Chapter Text
Dean sat on his bed, rubbing his face. God was he tired. Dean, Cas and Sam had just returned from a hunt. Some demons, some murders, the usual gig. Except for the reaction the demon had had when he saw Dean and Cas. It looked terrified. Dean remembered what the demon had said before he could kill it.
You. You two. You’re so fucked up. It’s all your fault.
Of course, Cas and Dean didn’t know what it was talking about. They were pretty fucked up, maybe a bit more than the usual hunters and angels, but what was their fault? They just looked at each other, completely clueless. They certainly stared at each other a little longer than they thought, because at one point, Sam started to cough and then walked out saying something along the lines of “Why won’t you come back to the car when you’ll be finished eye-fucking.” Dean didn’t know why Sam would make so many jokes about them. At first, he thought it was just about teasing them but time after time, he had the feeling that it was more than a joke for him.
But why? We’re friends, that’s all.
Dean took a swig of the bottle of whiskey that was on his bedside table and laid on his bed without taking his clothes off. What was the point? He was too tired anyway.
He woke up the next morning with a strange feeling in his guts. He proceeded to get up and looked at the time.
7 a.m.? Man, how did I manage to sleep that much?
He walked out of his room and to the kitchen. It was completely empty. Neither Cas nor Sam were there. And yes, it was pretty unusual. But Dean assumed that they decided to rest a little longer, the previous hunt had really been exhausting. He took a beer in the fridge and emptied it in less than 5 minutes. He still felt uneasy, so he grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and wrote quickly.
Need to get some air, will be driving Baby.
He wondered if he was going to take a shower, then shrugged, grabbed his keys, put on his jacket and went out of the Bunker. It wasn’t worth it. He would only be gone for an hour or two. Besides, Baby had seen him in a worse state.
Once on the leather seat, he felt a little better, a bit more in control. But there was still something that was wrong. Something he couldn’t put his finger on. So he started to drive, his eyes staring at the road in front of him. He didn’t know where to go, so he just followed the long ribbon of concrete. He was pulling over when he realized that he didn’t put any music on. And why did he stop? He didn’t even know where he was. He got out of the 67 Chevy Impala before looking around him. He took a few steps towards a place that he knew well. Maybe too well. An empty playground. God, he hated this playground.
The portal to Heaven? Why am I here?
The answer showed up right away. A big streak of light was tearing the air apart. Then it was all black. And he woke up in his bedroom.
Man, that was a weird dream.
He didn’t want to get up, but he eventually did. This time, he grabbed some clean clothes and walked towards the bathroom. He turned on the water and made it as hot as possible. He sure needed to relax. After a couple of minutes, maybe a little more, he stepped out of the shower. He wanted to put some clothes on, but he realized he forgot something.
-Damn it, I forgot my pants.
He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist.
It’s no big deal, there’s just Sam and Cas here.
He opened the door and walked quickly in the hall. He heard footsteps that were getting in his direction. And that was at this moment that his towel decided to fall on the floor. He hadn’t had the time to catch it when he heard a deep voice.
-Well you took your time in the bathr…
Two light blue eyes were now staring at him with surprise. Dean quickly hided his crotch with the towel, red spreading on his cheeks.
-Hiya Cas.
The angel was still staring at him, like he was completely frozen.
-He…Hello Dean. He coughed.
-Sorry for the towel thing, I just forgot my pants in my bedroom.
Why did I say that? It was obvious enough, damn it. But hey, it’s not a big deal, right? I saw him naked covered in bees. You can’t do anything more awkward.
But they were both tense, uneasy.
-Well, I’m…going to get my pants now.
He quickly entered his room, put on his pants and wrapped the towel around himself again. Just in case. Then he practically ran back in the bathroom and put on as many clothes as humanly possible. He made his way to the kitchen, desperately aiming for some whiskey, or a beer, at least. He couldn’t bear this situation without alcohol in his organism.
-Dean, what do you think you’re doing?
Dean turned around to see Sam’s judgmental face. Great, he was going to endure the “health speech” of his little brother. Again.
-Man, you need to quit drinking like this. It’s barely 6 a.m.
-And you need to quit lecturing me like this. It’s barely 6 a.m. I’m in no mental state to take this.
-You seem off. Everything’s alright?
-Yeah, Sam. Why do you ask?
