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“Where to, Miss?”
“To the stars.”
Dull blue eyes gazed helplessly above at the bright and magnificent night sky that was accompanied by twinkling stars. They could be seen reflecting off the water. It was beautiful, but it only felt like a cruel tease the more she stared and tuned out her surroundings. More than anything, Clarke yearned for Lexa to take them to the stars. Instead, her body was frozen stiff on top of a door while floating in the Atlantic ocean. Tears begged to be wept, but her tear ducts have long since frozen any that attempted to fall.
“When this ship docks, I’m getting off with you.”
“This is crazy.”
“I know. It doesn’t make any sense. That’s why I trust it.”
Clarke squeezed her eyes shut before opening them again in fear that they would freeze in position. Slowly, she rolled her cold and numb body to the side, shuddering at the feel of her icy skin peeling from the wood. It was unnerving how gradually the calm and silent overtook the night. Panicked screams, uncontrollable prayers, and desperate calling of names had filled the air while the Titanic continued to sink deeper into the ocean. She had also found herself screaming, shouting with all her might, and love for Lexa earlier.
People all around her were splashing frantically, knowing that death would soon claim them all, but one had tried to introduce her to end sooner by nearly drowning her when she first surfaced. A stranger tried to use her body outfitted with a lifejacket to stay afloat, but she struggled and fought desperately to break his hold. She hit him with a swift jab that knocked him loose and quickly took the chance to escape. Lexa would have been proud to have seen it. It was then she realized that Lexa wasn’t anywhere to be found. She yelled and swam searching for Lexa while shoving past passengers until eventually noticing the bodies going silent and still. Her body and mind screamed at her that she would perish too if she continued searching.
“I love you. Lexa.”
“No, don’t say your good-byes, Clarke. Don’t you give up. Don’t do it.”
“We’re going down!”
“Clarke, listen to me. Listen. Winning that ticket was the best thing that ever happened to me. It brought me to you. And I’m thankful, Clarke. I’m thankful. You must do me this honor... promise me you will survive... that you will never give up... no matter what happens... no matter how hopeless... promise me now, and never let go of that promise.”
“I promise.”
“Never let go.”
“I promise. I will never let go, Lexa. I’ll never let go.”
“Okay, good. Now take a deep breath and hold it right before we go into the water. The ship will suck us down. Kick for the surface and keep kicking. Don’t let go of my hand. We’re gonna make it, Clarke. Trust me.”
“I trust you. I jump, you jump, remember?”
Clarke wanted to hold onto her promise to Lexa, but she was supposed to be able to hold onto Lexa too. She had her, she was hers with a future together on the horizon, and they were going to make it. Unfortunately, that hope dwindled as soon as they hit the water, she had held tightly onto Lexa’s hand until something had yanked her beloved from her grip and forced her to the surface alone. All she could do was scream and search for her until even that was taken from her. Her voice turned hoarse and weak, her body slowed and grew numb from the 28 degrees ocean. Reluctantly her search changed to searching for something to keep her out of the open water. Luckily, she had found the door that was presently keeping her afloat.
However, Clarke couldn’t find it in herself to feel lucky. She had somehow lost Lexa in the depths of the ocean, not knowing if she was clinging to life like Clarke was or if her body was among the floating corpses somewhere around her unseen. She wanted to hold out hope, but the quiet was eating away at her, and her body was so, so, so cold. The longer she was left on top of the door without rescue, her aching heart would surely come to an unending halt. It was a struggle to keep her eyes open and hold out, but Clarke was no longer even sure if she had reason to keep trying. She felt so weak, so close to embracing her icy death, and hopeful she’ll somehow see Lexa again.
Clarke was so grateful that she had taken her chance to tell Lexa that she loves her. At least Lexa had known her love, that her heart would forever be cherished in life, and even in death. It was simply unfair they didn't have more time together. What they had was so new and so beautiful. She would have never believed that she could genuinely fall in love with someone, another woman at that, in just a few days. Lexa turned what seemed like an impossibility into a possibility and swept Clarke off her feet.
“Lexa,” she weakly whispered to the stars above, her frozen lips cracking when they parted.
All hope, will, and spirit were leaving her stranded, just like how the lifeboats in the distance had neglected to come to their rescue when they called out to them. She doesn’t know how long it has been since she and Lexa entered the water but it felt like an eternity when it was perhaps closer to 40 minutes. It appeared that no one was coming to their rescue, and if they were, it would be too late by then to find any survivors. With the dead silence surrounding her, it left her wondering if she was the only one left clinging to life. It was foolish of her to still be hanging on when everyone’s spirits have already departed them. Embracing death, no matter if she wanted it or not, felt like her last and only option.
