Chapter Text
He held the loaf out to me but my hand was shaking so badly that I would just crush it if he handed it to me. I glanced at my hands wishing they would have stopped shaking after so long, but it wasn’t meant to be. Sally grabbed it and rubbed my shoulder as she inspected the loaf.
“Fresh out of the oven,” said the baker. “Best batch yet, if I say so myself.”
I gave him my best annoyed look, how could he know how good it was if he hadn’t the time to taste it? We had been in line for ten minutes before we got to him, he hadn’t put a thing into his mouth in that whole time. I needed to stop staring at people like that though, even if he was a bit of a git.
“Thank you,” said Sally. “See you tomorrow.”
She slipped the loaf into her basket and her arm through mine before walking us both out the door. There were only some left in the line of the wooden room filled with a counter only a bit into the room. Large ovens kept the room overly warm and I was happy to get out into the late spring air. We left the white washed building that made just one part of the wall of buildings, all built up right next to each other. Maybe the houses were happy in their hugs.
“You could at least be nice to him,” said Sally. “I know he is a bit dull, but you haven’t shown interest in anyone. Alice, I want you to find happiness, and I know you aren’t going to find it watching other people live their lives.”
I stared at the cobble stone road, it never asked awkward things of me. It did trip me more than I liked, but so did everything else so I couldn’t really hold it against the road. I loved how different each stone was how despite the differences in size it still formed a mostly smooth walk way that never got muddy or all that mucked up.
“Alice, I know you don’t really want to talk about this, but Mom and I are worried,” said Sally. “It has been six years since you transitioned and we had hoped that you would have blossomed into a bit more happy of a person. You are every bit the woman on the outside that you are on the inside and have been for a long time but you don’t seem happy.”
“I am happy,” I said. “I just haven’t found anyone that has struck my fancy. Is there a problem with that?”
“No of course not,” said Sally. “Just promise me that you are at least open to it.”
“I promise,” I said.
We had made it to the edge of the main part of town, from here buildings grew smaller and less packed, the old district of Starhaven. All of the houses were surrounded by a small bit of green before the road came up to meet them and none were over two stories tall. Each were very unique and obviously made in a rush so long ago. Great Grandma had moved here when my grandmother was still in her womb to escape the memories of her dead husband and the war that killed him. She had met a man who had helped her raise her child, building the house we still lived in. It was a bit into the district and a bit off from the main road, only on a dirt path really but we didn’t need more than that, even if I often had trouble with the mud that sometimes over took the path. Thankfully it had been a light rain earlier in the week and our path was still stable. I could barely keep my shaky legs from buckling from underneath me without the added worry of slipping.
Our house was a lovely old thing with a bit of flowers outside, my only chore. I had insisted that I be allowed to grow them, and so each year I would plant the prior years seeds and hope that they would grow. The little red and white petals were so beautiful, the most pretty thing I had ever done. Making sure they had water during the summer heat however was not a pretty thing, some days it would take all day just to get a small bucket of water to them. They were mine and I wasn’t about to let anyone else take that responsibility from me. I could only really handle this small patch right next to our door but that didn’t matter to me, not anymore, not after a decade of being like this.
Inside was warm but only from the morning sun and our main room filled with all the things we would need at any given time, the hearth hadn’t been lit today, and I had no intention of trying, that never went well. I let go of Sally and made my way slowly and carefully to the bench where I flopped down with all the grace of a fish out of water. Sally moved with purpose and a grace I had never had, she had blossomed in just a short while from the shy girl I remember from but a few years back to a confident woman. She was not as good at housework as Mom wanted but it certainly didn’t matter much for Sally. After all she was to be Lord Byron’s next adviser, taking care of a home was not going to be a worry for her. No I was likely going to be that worry, if I lived long enough. Master Chiron, Sally’s teacher and predecessor, wanted her there as often as she could and it meant that I was often left alone for long periods of time. I craved my bits of independence when Pa was off at the smithy and Mom was working with the other seamstresses. Sally sliced the bread in two and put one half on the shelf and the other into a bag.
“I’ve got to run,” said Sally. She left the bag on a hook near the door. “Please remember to feed yourself today, there is no reason for you to go hungry when you have a half a loaf to munch on. Master Chiron wants me to stay late tonight, we are studying the stars again, so I will see you in the morning. I love you my little bug.”
“I love you too, you giant,” I said with all the love I could.
