Archive of Our Own

Yu doesn't speak much. Which makes everything in his life that much more difficult. Things from answering a question in class to leading a group of his peers through dungeons where they could surely be killed if they make a wrong move, it's hard for him.

It's not that he doesn't want to speak, it's that he can't. He desperately wants to talk, to make friends, to be normal , but the words never come out. He's paralyzed by his own fear. Fear that maybe he'll come off as weird and if he says the wrong thing, he's ruined all potential for a friendship . And on the off chance that he can think of what to say, he spends too much time overthinking his word choice and the other person's reaction that he misses the opportunity to say anything entirely.

So he's learned that there's no point in trying, that he should just stay silent and save everyone the trouble.

Yu doesn't speak unless he's spoken to. At least when someone speaks to him first, they're showing an interest in him. Now it's okay to say something back, because not speaking would be rude. But the words fail him yet again. He's stuck on what an appropriate thing to say to a stranger would be. Are they friendly enough for casual phrases? Do they expect him to be formal in his response, or do they expect slang? Does he have the social skill to keep the conversation going after this? Do they even want to hear anything back? Oh, come on, she just asked where you're from.

A common question, one that Yu gets to hear all too often at the beginning of every school year. After he's moved and transferred to a new place again .

Each year, Yu vows to be different, to be a new person. Nobody in this town knows him, he can be whoever he wants. He can forget all of his shyness and fears and be bubbly and enthusiastic . He can ignore the part of him that screams please stop talking, this is all wrong whenever he opens his mouth. He can ignore the wall that forms around his vocal chords when he finally gathers the courage to say something, preventing him from making even a sound, but he can't. He can't ever push past it. It's no longer in his head. He physically can't speak. So he settles for smiles and nods in place of words.

It's morning, a few days after being uprooted and placed into the small town of Inaba. Small, quiet, calm, Inaba. There's a sense of peace here, as if maybe Yu can get through this year without speaking at all. Of course there's the "welcome the new transfer student" business he gets every time, but after everyone's curiosity about him dies down, he won't need to worry about anything anymore. He had already managed to get through a few nights with his uncle and cousin, merely because they were family he had spoken to before, and his cousin wasn't much of a talker either.

However, his peace soon gets disrupted while walking on the road to school when there's a shout and then a crash not too far ahead of him. Walking up to assess the damage, he only finds a bicycle on the ground and a brown haired boy hobbling next to it. The boy looks like he's in a lot of pain, and Yu thinks about helping him, but what would he say? What would he do? So he walks past, ignoring him.

After being rudely introduced to his class by his homeroom teacher, Yu feels an unwelcome flare of rage that nearly makes him say something he might regret. Luckily, one of the girls in the class interrupts their teacher's rant and asks if Yu can be seated next to her. It comes as a relief to Yu, because he didn't have any ideas of where he could sit that wouldn't be bothering someone else.

He's quickly introduced to the girl, Chie, who only makes a few comments before leaving Yu alone.

It comes as a start at the end of the day when Chie and a friend of hers decide to take Yu on a tour of Inaba. After watching the boy from before get kicked by Chie, Yu doesn't see himself with much choice.

Thankfully, through their trip, he doesn't need to speak, he only needs a few nods here and there. Neither of the girls seem to mind.

The next few days go by in a blur. Suddenly Yu has two "friends" that constantly talk to him, insisting that he try something they heard in a rumor. After getting himself halfway stuck in the small TV of his room, he manages to say his first few words to his friends the next day.

"... I got pulled into my TV."

"You what?" Chie asks, nearly laughing herself to death. "Are you sure it wasn't a dream?"

"If it was a dream, I don't think he would've told us about it. Getting eaten by a TV isn't normally the first thing you ever say to someone, you know." Yosuke says with a wink.

"Yeah, but did that really happen? Or are you just messing with us?"

Yu shakes his head, unable to say any more.

A wordless trip to the local Junes (and scaring himself, Chie, and Yosuke half to death) later, the two believe Yu.

After the sudden death of an upperclassman from their school, Yu gets dragged along into the "TV World" with a distraught Yosuke, against his better judgement. But what are you to say when you can't talk?

Meeting another Yosuke was... New. Somehow this one talked more than the one Yu met only a few days ago and was... threatening to say the least.

There comes a time when you're supposed to comfort and calm someone down in a crisis. This was not one of those times. Watching on the sidelines with a "bear" that looks like it came straight from a bad cartoon, coupled with Yu's inability to even say "it's going to be okay" left him needing to take a different approach.

There's a subtle "I'm sorry" in Yu's eyes after punching Yosuke, but the latter doesn't notice.