She just needed to let go.
Taking one last look at the night sky, Clarke let her eyes flutter closed.
A moment later, a light flared across the water, silhouetting the bobbing corpses in between the boat and Clarke. It traveled past her motionless form before moving on. The boat is 50 feet away, and moving past her to continue their search.
Clarke’s eyes snapped open.
Voices.
She heard distorted and hollow voices. Blearily vision sought the sound out and tracked a lifeboat that was stretching the distance between them. At first, she couldn't believe her eyes and simply watched the boat move further away. Clarke had accepted that she wasn’t going to get rescued in time, and the boat passed her by. She wanted to close her eyes again and wait for death to claim her. The will to let go was right there, and all she had to do was let it happen.
But...
Lexa made her promise to never let go.
If she let go now, wouldn’t that be breaking her promise to her?
She couldn’t let herself break it. She couldn’t disappoint Lexa.
Lexa would want her to keep fighting. Seeing that she was still breathing and there was a real chance of a rescue, she couldn’t just turn away from it. Clarke promised that no matter what happens or how hopeless that she would live on.
She needed to live. For Lexa.
“Hel--” her voice faltered. “Help!” Clarke struggled to move because her voice was failing her. The boat had rowed dreadfully out of her view. “Over here!” Knowing there was no other choice, Clarke plunged herself into the icy water, her hair tugging painfully from where it had frozen to the door. She swam to where a Chief Officer with a whistle was nearby and clutch onto his body. Taking the whistle from his frozen mouth, she gathered all the strength that was left in her body and blew the whistle. The sound struck across the still water.
Clarke keeps blowing and doesn’t stop until the whistle is taken from her stiff lips when her rescuers reached down and hauled her into the boat. Finally rescued and safe, Clarke fell unconscious with dreams of Lexa and that the unsinkable Titanic never actually sunk.
When Clarke woke up, she found herself and about 700 other survivors aboard the RMS Carpathia. The crew gave her dry clothes and had her evaluated by 1 of their 3 doctors. She was told that she had reached Stage 3 of Hypothermia and that she likely would have died if the rescue had arrived any later than they had. It didn’t surprise her and knew she should consider it a miracle that she was alive. They swaddled her in a blanket, fed her, and offered her hot tea.
She slowly roamed around the steamliner, her eyes taking in the pale faces of survivors around her, hoping to see familiar, knowledgeable green eyes.
She didn’t.
Eventually, Clarke settled on the deck with her hot beverage to watch the rising morning sun and the last of the rescued lifeboats being hoisted up. They all just survived something horrible together, and yet Clarke felt utterly alone. Falling into a trance with an emotionless face, Clarke silently mourned.
“Is that you, Clarke?” a different familiar voice shook her out of it.
Finn.
Clarke clenched her jaw at the sight of Finn looking her over. She looked like a refuge with matted hair hanging over her eyes.
“Yes, I lived. How awkward, huh?”
“Clarke, your mother and I have been looking for you.”
Holding a hand up, Clarke put a stop to whatever Finn had in mind to say next. She didn’t want to hear it. He was the reason why Lexa was prevented from getting on a lifeboat with her. They could have been both saved if he had just put aside his hurt ego and let Lexa join her.
“Please don’t. Shut up and just listen. From this moment, you do not exist for me, nor I for you. You shall not see me again. And you will not attempt to find me. Is this in any way unclear to you?”
Clarke ignored the way Finn looked at her with big sad eyes. He received a lethal glare in return.
“What do I tell your mother?”
Clarke hesitated before replying with a weary sigh.
“Tell her I died with the Titanic.”
Turning around to face the rail again, Clarke dismissed Finn.
“Goodbye, Finn.”
Finn reluctantly left, leaving her to replay her the past few days in her head again.
“Sorry to bother you, ma’am. I need your name.”
Clarke looked back to see an Officer holding a list of all the names of the survivors.
“Um, Clarke Griffin. Actually, make that Woods. Clarke Woods.”
The man looked her over curiously before nodding and writing the name down.
“I think I just noted down your sister’s name a bit ago. Have you seen to her?”
“Sister? I don’t have a sister.”
