Work Text:
The bottle of maple mead looked very inviting. That stark fact, more than anything else, convinced Count Ivan Vorpatril Voralys that matters had come to a critical point. He looked at his companions around the occasional table set near the roaring fire in his cousin’s library.
“You can take that look off your face right now,” he snapped at the third man present, “or you’re out on your ear, Byerly. You’re here to help, not gloat.”
Byerly Vorrutyer covered his mouth with a graceful hand in a vain attempt to hide the smile on his face. Ivan glowered at him. “Your eyes are still smirking.”
“Well, you have to admit it’s funny.”
“It is not funny. When I was Padma’s age I had no prospects apart from imminent death, no commitments and no idea. He’s had his father’s guidance for over seventeen years. The situation is nothing like mine.”
Lord Auditor Miles Vorkosigan poured the maple mead all round. He was loving every minute of this. Ivan ground his teeth. He should have known better than to ask for their help, but it was the Vorkosigan’s laundry maid Padma had been caught swiving, as Roic had so delicately put it. There hadn’t been nearly as many motion sensor alarms when Ivan had been growing up. Who would have thought the Vorkosigans had one in their attic? Actually, on second thoughts, of course they would have one in the attic. Probably a lot more than one, truth be told.
His cousin started sniggering. When he could control himself he laid out the problem. “So, you’re here for our advice. You want to tell Padma not to chase the maids without making a howling hypocrite of yourself. Is that right?”
Ivan swallowed his shot of maple mead and reached for the bottle. “I do not want to tell Padma any such thing. He didn’t exactly chase her, either, as far as I can make out. I’ve got orders to tell Padma to keep his er…hands to himself and his fly fastened.”
“Mamère?” Miles cocked an eyebrow at him.
Ivan sighed. “You forget. Mamère isn’t on planet. It’s worse. It’s Marie. If I don’t do it she’s going to. She gave me a lecture on consent and power imbalance that had me looking for the nearest exit.”
Byerly’s face softened. “Marie’s such a champion. Whatever else you’ve failed at, Ivan, you’ve done a brilliant job there.”
He spluttered. “Failed? What have I failed at? We’re all still alive, aren’t we? I have a District I never wanted and is now thriving, I provided you with a respectable living when you were in the gutter, and I have six wonderful children and a loving wife.”
Miles topped up the glasses. “And a very randy son and heir.” He sniggered again. “I can’t think where he got that from. Proper chip off the old block he is. Perhaps all Padma needs is to learn a bit of discretion. Not that you ever did.”
“And how discreet were you when you were seventeen?” Ivan asked. “You were giving Sergeant Bothari worse nightmares than the ones he gave himself, if I recall.”
Byerly stepped into the breach to end a suddenly frosty silence. “Have you talked to the girl, Miles?”
The Lord Auditor broke eye contact with his cousin to answer. “She’s not a girl. She’s twenty years old and apparently is delighted to have won the pool. There were four of them in on it. They all drew a name out of a hat.”
Both Ivan and Byerly stared at him. “They what?”
“They drew for Alex, Belpierre, Padma and Xav.” The first one to conquer one of the fabulous four won fifty marks. She was quite unrepentant. There was no chance of getting Xav on his own, of course. They probably thought twice about lining up Alex, but Padma was fair game.”
“They’d be wasting their time with Belpierrre.” Byerly had started to smile again. “Unless, of course, one of the four of them is something other than female.”
Ivan had had his suspicions. Trust By to confirm them without a shred of concern. “Is he sure? He’s only eighteen, isn’t he? Almost the same age as Alex and Xav.”
“Any son of Sela Thorne is quite sure of his sexuality, thank you very much.” By’s eyes had crinkled again.
“Getting back to Padma,” Miles brought them back on track, “apart from him thinking all his Winterfairs had come at once, what else was he thinking?”
“He wasn’t thinking with his brains, that’s for sure.” Ivan gloomily regarded the bottom of his glass. “And it’s not Winterfair for another four days.”
Byerly reached for the bottle and poured all round, neatly extracting Ivan’s glass from his unresisting fingers. “I think we’re turning a molehill into a mountain. Any randy adolescent would grab a chance like that with both hands. Sexual experimentation has been happening for thousands of years, after all. What, exactly, is the problem?”
