Archive of Our Own

Yaku thinks he knows a bit about love. He has seen it many times; the brush of Father’s fingers on Mother’s cheeks, the way his little sister’s eyes lit up at the sight of another cat in the house, how Kuroo gazes at Kenma with his lazy stares, and sometimes they are even more mundane than that, not easily noticed.

(Like flowers and fairy lights, like steady breath and going back home.)

Yaku thinks he knows about love, even though he doesn’t know much. He wonders, often, if he will recognize it once love comes to him. Sometimes he is afraid he will miss it, and Kuroo tells him that you just know, tells him that you won’t miss the fireworks, tell him that your chest will flutter. Yaku doesn’t know if Kuroo is exaggerating, but if there are fireworks, if there will be something fluttering, then he shouldn’t be worried to miss love when it comes to him.

(Like the sound of volleyball against the wooden gym floor, like the smell of Air Salonpas on sweaty skin.)

Yaku breathes and observes Lev, whose arms are still flapping around like a lost bird and still lowers his elbows out of habits. He misses the spike, as Yaku has expected, but turns around to look at Yaku, eyes being too bright for someone who has failed.

“Yaku-san,” he says. “Yaku-san, I think I am getting better!”

Yaku feels funny on the inside, like something is tingling him. He scoffs and tells Lev that he can only say that if he hadn’t missed the spike, and watches the way Lev frowns and pouts like a six-year-old.

“But Yaku-san,” Lev says again, “every progress is worth a celebration!”

“Is that what you read in Literature today, Lev?” Kuroo asks as he walks pass, bouncing a ball in his hands. “I think I had the same reading material in the first year, too.”

Lev’s face reddens. “Captain!” he whines. “I wanted to impress Yaku-san. Now he won’t think I’m a smart kid.”

Kuroo barks a laugh and walks away, throwing a knowing look at Yaku before handing a ball to Kenma, who is now groaning. Yaku pretends not to see it, and assures himself that he doesn’t know what that look means.

“You are anything but smart,” Yaku remarks.

“For someone as short as you, you sure are a big meanie, Yaku-san!”

“Lev,” Yaku calls, voice as sweet as licorice, “you have five seconds to run.”

-oOo-

On his graduation day, Yaku is pulled to the side by a very tall Russian. Lev brings him to the darker side of the schoolyard, and when he leans down to get a better look at Yaku, his eyes are earnest. Yaku tries to find any hesitation, searching, anything that is left behind, forgotten to be picked up. While doing that, Yaku also tries to see what Lev is going to say; what is there so secretive that Lev has to pull him out of the crowd.

Instead, he finds himself looking into the eyes of someone who knows. Yaku blinks, wondering what Lev knows that he doesn’t.

“Yaku-san.”

It’s always Yaku-san, Yaku-san. Sometimes Yaku wonders if Lev will get tired of calling him so often, and although it is a silly thought, he is scared of not being able to hear it once he has graduated.

“Yes, Lev?”

Lev breathes in. “Yaku-san,” he says again, like he is rehearsing.

Yaku never loses his composure. He always maintains a straight face whenever Kuroo plays flirting with him, and at most rolls his eyes when the spiked guy says something incredibly stupid. It’s the same thing with Lev too, Yaku thinks; although Lev might not be flirting, but how his lips wrap his name like it means something—

Yaku never loses his composure, but he lets his eyes droop at his own name. It might be the last time he hears that, now that he is going to college and will no longer spend his time at Nekoma Gym. He presses Lev’s voice into his brain, decides that this is something worth remembering. Yaku-san Yaku-san Yaku-san.

It feels like eons until he finds his voice to answer, “What is it, Lev?”

Yaku sees the glimmer in Lev’s eyes, and can only silently watch as the younger boy takes a small step back. Lev breathes, as if he is trying to steady himself. It’s a funny view, because Lev is never steady. He is never constant; always full of surprises and does whatever he likes. He still takes tosses that aren’t for him and his volleyball skill is either really good or really bad for that day.

So really, steady is an obscure effort on Lev’s part. Yaku doesn’t say anything though, still waiting patiently.

“You are going to uni,” Lev starts.

Yaku rolls his eyes. “Sharp as ever, I see.”

“Yaku-saaan!” Lev whines. “Let me finish!”

Yaku fights the smile that crawls onto his face.