“I know you said Woods, but Griffin? Lexa Griffin? Figured there was a relation there, my apologies, Miss.”
Clarke froze on the spot. It was wishful thinking. It had to be. Lexa had been lost to the sea. Right? But what were the chances that there was a survivor named Lexa Griffin?
“Lexa Griffin? Where did you leave her? Tell me!”
“Oh, I last saw her resting in one of the Officer’s cabins that were converted.”
Clarke dropped her nearly empty cup of tea to rush to where the cabins were situated below deck. It takes a few long, tense minutes to push past the crowd filled with crew and survivors to get to the correct level. Her heart was beating like crazy, and her body was protesting her rapid movements. She was still weak and needed to take it easy while she recovered. There was a possibility that Lexa had survived though, and she desperately needed to see if her sudden hope was senseless or not. She slammed into an Officer’s room, scanning the bleak faces of a few passengers and not finding the features she wanted to see. Quietly apologizing, she backed out the room and rushed into the next converted room.
Not her.
Not her.
Not… wait.
Clarke’s eyes settled on a slim figure sitting on the edge of a bed, hunched over with blankets wrapped around their whole body. Clarke shook as she slowly inched forward, both hopeful and scared to look upon the hooded person’s face. Swallowing deeply, Clarke stood before the clearly defeated form of a woman and let herself say her beloved’s name out loud.
“Lexa?”
The huddled form flinched at her voice before slowly raising a trembling hand to push back the blanket and finally revealing those beautiful familiar eyes Clarke has wished to witness again.
“Oh my god, Lexa!”
Lexa’s face slackened in shock at the sight of Clarke.
“Clarke?” she rasped, her devastation quickly turned into euphoria as she jumped up to embrace Clarke tightly.
“It's you! It’s really you.” Clarke cried heartily before tucking her face into the curve of Lexa’s neck. “I thought I lost you.”
“Clarke, Clarke, Clarke,” Lexa repeated, nearly crushing Clarke as she attempted to pull her deeper into her. “You’re here.”
“I’m here, Lexa. We’re both here. We made it.”
“I-I believed you were gone, Clarke. I was so lost without you.”
“Me too. God, I thought I wasn’t going to make it and hoped I’d get to see you again in the afterlife.” Clarke sighed, pecking the cool skin beneath her lips before leaning back to gaze at Lexa’s face. “I remembered my promise to you, though. I didn’t let go.”
Clarke’s eyes fluttered shut when Lexa moved her hands to hold her face, her fingers slightly trembling against her cheeks. She couldn’t believe that she was feeling Lexa’s touch again. It was real. She didn’t have to go on without Lexa.
“Thank you for keeping your promise. I’m so proud of you for surviving. I didn’t know if you were alive or not but I didn’t think it was fair of me if I didn’t silently promise the same to you. I didn’t want to be without you, but I fought to live for you, Clarke.” Lexa gulped as tears filled her eyes, threatening to fall. “I love you. Oh, do I love you so.”
Clarke felt something crack within her and found herself weeping into Lexa’s chest.
“I love you, I love you,” she cried softly before feeling Lexa maneuver them to sit on the mattress.
Lexa adjusted the blankets around them until they were sharing them and their body heat as she pressed firmly against Clarke. She leaned down and press soothing kisses to Clarke’s head, rubbing her hand along the slant of her back. Lexa let her own tears fall as they both processed and expressed every feeling that overtook their tired bodies. It was hard to accept how close they came to losing each other and that for hours, they truly believed that death had separated them. It was taxing to instantly go from feeling such loss, grief to relief, and elation. It would take a little time to fully process everything to let the pain that they were still feeling fade.
Minutes later, when the tears slowly came to a stop, Clarke tilted her head and lovingly captured Lexa’s lips into a kiss. Simply forgetting and uncaring that there were others in the room, Lexa melted into Clarke and exchanged soft kisses to refamiliarize themselves with each other again. Clarke moved to thread her fingers into Lexa’s unruly curls that still felt a bit damp and was careful to not accidentally tug on any knots. They breathed each other in, letting their newfound love be felt with each press of their lips. Lexa eventually swiped her tongue along Clarke’s upper lip, shifting to deepen the kiss. Clarke eagerly parted her lips for Lexa’s tongue, passionately letting their tongues reunite. Lexa panted while Clarke moaned quietly, their hands tightening their hold on each other.
Someone obnoxiously cleared their throat.