Sam gave him another hard look before getting back to the book he was reading. Of course, he knew he was lying, but hell if he was going to tell Sam the truth.
-Anyway, you got anything on a hunt?
Sam lifted his eyes from the book once again, sighed, then answered.
-Listen, I know that whatever is wrong with you, you want to forget it by hunting something, but last hunt has really drained me out, and I thought we could all use a break today.
-Oh, yeah right.
-But if you really want to, ask Cas, he could go with you. It’s not like he can be tired, literally speaking.
Dean slightly blushed, but fortunately Sam was too interested in his book to look at him. He awkwardly stood up and went outside. He could definitely use some air. He regretted his decision the second he got past the door of the Bunker. Apparently, Cas needed to go out too. Or was he expecting Dean to show up there? Dean didn’t know what to do. This situation shouldn’t have been this embarrassing, yet it was. Definitely. He tried to act like nothing happened anyway. Nothing important happened after all.
-Needed some air?
-Well, I don’t need to breathe, but oxygen does feel nice.
Ah, Cas and his taking things seriously all the time. It always made Dean smile. It didn’t fail this time either.
- Even if I need to breathe, oxygen feels nice for me too.
Dean was still smiling until he noticed something with Cas. Was he blushing? Why?
-You okay there buddy?
Cas cleared his throat and straightened up.
-Yes. Yes I am okay.
Dean knew he was lying because that was what he always did, every time someone asked him that. But he wasn’t taking any bullshit. Not today. He walked closer to Cas.
-No seriously, what’s wrong?
Cas looked at him angrily.
-Nothing is wrong, Dean.
The hunter took a step back. Why was Cas suddenly angry at him? Why was this day so strange? What was happening? He put his hands in front of him in a peaceful gesture.
-Okay, fine, you don’t wanna talk about it. You know what? I’m going for a ride, so I won’t bother you any longer.
-Dean…
Cas was obviously sorry. Dean walked in front of Cas and put a hand on his shoulder. Cas shivered at this touch.
-That’s okay buddy. I was going to go anyway.
-Fine. Pray if you need anything.
Dean winked.
-Or I could just call you.
-If it’s more convenient for you.
Dean laughed and went to his car. He turned around to see that Cas was still staring at him. Not angrily, not sadly, but almost…regretfully. Like he had been wanting to do or say something but didn’t.
What’s going on with Cas?
He sat in his car and felt exactly like in his dream. He thought for a second, then started the engine. When he got out of the vehicle, he found himself in the same place as in his dream.
-Why the fuck did I end up here again? Something’s going on.
Cas, can you come here?
Suddenly, Dean heard the sound of the angel’s wings.
-What’s going on Dean?
Cas looked worried.
-Don’t worry, Cas, it’s nothing dangerous. At least I think so.
-What is it then?
Dean told his friend about his dream, and about how his subconscious always led him to this place. It was at this moment that Cas turned around to see where they were.
-The heavenly portal. But… I haven’t heard anything strange from the angels.
-Great…
Dean sighed, then sat on a swing. Castiel tilted his head, narrowing his eyes in a squint. Dean laughed and pointed at the one next to him.
-Just... sit on this one.
Castiel still looked confused, but he sat nevertheless. He then gave Dean one of these looks that Sam absurdly called “eye-fuck”. After a second, Dean sighed again.
-So what are we gonna do?
Cas looked away for a moment.
-I guess we’ll have to wait until something dangerous comes up.
The angel turned his head to face Dean.
-It has always worked, hasn’t it?
Dean smiled.
-Yes, I guess it has.
They stared at each other for a while, both smiling, remembering all the times that they fought evil together.
-I should probably tell everything to Sam though, he could…dig whatever he can find about this.
-Yes, that would be a good idea.
Cas disappeared right after saying this. Dean returned to the Bunker and explained it all to Sam.
-Okay, Dean, I’ll go check on your Inception thing.
Dean watched as his little brother turned towards the library with a proud little smile on his face. Dean shook his head disapprovingly and stayed on the spot. What was he supposed to do? He could do literally nothing. Returning to the playground had done nothing more than freaking him out, he would be of no help by searching through books (that was the job of his geek brother after all) and there was no other way to do research that he knew of. He went to the kitchen and grabbed the beer that he hadn’t been able to drink earlier.