She left the house and I pushed myself off the bench holding onto the table till I could find some semblance of balance on my feet. Once I got going walking was generally a safe thing but getting up not so easy. I grabbed my staff from the wall next to the bag, it was a thing Pa had made for me carved from a much bigger branch with little nobs here and there so that should I need to I could use it like a ladder to get back onto my feet. I loved how smooth it had been when I got it and now it was only more smooth, the staff having been sealed with a stain multiple times that now it had a sheen to it. I put the bag over my head and had to lean against the wall as I tried to get it into a comfortable spot. Sally always expected me to wait longer before I ventured back out, but it wasn’t that I lacked the energy to walk far, just the legs to get me there safely. I did one quick glance over the house, looking at all the pots and utensils that hung from the ceiling near the hearth, each one I had named when Pa brought them home from the smithy. Everything was in its place like always and I walked back out of our dim home.
I took the same path as before following the road back into town, though I had no plan as to where I was heading, I felt like a feather on the wind. It wasn’t like I had much of anywhere I had to be and there were plenty of places I could sit and watch those who were useful ply their work. It was what I did most days, and very few of the town had any problem with me doing that. Yet as I got back towards the center of town there had been a change in the way everyone acted, like some heavy storm had fallen on them. I didn’t want to pry but curiosity got the best of me and I scuttled over to a pair talking.
“Such a shame, he was so young,” said the first. “I can’t really believe it. What if it had been my little Jessica?”
“I know what you mean,” said the second. “I to think that someone in this town may have done it just makes me shiver. I’ll not be sleeping well tonight. I hope Old John can find some peace though.”
I scuttled away, I had heard enough. Someone may have murdered Old John’s son, it just seemed so unreal. I walked away only really paying attention to my feet as I left the square and letting my thoughts consume most of me. How could anyone have done such a thing? It just seemed so horrible and I didn’t even know the boy. He was a bit older than I was but from what I had seen he had the energy of someone much younger one who hadn’t bought into the idea of adulthood yet. It felt like such a shame that I didn’t even know his name, even if his face wouldn’t leave my mind. I couldn’t even imagine him dead, how could someone so full of life be dead?
I wondered on this time trying to pay attention to my surroundings at least a bit but I still wound up somewhere I hadn’t really intended. Not that it was unwelcome. Lord Byron’s two keeps laid at the edge of town protecting it from the wild wood to the north. The closest to me was the old keep, now more of a library for Master Chiron and his home, at least till he decided to leave for somewhere more suited to his restful retirement. A set of walls blocked my view of the new keep except for a sliver of the top of it, the angle of the hill they were built on making it hard for me to see much as I walked up it. The walls were the newest addition and had required Lord Byron to have the hill expanded by workers. That had taken a long while even with all the extra hands he had brought in from the rest of the kingdom. He had wanted the walls to be big enough for another keep to be built, one for the town, so that in a time of need we could all be safe in the walls from any who might attack us. It was rather thoughtful of Lord Byron and the town had celebrated the breaking of the ground on the wall for the last three years. I came up to the incomplete gate, which would eventually have a barrier but as it stood now was still a gaping hole. There were a couple of Lord Byron’s men at arms guarding the entrance but they only smiled at me. I was after all a frequent visitor, whether to watch the court or to visit Sally.
It was the workers who hadn’t quite gotten used to me yet especially since several had left but two months back and Lord Byron had brought in replacements. One of them was a small boy who was on the cusp of manhood. His facial hair came in patchy, which was nothing unusual for any his age and many years older, but he still had a bit of a gangly look to him like his arms and legs were just slightly out of proportion. His smile was nice but I didn’t really want to see it headed my way. Just another boy who thought I was worth his time, that I might love him back and it was only that I wouldn’t that kept me away from him before.
“Hello, my lady,” said the boy. He even bowed slightly to me. “Can I help you get to where you are going?”
“I suppose so,” I said reluctantly. I did need help with the stairs going into the new keep and it seemed like it would be a waste to turn him down only to have to get someone else to help.
He took me by the arm and walked a bit too fast for me, though that only made me have to lean on him more. There was no way that wasn’t encouraging him. He kept glancing at me and I wondered if it was my face or my chest he was looking at. Not that there was much to look at on my chest, I was modestly covered, more than even most others would have and I didn’t have much to show there anyway.
“May I be so bold as to ask you your name?” he asked.
