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Kris stood in the doorway that led to Adam’s recording studio. He tried to move but couldn’t, all he could do was stare at Adam’s reflection in the glass plane as Adam’s vocals drowned his senses.
Adam had his eyes closed and his body was angled toward the spectacular view of the floor to ceiling windows that rounded the studio. Which left Adam with his back slightly toward the door. Adam was singing “Ain’t No Sunshine”. Kris smiled faintly as he heard Adam change she into he but his smile ended there. He’s been listening to Adam sing for the last 10 years.
He’s never heard Adam like this.
He’s never heard Adam’s vocals sound so full of pain, so full of gut wrenching despair, and a wretched aloneness that seem to have no equal. Adam’s voice was so heavy with longing that Kris feels like he’s back at Red Rock playing and singing in the middle of a summer heat wave, right at noon, and just before a thunderstorm. When the air is so thick with humidity, and it was so hot that moving was tiring, and it hurt to breathe.
He’s never heard Adam let go like this.
It stirs something deep in his soul. Dramatic much but hearing Adam sing like this evokes and provokes. He dares anyone to listen to Adam and not be moved. Everything in Kris wants to go to Adam, wrap him up in his arms and ease this pain away.
He doesn’t, he can’t, and there are too many reasons why he won’t. At this moment he really can’t remember what those reasons are but he knows when he’s thinking again he will remember them and then everything he's built would shatter and the shards would cut everyone.
Kris does the only thing he can do he stands there and soaks in Adams pain. He closes his eyes and let’s it drown him. Until he’s heaving with breaths so harsh and sharp that it shocks his senses.
He backs away slowly from the recording booth.
He feels like he just stepped into one of Adam's most hidden feelings. He doesn’t want to assume that Adam’s even singing about him. But this song, at this moment, at this time leads him to believe it is about him. He’s known Adam a long time. He’s knows Adam about as well as he knows himself and he’d be lying to himself if he didn’t acknowledge how similar they were when they chose to deal with their issues. They channel it into whatever they sing.
Kris doesn’t want to see Adam’s pain. He knows how horribly selfish that is and he has prayed about it. Prayed for forgiveness, prayed for the strength to let go, prayed for a way out of this triangle that does not destroy any of them.
He wants to pretend that Adam’s alright.
He needs to believe that Adam is happy. Adam has to be living the life he wants, the way he wants, it’s the only way Kris can be with Adam. It’s the only way that Kris can be Kris with Adam. Anything else is way too complicated.
Adam hits a high note and it brings him back to the present. He had been expected but his flight arrived early and he headed straight over. He’s long since had the keys and codes to Adam’s place and vice versa. They’ve had an open door policy since Idol.
Now he thinks he should have called when he knew he was coming in earlier than expected. As Kris backs up the hallway he thinks about what he should do. He slinks back up the stairs; his thoughts in overdrive as he tries to figure out what he wants to do rather than what he should do.
When he had arrived he was somewhat disappointed that Adam wasn’t already at the door ready to greet him. He remembers shaking his head when he realized how ridiculous that gripe was. He went in search of his friend. After a quick look around the first level proved fruitless, he travelled upstairs. He smiled when he saw Adam’s bed was hastily made, the walk in closet was open, and the dressing area was littered with shoes, boots, shirts, and jackets in a carefully organized mess that only Adam could figure out. Shaking his head Kris headed down the hall.
He dropped his bags off in his room and then decided to get comfy. After throwing on a pair of soft, cotton, black sleep pants and a thin, old white v neck T-shirt he padded barefoot down to the lower level. He paused when he heard the melody to a very familiar song. Smiling when he realized Adam was probably caught up in some music.
Kris walked down to the studio; the low volume of the speakers outside the booth snuck up on him and then wrapped him in sound. When Adam told him he was building a professional recording studio in his basement, he admitted to being a bit stunned, and just a teeny bit jealous he didn’t think of it when he had his house built. Adam said when he died he wanted his spirit to keep living like Tupac, hence there to fore the studio in the basement was a must.
Kris didn’t call Adam’s studio a basement because no basement he knew had floor to ceiling windows. Adam lived on a mountain top in Bel Air so the bottom floor was on the side of a hill overlooking the city. The first level or entrance level had what he liked to call the public rooms but the second and bottom level were the private rooms. When Adam entertained the upper and lower levels were always locked.