They're reluctant to break apart, but they do to take each other in again with their eyes. Clarke licked her lips, twirling a strand of dark hair between her fingers before choosing to ask what has been on her mind.
“Lexa, what had happened? When we were underwater, I held on, but then it felt like some force just yanked you away.”
Lexa turned her head away, a small blush appearing on her cheeks. Clarke lifted a hand to tilt her face back toward her. She didn’t want those green eyes hidden away from her.
“Those suspenders you adore so much, they nearly killed me.”
Clarke paused her twirling.
“What do you mean?”
“Somehow they got caught on the stern or the railing. I was being dragged down with the Titanic. That’s what pulled me from you. I panicked for a moment thinking that was really how I was going to go out before remembering I could unclip them from my pants. I didn’t think I was going to get to the surface in time. It was close. By the time I regained my breath, you were nowhere in sight.” Lexa sighed, feeling a bit guilty. “I yelled for you, Clarke. I tried to find you. I’m sorry I failed you.”
“Lexa, no, don’t think that.” Clarke moved to clasped Lexa’s face between her hands, her eyes staring intensely into Lexa’s. “You didn’t fail me. You fought to stay alive and you did. If you hadn’t --” her voice cracked with emotion. “You didn’t fail, and it wasn’t your fault. I’m glad that you’re so stubborn and that you basically told death to go fuck themselves.”
Lexa gasped, pretending to be scandalized, but her amusement shined through.
“What a dirty mouth for a first class lady,” Lexa teasingly smirked. “I think I'm fond of it.”
“You better be. It’s your bad influence that did it, after all.” Clarke joked, leaning in to peck Lexa on the lips. “So, what happened afterward? I had to punch a guy in the face for trying to use me as his personal lifejacket. I ended up finding a door to lay on after I had to quit searching for you.”
“You socked a guy, and I missed it? Damn.” Lexa shook her head, silently fuming that someone tried to drown Clarke. “I had to tell a few people to piss off, especially after I found a broken piece of a staircase to climb onto.” Her eyes turned distant, remembering the people she denied and how she noticed their corpses drifting a small distance away from her location. “They didn’t survive.”
Clarke frowned, her hands moving to grip onto Lexa’s tightly. She knew the horror they had gone through. It would take both of them time to cope with the trauma and the consequences of the sinking.
“You did what you had to do to survive. There is no shame in that.” Clarke soothingly rubbed Lexa’s knuckles. “You’re here with me because of that survival instinct. I know that doesn’t make it feel any better, but you’re not alone. We’re together and we’re going to deal with this together too.”
Lexa inhaled deeply and let it out slowly before giving a short nod.
“I’ll hold you to that.”
“I want you to.” Clarke smiled. “There’s a future waiting for us. I want it. I want it all with you.”
“They’d said that it may take us 3 days to reach New York.” Lexa moved to stroke Clarke’s chin. “You’re really coming with me.” She murmured to herself, not knowing how she had gotten so lucky to have a girl wanting to share a life filled with adventures with her. “We’ll travel and go to that pier we talked about. Drink cheap beer, go on the rollercoasters, ride horses on the beach, right into the surf.”
“Ride like a man!”
“Yes, do it like men.” Lexa chuckled. “Every morning, we’ll wake up wrapped up in each other, never knowing what the day will offer us, but we’ll find out together.”
“Together. It sounds like a dream.”
“It is until it’s not. We’re going to make it our truth and live to the fullest.” Lexa grinned, alight with enthusiasm for their new lives together. She couldn’t wait to show Clarke everything the world had to offer and more. “I’ll take you the stars and back, Clarke. Everything in between, I’ll give you the entirety of all that I am and offer you all that I can give to you. I love you.”
“You’ve already given me the most precious jewel in the world, your heart. That and your presence is all I’ll ever truly need from you, Lexa. “Clarke gave a tearful smile. “I jump, you jump, right? I love you too.”
They embraced once more, excitement igniting as they eagerly awaited to start their new life together. There were so many things to do and many sights to see. They were also looking forward to learning what their relationship would end up teaching them about each other. It had been only a short number of days since they met, and they wanted to learn everything about each other. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
They would go on to get to know each other completely. They would go on to explore all in between New York and California. They would visit the pier, go on rollercoasters till they got sick, and ride on horses as men do along the beach. It was everything they had promised to each other, and they lived joyously. All the old and new promises they had made were never broken.
They held on forever.
And they never let go.