“You are going to uni,” Lev repeats, less hesitant. “And you will be so far—“

“I’ll still be in Tokyo, Lev.”

Lev shoots him an annoyed look. “I thought this was my turn to speak, Yaku-san.”

“When is it not?”

“And you will be so far from your home” Lev continues, ignoring Yaku and Yaku snorts, “from Nekoma, from the volleyball club, and…” Lev looks away and Yaku thinks, Ah. There it is. The hesitation.

“Yeah?” Yaku tilts his head.

“And you will be so far from me,” Lev says. He is still looking at the ground, as if something is interesting on his shoes. “And… Yaku-san, even though I only get to play with you for not even a whole year, I am still very happy.”

Yaku blinks. There is no practice without him shouting at Lev, telling him that he is still so clumsy and seems to be not in control of his own limbs, shoving him away when he interrupts Yaku’s personal bubble. Practice session with Lev… intrigues him, Yaku decides on the word. Is he happy?

“And grateful, too, of course! Because you are like, the best libero there is in Japan and I get to be on the same team with you!”

“I’m pretty sure you have only matched with mostly teams from Tokyo,” Yaku points out. He lets his eyes soften. “But thank you, Lev. It’s been—“

“Yaku-san, my turn,” Lev reminds him.

“You are lucky this is my last day,” Yaku hisses and crosses his arms.

Lev looks at him playfully. “Back to the matters in hand,” he says. The serious tone doesn’t suit him. Yaku wants to tell him he doesn’t even know what Lev is talking about, but lets him be. “And sometimes… I look at you and I am in awe of… of you. And sometimes I blush over things you say, even when they don’t mean anything. And I start to think about you like, like not even about volleyball, Yaku-san!”

Yaku tries to see the end of this conversation. “Okay,” he says at last.

“And—” Lev stops to inhale for a few seconds.

“Lev, have you been rehearsing this?”

“No!” Lev says. “Well, yeah, but not rehearsing rehearsing!”

Yaku has no idea what that means.

“Like, I’ve been wanting to tell you this for months and I really, really thought it would be better if you didn’t know, but Kuroo said we only live once and he told me I might not get to see you again and I am so scared and—“

“Lev,” Yaku says. Lev is babbling again, and when he babbles, his words are meaningless. “Why did you even ask Kuroo for advice?”

“Well!” Lev frowns. “There’s no way I ask for yours, Yaku-san.”

“Alright.” Yaku sighs. It’s not like he is offended or anything. “Are you going to continue? Or…?”

“Yes, yes.” Lev nods. But he is silent again, and now he is chewing on his lips. He draws another sharp breath and says, “I really really like you, Yaku-san.”

Yaku blinks. “I like playing with you, too,” he says.

Lev drags a long groan out of his throat. “It’s not like that,” he whines. His arms flap to his side, defeated. “I think I might be… in love?”

It’s more like a question than a statement, like Lev isn’t sure himself. Yaku blinks again. The word love has caught him off-guard, and the way Lev throws it so easily…

“Oh,” Yaku manages to say. He tries to say anything else, but there is nothing. What do you say when someone tells you they love you? Yaku has gotten love letters and confessions several times, but they never say love the first time, right? Shouldn’t love goes… gradually? Like taking baby steps?

“And, this is not me asking you to go out with me!”

“It’s… not?”

“Although I really want to,” Lev says, nodding. “It’s a confession, so you don’t have to say anything back, Yaku-san.”

“I don’t?”

Lev nods again. “Yeah, because that way you can’t reject me, and then you can visit me during practice if you want to without feeling awkward, and we can go act normal again!”

Yaku looks at him. Don’t people normally want their feelings to be reciprocated when they confess? Lev is far from normal though, Yaku thinks.

“So there it is!” Lev says. He claps his hands. “I like you, Yaku-san. And I still want to be close with you.”

“I won’t live around here again,” Yaku tells him. “I’m renting an apartment near campus, so…”

“Maybe I can visit,” Lev says. “And you can come during practice, too! And by then, I will be the ace.”

That sounds a lot like a promise. Yaku smile is thin, barely there, but the way Lev’s eyes light up, Yaku knows he sees it.

“Okay,” Yaku says. “I’ll visit sometimes.”

“Yeah!”