He was halfway through the bottle when he thought about Cas. Where was he? What was he doing? He just disappeared without any explanation. Not that this was unusual but…Dean felt really alone. And useless. He sat on a kitchen chair and continued to drink.
Three beers later, Sam appeared in the room.
-So get this…have you drunk three beers already?
There was a mix of astonishment, despair and concrn on the youngest Winchester’s face. Dean shrugged, and his brother walked closer.
-Dean…Is everything okay?
-Yeah Sam, absolutely, what shouldn’t it be?
Sam gave him a hard look but resumed his explanation.
-I think I might have found something about your dream…
-And? What is it?
-Well, according to the lore, this kind of precognitive dreams means that there is some sort of rip in time and space.
-And what is it supposed to mean?
-It means that you’re currently in another dimension than the one you are from… It means that you’re not in the right dimension in this exact moment.
Dean opened two wide eyes, definitely panicking.
-What?
-Listen, I know it’s really strange. Even if I’m the one who’s saying all of this, I still have a hard time believing, and even understanding it. It’s just what I’ve found.
But at this moment, Dean remembered the streak of light from his dream.
It’s starting to make sense, but this is insane, dammit!
-Suppose you’re right…what am I supposed to do now?
Sam looked at him, visibly looking for something in him. His real brother, the one from his dimension? He cleared his throat.
-Well…we need to find a way for you to return in your dimension.
-And the…
Dean hesitated for a second. Was he really going to say this?
-The me from this dimension. Where is he?
Sam gave him a lost, worried and pained look.
-I don’t know.
Dean could know it hurt his brother to say those words. But then he remembered. It wasn’t his brother in front of him. After all what was so different between those dimensions? Wasn’t there supposed to be some things like a blonde Sam, or Castiel in another vessel, or something? Dean needed to think. He could not drive Baby, that was for sure. He looked into Sam’s eyes and didn’t know if he could leave him alone.
-It’s okay Dean, you can go. I’m gonna do some research.
-Are you gonna be okay, Sammy?
-Yes, Dean. Just, go do your thing.
Sam returned to the library, opening an huge book as soon as he sat on a chair.
Dean went to his bedroom, deciding he would think better with some Led Zeppelin in his ears. He was listening to Ramble On, one of his favorites, when he heard a light knock on his door. He got up immediately to open the door.
-What did you find Sa…Cas?
-Hello Dean.
-Cas, where have you been?
-I can’t tell you Dean, I’m sorry.
Dean gave him a somewhat desperate, painful and even betrayed look. A look that said “I needed you, you weren’t here, and you can’t even tell me where you were?”. A look that hurt Cas, Dean could see it. So why couldn’t he tell him? What was happening? Dean was too hurt to show it. He needed to be strong, or at least to act strong. He talked in a low voice.
-What are you doing here?
-I…just came to see if Sam found what is going on.
-Well, he did.
-What is it?
-Nothing of your concern.
Dean recognized the look that Cas gave him. This mute “Oh, really?”.
Yes, really.
Dean slammed the door between them and stood still for what seemed like an eternity.
I’m a thirteen-year-old girl.
The only thing that took him out of his state was another knock on the door.
-Cas, get out.
-Hum…Dean, it’s me.
Dean opened the door quickly.
-Sam?
Sam’s face almost screamed “Awkward”.
-What happened with Cas?
-Nothing. What have you found?
Sam lifted a brow, then his face became grave.
-Well, there is this weird thing. The…
He took a breath before going on.
-The Dean from this dimension has kind of been erased of reality-
-What?
-Yes. At least during your time here.
-And…what do I do to go back to where I’m from?
-You’re here for a reason Dean. You’re here to fix something that went wrong because of you. Only then you can get back to your dimension and the other you will be back.
-How am I supposed to know what went wrong? It’s not happened in my dimension yet!
Sam gave him a hard look. Dean knew he couldn’t bear his own brother looking at him like that. Problem was, it technically wasn’t his brother.
-You need to find out. Quickly.
Despair spread on the oldest Winchester’s face again. How could he find out? He had no clue of what was wrong. Everything was normal. Except for Cas, of course… And then it struck Dean. The demon that looked at him and Cas. The demon that told them that something was their fault. Dean needed to talk to the angel. Sam had gone back to the library, visibly upset. But Dean didn’t have time for this.
Cas, get your feathery ass down here. Now.