Kris is still on the stairs thinking about what he should do. He’s not ready to have this conversation. He hasn’t been ready to have this conversation for the last ten years. So he’s going to do what he always does and avoid it. Decision made he walks down the stairs with purpose calling out. “Adam, where are you?”
He turned round the corner calling, “Adam?” Smiling when he sees Adam looking up and the head phones around his neck. Don’t tell him that they don’t know how to act. If Kris hadn’t seen it he would never have known that moments ago Adam had been pouring his heart out on the floor.
“Hey, you’re early!”
“Yeah, the flight made extremely good time and the 405 was unusually clear.”
Taking off the headphones Adam leaves the booth and pulls him into a long, bone-crushing hug. Kris hugs back just as tightly.
Adam eyes narrow a bit as he studies Kris’ form critically. “You are getting too thin. Let’s get some food in you.”
“Adam, I’m fine. Now if you want to eat you just go ahead. “
“Ha and ruin all of this hard work. Not a chance.”
They let go of each other but both of them keep an arm around the other’s waists. Kris tightens his arm around Adam’s waist.
“Well, I thought you were fine before this.” He waves his other hand in an up and down motion in front of Adam’s form. “Now, though I may admit that the this new trainer may have something.” Kris could feel the muscle all along the side that’s pressed against Adam.
Kris didn’t have to look to see Adam’s grin of delight! “Why Kristopher I do believe that is a compliment.”
“Yeah, it kinda was.”
In response Kris suddenly finds himself lifted up in the air and tossed over Adam’s shoulder. Kris can’t stop the small yelp that escapes him from the unexpected move. He’s got one hand on Adam’s hip while the other one is braced on his lower back and the swell of Adam’s ass as to not smash his face against Adam’s back. He can’t help but feel that Adam is more built, and toned, than he’s ever been. Then suddenly finds himself thrown on the couch in the living room.
“What are you? Five!” Kris yells. To which Adam just laughs louder.
Where Kris retaliates by launching his self at Adam and using his vast knowledge of Adam’s anatomy to get right to the ticklish spots. The added bonus is he gets to feel Adam up. His secondary focus is alert as he takes in all the changes. Adam’s stomach is tighter and there’s less to pinch. Kris doesn’t know if he’s happy about that yet.
Adam's scream reaches deafening levels as Kris ups his attack. Kris is using a bit more bodily force and ironically lighter touches to evoke the loudest responses. He wants Adam helpless from laughter. It doesn’t help that Kris is having a hard time focusing on his own goal because he can't stop laughing as Adam curls into a ball in effort to protect his stomach.
Suddenly Kris finds himself on his back as Adam finds enough breath to unfairly use his body to sequester him. After a half hearted struggle to get loose on his part they fall into each other in a pile of giggles.
Adam leans up and looks into Kris’ eyes, one hand on his chin, and the other on Kris’ chest. “Damn, I’ve missed you.”
Kris can hear a melody of emotions in that statement. He stops smiling, the fading sounds from Adam’s song reasserts its self into his memory and he doesn’t know if his own voice echos his jumble of emotions as he responds in kind. “And I you.”
Adam takes a deep breath, slides a bit further down on the couch, and presses his face into Kris stomach and Kris runs his fingers through Adam’s hair and they both take comfort in the solid presence the other provides.
Kris doesn’t know how long they stay like that but the next thing he knew he was waking, it was dim, he could feel he was in a bed, and he belatedly notices his arms are wrapped around Adam. Adam’s head is resting on his chest, one hand is tangled in Adam’s hair, and the other is resting on Adam’s back.
Kris breaths out. This is not the first time this has happened. It usually happened when they had been away from each other for months at a time. Kris never really thought about the why. Although the thought of it not happening causes him to tighten his grip a bit. Which he immediately lets up when he hears a muffled sound from Adam.
Kris is happy to lay in what he now realizes is Adam’s bed and soak up this feeling. As always with Adam everything feels right. He is settled, he is soothed, but more over he knows he is loved.
With a soft sigh Kris releases his hand from where it is sunk in Adam’s hair. As he does so a ray of light hits his ring.
Kris raises his left hand and looks at the platinum ring on his finger.