“Although, if your spikes are still as messy as they are now, and if you can’t keep your hands close when you block—“

“I knoooow, Yaku-san,” Lev whines. His body is slouched. “There are many things I have to fix, and I promise you I’ll get better, even when you don’t practice with me anymore.”

Yaku nods slowly. Right. Of course Lev won’t be practicing with him. Right.

“Yaku-san,” Lev calls again. He is back on chewing his lips. “Can I… can I kiss you?”

Yaku’s eyes go wide. Kiss?

“On the cheek,” Lev quickly says. “A friendly kiss.”

“I thought you like me romantically?”

Lev pouts. “If I said a romantic kiss, Yaku-san probably wouldn’t want to. So…”

Yaku snorts a laugh and pulls Lev down, pressing a chaste kiss on his left cheek. Lev’s mouth is agape, and he stares silently for so long until Yaku wonders if what he did was wrong and uninvited.

“That’s unfair,” Lev says. His face is ten different shades of red. “It was supposed to be me.”

“I can’t really undo it, can I?”

Lev hums into consideration. “You can cancel it,” he says, “with another kiss on the right.”

“Are you trying to bargain with me?” Yaku snorts, but his hand is back at Lev’s collar and pulls him down again. The kiss lingers just a few seconds longer, and when he pulls away, Yaku feels his face is getting hot.

“I hope you do well in university, Yaku-san.”

Suddenly the word university feels so heavy, like it carries a weight Yaku doesn’t want to take. Yaku licks his lips. “You better be the next Nekoma ace, yeah?”

“Yeah!” Lev nods, thrilled with the image. He walks, so Yaku follows him. “And you promise you will visit? So you can still see me play?”

“Of course.”

“And will you come to the matches, too?”

“If my schedule is free,” Yaku says.

Lev stops without warning and he is facing Yaku again. He is smiling, and Yaku shouldn’t feel weird about it because he has seen the sheepish smile many times before. “Okay!” he says and moves slightly. Yaku doesn’t get the chance to be startled, because next, he feels Lev’s wet mouth against his cheek.

“I really can’t wait, Yaku-san,” Lev tells him. If he notices the flush on Yaku’s face, he doesn’t say anything about it.

Yaku doesn’t know what it is that he can’t wait for, but he nods along. “Yeah,” he says, and continues walking. The glimmer in Lev’s eyes reminds Yaku of the stars, and Yaku wonders, in silence, if this is how love looks like.

-oOo-

In his second year at university, Yaku still visits Nekoma at least once every two months. He has been taking extra classes to graduate sooner, and it’s hard to take a 40 minutes train ride simply to see a high school volleyball practice, but he wants to see how his old team is doing. Kuroo told him it was for Lev, not for the practice’s sake. Yaku told him to shut up.

Two years after the confession, Yaku doesn’t know what to call… this; him and Lev. Are they friends, or are they something more? The question bugs Yaku more than he likes to admit, and he never says it out loud. Not to Kuroo, not to Kai, and certainly not to Lev.

It sounds stupid though, isn’t it? It’s not a question you ask when you are 20 years old, because Yaku is 20 years old and he shouldn’t be thinking about such silly matters… right? Lev only told him he liked him, and it’s been two years, so the matter should be forgotten by now. They don’t do any dating stuff, like holding hands and kissing and hugging and whatever there is. Lev texts him daily though, and sometimes Yaku calls him until he hears soft snores from the other line. But really, there is nothing much.

(Yaku told Kuroo that no, we are not dating. Kuroo asked Yaku, would you be okay if Lev dated someone else? Yaku told Kuroo that it was a silly question, Kuroo told him to think about it hypothetically because you two are like Kenma and I before we started officially dating.)

Kuroo clung unto the word ‘officially’ like it would make Yaku change his mind. Yaku doesn’t think about it, doesn’t want to.

Yaku had met Lev’s family several times. The first time he saw them was during a preliminary match, just a few months after the new semester had started. Once he saw two tall women, each with platinum blonde hair, Yaku immediately knew who they were. What Yaku didn’t know was, they recognized Yaku, too.

“Yaku-Kun, isn’t it?” Lev’s mom asked him when he was shoved to sit by their side. There wasn’t any space left at the stadium. She had the same ease in his face as Lev. So that’s where he got it.

“Ah, yes. Nice to meet you, Haiba-san,” Yaku said, bowing. He had hoped he didn’t look stupid, because he didn’t know if Lev’s family adopted Russian culture more than Japanese or if it was the other way around.

