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We both lost her that night. McKenna’s words rang in Alex’s ears long after they parted ways. It was true, she knew, that McKenna had lost her twin. Her other half. But Jennie wasn’t just McKenna’s other half, she was Alex’s as well.
I know you loved her so much. But how much did she truly know? Jennie had kept some secrets from McKenna. Violet was wrong. They didn’t share everything.
Alex fell in love with Jennie when they were thirteen. The girls had always been close. Nothing near the bond that Jennie and McKenna had, of course, but enough that they often would group together when McKenna would wander off to hang with Olivia. They were at a sleepover and Jennie had rolled over until their noses were almost touching.
Do you wanna try something with me? She’s whispered, almost like it was a secret. Alex supposed it was a secret since Jennie had asked her and not Candance or Olivia or McKenna. Jennie’s smile prompted Alex into nodding. The next few moments changed Alex’s life.
Jennie’s chapped lips pressed against hers slowly. There was a tentativeness there that Alex only realized after Jennie was dead, an almost fear from the girl who seemed to fear nothing. It felt like butterflies were exploding into fireworks in her chest. Warmth rushed through her body and made her fingers feel tingly.
Then Jennie pulled away and smiled at her and Alex felt her chest warm and thought oh no.
Alex admitted she was in love with Jennie when they were fourteen. It was easy, at first, to brush her feelings aside. Of course they kissed, Jennie was closer to her than any other girl in the group besides McKenna. Of course she would blush when Jennie pressed against her to steal Candance’s food, it looked like there was something more going on and she was embarrassed. Of course she would think about Jennie’s lips on hers, Jennie was her first kiss. But there was no way to brush aside wanting to kiss her again. There was no brushing aside the longing to be next to her, to have Jennie look at her the way McKenna looked at Henry (or maybe it was the similarities he had with Olivia that held her interest).
They were at another sleepover when Jennie tugged her into the bathroom. Alex blushed and peeked back into the bedroom, but all the girls were asleep. She opened her mouth to ask Jennie what was wrong and stopped when she felt a finger press against her lips. Startled, she blinked at Jennie.
Jennie kissed her again. Alex’s brain shorted out before firing rapidly. She’s kissing me again, we’re kissing, does this mean she likes me back?! There was something wrong with the last thought, but Alex pushed the feeling away and focused on the feeling of Jennie’s hands cupping her cheeks.
She realized later what was wrong with the thought. She had gone far past the realm of liking, she was in love. And she wanted Jennie to be in love too.
Alex realized she made one of the biggest mistakes of her life when she was sixteen. It had been two wonderful years of kissing Jennie, but they were stressed. Exams were coming up and Alex, who had already starting taking pills to keep up with her parents’ standards, was starting to hit a wall. The drugs kept her awake, but she couldn’t sleep or keep anything down. It was just through finals, she told herself, just until the end of the year.
And then Jennie came to her and asked for some pills. Alex didn’t know how she missed her girlfriend’s increasing stress. It made her feel guilty and the paranoia that Jennie would leave her, would write her off as nothing more than a drug-riddled freak, made her cave.
She gave Jennie the pills, told her how to get the most out of the pills, and kissed her goodbye. She ignored the sinking feeling in her chest. Everything would be fine. It was just until the end of the year. Jennie would come to her and they would kiss and it would all be fine.
It was fine, until Alex’s phone rang in the middle of the night. She rolled over with a groan and felt for her phone, dread pooling in her stomach when she saw McKenna calling her.
“Hello?”
“She’s dead, Alex, Jennie’s dead,” McKenna sobbed.
Alex felt her body freeze up. This wasn’t happening, it was a bad dream her anxious brain conjured up. There was no way Jennie, bright, vibrant Jennie was dead.
“What? What are you saying?”
“Jennie’s gone!” McKenna voice cracked even more. “They couldn’t revive her at the hospital! Her heart stopped beating.”
Alex felt her heart stop at that. She would learn later that McKenna and Jennie had heart defects that made their hearts weaker, that they needed to be careful about things. She would learn that she killed her best friend, her girlfriend, that the guilt would hang heavy around her neck.
She knew later that she needed to come clean with McKenna. It felt like her secrets were drowning her, pulling her down a drug-addicted path.
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead, but it felt like it would be easier if both of them were dead.