I almost sighed but kept it in and just said, “Bold? My name is Alice, daughter of a smith and seamstress. Though I guess it would be more correct to my future to say burden of a scholar.”
“I doubt you are burden on anyone,” he said. I almost laughed, there was no way he was genuine in believing that. “My name is Tom Lostson. It was nice to meet you.”
He helped me up the stairs finally slowing enough for me to be safe. I let go of him at the top of them, he had to go back to his work and I had no reason to keep him from it. He gave me one more smile and kissed my hand before walking away. I wiped the back of my hand on my skirt as best I could, though the shaking never made that easy, and ignored the snicker of the man at arms by the open door. They had already started for the day as I could already hear Lord Byron’s joyful voice barking out amongst his men’s more subdued talking. He was still so full of life and it was hard to think he was nearly sixty years of age. I walked into the keep and the large hall that took up much of the first floor. Tables had been set up, ready for the mid day meal and the lord and his men had taken one to spread maps on and talk about things. It was probably them planing the next big hunt but it might have been drafting new patrols for the men at arms which changed often enough they couldn’t be ambushed by waiting bandits.
The room was cozy and I never gave it much attention any more, the paintings and tapestries were old news to me, even if they were great works of art. The tables were always the same old ones and nothing really changed here, except the people. Lord Byron’s gray hair stood out among his men all of whom were at least a decade and a half his younger. Some stood taller than him and others shorter but they all were tough and clad as if they knew battle would be coming some hours later.
I had been busy watching the table that I hadn’t paid enough attention to the rest of the room, as I missed the two little ones who collided into me. Had I been ready I might have been able to stay standing afterwards but without bracing I fell backwards slamming into the stone floor with a thud and a crack as the back of my head hit the stone. My eyes fluttered open and the light of the sun through the door sent pain searing through my head. I was still on the floor and I could hear the twins crying nearby. Yet the room was blurry and seemed to shift and spin every time I tried to move. Lord Byron squatted next to me, though I could only be certain by the gray of his hair. He slowly picked me up, carrying me like one might a child who had fallen asleep at diner. The world spun all the more from the movement and my head and arms flapped against him as I couldn’t keep them as still as I normally would. It was so wrong to be carried by my lord like this and when I felt him take the first step up the stairs I shuddered and tried to protest. I wasn’t allowed up past the first floor.
The room was much darker up here but nearly the same size, many beds lined the area and a few men sat on them working at something, the sound of metal and stone grinding together came from one of them. Yet we didn’t stop there, as Lord Byron ascended another set of stairs and I could barely contain my worry. That was where his private quarters were, Sally hadn’t ever been up that far and she was allowed to follow Master Chiron where ever he needed. Yet my sharp breathes did nothing to help the nausea that ate at me and I tried to bring them back under control, ignoring any idea of getting my arms and legs to stop twitching so violently.
“Zachariah, I know you are sulking up here,” said Lord Byron loudly. “But I need your help my boy.”
A pair of footsteps headed our way turning into running after just a bit of a start. I couldn’t see him until he was right on top of me as I hadn’t been able to stop my neck from trying to squish my head into my lords arm, hopefully he wouldn’t hurt me for the drool I left there.
I was laid onto a cloud and a red sky sat above me, this must have been where the gods lived, but Lord Byron and Zachariah stood next to me still and I wondered when they had died too. A wet rag dripped on my face as Lord Byron washed the back of my head, sending new shards of pain into my skull. Suddenly my head was wrapped in something tight and Zachariah was the only one sitting next to me. Where had Lord Byron go? And why was I in his bed? Or well I assumed this wonderful thing was his. It was far to fancy with the red canopy, that may have had some design stitched into it, though everything was too blurry still for me to tell.
“Alice, please stay with us,” said Zachariah. His voice was so melodic and I wondered if an angel lived in his neck and sang as his voice, though how could an angel be so small? “Come on stay awake, you have survived so much already, don’t let a little bump to the head take you from us now.”
I was dying? It seemed almost comical and I tried laughing but it only came out as a bit of a gurgle. Still it didn’t seem like such a bad thing, I had been given an extra ten years by an act of the gods, so leaving now seemed less scary than it had back then. I had fought with fears of what it would be like to be judged by the gods, how I would have been found lacking for my want to be a girl. Not that I understood I was a girl then. They wouldn’t hold that against me, not when they had brought two miracles into my life already. Zachariah shed tears over me as he tried to keep me comfortable and stop my shaking from getting too much.