The ring means so much.
Well, truth is the ring has been assigned so much meaning. It’s been 10 years and he wonders if he’s actually been living up to all this ring represents.
With this ring I thee wed. A promise he made to Katy. To have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part, he wonders how many of those vows he has broken?
He laughs silently to himself, cause he wonders what part of the vows does the situation he finds himself in covers? Would this be under for better or for worse? Maybe it falls under richer or poorer?
The vows don’t cover what to do if you ever fall in love with anyone else.
There was no doubt in his mind that he was in love with both Katy and Adam. He didn't recognize it at first. As weeks turned into months, that turned into years; it dawned on him that he was in love with Adam just as much as he was with Katy. He hadn't thought it was possible. Katy was supposed to be it. He had lucked out and found the other half of soul in his teens. He had grabbed on tight and didn't let go.
Then his brother asked, dragged, guilt-tripped him into cross-country road trip that changed his life. The experience that was Idol happened and the world he knew was gone. It was replaced by the lights, fans, money, and fame. Idol catapulted him into limelight and stardom. Gone was anonymity and the boredom of normalcy .
He also met Adam.
After Kris met Adam he realized that there really was no order to things.
The plan was find the girl, get married, get the good job, get the house, have 2 kids, get a dog, watch the kids grow up, send them to college, retire, travel the world, and be the best grandparents ever.
He didn't realize that God had a slightly different plan in mind for him. If by slightly you mean never in this lifetime could he have ever imagined or believed his life would be like this, then yeah, God had a slightly different plan.
He truly believed that God never gave him more than he could handle. In his life he never knew who the ultimate test was; Katy or Adam. He was slightly ashamed that he’d never had the courage to take the test.
He promised himself to Katy. He spoke the vows and every time he looked at his ring. He could hear the strength and conviction in which he spoke.
Maybe it was arrogance, or confidence, or hubris, that found himself in this place. It could have been the way he had dared to believe in the fact that there was no man that could tear asunder their love.
He was so secure in his love for Katy he knew there could never be a woman who could tempt him. He was as red-blooded as every other male. He just knew what he had with Katy wasn’t worth losing for something as simple as a fuck. Just as he knew that there could be no woman that could take her place. He knew that there was no man that could take his place in her life. There was never any doubt, it was one of the reasons he proposed.
Never, ever did he expect Adam. He had never given any member of the same sex more than a passing glance. He was secure enough that he could see the attractiveness in other men. He just had never had a visceral response to men as he did with women. The bounce of a woman’s breasts or the curve of a woman’s hips was enough at times to spark a stirring. The strength of the body or the curve of a man’s mouth never sparked as much a shiver until he met Adam.
He never dreamed that he would be the one tempted to stray. He never thought that his vows would be tested by a six foot one, well built man, with a voice that could be called angelic. He didn’t know he’d be tempted by a man who was just as beautiful inside as he was outside. Adam’s heart was bigger than his voice. That’s saying something. For all inclusive purposes of this mental exercise Kris was engaging in; whose personal integrity was greater than Kris could have ever imagined.
There were a few times where he was so caught up in the moment he would have unthinkingly broken his vows, he and Adam knew, he would have hated himself for it later. Each time Adam pulled him up, gave him a shake, and then emotionally slapped him straight. Adam refused to be that person. That level of integrity humbled him. He had come to respect Adam all the more for it.
Kris knows he’s smiling as one memory comes to the fore.
One night on the last leg of the Idol tour they had snuck out. It had been 5 concerts in a row. No down time and they had just traveled between 3 states in less than 6 days. Everyone was crotchety and they all needed some space.
Adam and Kris made a break for it when the bus finally stopped for the night. They were on one of the coastal cities and the bus parked a few blocks from what looked like a private beach. They ditched the group and security. They walked along the edge of the parking lot until they found a break in the chain link fence and walked until there were no buildings or buses in sight. For the first time in months they were alone.
The ocean was calm and the sea air was invigorating as it was soothing. They propped themselves up on a sand bar. He was curled up in the V of Adam's legs. His back leaning on Adam’s chest. It was a bit colder than he had realized, and Adam had wrapped his arms around him when he had shivered. It was well after midnight, dark, and the light from the moon was the only illumination.
