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***
The first time was out of silliness and neither of them dwelled on it for long. It was Sunday and the dorm was uncharacteristically quiet. Neil had already finished his night practice with Kevin and let him and Andrew disappear behind their room door before he headed towards his and Matt’s. He was tired; even though he had learned all the drills a few months ago and Kevin put the pressure on him to ensure that Neil had high chances to become great, he didn’t hold himself back when it was only the two of them on the Foxhole Court.
Every single muscle in Neil’s body was burning, but it was a sobering sensation. These sessions left him exhausted, covered in bruises in impossible places but he felt more than ever in his life. There were times when Neil thought Kevin was sent by the Devil itself to make his life impossibly difficult, but the more time they’d spent together on court at nights, the more enjoyable he found it.
Neil suppressed a yawn and reached for his keys. When he opened the door, the sour scent of caffeine hit him in the face and Neil inhaled deeply. He lived with Matt long enough to learn how to differentiate between the various kinds of coffee beans and even though it was the most useless skill he had learned during his time with the Foxes, it was something only he and Matt shared. It made Neil feel special. Like he belonged.
He knew it was quite late for having coffee, but both of them had essay dues in the next few days, which they decided to ignore for too long. Between classes and practices Neil tried his best not to fall behind with school work, but for that he needed to use the night hours too. Apparently, Matt had similar things in mind because he found him on their couch, wrapped in a blanket with his laptop on his lap. Book were scattered around him everywhere and on the small coffee table two steamy mugs.
“Hi. You look like shit,” Matt greeted Neil with a grimace on his face that made the other smile faintly. He rearranged his things a bit so Neil could sit next to him and pick up the mug that was the closest.
“Thank you” Neil said and wrapped his fingers around the body. He blew the hot liquid for a minute, then took a small, tentative sip. It was still hot, but warmed his body immediately and Neil let out a satisfied sigh. It was from New York, the same one Matt brought back after the Christmas holidays. Neil wasn’t into caffeine that religiously, but if he’d had to pick one, he’d choose ‘New York’ beans as favourites.
They didn’t talk much and after Neil finished his coffee, he collected the mugs and went to the kitchen to wash them up. In his mind he was debating over whether he should study at his desk or on the couch, next to Matt, but he figured if he gets too comfortable he’d fall asleep in a minute.
30 minutes passed in comfortable silence. Then Neil started to black out. He found a particularly tricky biology question that almost made him give up on studying all together, but then he steeled himself, scooped his textbook up and headed towards the couch. Matt was dozing off, laptop screen black with a notebook halfway his chest and the floor. Neil turned around to leave, but Matt sat up slowly, rubbing the remnants of sleepiness out of his eyes.
“I didn’t fall asleep, I swear to God. Can I help you with anything?”
Neil smiled and nodded. He sat down and waited until the other packed his stuff away and gave him his book when he asked for it. He was about to explain the problem, when Matt caught his hand that was hovering above the diagrams and charts by the wrist. He gently pressed his index and middle fingers to Neil’s palm hard enough that he had no choice but straighten his wrist. He only realized he was injured when he felt warm blood streaming around his wrist, down on his arm. The skin between his own thumb and index fingers was cut open, not too deep but deep enough to cause discomfort if he’d wanted to hold a racket tomorrow. Neil vaguely remembered reaching for one of Kevin’s shots the wrong time and the scolding he got after that, but not the injury.
It did sting now that the wound opened and Neil gritted his teeth. Matt let go of his hand, rose to his feet and headed towards the bathroom. When he returned, he was holding a small red box in his hands and gestured towards Neil to come closer.
“You shouldn’t let Kevin get away with everything. You might not be as experienced as we are, but he has no right to treat you like you’re disposable.” Neil didn’t answer and Matt didn’t push it. One thing Neil liked about the other: he was curious but never crossed the line. If Neil wanted to talk, he’d be there to hear him out, if not, he respected his silence. Unlike Nicky and the girls, Matt’s way of support was firm, but mostly silent.