“Ssss all alright,” I slurred. “It it will be alright, okay? It was nice to have met you.”
I closed my eyes trying to not fight it any longer, after all every little movement brought a pang of pain to my head and face. Why prolong something that was long over due as it was? But Zachariah kept shaking me, so much it was a bit too hard for me to ignore. It wasn’t fair to leave him so shaken, Mom and Pa had been so sad when I almost went last time, but then I didn’t have the words to try to comfort them. Why did I matter to him though? We had barely talked even if I did find him staring at me from time to time, and I would often find that he had appeared out of nowhere to sit near me as I watched the day’s court. I had always brushed it off that he was simply doing what I was staving off boredom. But maybe he had been there because I was. I opened my eyes when his head had fallen onto my chest and I could hear him sobbing as he gripped my shirt tightly in his fists. It was silly, why did he love me? I wasn’t good for anyone, least of all a lord’s son. Yet it was too much to hurt him like this.
“Please don’t go,” he said quietly into my chest. I pushed my left arm up from the bed and watched it jerk every which way as I tried and managed to get to his head. “Alice? Oh thank the gods. Don’t scare me like that. Please stay with us, with me. Alice?”
I jerked my eyes open not realizing I had closed them, though it was harder to accomplish than it should have been as every time I thought of anything else they drooped. He took my right hand and held it to his cheek, keeping it warm and still for a moment. I tried to rub my fingers through the bit of his black hair that I could reach but it was more of a tapping. It was soft and fine and my eyes drifted towards his. I had known they were an unusual shade of amber, really yellow, but I had never seen them so close before, to see the little flecks of gold that sat in them and the way it seemed to weave around itself as the color came to the iris. I would love to have seen them this close when his eyes were not so red, but I wasn’t certain I would ever have another chance.
A thundering stampede of feet came up to the third floor and Sally almost threw Zachariah out of the way of her coming to my side. Her eyes were just as red and I tried to smile but it must have come out wrong as she only sobbed more loudly. She cupped my head, stroking my skin like she would when I asked her too, it was so gentle, nothing like my own hands.
“Oh Alice, I knew we should have gotten someone to care for you all the times I wasn’t there,” said Sally. “Don’t die on me, please don’t die on me.”
“Come dear, let Master Chiron do what he can for her,” said Lord Byron. He pulled her away from the bed and up into his arms where she hugged him back crying into his shoulder. “Now, now, dear, I’m quiet certain that Master Chiron will have her all sorted out in no time.”
“I wish I had your sense of optimism, my old friend,” said Master Chiron.
He was the oldest person I knew, or so he claimed. His face was no more wrinkled than Lord Byron’s but his hair had grown as white as snow, and his nose had grown so large I was certain he was part troll. I hoped his troll father had been a good dad, had played with him when he was younger. Clearly it was troll magic that ran through his blood that made him so smart, and maybe he had shared that with Sally. He held a glowing looking glass over my eye and held my eye lid open, even as the other one drooped on me.
“Her eyes seem to be working, if a bit slowly, and her soul is still bright,” said Master Chiron. “I’m not the best healer, but I would say she has a bad concussion. There isn’t much we can do without a mage, save for keep her comfortable and stationary while she recovers, or as much as possible. She will need lots of water and good food to keep her strong while her head heals, and she must not be moved till dark at the earliest.”
“I’ll make sure it is done,” said Lord Byron. “She can stay here all night, just to be on the safe side.”
“Ca-can’t,” tried to stammer. “Yo-your bed.”
“Alice, there are plenty of other beds and I would regret it deeply if I didn’t take as good of care of you as I can,” said Lord Byron. “Colin is owed that much. Your grandfather was a brother to me and I won’t hear anything about refusals of my help. Your father may be able to take care of himself but you must let others help you, at least till your head gets better. Now rest and I will not hear any more of this worry over whose bed this is, tonight it is yours.”
I tried to nod but it only sent waves of pain through me and Master Chiron held my head still as he lifted me slightly so that more pillows could be shoved behind me till I was propped up half way between laying and sitting. He held my wrist for a while after that and counted under his breath. Was he counting the fish swimming in my blood? Though how they got there confused me. Maybe they had always been there, but I had never seen any spill out of me before so they had to be new.