“Oooh, you’re the guy on Lev’s phone!”

Yaku looked at a girl whose height was somewhere near Lev’s. Lev’s older sister, Yaku thought. Lev had talked about her several times, mostly complaining because she liked to use Lev’s face to experiment her make-up skill.

“On Lev’s phone?” Yaku repeated.

“Hush, Alissa,” said Haiba-san.

“What?” Alissa shot back. She was pouting; Yaku had seen the same pout on Lev’s face countless times. “It’s always Yaku-san this and Yaku-san that with Lev.”

Yaku’s face reddened. “Oh,” he breathed out, at a loss of words. He hoped it was nothing embarrassing.

The whistle went off before Haiba-san could elaborate and Yaku was washed with relief. Thank god, he couldn’t bear hearing Lev talking about him any longer. He gave the Haiba a polite smile and quickly moved his gaze to the court.

(Yaku was invited to dinner with the Haiba later after the match. He didn’t have the chance to say no, because Lev was already dragging him along by the wrist, eyes bright and mouth pulled into a smile.)

Yaku slowly has taken a liking on the Haiba, though it exhausts him sometimes because all of them are a bursting ball of energy, except for Lev’s dad, an accountant with sharp dark eyes. Yaku figures it’s normal to be so close with a friend’s family, because that’s what him and Lev are. Yaku knows it’s not love, because there are no fireworks and his heart doesn’t skip a beat. 

(“And I figured you are a big dumb idiot,” Kuroo told him. Yaku told him to shut up, again.)

Now Yaku has been waiting for Lev during his practice. He shouldn’t have come on Tuesday really, since he has two classes and a tutor session with an underclassman on Wednesday. But Lev sent him three texts about ive really really missed you Yaku-san!!!! (゜´Д｀゜) and truly, Yaku doesn’t get to choose.

So here they are: At the new ice cream parlor just down the streets Lev has been dying to go, insisting that he’s not going if it’s not with Yaku. Lev is looming over his ice cream: strawberry cheesecake and sweet purple potato. A terrible combination, Yaku thinks.

Yaku doesn’t know why Lev still insists on meeting him, even two years after the confession. Yaku never tells him how he feels after that too, because honestly, is there anything to say? Lev told Yaku he didn’t have to say anything anyway. Kuroo said Yaku is being ruthless and inconsiderate, that Lev might be hurting. But seeing Lev right now: still with the same glimmer in his crinkled eyes and the corners of his mouth tugged up, he looks like he is happy—is happy the right word?

“Have you decided?” Yaku asks.

Lev looks up from his cone. “On what?”

Yaku peers at the trace of ice cream on Lev’s face, the color purple right below his cheekbone. How it got there, Yaku has no idea. He reaches forward and swipes it with his thumb, momentarily feels how Lev tensed up under the touch. 

“Uni,” Yaku tells him as he draws back. He takes a spoonful of his own ice cream: vanilla and choco-mint. (Boring, Yaku-san!)

“Oh!” Lev lights up. “I’ll go to the same uni as you, of course.”

Yaku glares. “What?”

Lev raises an eyebrow. “Why?” he asks and licks again, as if he didn’t just settle his mind on a future decision so easily.

“That’s supposed to be my line.” Yaku frowns again. So he repeats: “Why?”

“Uh, I heard they have a pretty good volleyball team?” Lev offers, though he doesn’t sound sure. "And their English major is okay, too! That’s what you said, Yaku-san.”

Yaku did say that, because Lev had asked, not because he wanted to lure Lev into the same uni as he does. “It’s pretty hard to get in,” Yaku says, careful.

“Then I just need to study, right, Yaku-san?” Lev licks his ice cream again. “Just like volleyball! I was pretty bad but then I got better because I practiced.”

“You like volleyball,” Yaku points out. “That’s why you enjoy practicing so much. Meanwhile, you hate studying. They are two different things.”

“Hmm.” Lev looks up. His eyebrows are drawn together, like he is seriously considering what Yaku said—as he should.

Yaku sighs and sets his cup aside. The vanilla ice cream is melting already, leaving a pool of white around the green. “Lev, is it because of me?”