Neil watched him opening a glass vile that smelled like alcohol, pouring a small amount on a cotton ball then taking Neil’s hand in his. Matt’s hand was dry and warm and familiar enough for him to calm down. It seemed like he wasn’t doing this for the first time: his movements were quick and didn’t linger on Neil’s skin more than it was necessary. After disinfecting the wound and making sure it stopped leaking blood, Matt, still not letting go of Neil’s, sank his other hand in the box and conjured a small, transparent band-aid. He put it on the wound, thumb caressing the edges to smooth them. When he finished, he lifted his hand up to inspect his work and, to Neil’s surprise and amusement, he placed a small kiss on top of the band-aid.
“For better healing.” Matt explained with a grin and Neil nodded, not having the slightest idea what the gesture really meant. When he was on the run, his mother treated his wounds, being too afraid to go to a hospital. When he got shot, he was treated thoroughly but toughly. Neil knew his mother treasured him, but keeping them alive was more important than being gentle and he couldn’t hold this against her. The other boy might have sensed his confusion and opened his mouth to give whatever explanation he had came up with, but then closed it. He grabbed on Neil’s jaw instead, caressing the skin thumb under Neil’s lower lip.
“What the hell did he do to you? Your hand is one thing, but this… Did you get into a fight?” His voice was heavy with suppressed anger. Neil sighed and looked away, trying to avoid the other’s gaze.
“We… might had a difference of opinions but it doesn’t matter. Andrew took care of it.”
“It’s easy to take care of it after the damage is done, if you ask me.”
“As I said, it doesn’t matter. I’m fine.”
“You know, the more you say this the less I believe you. Come on, at least let me disinfect it.”
Neil didn’t answer but turned towards Matt with his full body, giving him better access to his face. It was unusual; the last person Neil let this close was Abigail Winfield, the team nurse, but the circumstances were different and that time he didn’t have another choice, but to trust her. This was different; he willingly showed himself to someone who he only knew for a couple of months now and that side of his brain that still was on-run mode warned him not to do so. But Neil knew better than to be mistrustful towards his teammate. He knew what Matt was capable of; he have seen him on court countless of times and knew he was a brutal force, but he’d been proven that Matt would never lay a hand on him.
He felt the other’s large palm covering the left side of his face, holding him still while he focused on the wound on his lip. It was on the surface, it didn't even sting the way his hand did. The clean cotton ball quickly became dirty and Neil assumed it only looked bad because of the dried blood. He waited until Matt realized this as well, but the furrow between his brows didn’t disappear, even after going on with a second layer of alcohol to make sure the slit was clean.
And then Matt cupped his face with both hands and before Neil could say anything, he shifted closer and kissed him on the lips. It was a chaste kiss; warm and careful and ended before Neil could even react to it.
"For better healing as well," Matt whispered into the air between them, then finally let go of Neil and leaned back to collect the bloody cotton balls and spare bandages. He flashed Neil a brilliant smile before making his way towards the bedroom, leaving him starstruck and dazed for the rest of the night.
***
The second time it happened by instinct. In Neil’s defense, he tried to stay away or at least keep his distance from Matt, but he still didn’t know what to think. The incident didn’t seem to shake the other, he was cheerful and joking around Neil as usual and wasn’t awkward as Neil felt he’d supposed to be after an incident like this.
Matt was in love, that Neil was sure of it. When Dan and him were together, their devotion and adoration towards each other was almost palpable, Neil didn’t need to inspect to know that. And yet. As much as he wanted to appear unaffected, he couldn’t ignore his heart that, whenever the tall boy smiled at him or his gaze lingered a bit longer than necessary, skipped a beat. It was a foreign feeling and only after a week of restless nights, never-ending laps around the Tower and Kevin’s scolding whenever he missed a goal, Neil realized that he was ashamed, even though he shouldn’t be. Even though he wasn’t the one who initiated the kiss, even though it was the most innocent thing he’d ever experienced in his life that was heavy with terror, blood and violence. He also realized that he grew too fond of his teammates to ever hurt them in any way; if he’d distance himself from them, sooner or later they’d figure out that something was wrong and Neil couldn’t come up with a decent explanation. So he choose the only option he had: to act like nothing happened.