Kris had turned to look at Adam and Adam’s face in the moonlight glowed. He surged up to kiss him but Adam leaned back and suddenly Adam’s fingers were on his lips. Confused and a little hurt at Adam’s rejection; Kris asked with out asking what the hell.
Adam leaned forward and rested his forehead against his; Adam’s arms tightened around him.
“Don’t do this to me.” Adam whispered. “Don’t make me that person. Don’t make me the one that comes between you and the truth.” Adam tightened his arms around him and then one of Adam’s hands was traveling down his left arm. Then Adam gently took his hand and brought it to his lips and Adam’s eyes were trained on his as a whisper of Adam’s lips kissed his wedding ring. Then Adam continued his thought, “I’ve spent most of my life trying to be who I am, honestly. Don’t turn me into someone I’d hate.” Adam’s breath was soft against his lips. Kris remembers the soft trembling that he felt in Adam’s frame. “Cause for you baby, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do, no one I wouldn’t become, and it fucking scares me how easily I would do it.”
Kris was stunned at Adam’s admission. He was overwhelmed by the amount of power he had over this dominating person. The thrill it gave him was doused by the awesome responsibility he realized he now had.
After that Adam had turned him to face the water and they stayed like that. He was wrapped in Adam’s arms. At some point he had fallen asleep and he woke with Adam looking down at him with a small smile on his face. Reluctant to go but knowing that they had to. Kris stood up and offered his hand. Adam took it and he pulled Adam into the biggest hug.
He remembers walking back to the tour bus hand in hand. Not letting go even as they climbed into the bus. He remembered the stunned silence as everyone stared at the two of them. He remembers smiling so hard it hurt and Adam smirking like he knew the biggest secret in the world.
Kris was reluctant to give up Adam’s touch but he could see the wariness in his frame and the tiredness in Adam’s eyes. He realized Adam had kept watch over him during the night. He turned to face Adam and stood up on the tips of his toes, he grasped the side of Adam’s face, gently tugging Adam's head toward his lips, ignoring the gasps from a few of the others, he tilts his face up lips pursed as he slowly bypassed Adam's lips to press a chaste kiss on Adam’s forehead. He speaks softly, “Rest now, I’ll wake you in time for sound check.” Adam nodded and then pulled him close, both hands wrapped around his waist. Kris still remembers the feel of Adam’s warmth and strength in his body as the idea of space between them was non-existent. Adam whispered in his ear, which also had the affect of looking like they were kissing. “Don’t tease them too much!”
Kris ignored the choking sounds he was hearing. He couldn’t be sure if it was Danny or Matt.
Adam slipped by him and Kris kept watch as Adam pulled the curtain partially closed, pulled off his clothes, pulled on a pair of sleep pants and climbed on to the top bunk.
Once Adam was settled he turned back to face the others who where still in various states of shock. He sighed gratefully when he saw the small coffee maker full. He made a cup and sat at the small table. A small smile on his lips as he thought about the past few hours. Kris looked up and wondered how long it would take anyone to ask.
He smiled as he realized he would never been able to face them if anything actually happened last night. He hadn’t been thinking about consequences, he hadn’t been thinking about the deception all of them would have been pulled into. He wonders if Adam had thought of all that? Knowing Adam he probably had. Kris chuckled to himself as he realized how much of his 24 years he really was.
Now ten years later, he’s in a different but same place. There is so much between them that the impossibility of their relationship is not lost on him. He loves this man soul deep, yet he is married and to the best of his ability he has tried honor his vows faithfully.
After all this time he gets to consider how selfish he’s actually been. Getting a glimpse of Adam’s pain has forced him to acknowledge his part in all of this. He’s hasn’t been able to let Adam go. It’s time he faces reality. He needs Adam like he needs air.
Lying here in this bed wrapped in Adam’s scent, Adam’s warmth, Adam’s acceptance, and most of all Adam’s love. He can no longer pretend that Adam’s okay with the status quo. He himself is tired of it. He’s tired of holding back with Adam. He’s tired of not being able to have what he wants. Kris mentally rolls his eyes as he recognizes yet again how selfish he's being.
With a glance at the clock he finds it’s early evening. Enough time to get up make some dinner and over some alcohol have a very frank talk with one Adam Lambert.