“Are the fishes supposed to be there?” I asked in an odd moment of control over my voice.
“Don’t worry about the fishes right now,” said Master Chiron. “Just rest my dear. She can sleep but I want a bit of food in her before that. Zachariah, I want you to make sure she is looked after and that her breathing remains steady.”
“I’ll do it,” said Sally. She came over next to him as he stood up stretching his old back.
“No, you have more pressing matters at the moment,” said Master Chiron. “I have been negligent in your studies of medicine, we must fix that, though you are welcome to borrow the books, and if Lord Byron is alright with it, there is no reason you can’t read up here. Just make sure you light a good lamp.”
“I would not let traditions prevent her from being with her little sister,” said Lord Byron. “Zachariah, I know you will do a good job but let her rest, she need not be burdened by anything more than that right now.”
There was a moment of staring between the two of them and eventually Zachariah nodded and turned back to looking at me. Why did that matter? What would be a burden that Zachariah could put on me? He certainly wasn’t going to put a horse on my chest, so I couldn’t see what it could be. He pulled a chair over next to the bed and it must have been the burden he was going to put on me yet he just sat down on it, right next to me his hand falling on my head rubbing gently through my hair.
Time passed in ways I couldn’t keep track of at the moment and at some point a maid came up with a tray, it wasn’t as fancy as it could have been, I’d seen more fancy ones at the keep before, but it was distinctly Pa’s work, as while he couldn’t do much of the fancy work that the master smith could, his tools were always the best and held together the longest, and the age of the tray was apparent even if it was kept clean and free of rust. The maid stood there with it as Zachariah pulled over another chair to set it on and she bowed and left the room glancing back at us with a knowing smile. Had I been that oblivious? I looked into his eyes and beyond the blowing wheat that made up the color of his eyes it was easy to see how intently he stared back at me, like my eyes held him captive and that to him it was only me in those fields of wheat. I tried to reach out to him but my arm only slapped ineffectively against his neck, I couldn’t keep it still even now. He grabbed my hand holding it in both of his before gently kissing the back of it.
“Not now, you’ll tempt me too much,” said Zachariah. “We can talk about this when your head has healed.”
I didn’t try to fight it when he put my hand back down on my lap and he went to grab the spoon for the soup. Steam rose from it and little chunks of brown mushrooms floated in it. Had they screamed when they were boiled? That seemed so cruel, surely they were dead before they were cooked but they kept moving around in the soup, almost swimming and I just couldn’t tell if they were alive or not. Zachariah held the spoon up to my mouth and I opened it to let him give me the spoon, there was no way I would be able to move to it myself, at least not without spilling. Still as I closed my mouth to chew and swallow the soup squeezed between my lips and down my chin, clearly it was alive if it was trying to escape, but it was far too tasty to not eat it, even if I could almost hear the mushrooms screams as I chewed on them. Zachariah brought up a handkerchief to wipe my chin and I almost leaned into the cloth letting it rub against my skin all the harder. The mushrooms were watching us, hopefully in terror, as they were delicious and tasted good with broth.
“Alice, do you want another bite?” asked Zachariah.
I noticed the spoon held out just a bit away from my face it almost shook there but I tried to bite at it though missing it. I opened to strike again and he poured the spoonful of soup into me. There were more chunks of mushrooms and a it played well with the saltiness of the broth, so much so I just sat there with it in my mouth letting myself enjoy the taste as the heat dissipated.
“Alice you have to swallow,” he said.
Oh yes, swallowing was important, how could I forget? I snorted out a small laugh and blew soup and saliva out my nose and mouth. It splattered all over my front and a bit onto him. It hurt and tears ran down my cheeks. Why was I so bad at this? At everything? He would hate me now. Why did I care about that so much? I couldn’t help the sobbing that took over me and he cleaned me up as best he could. I had ruined the Lords bed and I tried to get out of it, so I couldn’t foul it up any more but he held me down and held my hand.
“Alice you can’t get up right now,” Zachariah said. “You are fine, little things like this don’t matter. We need to get some more food in you but your nose is still draining more soup. Here blow.”
I blew my nose into his snot rag and I could feel bits of mushroom pushing through and out of my sinuses. It hurt less with them gone and he rather roughly wiped the rest of my nose off. After he was satisfied with my appearance we went back to feeding me, one spoonful at a time. I didn’t make it past a third of the bowl before I drifted off, the warmth in my belly doing its work.