Chapter Text
The luxuriant, fragrant smell of roasted duck filled Luo Biming’s kitchen as he furiously stirred the wine sauce he needed to add once the duck was done cooking. With practiced ease he would whisk with one hand while scrolling down his phone with the other. It was the final update of the so called “Best Webnovel of the Year”—more like Shittiest Dumpster Fire of the YearTM—Proud Immortal’s Righteous Way.
Luo Biming had been following the novel since it’s very first chapter what seemed like a lifetime ago. It was a massive epic spanning thousands of chapters which updated daily with 10,000-word chapters. That alone set it up to be a complete pile of garbage word salad. Most of it was just poorly written papapa scenes that dragged the plot out with new unbearably vapid romances occurring once a week. At this point the protagonist Luo Binghe—with whom Luo Biming unfortunately shared a name—had a harem reaching well into the triple digits. And each woman was somehow worse than the last.
There was, in fact, hints of a proper plot to this shitshow which would pop up every now and then, but Luo Biming would have to come by every day skimming through these atrocious papapa scenes to find them. And even then the plot was mostly just a barely threaded together mess with plot holes that could devour the sun.
See, Proud Immortal’s Righteous Way was supposed to be a touching tale about a man cutting a path for himself in an unfair world while fighting demons and getting the girl(s) of his dream. As was popular he collected a whole armory of golden finger bullshit weapons that he summoned to quickly deal with any and all problems. Which was So. Fucking. Boring! Where’s the tension in that huh shitty author?!
So why, through all this, was Luo Biming still here, years later, dedicatedly reading and commenting (tearing apart) each chapter? Because Luo Biming had a crush. He’d never admit it, not even staring dead ahead at his figures and poster collection (or even while clutching his newly acquired body pillow). Luo Biming maybe, just maybe, had a tiny infatuation with one Shen Yuan. Well, he had an infatuation until his favorite character was mercilessly killed off screen for some fucking reason. Luo Biming was sure to leave a whole essay—or three—on why he was pissed at that.
Back tracking a bit for clarity, Luo Binghe was actually the son of the much-admired sect leader of Heavenly Immortal’s Mountain Sect—Tianlang-Jun. However, to be fair to all his disciples, Tianlang-Jun had made Luo Binghe enter the sect as a normal disciple and rise up from there. Except this only made Luo Binghe vulnerable to the jealous schemes of his fellow disciples. Thus, poor Luo Binghe was bullied every day while his father and mother didn’t raise a hand to help.
Luckily, Luo Binghe was fortunate enough to meet a kind old woman when he went down the mountain. He would often visit her when he was sent on missions and was sure to shower her with gifts and help her about the house. In return she taught him to cook and loved him like her own son. As such, it was the greatest tragedy of young Luo Binghe’s life when demons attacked the old woman’s town and massacred everyone there, including his dear adopted mother. That day, Luo Binghe vowed to avenge the woman he considered to be his true mother.
The start was cliched as hell and lead to a way too long training montage where Luo Binghe fought all the rivals off, got a little collection of (obviously far inferior) followers, and began his collection of the finest beauties all the lands had to offer. To be fair, Luo Biming was truly touched by Luo Binghe’s interactions with the old woman and would admit to crying his eyes out when she died. The start of the novel in general was nothing new but the author—Northern Desert King—still seemed to care about his story.
It’s in the second half where things began to fall apart. Moving on, Tianlang-Jun decides he wants to retire and travel the world with his lovely Su Xiyan leaving the now established Luo Binghe as sect leader. One day, while traveling, Luo Binghe comes across two downtrodden twins living on the streets. Feeling generous, and also noting their strong spiritual roots, Luo Binghe took the twins in. And yes, this is in fact where Luo Biming was introduced to his Shen Yuan.
Shen Yuan was a kind soul who always tried his best despite not being as skilled as his brother in cultivation. Luo Biming found Shen Yuan’s efforts endearing and his tough, witty personality fun and lovable. Shen Yuan quickly wormed his way into Luo Biming’s heart (and Wallet). Also noting the twins’ skills, Luo Binghe soon began to dote on them and gave them all the opportunities he could for them to succeed. That is, until the Immortal Alliance Conference.
