull down your mask just because of what happened. If you don’t feel comfortable enough yet, then don’t do it. Okay?”
Kakashi blinked, taken aback, but something warm unfurled in his chest. He closed his eye in a tight smile, and for once it didn’t feel forced. “Alright, Sensei.”
When he opened his eye, one of Iruka’s cheeks was puffed out with an unimpressed look. “I’m not on duty, Kakashi-san,” he teasingly admonished as he turned away and made his way to the kitchen.
“But it fits you nicely,” Kakashi joked back.
“Oh, ha ha.”
When Iruka disappeared into the kitchen, Kakashi took a seat on the couch again, the one closest to the recliner. Since the chunin had said to make himself feel at home, he removed his shoes before pushing himself in the corner of the couch. Listening to the sounds going on in the kitchen, he pulled out his normal Icha Icha book and flipped it to where he had last left it off.
He wasn’t really reading though, he was just listening. Hearing the sounds of water and cabinets opening mixed in with Iruka’s happy hum. It made him relax more into his seat, feeling safe and more at ease than he had been in a long time.
But it still felt like something was missing....
When he heard Iruka come back in, he was still trying to figure out what was wrong when he heard, “Kakashi! What have I told you about having those books in my house!”
The jonin lifted his head and looked over his shoulder. Iruka was standing in the doorway between the two rooms with a cup in his hands. He face was puffed out and red with a glare directed toward the silver haired man. A smirk played at the corner of Kakashi’s lips as he now figured out what was wrong.
“Hm, sensei?” he asked innocently. “Did you say something?”
Iruka then stood up straighter, clearly ready to go on a tirade. But even as he began, he still stepped forward and placed Kakashi’s cup on the table where the jonin could reach it. He then continued on, hands on his hips as he towered over the silver haired man.
And as Kakashi went back to his book and act like he wasn’t listening, he smiled brightly behind his mask.
Now, it finally felt like he was home.