Chapter Text
Changkyun flung his notepad at the wall and bit down on his lower lip to prevent himself from screaming. He clenched his fists and tried to take deep breaths in order to calm down.
He was sitting on his bed, in the room he shared with Minhyuk. Luckily, the other wasn’t there, Changkyun had the entire dorm to himself at the moment. The others were out taking full advantage of their day off, some were visiting their families and some hung out with friends. Changkyun had wanted to relax at home and maybe get some writing done. The rappers were supposed to show some new lyrics to their coach in a few days and he knew that Jooheon had finished his portion of the lines already.
Normally, Changkyun wouldn’t have any problems with his rap, the words usually came to him as soon as he had a general idea of what he wanted to say.
Today however, there had been nothing but problems. The temperature in the room was either too hot or too cold, it took him forever to find a working pen and even the whir of the computer seemed louder than usual. When he finally settled down after turning off the computer and putting on a thin sweatshirt, his mind had gone completely blank. He couldn’t write a single word and didn’t understand why.
Sure, he’d been increasingly frustrated lately because of... stuff. But that couldn’t be the reason why his brain refused to cooperate right now, could it?
He laid down and stared up at the ceiling as he thought his situation over. He knew he should tell the members, he knew that they would be okay with it. There was nothing to be afraid of.
So why did he want to cry whenever he thought about opening up to them? Why did the mere thought of them knowing the truth make him sick to his stomach?
Of course, deep down he knew exactly why. He could still remember the sneering and taunting he’d endured during his days as a trainee when he’d been exposed by someone he’d considered a friend. Changkyun had done his best to suppress those memories but sometimes they resurfaced in his dreams or whenever he let his guard down too low. He’d never told his members about any of it, he didn’t want them to start asking questions he wasn’t ready to answer. But he knew Minhyuk was onto him, he had once woken Changkyun up from a particularly bad dream and cuddled him as the younger cried. Minhyuk tried to get Changkyun to tell him what he’d dreamt but he hadn’t said anything, he couldn’t.
But if Changkyun were to ever share his secret, he would probably tell Minhyuk first.There was just something comfortable about his roommate that made Changkyun feel like he could trust the other.
Just... not yet.
With a heavy sigh, Changkyun retrieved his notebook and left the room to get something to eat. Searching through the cupboards for snacks, he heard the front door opening, followed by murmurs. Changkyun hadn’t realized it had gotten so late that the members were starting to return to the dorm.
He ventured out of the kitchen to greet whoever was back, only to be met by an unexpected sight that made his stomach churn.
Hyungwon had Hoseok pinned against the wall and their mouths were connected in a way that made Changkyun hope they would soon be heading towards one of their bedrooms. He didn’t know why, but he felt a bit queasy and started inching backwards when Hoseok tilted his head and caught sight of him. He smacked Hyungwon’s arm to get his attention and the other gave up a whine as he drew back his head, following Hoseok’s gaze.
Changkyun didn’t know what to do, he couldn’t move. So instead, he opted for a smile, which hopefully seemed natural, and gave an awkward wave.
“Welcome back”, he tried to seem indifferent but his voice sounded strained even to him.
“Yeah, um we’re back”, Hyungwon answered flustered. “Sorry, we didn’t think anyone would be home yet.”
“I spent the whole day here, so I...”, Changkyun’s voice trailed off as he tried to think of something to say.
“Oh, that’s right”, Hoseok smiled sheepishly. “We forgot about that.”
“Anyway, I was just gonna tuck in for the night”, Changkyun had regained control over his limbs and took a step back.
“It’s not even dinner time yet though?” Hoseok questioned.
“Yeah, well, I ate an early dinner and thought I would catch up on some sleep.”
Changkyun could see that Hoseok wasn’t convinced, but thankfully he refrained from saying anything and so he was able to escape to his room. He really hoped that if they decided to continue whatever they’d been doing before he interrupted, they would be in Hoseok’s room. It was further away from Changkyun’s and practically soundproof, thank god.
~~~
He should have known he wouldn’t get away with it. Ever since Hyungwon’s incident with the comments, the members were all on high alert when it came to suspicious behaviour of any kind. Apparently, lying about going to bed early was enough to warrant an interrogation.
“So Hyungwon told me you were acting weird the other night?” Minhyuk cut right to the chase as he sat down next to Changkyun on the younger’s bed.
“What night?” Changkyun feigned ignorance and tried to concentrate on his lyrics, he had managed to write a few sentences that weren’t complete garbage and wanted to keep his flow going.
“When we had our last day off, him and Hoseok came back first and you saw them making out. Hoseok apparently thought you seemed uncomfortable which led him to think that you are not completely fine with their relationship.”
“What? But I-”
“Which then made Hyungwon really anxious and he wanted me to find out if that was true”, Minhyuk finished and looked at Changkyun with steely eyes.
“It’s not”, Changkyun frantically shook his head. “That was not at all what I thought, I’m okay with them being together. I’m honestly happy for them.”
Minhyuk’s eyes softened and he placed a hand on Changkyun’s back.
“So what was it that bothered you then?”
Changkyun wanted to tell Minhyuk everything in that moment, but something held him back. He could hear the faint sound of the words thrown at him the last time he had told someone.
“I was just tired,” is what he finally settled on and Minhyuk raised an eyebrow at him.
“You are a terrible liar, just so you know.”
Changkyun swallowed and looked down at the floor.
“I can’t talk about it, not right now.”
Minhyuk stood up then, and Changkyun was afraid that he had made him angry. But the other just smiled and ruffled his hair before he turned to leave the room.
“That’s okay, just know that I’ll be here whenever you feel ready,” Minhyuk said over his shoulder.
Changkyun smiled at the retreating back as the door closed and then sighed. He had taken one step towards opening up, he’d acknowledged that there was something he wanted to talk about eventually and he knew that Minhyuk would remember that.