He merely stays on the ground caught between wanting to ask why and watching in shock as Yu reduces his "Shadow" to nothing but a floating card. He briefly considers hugging Yu, but that would definitely be too much. He settles for talking about the fight while following Teddie and his silent but cool friend back to the entrance hall.

Yu just wants a nap.

But after that, Yosuke seems to attach himself to Yu. Going along with him to classes and club meetings, calling him "Partner" while they fight in the TV, asking to hang out after school, all the while talking Yu's ear off. Yu doesn't mind, he rarely needs to speak; all it takes is a silent nod or shake of his head, sometimes a shrug, and Yosuke will continue, seeming to understand. Yu finds it nice to just listen.

Over time, their way of wordless understanding begins to benefit the pair in the TV World.

Having to be the "leader" of the team was something Yu wasn't entirely comfortable with. He wasn't the type to shout orders, so he often left everyone to do what they felt was right during battles. Yosuke, however, had too much doubt in himself to move without guidance. Which led to him looking to Yu to tell him what to do. He couldn't understand why Yu didn't just shout, but maybe Yu thought he wouldn't be able to hear him over the music he constantly listened to while they were fighting. He was always so considerate. And soon, it only takes a flick of Yu's wrist or a look in his eye to tell Yosuke what to do or what skill to use.

It doesn't take long before Yosuke picks up on Yu's cues in the real world. When Yu gets roped into a conversation with classmates that make him uncomfortable, it only takes a shift in his shoulders for Yosuke to fake having an urgent story to tell him before dragging him away from the group and down the hall to somewhere quiet. The cues work during their own conversations as well, followed by an, "Oh! Sorry, man..." and Yosuke quickly changing the subject.

Months go by, and while Yu is able to speak exponentially more than he used to, he still can't find himself able to say or do what he wants. He knows its normal to tell friends that you care about them and that it's normal to hug them, but he can't bring himself to do either of those things.

Which is exactly why he finds himself completely and utterly stuck. He had grown extremely fond of Yosuke over the past few months, and even he knew this wasn't a regular fondness that normally comes between friends. He starts to wonder if maybe... he's got a crush on him.

How would he go about doing anything about that? "Hey I still can't initiate any conversations with you but I want you to know I'm in love with you." That was wrong. He couldn't do that. And who's to say that Yosuke even feels the same?

He probably didn't. Putting himself in Yosuke's shoes, Yu tries to see how he would feel.

If you were the sole person keeping up contact with a friend every day, would you love them back? After always being the one to text first and the only one out of the two who made an effort to speak, would you love them back? Even when they never come up to you in public places to talk, invite you out, or even say hello? Even when the only time they stop and talk to you in the hallways is when you grab their arm and stop them from walking away? Even when they never have anything to add to the conversation other than nods and "yeah"s? Even when you still don't know what their favorite color is?

Yu sits back, mumbling to himself. "I'm such a fool."

Yosuke probably didn't even consider him a friend. Most of his interactions with him were likely out of pity. To someone on the outside, Yu looked like he didn't want anything to do with anybody. Everyone that tries to speak to him gets turned away by his silence, thinking he's ignoring them. Even the others in the Investigation Team seemed to have a hard time putting up with him. Sure, he could talk to them all, but with a high degree of difficulty.

If only they knew what he was dealing with. But how would they know if he couldn't tell them? Maybe he owed everyone an apology. An apology for being a half-assed leader, for only being a liability to everyone, for never being able to say what's on his mind even though he desperately wants to, and for just being him. He's pathetic. He knows. But at least... If he told them... They might not think so badly of him anymore. They'd just see him as some mute guy who deserved to get thrown around the country constantly instead of the stuck up asshole they saw him to be. But there was no reason to expect forgiveness. It was all his fault.

He decides to call Yosuke first. At least with him, he was the most likely to understand. And maybe, if he didn't decide to cut ties with him after realizing how pathetic Yu is, he might try to help the rest of their friends understand.

Cringing and shaking, Yu nervously presses the call button. He had never called someone first other than his parents, but they didn't count. And there was no guarantee that he'd be able to talk in the first place.

The phone only rings three times before Yosuke answers. "Yu? You never call m-"

"I'm sorry." Yu chokes out. Wrong timing, wrong timing!

"What?" Yosuke asks, stunned.

"I'm sorry. For everything."

"Sorry? What for? Yu, what did you do? Why did you call me?"

Yu wants to tell him why, but he can't. Not now, please just let me get it out.

"Is everything okay?" There's concern in Yosuke's voice.

Yu's response is immediate. "No."

"No? What's going on?"

He can't... get the words out.

There's shuffling on the other line for a minute before Yosuke speaks again. "Yu, I can't help if you don't tell me what's going on. You're at home, aren't you? I'm on my way there now. Just... Don't do anything stupid in the meantime."