Lev looks like he has been caught: mouth slightly apart and eyes wide. He pouts. “I just want to see you every day, Yaku-san,” he whines. “If I go somewhere else… it’s going to be the same! I can only see you once in a month, or even longer. Not to mention if I go somewhere that isn’t in Tokyo!”

Lev slumps in his seat, lowering himself. They are almost at eye-level now, and Yaku sort of hates it; how tall Lev is and how there is a 30 centimetres difference between them.

“And I want to visit your place, Yaku-san!” Lev says again. He is still pouting. With an ice cream cone in his hand that is almost dripping, he looks a lot like a five-year-old. “You never allow me to visit.”

Yaku winces at the complaint. He doesn’t trust Lev enough that he can take a train without getting lost on his own. Beside, Yaku surely can’t handle being in the same room with Lev alone, despite them being just friends. The thought itself makes Yaku flusters.

“And you’ve come to my house many times, Yaku-san!” Lev continues to strengthen his point. “That’s not fair.”

Yaku wants to tell him it’s because Lev dragged him to on every occasion (though he enjoyed the visit as well). “You might regret this, you know,” Yaku says softly. There is no guarantee the two will stay like this: close and in-touch every day. If Yaku is Lev’s main motivation, once the two fall out… Yaku doesn’t know what will happen to Lev then. Will Lev be sad…?

“Don’t you want to be with me, Yaku-san?”

Yaku’s head jerks up at the question. What does Lev mean, being with him? His face scrunched up in confusion. Is it… as in romantically? Or is it as friends? Yaku was sure Lev had let go of his feelings.

“Sure, you’re a good friend,” Yaku settles at the end. He won’t be taking any risks, not today.

Lev bites the last of his cone and cups his face on both hands. “Yaku-san,” he calls again, dragging Yaku’s name slowly. Yaku gulps. “Will you… will you tell me?”

“Huh?”

“If… if you like someone,” Lev stutters. He is staring at the table, away from Yaku’s gaze.

Oh.

“Yeah, sure,” Yaku says, licking his lips.

Lev nods. “Okay!”

Yaku needs to stir away from this topic. “And about your uni choice…”

“I’ll study really hard,” Lev promises. “My grades are getting better, too!”

Lev is looking at him again: eyes bright and full of hopes, and also of determination. Yaku sees himself in the green. Yaku sighs. Lev won’t let go of something until he gets it, and maybe Yaku can’t stop him from making a stupid decision based on a silly high school crush.

“Mhmm,” Yaku mumbles. “Alright, I’ll be waiting for you, then.”

Lev smiles widely at the promise, and Yaku convinces himself the sudden warmth is from the heat outside.

-oOo-

The first time Lev visits his place is four days after the new semester starts. Yaku doesn’t even know he is visiting until he hears a distinct Yaku-san, followed by a series of knocking on his door at 7 PM. When he opens the door, Lev is smiling sheepishly at him.

“Yaku-san!”

Yaku stares at him in confusion. Lev is wearing a pastel tie-dye sweater, the one that Yaku once complimented. He is towering over Yaku, and his smile is still persistent on his face. Yaku squints. “Did I ever give you my address?”

“Oh, you told me when you first moved out, Yaku-san,” Lev says, like it is normal to remember something from three years ago. “So I thought I should pay you a visit!”

“You thought…?” Yaku frowns.

Lev tilts his head. “Or… am I disturbing you? Are you in the middle of something? Because I can—“

“No, not really.” Yaku shakes his head and stands aside, allowing Lev to step in. “I was just doing my paper.”

Lev’s shoulders drop at the word. “Paper,” he repeats as he passes. “Is it hard?”

Yaku lets himself stand against the door, watching Lev puts off his shoes and walks towards the worn-out couch. Doesn’t Lev have something to do? It was hard for Yaku to breathe during his first days of uni, having extra assignments and other typical freshmen works. He didn’t go anywhere beside to the campus and his apartment during the first month.

“Not really,” Yaku says and goes to the kitchen to pour them a drink. Cold milk for Lev and black coffee for Yaku.

“Your place is really big, Yaku-san! And very nice, too! There are even rooms.”

Yaku remembers Lev tells him he lives in the campus dorm, because it’s good for experience, his parents had said. It’s a 4x4 meters dorm for two people. It’s a wise decision, but also risky for a kid as reckless as Lev. Yaku can’t imagine having Lev as a roommate. His head throbs at the idea.