Miles shrugged. “Nothing, in my opinion, except Alex and Xav and Belpierre are probably all insanely jealous.”
“What if she goes to the press?” Ivan could just imagine the gossip.
“And says what? Every employee signs a confidentiality agreement before they set foot in Vorkosigan House. Surely you do the same at your place?”
“My place?” Ivan thought of Voralys House, the District House and his weekend getaway in Rotherhall. His domestic employees ran into three figures. It was true. Gossip didn’t get out. If he’d thought about it at all, he’d have said his employees were loyal, but perhaps it wasn’t just loyalty. “So we just ignore this and pretend it never happened? Is that what you’re saying? Marie won’t like that.”
Byerly’s expression turned to that mix of malicious enjoyment and pure amusement he did so well. “You should ask the Vicereine for help, Ivan. Failing that, your two best armsmen are married to Betans. Keep the problem in house, no one the wiser. Failing all that, of course Sela will help.”
“I’ll know who to blame if Aunt Cordelia gets wind of this.” He paused, thinking. “But you’re right. Flora and Marcus Fox have got that tribe of boys. Fiona and Adrian Walton have got another two. They all seem very well-adjusted, plus Padma plays on the New Sheffield cricket team with them. He knows Ma Fox really well.”
Miles had been thinking also. “You haven’t mentioned Raine in all of this. She’s his mother, after all. Why doesn’t she talk to him?”
Ivan felt his ears go warm. “We have an agreement. I don’t want Lord Vordagger dragged into this. I can just see it happening.”
Byerly cracked up laughing “Surely he should be Count Vordagger by now? Or is he going to end up Lord Vordagger the long in the tooth instead of just Lord Vordagger the long?”
Ivan ground his teeth, again. “Not helpful, Byerly. Raine and Marie are heading off to Beta with Wally and Aceline the day after Winterfair. She’s got enough to deal with right now with a three planet publicity tour on top of everything else.”
Miles sat up straight. “You’re never letting her go to Eta Ceta on her own?”
“Of course not. It’s Sergyar, Escobar and Beta, but she doesn’t need complications, not just at present. Wally’s not at all well. We need to get him to Beta for treatment. He’s just hanging on for the end of the celebrations. You know what he’s like. He wouldn’t complain if he was on death’s door. He didn’t want to put a dampener on Winterfair and I don’t want him worried now. Aceline is doing enough worrying for everybody.”
“Fair enough.” The Lord Auditor tented his fingers and pursed his lips. “I’ll talk to Padma. It was my house, after all.”
“And say what? Congratulate him on his success?”
Miles shrugged. “Why not? Or I’ll go through the archives and find those dreadful vids my mother subjected us all to. That should fix him.”
Ivan shuddered. “He doesn’t need cruel and unusual punishment. The efficient and responsible use of prophylactics. Do you remember?”
The maple mead was beginning to make its mark on his cousin. Miles giggled. “How can we ever forget? It made an indelible scar on my psyche.“
“Oh, is that what it scarred?” Ivan thought back. “It wasn’t the responsible part that was so bad. It was the efficient part, with all the different examples. Do you remember the—”
“I’d much rather not.” Miles shook his head. “What did my father say to you, that time, when Aunt Alys was so adamant he give you a good talking to?”
“Boo, if I recall correctly. It was just before I headed off to the Academy, after the old count’s funeral. It was an appeal to the highest authority she could come up with.”
Byerly Vorrutyer clicked his fingers. “Well, there you go. Problem solved. Who’s the highest authority you know these days?”
Ivan could feel his jaw drop. “We get Gregor to talk to Padma?”
“To all four of them. And why not ask Dono and Olivia if they’d like to include Lord Vorrutyer in the experience?”
Miles stared at him. The wheels had started to turn behind his eyes, Ivan could tell. He watched as his little cousin bit his lip, unholy merriment dancing in his eyes. Before he could speak, Armsman Roic stirred in his place by the door. He listened to his earbud for a moment.