"You do-" Yu gets cut off by Yosuke hanging up. Crap ! Yosuke was coming here. In the middle of the night. And Yu knows he's going to demand an explanation.

Why did he have to do that?! He could've just texted Yosuke so he could take his time rewording every message, but instead he called him. Stupid, pathetic Yu was about to ruin a perfectly good friendship, and there wasn't anything he could do to prevent it. He always did this. He always had to sabotage everything by telling people information they didn't need to know. And it always ended in disaster; having one less person to confide in and getting new rumors spread about him. However, those were always true.

Already defeated, Yu lays down face-first on his futon, letting a few tears slip and seep into his pillowcase. Maybe if he pretended to be asleep, Yosuke would realize everything was okay and leave as to not disturb him. Then Yu could retry explaining everything when he felt more capable of doing it.

And, ten minutes later, Yu still isn't prepared when his door swings open and Yosuke bursts in, a worried mess.

"Yu! Your uncle said you looked perfectly fine earlier. What's wrong?" Yosuke shuts the door and quickly walks over and stops in front of Yu's futon.

His feigning-sleep plan would have worked, had he not hiccuped while trying to keep his sobbing silent.

"Yu?" Yosuke puts a hand on his shoulder, making Yu roll over to face him. After seeing his tear-stricken face, Yosuke grabs Yu’s other shoulder and pulls him up into a sitting position. “What’s wrong?” He asks, softly.

Yu tries to compose himself, but fails miserably. “I… can’t…”

“Hmm? You can’t what? You can’t tell me?”

Yu shakes his head, but then nods. “I really can’t…”

“Why not? Is it that bad?”

“No… I can’t do this.”

Yosuke stares at him confusedly. “What can’t you do? Is it something I can help with?”

“No. It’s not you...:”

Yosuke lets go of Yu’s shoulders, standing up suddenly. “Is it someone at school? Did something happen there? I swear I’ll-”

“It’s nobody else. It’s me.” Yu admits.

“You? What are you talking about?”

“I… I can’t… Talk.” Yu hangs his head shamefully.

“I don’t think I understand.”

Yu has to make an effort to not run out of his room right then and there. “Sit, please…” He shifts to make room for Yosuke, who sits down next to him. He tries again. “I can’t talk… to anyone.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m just… Not able to talk to anyone ninety-five percent of the time. I want to, but I can’t.”

“Why not?”

Yu looks back at him, feeling more tears threaten to fall. How was he supposed to explain what tore him up inside every day of his life? This was too much. “I don’t know… It’s stupid, it’s nothing.”

“You say that but you don’t look okay at all.” Yosuke moves his hand to Yu’s shoulder and gives a reassuring squeeze. “It’s not stupid if it’s bothering you this much.”

Yu shakes his head. “It is, though. You won’t want to listen.”

Yosuke sits back, looking at him disapprovingly “I won’t want to listen? This is the most you’ve ever spoken to me in the whole time I’ve known you. I talk all the time and you just listen quietly, man. I want to listen to what you have to say. And I don’t know what you’ve got going on, but I want to be able to help you. So tell me.”

No way. I’ll say too much, he’ll think I’m weirder than he already does. I should’ve called someone who didn’t mean this much to me… “But this is dumb.”

“Yu.”

“Fine…” How was he supposed to say this…? He doesn’t even know how to say hello properly, let alone this. “It’s something like, no, it is like I’m… afraid.”

Yosuke’s eyes widen. “Of?”

“Everything.” And Yu can’t hold it all in anymore. One tear falls, and then another.

“Whoa, hey, it’s okay! Don’t cry.” Yosuke quickly pulls Yu into a tight hug, which only causes him to fall apart at the seams.

“I can’t… d-do… this…” Yu whispers in between sobs against Yosuke’s shoulder. “It’s too much… Everything is too much… I just want to be n-normal...”

“Normal as in what?” Yosuke gently rubs circles on Yu’s back in an attempt to calm him down enough to speak.

Without his common-sense-filter to stop him, everything comes spilling out all at once. “Being able to say what I want... Being able to do what I want... I’m too.. afraid of what people might think of me… If I say the wrong thing... or do something stupid… I’m not interesting enough to have much to say anyway so w-what else do I talk about…? I can’t even manage to say hello to anyone… I physically can’t do it... Any time I talk I just… Have to give myself an hour long pep talk but by then the opportunity is gone… It’s pathetic and I know it is but I can’t change it no matter how much I try and I know you and everyone else in the team probably hate me for looking like I don’t care or that I hate you but I can’t… help it…” Yu starts to cry harder. “I want to talk to all of you and be a b-better friend and a better person because you all really mean a lot to me but… I know n-none of you feel the s-same or even like me for that matter. You don’t have to say it... I’m an idiot for all of this and should just forget about everyone and disappear until I have to go back home...”