Lev is sitting comfortably on the couch. His legs are crossed and his back is pressed against the cushion. In a sweater and sweatpants, Lev shouldn’t be looking that cuddly, Yaku thinks. He bites the inside of his cheeks.

“Thank you,” Yaku says as he sets down the mugs, sitting beside Lev. He keeps a safe distance. “Don’t you have freshmen things to do?”

It seems to be an avoided topic for Lev, because he pulls a pout and groans against his palms. “Aah, they are stressing me out, Yaku-san!” He looks desperate, biting his lips. “My roommate is a really ambitious kid, so it gives me extra pressure! I thought I could take a break, so…”

“So you came to my place,” Yaku concludes and sips his drink.

“Yes!” Lev nods. And without a beat: “I’ve missed you.”

Yaku tries not to think about it. Friends miss each other, don’t they? He can hear Kuroo’s you’re stupid in his head. Yaku swats the voice away and repeats the word silently: friends.

“We just met three days ago,” Yaku tells him.

“Well, on the campus! I said hi! And you only waved at me!”

“You yelled.”

“Well!” Lev crosses his hands on his chest and huffs. “Still! You were rude, Yaku-san.”

“Yes, yes.” Yaku rubs his temple. His paper is nowhere near finished, and with Lev being here… He sighs, defeated. “You should be finishing the assignments, you know. They’re not going to be done by themselves.”

“I just need a break, Yaku-san,” Lev whines. “And to see your place! It’s funny how someone as small as you are live in a really spacious apartment, though…”

Yaku shoots him a glare. First-year Lev would probably shiver from it, but present-Lev only snickers. Lev throws his head back and closes his head, humming. Yaku notices his under eyes are darker than he remembers. It must be from the all-nighter he’s been pulling for the entrance exam.

Seeing Lev like this makes Yaku feels… something. He’s not sure what, but he doesn’t like the feeling. This, Yaku thinks, is why he doesn’t allow Lev to visit.

“I’ll get back to my paper, alright?”

“Mhmm.”

“Tell me if you need anything.”

Lev hums again.

Yaku nods to himself and gets back to his bed. His things are already sprawling on the sheets: his laptop, a few books he borrowed, and several paper stacks. He isn’t sure why Lev came in the first place if he’s going to have a nap, but it’s better this way. Maybe. If the two interact more, Yaku knows the funny feeling will grow.

He swats the thought away and starts flipping books, skimming through the words, typing into his laptop, searching for journals. He must keep his mind occupied, or else he will be thinking about Lev again.

Yaku is getting better at that: not thinking about Lev. In his defense, he doesn’t think about Lev that often. After all, Yaku and Lev are mere friends. It would be better if Lev wasn’t so loud and didn’t demand attention at all times. The fact that Lev is here, just a few steps away, doesn’t help him.

He flinches when a hand touches his shoulder.

“What?” he asks, not bothering to look. He feels the bed shifts, dipping from another weight. Lev sits behind him and presses his forehead on top of Yaku’s head. Yaku pretends he isn't tensed up. “Lev,” he calls again.

“Wanna sleep,” Lev mumbles. “But also want to be with you.”

It must be the sleep talking. Yaku ignores the heat on his face, and ignores what Lev had just said too.

“You can sleep on the couch,” Yaku suggests. With his stuffs on the bed, there isn’t a lot of space.

“Want to be with you,” Lev repeats, stubborn as ever, already thick with sleep.

Yaku breaths. There is no point in making an argument with a half-asleep person, especially when said person is Haiba Lev. 

“Hang on.” Yaku shifts and Lev pulls away lazily, quiet whine stuck at his throat. It takes a while for Yaku to gather his things, leaving only his laptop and a stack of papers. Once he has put the rest on the night table, Yaku looks at Lev and pats at a pillow behind him. “You can lie down.”

Lev blinks through his sleep. He moves backward and presses his back onto the headboard, leg sprawled long. He takes the pillow and places it behind his head, then tugs at Yaku’s wrist.

Yaku looks at him.

“What?”

“With you,” Lev says, groggy. His eyes dart from the bed to the ceiling, and meets Yaku’s at last. “You can—like, rest on me.”

Oh.

This sounds a lot like a bad idea, and Yaku shouldn’t comply, really. He is 21 years old, and he is an Adult, and Lev is only 19, and is a reckless teenage boy with no fear of anything. But Yaku finds himself shuffling backwards until his back is pressed on Lev’s chest (or stomach, more like). Lev lets a satisfied sigh and dozes off.