But Cas didn’t come. It was when Dean had sat on his bed, his face in his head, drowning in frustration, that he heard something familiar. The fluttering of angelic wings.
-Dean.
Dean looked up. Cas was still hurt from their previous conversation, he could tell. But he needed to know something.
-Cas, where were you today and why can’t you tell me.
-Dean, I can’t, I’m sorry.
Dean shot up on his feet.
-Cas, this is important. Tell me.
This time Cas didn’t answer. He just looked at him, despair in his eyes.
Dean walked towards Cas, his face dangerously close to the angel’s.
-Castiel. Tell me. Now.
This time, anger took the place of despair in Cas’ eyes.
-Dean. I can’t tell you. And whatever you will say won’t change my mind.
-Why Cas? What would be so important that you can’t tell me what’s going on? What would be so important that I can’t go back to where I’m from?
-What are you saying Dean?
Dean explained what Sam had told him and it only worsened the look on the angel’s face.
-Dean…
-Cas, I think the place where you went has something to do with why I’m here. I need to know.
A tear rolled down Cas’ cheek. Dean was worried.
-Cas, what is going on?
All his instincts told him to wipe the tear away, but he couldn’t.
-Dean… I’m so sorry.
Dean was really scared now.
-Is it something you’ve done? You know that whatever you did we can work this out.
-It’s too late.
-It’s never too late Cas. What is going on?
-You’ll know. But not now. I had no other choice, Dean.
Cas disappeared. Again. And it left Dean incredibly confused and worried. The hunter knew that Cas had done something wrong. With good intentions, he was sure of that, but he had obviously done something terrible. And it was just a matter of time until the consequences would show up.
It had been two months since Dean hadn’t seen Cas. Two months of incredibly awkward moments with Sam who barely talked to him. Two months of preparing for whatever apocalypse Cas was about to cause with good intentions. Dean had tried demons, monsters, hunters, but nobody hadn’t heard of anything.
And then he saw it. Flash news on TV. Groups of serial killers across the country. White-eyed serial killers.
-Son of a bitch.
Dean went to find Sam, and the look is “brother” gave to him hurt him once more. It was like he wasn’t really here, like Sam was seeing a ghost in him.
-Sam, something’s happening.
Dean missed calling his brother “Sammy”, but the way Sam was looking at him when he dared calling him that was just too painful for him to go on.
-A lot of white-eyed demons have been seen practically everywhere in the country.
Sam lifted a brow. At least he seemed interested by what Dean said.
-What are they doing?
Dean remembered the horrible things he had seen on TV.
-Killing people…even black-eyed ones.
Sam started to think.
-Wait, white-eyed demons aren’t that common. There are just a few, so why are there so much of them?
-I don’t know, but we have to stop them!
-Dean, they are strong enough to over-power angels. With so much of them out there, I’m not sure of how we can kill them.
-They are powerful enough to fight with angels, but not enough to kill them.
There was a moment of silence, before Sam broke it.
-Dean, I know what you’re thinking, but we haven’t seen Castiel in months, and even you thought that whatever catastrophe was going to happen would be his fault, so what are you hoping for?
Dean knew that he was delusional. But he couldn’t believe that whatever Cas had to do, he wouldn’t help them. So he went outside and drove Baby to a place he hadn’t been to in months.
He sat on one of the swings in the empty playground and prayed.
Cas, I don’t know where you are or what you’ve done, but we need your help. I need your help. If I don’t stop this, I won’t be able to make it back to my dimension, remember? And if I don’t, I don’t know what’ll happen to me. Worse, I don’t know what’ll happen to Sam.
Dean waited on that swing for hours, unable to do anything else. The sky grew darker and darker and soon it was night. But Dean wouldn’t move. He wouldn’t stand up, drive home and find a solution with Sam. Because there wasn’t any solution. There was just Cas. Dean just wished he had brought a bottle of whiskey or anything that could have let him forget his troubles and pass the time. At one point he knew that Cas wasn’t going to show up, whether he didn’t care, or he couldn’t come. But he sat still nevertheless, his gaze lost in the night.
He was about to literally fall asleep when he heard a sound that he hadn’t heard for months. A sound that he didn’t know how much he needed to hear.
-Hello Dean.
Dean shot up on his feet and rushed towards the angel to welcome him with a hug. He wrapped his arms around the angel, who stood still, silent.