This is why Neil ended up on the couch with Matt at Friday night. The girls decided to have a night out and Andrew’s lot went to Columbia. Thanks to the lack of sleep and the night practices that somehow felt more brutal than ever, by the end of the week Neil was way too drained to join them. Matt excused himself as well and the two of them ordered food, then decided to watch a movie.
Matt took one side of the couch and Neil the other. The first 10 minutes of the movie was explaining the plot: giant monsters came from a crack at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean and humanity tried to fight back by building giant robots and made them fight each other. It was easy to follow and another 15 minutes later he felt himself sink into the fabric. Only a few inches were between him and Matt and Neil was already laying, legs hanging from the arm rest. Matt shot him a look from the corner of his eye and sighed.
"Here." Neil didn't realize when, but the other got a blanket from somewhere and was already bundled up, offering the other side of the material to Neil. It was big enough for two people, but for that Neil had to come closer to grab it. He propped on his elbow and reached out his hand. Instead of giving it to him, Matt caught his hand with both hands and rubbed it between his palms.
"You're freezing. Your fingers are almost blue."
He didn't wait for an answer. He lifted the blanket and spread it further to cover them both. Neil caught the edge and tugged on it until it hid every naked inch of his skin. Matt drew closer to him in order to prevent heat escaping under the cover and Neil frowned. He couldn’t hear the movie anymore, only his erratic heartbeat drumming in his ears. He didn’t want to leave the warmth of the other, but because of obvious reasons he didn’t want to be this close to him either.
Matt got bored way before he could decide because the next thing Neil knew was a long arm sliding around his waist, pulling him closer to his side, closing the blanket fold between them. His face was pressed against the other’s biceps, for a moment he was so surprised he forgot how to breath. He looked up at the other, but Matt glued his gaze on the TV screen, the corner of his mouth curving upwards.
Another hour passed and Neil caught himself drifting on the verge of sleeping and awakeness. He couldn’t follow the plot anymore, mostly because in the meantime Matt’s fingers found their way under Neil’s shirt, caressing the smooth skin there. His touch was gentle and light, like Matt in general, but Neil couldn’t help but tense up. He unconsciously buried his face to the other’s shoulder, inhaling the familiar cologne.
Neil knew the other wasn’t a threat but his brain didn’t. Since he was a little kid, his mother taught him to be ruthless and tough. She did everything in her power to make sure his son will survive, even on his own. And she did a great job. But she never taught him how to trust unconditionally, how to bend himself for someone else’s shape, how to live without thinking about dying all the time. The boy next to him who accepted his boundaries, let him in his life and held him close, he was everything Neil never had. He had his own demons and he was just as messed up as the others, but he learned how to be kind and bright and how to love life the way it was. Neil was drawn to him naturally and the mere thought scared him to the core. He decided long ago that he’ll live; for the sake of his mother and all of her sacrifices, but needed time to heal and learn.
“What are you thinking?” He didn’t realize when did the movie finish, only after seeing the rolling credits. He looked at Matt who was already staring at him. It was a heavy stare and Neil thought he was scanning his soul through his eyes.
“Uhm… nothing, I was just wondering... “ Neil had no clue what to say and he was hoping the other would understand regardless. He did, because he only smirked and reached for the remote.
“Is there something… anything I should know about?” Matt asked, twisting his body so his chest was pressing against Neil’s, arms caging his smaller frame. Neil looked at him again and felt his face burning up under the intense stare.
"I just…," Neil sighed and buried his face into the other's shirt. When you kissed me back then and just now like what we are doing, I don't know anything anymore. Maybe it didn't mean anything to you and I might be overcomplicating things like always, but I just don't want you or Dan get hurt because of me and this whole thing is just messing with my head because I don't know what to think and I'm confused, like… "you're confusing me."
Before Neil knew it, the confession has already slipped and he was too scared to look up and see the other's face. For a few seconds they were silent and Neil prepared himself to get up and leave when he felt Matt's fingers gently forcing his head up to look him in the eyes.
"Neil, I…" Matt tried but his voice cracked and the rest of the words never came. Neil studied his expression and couldn't read much of it. He could read his eyes however and tell instantly that Matt Boyd, always cheerful, the light of the party, the strongest and most skillful on court, was just as nervous as Neil was.