“Visitors, my lord count. It’s the Crown Prince, Lord Voralys and Belpierre Vorrutyer. Lord Vorkosigan is with them. They’d like to speak to you.”
“Oho! Attack is the best form of defence, is it? Show them in, Roic.”
Miles whisked the bottle of maple mead back to the drinks trolley and the three of them sat straighter in their chairs as the doors opened to admit a pair of Vorbarra armsmen.
Ivan smiled as the armsmen swept the room. “I bet this is Alex’s doing. He’s learned your forward momentum lessons very well, hasn’t he, Miles?”
They all jumped to their feet as the Crown Prince entered. Xav looked as uncomfortable with the gesture as he always did. “Please sit down! Thank you for seeing us, Uncle Miles.”
More Vorkosigan armsmen had entered behind the group and they hurried to pull chairs around the fireplace. Padma, looking nervous, stayed standing until they left again, shifting his weight from one foot to another before bracing to a very stiff parade rest. Ivan winked at him, but Padma either didn’t notice or studiously ignored his father.
“Count Vorkosigan, sir, I want to apologise for disrespecting your house. I took advantage of your hospitality and behaved badly.” He stopped, swallowing hard.
Byerly Vorrutyer spoke very softly. “You disrespected Vorkosigan House? Poor choice of words, young man.”
“I…er…I…” Padma floundered to a halt, looking at him in confusion. Byerly hadn’t finished.
“Would you have taken one of Count Vorkosigan’s daughters up to that attic? Lady Helen, perhaps?”
“No, sir! Never! Alex would kill me if I did anything like that, if the armsmen didn’t get to me first, or the count himself.”
“So, it wasn’t the house you disrespected, was it? The young lady concerned didn’t need to be respected because she didn’t have anyone looking out for her. Is that what you’re saying?”
Padma wilted. “I didn’t mean it like that, sir, truly. Zaika…She took me, sir. It was her idea.” He stopped again, aware of digging a bigger hole for himself. “I’m not trying to blame her. I was responsible for my own actions.”
Ivan shifted uneasily. The tone of icy contempt in Byerly’s voice was making him feel uncomfortable. Xav and Alex looked as horrified as Padma did. Belpierre looked like he’d heard it all before.
“Actions have consequences. None of us are total hypocrites. We’ve all done our fair share of sexual experimenting—” Byerly broke off as the Lord Auditor choked back a laugh. “Perhaps it was more than a fair share for some of us.”
Belpierre came to his friend’s support. “Papa, you don’t have to worry that Padma’s going to turn out like your cousin Richars. He’s never going to be cruel or coerce anyone or take advantage of his privileged position. You know that. I think you’ve turned the screw quite enough.”
Miles gestured with his hand. “Oh, sit down, Padma. If you want to have sex with someone don’t go sneaking around. Sela Thorne will point you in the right direction. Failing that Count Vorrutyer is another safe confidant if you feel you have to hide this kind of activity from your parents. You don’t, you know, but I remember what it was like to be your age.”
Padma looked around the room, and finally met his father’s gaze. “You haven’t said a word, Da.”
Ivan only tried to look stern for a fleeting moment. He just couldn’t do it. He raised one eyebrow instead. “I remember Count Piotr’s groom, Anya, out at Vorkosigan Surleau, who invited me to enjoy her company. It was in the stable; the feed loft to be precise. I had the good fortune not to get caught. Odd thing is, what I remember most about it is the way the sun came in through the loading door and her blonde curls made her look like she had a halo…. I can hardly lecture you now, can I? I behaved a lot worse than you did, too, when I was growing up. I didn’t care too much about consent—no, I never forced myself on anyone past a grope, so take those looks off your faces. I wasn’t that much of a lout, but like most Vor male teenagers back then we thought there was no such thing as inappropriate touching, only fear of retribution. Vorfemme knives got a lot more use back in those days, and knees. Yuri’s blood, the knees! You had to be quick to avoid the knees. That’s if you’d managed to avoid the Vor dragons first, of course. All the rules were imposed on us from the outside. Most of us were irresponsible louts. You need to determine your own standard of conduct, and stick to it.”