“...That’s… A lot to process.” Yosuke admits.

And it begins. Everything ends here. Tomorrow I’ll wake up without a best friend and probably no other friends… As if I could even call him a friend in the first place. I’ve been nothing but shitty to everyone.

“You really are an idiot.”

“What?” Yu mumbles. Here we go. You can say that you hate me. I won’t mind.

“You know we all care about you.” Yosuke pulls away from Yu but keeps his hands on his shoulders. “You’re our leader. If we didn’t want you around we wouldn’t bother talking to you.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re obligated to.”

“Am I? I could walk out that door right now if I wanted to. But I’m not doing that. I’m still right here. Do you know why?”

“Because you pity me?” Yu deadpans.

“No. Shut up.” Yosuke’s grip on his shoulders tightens. “I’m here because I care. I care about you and if you’re okay. But, I don’t care if you’re probably mute or whatever. You can talk, and you do care about me and the others, right?”

“Yes but, mostly you.”

“What?” Yosuke suddenly pulls his hands back, surprised.

What? “N-nothing, sorry… it just slipped out.”

“What was that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing…? What were you saying?” Yu tries to shift the subject.

“Um… I don’t remember…” Yosuke looks at the floor sheepishly. “Oh! I asked if you care about us.”

“And I said I did.”
“Yeah. Right. Anyway, that’s all that matters. You’re not going to lose us that easily. I’ll even tell them what’s going on for you if you want me to so you can work on this.”

“You can…? That would be nice, thank you…”

“No problem. And…” Yosuke leans back, propping himself up. “You’re talking to me easier now, aren’t you? You don’t seem as hesitant.”

“Ah.” He hadn’t noticed that. “I guess so… I can kind of talk normally?”

“That’s good!” Yosuke flashes a grin. “You have to be pretty comfortable for you to admit you care about me, huh?”

Yu’s face immediately flushes. “I wasn’t thinking when I said that.”

“Maybe you should think less often. It’s pretty flattering to hear that from you.”

“You think?”

“Yeah! Maybe it’ll get you to talk more about how you feel.”

“I don’t think it will…” Yu admits.

“Well, you never know. But…” Yosuke glances at the clock sitting on the shelf by the TV. “If you’re doing better now, I should probably go back home… Don’t want my parents worrying about me.”

“You didn’t tell them you were coming here?”

“To be honest I didn’t even tell them I was leaving.”

“Oh.” Yu says, disappointed. He didn’t mind being able to talk to someone face-to-face for a change. “Well, I’m okay now. Thank you for coming over… I needed it.”

“You’re welcome.” Yosuke smiles while standing up. “Hey, if you ever need me for anything, just call me or something, okay? If I can get out of the house I’ll be here in a heartbeat, you know. I’ll always make time for you.” He starts to make his way to the door.

But those words send Yu over the edge, and he stops Yosuke before he opens it. “Yosuke…?”

“Hmm?” Yosuke turns around.

Yu stands, taking a deep breath. What was he doing? This is ridiculous. There’s no way I can say it…

So he takes the other route instead. Walking up to Yosuke with a very-much-fake confidence (and pushing all of his mind’s protests out of the way), Yu stops in front of him. “I don’t know how to say this, but…” Without waiting for a response from Yosuke other than a confused sound, Yu grabs him by his shirt collar and pulls him closer, gently kissing him for only a second before pulling away and letting go.

Yosuke stands for a moment, dumbfounded. “You…”

Yu suddenly panics. “I’m sorry! I don’t know wh-”

“It’s okay. I know what you meant.” Yosuke pushes away a section of Yu’s hair before softly kissing his forehead.

“Y-you do?”

“Mmhmm. I like you too.” Yosuke smiles, and Yu notices the tips of his ears turn red.

“You…!!” Yu can hardly look at him. In what universe was this possible…? But there’s no point in worrying about that now. “I’m sorry I did it like that…”

“Sorry? Don’t say that. I wouldn’t have expected anything different. Well. If I was expecting this in the first place.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I guess you’re just one of those people that proves that actions speak louder than words.” Yosuke shrugs.

Yu cocks an eyebrow. “Is that a joke about me?”

“Yeah.” Yosuke laughs. “I hope you can stand the other ones I have, because there’s been a change of plans.”

“What?”

“You still think I’m leaving? I want my turn to talk now, I’ve got a lot to say to you that I couldn’t say before. You know, kinda like you.” Yosuke steps around Yu, heading to the couch.

“...Like me? I didn’t know that happens to you too...”

“Yeah! It happens to everyone, you just aren’t there to hear about it. Now come on, sit back down.”