They started to move in sync.
Matt must have learned by now that Neil wasn't made of glass, that he was tougher than he looked, maybe this is why he didn't hold himself back this time. The kiss was messy and desperate. When they crashed into each other their front teeth knocked painfully and Neil tasted blood on his tongue. Matt captured his bottom lip between his teeth and gently sucked on it, earning a breathy moan from the other. Neil sank his fingers in the other’s shoulders for balance, letting him tug on his hair, to angle his head for better access to his neck.
Matt held him firmly, trailing the exposed skin with wet, open-mouthed kisses. He was considerate enough not to bruise Neil’s neck before their game, not that the other would have mind that. And then it was over in a blink of an eye. Neil buried his face on the crook of the other’s neck, panting, too embarrassed to look him in the eye. One of Matt’s arms wrapped around his waist, free hand smoothing the messy tufts of auburn hair. Silence stretched between them and it was Matt who broke it. He waited until his breath evened and when he spoke, even though Neil couldn’t see it, he knew he was smiling.
“I was worried about you. Me and Dan, we both were. I tried to give you time until you sort things out and after a few days you seemed fine, really fine but I knew I owe you an explanation. I’m sorry. I dragged you in this but I must tell you I have no regrets. I kissed you because I wanted to and because you didn’t seem to dislike it. I…” He stopped there and Neil looked up, curious. “Did you not like it?”
The concern on his face was so incongruous that under other circumstances Neil would have laughed, but since Matt sounded sincere he didn’t want to seem like he’s mocking him. He took a moment to appreciate the other boys sharp but soft features, the curve of his lips, the tiny furrow between his brows, the dark circles around his eyes.
“No,” he answered finally and he meant it. “I didn’t dislike it. I was just surprised, I guess. And the more I thought about it, the more I found myself wanting it, no matter how wrong it felt. Listen, I… I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
Matt hummed in agreement and to Neil’s surprise he let out a small chuckle. He tilted his head to examine the cobweb-like cracks on the ceiling.
“A few months ago one night I was staying in with Dan and the girls when you guys went to Columbia. We ordered pizza and drank a lot while talking about whatever. But Dan wasn’t herself, she didn’t talk that much, let alone laughing. I knew something was bothering him, so I waited until the other’s passed out and asked her. And she told me that after one of our games she kissed them. The girls, I mean. And that she felt awful since then because sometimes she wants to kiss other people but loves me so much and doesn’t want to hurt me but it messes with her brain that she had to tell me. We decided to be honest with each other, no matter how much the naked truth would hurt.” Matt sighed and tore his gaze away from the ceiling to bore his eyes into Neil’s. “And I so was relieved, you know. I thought he didn’t love me anymore or something. Then I told her I felt the same, but was too much of a coward to bring it up. She was on the verge of crying, but managed to smack me on the arm so hard. I still can feel it sometimes.”
He made a pained expression, but soon he was all smiles again.
Neil didn’t understand. “That can’t be it. What happened then?”
“Oh Neil, you don’t understand, do you? She and I… we are so alike it’s scary sometimes. I fell for her because she was sharp and funny and brutally honest. And she hated to be controlled. She put her trust in me the day she agreed to date and nothing will ever change that. Even if it’s about kissing others instead of each other. It doesn't change a thing between us. I’m still madly in love with her and she still takes everything I’m willing to give her. In other words, we both agreed on doing this. Is this what you meant?”
“Kinda.” He vaguely remembered those times when he caught Allison staring at the captain, as if she’s be the answer to all of her questions. Renee’s touch that lingered on her back longer than necessary. These things weren’t subtle, Neil couldn’t think Of course, I was so blind. They were always on display, he just decided to ignore them for the better.
“Neil?” The grip around his waist tightened.
“Hmm?”
“Can I kiss you again?”
***
The third time was different. Maybe because the others were around, loud cheering and complaints were oozing from the living room towards the kitchen, maybe because they finally came in terms with whatever was going on between them or maybe because this time Neil didn’t feel bad for wanting it.