-Cas, thank God you’re here. I’ve missed you buddy.
There was still no response. Dean finally freed Cas from his embrace and took a step back.
-I prayed to you, you know? I prayed to you every goddamn night.
His eyes were beginning to become watery, so he straightened himself up and cleared up his throat.
-Now, why did you take so long to come?
Cas’ head fell down.
-I’m sorry Dean I-
Dean was sick of these “I’m sorry”s.
-Okay, enough with the apologies. I just want some answers man.
-I know that you won’t like it, but this needed to be done.
-What needed to be done? Because all I see is a bunch of white-eyed sons of bitches roaming the country. Now explain this to me. What the fuck is this necessary for?
-I…I made a deal.
-A deal? Why would you do that Cas?
-They promised me…
Cas became silent. Dean didn’t know what to think.
- Now, I need you to tell me Cas. It is bad enough that I’m in the wrong dimension with Sammy who’s barely talking to me, but man, I need you for me to go home!
-They told me that it would be better. In another dimension.
-Okay, who’s “they” and what would be better?
-At first, I thought they lied, but then you told me that you were from another dimension and that was obviously linked to it. So I gave them what they were asking for.
-You really need to be clearer. You freed the demons?
-I did it for you, Dean. So you could be happier.
-Why would I be happier? What was the deal Cas?
But the angel had already flown away. Dean found this situation horribly familiar.
A week had passed since Dean’s last confusing conversation with Cas, and the situation hadn’t got any better. In fact, the white-eyed demon had slaughtered a lot more of demons and people, and hunters had begun to team up against them. But they were too weak, and they lost everything, the battles as well as their lives. However, Dean had decided to be part of one of the battles he had heard of. Sam had insisted on going with him.
-If you die, I might not see my brother again.
Dean couldn’t tell if Sam meant to be a part of this fight because he thought it was his as well as Dean’s, or if he couldn’t bear to live if he wasn’t with his brother. In both cases, Dean had tried to convince him to stay out of this fight. After all, all of this was apparently his fault. But Sam was way too stubborn to listen to him.
Dean went to his room, desperate. He lost all of his chances to go back to his dimension, Cas, and would soon lose Sam too. He started to pack his back, taking a swig of whatever alcohol was on his bedside table at the moment.
He heard a knock on his door. Everything was way too Groundhog’s day-ish for him to handle. He went to open the door nevertheless.
Surprise struck him on the spot when he saw what was on the other side. He saw Castiel, dirty and hurt. His face and his trench coat were covered in blood. Dean had just got the time to catch him when he collapsed. He lifted Cas and put him on the mattress.
-Cas? Cas, are you okay?
The angel didn’t answer. He seemed to have passed out. Dean ran to the library. Sam’s eyes shot up at him, startled.
-Sam, we’ve got a problem. It’s Cas.
They both ran to the older Winchester’s bedroom to find the angel, who had woken up. Dean kneeled next to the bed.
-Cas, what happened?
-I tried to stop them, to cancel the deal. But they wouldn’t do it. So I tried to fight them, but…they had angel blades, Dean.
-Cas, don’t worry, you’re gonna be okay. We’re gonna fight those evil sons of bitches and…we’ll find a way to stop whatever’s going on, like we always do. Right, buddy?
-Dean…
Blue watery eyes stared into Dean’s.
-What Cas?
-I love you Dean, and it’s all gonna be okay.
Dean’s eyes shot wide-opened as Cas’ ones closed. A hand landed on his shoulder. He turned around and looked at his crying brother with distress.
-We’re going to gank them Dean, I promise.
Dean couldn’t think of anything else but Cas, even as he was slicing some demon’s throat. He was hurt, probably dying, in the middle of a battle involving some of the deadliest monsters in the word, and yet he was still thinking about his best friends dying words. Did he make this deal because of his love for Dean? But then, what was he gaining in this? He had said that it would be better in another dimension. But Dean was in another dimension and for him, some nearly-impossible-to-kill demons weren’t better than what he had where he was from. But then, as he was squatting to avoid another demon’s hit, he saw it. A big streak of light.
Oh no, not again.
But he knew he didn’t have another choice. So he carefully made his way to the light, avoiding demons, as Sam looked at him like he was nuts. Well maybe he was. Or maybe it was just another awfully weird dream.