They were all staring at him. Byerly shook his head. Over by the door, Roic’s breath caught as he struggled to remain impassive.
Xav lightened the atmosphere as he blurted out, “Chance would be a fine thing, sir. With three armsmen watching my every breath how am I supposed to have any fun? I don’t want to be a virgin on my wedding night, after all, and nor do I expect my wife to be one, either, unless she wants to be. But if I as much as look at a respectable female her Mama thinks I’m going to make her the next empress.” His indignation was profound.
Ivan knew the problem. “You really do need to talk to your Da. He avoided Vor dragons for twenty years. He’ll give you some tips.”
“Da’s totally petrified I’m going to turn out like Prince Serg.” Xav looked down at his feet and scuffed his toe in the carpet. “I’ve never even pulled the wings off a bug. I don’t know why he thinks like that.”
“Well, that settles it.” Ivan turned to his cousin. “You’re the emperor’s trouble shooter. I don’t suppose he’s got an official procurer, so it’s got to be your job. There have to be some willing less-than-respectable ladies out there somewhere. They’d have to be older, to know exactly what they’re doing, but not too much older. Or—“ he broke off. “I presume it’s a lady you want, Xav? Just thought I’d ask.”
Alex couldn’t contain his shock. “Uncle Ivan, you…you want my Da to find a prostitute for the Crown Prince? Have you gone mad?”
“The term is courtesan, Alex. Much classier than prostitute. We haven’t got time to ship any in from Beta. I wonder if the embassy would know of any LPSTs here on planet. Or, By, would Sela have any contacts?”
Byerly had that crinkled eye look again. “You’re an absolute original, you know, Ivan. A true one off.”
“What’s the problem? All Xav wants for Winterfair is a little bit of fun. It’s up to us to make sure he has it safely, surely. If Gregor doesn’t know anything about it so much the better. I don’t mean we blindside him completely. We tell him about it afterwards.”
“Perhaps I can delegate the task.” Miles looked over at his armsman.
Roic was very firm about the whole thing. “No, my Lord Count. Absolutely not! That’s completely above and beyond.”
Byerly threw his hands up. “Oh, for heaven’s sake! Leave it with me. You’ll all have plausible deniability that way.”
Ivan sighed in relief and he was pretty sure his cousin did, too. “I don’t mind if I do. Sela should be able to vet the candidates. Thanks, By. Find a few. Padma, Alex and Bel won’t want to miss out. It’s less confronting for Xav that way, too.”
Byerly moved into planning mode, as if he had just received a decorating commission. “We need a safe location, for a start. I can think of one. Top security, the lady of the house won’t be in residence, and it’s perfectly normal for Prince Xav to visit.”
They all turned to look at Ivan. Miles cackled again. “Perfect! And I’ll get Ekaterin to invite Alys and Celine to our house for a sleepover, to observe the proprieties. Stefan and Simon had better come too. It’s a good job Lady Alys and big Simon have gone to Sergyar for Winterfair. We’d never pull it off if those two were around.”
“Da, Uncle Ivan, Uncle By, you can’t be serious.” Alex’s eyes were as wide as a deer caught in a spotlight. “It’s got to be treason or something.”
“Shut up, Alex.” Xav dug him in the ribs with his elbow. “I’m perfectly serious. It’s a brilliant idea.”
Ivan was still reeling. They wanted to turn Voralys House turned into some sort of maison close?
Byerly turned the screw.“You have to admit there’s a precedent, Ivan.”
“What?” What the hell was By talking about? Had something gone on at Voralys House?
“Have you forgotten the carpet affair already? I thought that night was indelibly etched into your retinas.”
Shit. He had forgotten the carpet. That had been years ago, before any of the boys were born. “That was entirely different, as you know perfectly well.”
Miles pressed home the attack. “You’re not going to weasel out of this, Ivan. It was all your idea, after all. What shall we say? Two days after Winterfair?”
Ivan looked at Xav’s hopeful face. Padma didn’t have a word to say for himself. He just sat there, slightly pale, looking at his Da in an entirely new light. “Where’s that damned maple mead? How do I get myself into these situations? Fine. Voralys House it is. Happy Winterfair, Xav.”