On Saturday the girls invited themselves over for lunch and while Matt and Renee were preparing pesto pasta with chicken, Dan and Allison dragged Neil to the grocery store to buy ingredients for a simple chocolate Swiss roll.
Neil didn’t know if Dan knew about them and didn’t know what to expect from her, but his worries were groundless. Dan’s smile was bright when they met in the parking lot, she was joking around with Renee and tried to include Neil in whatever conversations the two of them had.
By the time they finished at the store and drove back to Fox Tower, the others already finished with cooking and set the coffee table in the living room. After lunch Renee decided to teach the girls some of the card games they used to play when she was still an active gang member and Dan convinced Neil to help Matt with the dessert. He decided to ignore the mischievous grin that crept on her face and made his way to the kitchen.
While Neil washed the dishes and packed away the remnants of the lunch, Matt measured all the ingredients and told Neil to sift the dry ones in a bowl. Soon the noises from outside were drowned by the buzzing of the machines and sounds of metal-on-metal.
Neil already saw Matt in uniform on court, in a suit at banquets and naked after showering. The apron was new, but he decided he liked how it looked on him. His movements were unfamiliar and skillful and Neil wasn’t surprised by that. During weekdays none of them had enough time to cook or bake, but weekends were different. Without practices and classes Neil had more time to catch up on Exy news or watch old games while Matt visited the gym or baked, sometimes from recipes but usually by heart. While brewing coffee Neil glanced at him from the corners of his eyes; he whipped the egg whites and sugar, beat the yolks with vanilla and mixed everything together. Spreading the batter shouldn’t have been that difficult for him, but Neil wanted to have a taste and every single time he tried he received an elbow in his ribs until Matt got fed up, took the mixing spoon and shoved it in Neil’s mouth, earning a dirty look from the other.
It took them almost an hour to finish with baking, rolling, filling and topping. Neil put the cake in the fridge, then shut the door and leaned on the cool surface. The kitchen smelled like melted butter, vanilla and cocoa powder, the air was heavy with heat and Neil felt sleepy.
“Oh come on,” Matt said, suppressing a yawn. He was sitting on the counter, legs swinging like a little kid’s. “You barely did anything!”
“That’s because you didn’t let me.”
“And yet, you got tired? Of what? Getting in my way all the time?”
Neil pushed himself away from the fridge and stepped closer and closer, invading the other’s personal space. He leaned forward, pressing his palms on Matt’s knees. From this close Neil could spot white flour grains in his hair, his right cheek covered with chocolate-dipped fingerprints, eyes glistening playfully. Neil tightened his grip.
“Don’t test me Matthew Donovan Boyd,” sounded the warning. Neil might be short and not as strong as Matt, but he knew where was the other the weakest and he wasn’t afraid to use this knowledge against him.
“Or else?” Matt grinned and spread his legs further apart as a silent invitations. And Neil didn’t need anything more. He stepped into the space, wrapped his arms around his neck and slotted their lips together. He was careful and slow, teasingly slow. But the other was impatient. Matt tasted like vanilla and chocolate and Neil thought he could never get enough of this; the feeling of two long arms around his waist, the warmth of the other’s mouth on his and how every single thought in his mind was replaced by him. Him and him only.
***
"Live” his mother told him once and Neil never fully got what she meant. He lived. He ran and survived and he didn’t need more. When he stopped running, he understood only then. That living doesn’t always meant not dying. It also meant being alive.
And the first time in his life, Neil felt alive.
***
(“Come on Matt, what’s taking so long?”
“How about you go and check on them instead of shouting, Allison?”
“I’m so full there’s no way I’m getting up in the near future. You’re next Renee.”
“Ace of Herz. Maybe if you’d have rejected that third plate of pasta... “
“Shut up. It was too good to leave it behind. Ah, I’m craving chocolate now. Matt!”
“Do you think they need any help Dan?”
“Nah, I know Matt’s good in the kitchen and Neil didn’t burn anything down yet, so technically they’re both capable of serving 5 portions of ice cream even on their own. They’re probably just too busy, with sucking on each other’s faces and everything.”
A heartbeat of silence.
“Busy with what?”)