A massive rip into the demon world—the Endless Abyss—opened up. In the ensuing chaos, the twins were revealed to be demons—fox demons specifically. Betrayed, Luo Binghe threw the twins into the Endless Abyss. Some years later, after Luo Binghe had nursed his broken heart, he met Shen Jiu on a mission. Shen Jiu revealed that his twin—Luo Biming’s darling Shen Yuan—had been unable to handle the Endless Abyss and had perished. Luo Biming threw his phone across the room after finishing that chapter. What. The. Fuck? Shen Yuan was clever and extremely skilled in dealing with demonic beasts. Even with his weaker cultivation, surely he could have gotten through the Abyss with his twin there?
Regardless, Shen Jiu had (inexplicably) teamed up with all the higher ups in the demon realm to wage a war on the righteous sects as revenge for his dead twin. Thus began the longest section of the novel where people died like flies on a hot day. Every chapter had at least four or five deaths, both major and minor characters having death scenes that were somehow too lengthy and yet not long enough. Eventually (by which Luo Biming means two years later real time), Shen Jiu is caught by Luo Binghe and brutally tortured (probably for killing about a hundred of Luo Binghe’s wives but Luo Biming had lost count and really didn’t even remember the wives names anyways so who cares).
Luo Binghe ended up ripping off Shen Jiu’s limbs and sending them to the demon realm’s Emperor who came rushing over in a last-ditch attempt to save Shen Jiu’s life (for some reason as their relationship as never explained). And so, Luo Binghe shot ten thousand arrows into the Emperor’s body, winning the war.
But of course, the novel didn’t end there. It dragged on and on until they got to this point. Luo Binghe living with a (slightly reduced) harem he obviously didn’t care for as he spent his days miserable about the lose of his once dear disciples. Honestly, it was just depressing. And now, in this final update, twenty harem bullshit plots and at least three hundred awful papapa scenes later, Luo Binghe was on his throne thinking about his miserable life. And That. Was. It! Literally the last lines on the page, no matter how often Luo Biming updated, were just this depressing monologue.
What was the point of all this shit then? What about all the unanswered questions Luo Biming had? Why did Shen Yuan die in the Endless Abyss? What was the relationship between the demon Emperor and Shen Jiu? Why did the Shen twins even go to a righteous sect if they knew they were demons from the start?
“You damn disgrace of an author! Shitty scammer!”
As Luo Biming was writing out his final ranting review, he was so engrossed in his phone he didn’t notice the bitter smell of smoke. Without much of a warning, Luo Biming’s stove suddenly short circuited, exploding in a ball of fire. With a sharp blast of heat, Luo Biming, age twenty, culinary school second year, died.
***
Luo Biming opened his eyes slowly. Was this…the hospital? He wondered. Except, his bed had a canopy of finely embroidered cloth. Looking around the room, it really looked a lot like the xianxia sets in dramas and movies. Confused, Luo Biming got up. He looked down and noticed his tight jeans and comfy but stylish t-shirt combination was replaced with a white inner robe. Along a chair in the middle of the room was a light green, obviously expensive outer robe. Figuring he’d properly get dressed first Luo Biming struggled to figure out exactly how to get his clothes to stay on. He looked a bit of a mess in the end but whatever. On the table by the chair there was note. A handwritten note with what looked to be a brush and ink stone set to the side.
[Gone to get supplies. Will return by night. Mobei-Jun.]
Luo Biming looked at the name, feeling it was familiar. After a moment of thought he stared even harder, trying to make sure he was reading the characters right. He’d almost forgotten about the Jiang Xue Peak Lord, Mobei-Jun. He’d been tricked into taking a demon as his disciple—the traitorous Shang Qinghua—in return for having a spy in the demon realm. Except, he was killed off during the war by his very spy during the war. The spineless Shang Qinghua had, for some reason, just turned and took out the second most powerful character in the whole book. Luo Biming had given up on understanding the novel at that point and just passingly mentioned his anger in one of his criticisms.
But wait, if this really was that Mobei-Jun, then this must be the world of Proud Immortal’s Righteous Way. Luo Biming turned in a frantic circle as if things would make any more sense.
“What the actual fuck.” Luo Biming let out. He’d…transmigrated? Well, he was enough of a fanatic that he just accepted this new turn of events. As he came to terms with his new fate a mechanical, google translate-esque voice rang out. Luo Biming shot into he air, banging his shins on the table.
“Shit!” He cursed.
[Welcome to Proud Immortal’s Righteous Way. Customer: Luo Biming is online! Starting B points: 100. Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Good things must be said three times!]
So he really did transmigrate…