It’s hard not to think about Lev when they are like this: Lev’s legs touching Yaku’s and Lev’s soap faintly linger near Yaku’s nose. It’s hard for Yaku to keep reading a journal when they are like this: Lev’s hands on his legs and his breaths are steady, barely reaching Yaku’s hair.

Yaku tries to do both: not thinking about Lev and focusing on his paper.

(He hears Kuroo’s stupid on the back of his head, and he tells the voice to shut up.)

It’s scary how comfortable Lev is with him, how easy for Lev to let his guard down like Yaku didn’t spend his last school year scolding and kicking Lev whenever the boy messed up. Yaku shouldn’t be his safe place, but Lev treats him as such and really, Yaku doesn’t have the heart to tell Lev not to. Especially when he might be enjoying this. Lev enjoys this too. Maybe. Hopefully.

Yaku only manages half an hour until he closes the silver laptop. It’s 8.15, says the digital clock on the night table. The paper isn’t due until the weekend. He can slack off a bit tonight. A problem: Lev is resting against him, and remembering the dark ghost under his eyes, Yaku truly doesn’t want to wake him up.

Yaku sighs and closes his eyes, his breath finds its way to match Lev’s rhythm.

-oOo-

When Yaku opens his eyes, it’s because the caress of his hair and the sound of someone humming. He stays still and peeks at the clock: 11.10 PM.

“Lev,” Yaku pulls away, placing Lev’s hands on his own thighs, “how long have you been awake?”

“Maybe an hour,” comes Lev’s reply.

“And you didn’t wake me up?” Yaku asks rhetorically. When he moves, his muscles scream in pain. Surely Lev isn’t feeling any better, pressed between the headboard and Yaku for hours.

“You looked really tired, Yaku-san.” Lev grins, like he just did something. “You needed it.”

“You’re lucky I didn’t sleep until morning,” Yaku hisses. He is facing Lev now, cross-legged between Lev’s long limbs.

Lev shrugs. “I wouldn’t mind though,” he says. And Yaku, who has known him for three years, believes him. He looks at the clock and says, “I have to go back to my dorm.”

It’s nearly midnight, and Yaku is a responsible upperclassman. Also maybe Yaku wants Lev to stay. Maybe. Or rather, obviously. Yaku chews on his lips, deciding.

“You can stay,” Yaku says. Upon Lev’s dumbfounded expression, he quickly adds, “If you want to.”

“Jeez, Yaku-san. You’re being extra nice today!”

Yaku shoots him a look. It’s supposed to be a scary one, not the one that screams fond. Lev is grinning at him. For a moment, Yaku feels like time has stopped: his eyes on Lev’s and Lev’s on Yaku’s. When the time has thawed, Yaku finds himself moving forward. His left-hand pulls Lev’s collar, like what he did during the graduation day, the other reaches for Lev’s neck, pulling him down.

This shouldn’t be happening, Yaku thinks to himself, but his hands don’t let go. This might be a mistake, Yaku thinks of himself, but his eyes are pinned on Lev’s, brave.

Lev leans down. It feels like there is a pause somewhere here, when Lev looks at him for a few seconds. The mere seconds bring a shiver down Yaku’s spine. Has he done the wrong thing? Or… could it be Lev doesn’t want him anymore?

But it’s only a few seconds until Lev presses close to Yaku’s lips. Yaku breathes once and kisses him back.

The first kiss isn’t long, just two lips pressing each other, just Lev’s soft lips against Yaku’s chapped lips. When they break apart, Yaku looks into Lev’s eyes, searching for hesitation and consideration. None of them are found, and Lev licks his lips. He doesn’t have any other choice other than kiss him again.

(Against his mouth, Yaku thinks he might be wanting this for long.)

Lev tastes like milk, Yaku thinks as he bites Lev’s lips on purpose. That gives him a stuttered moan, also a soft tug at his hair. His thumb brushes Lev’s poking collarbones and Yaku sucks on the lips, determined to leave something for the view later. When Lev whimpers, he presses his forehead against Lev’s skin.

On his mouth, Yaku murmurs, “Where do you want to take this, Lev?”

His breath is hot against Lev’s pale skin. He pulls away to look at Lev properly: eyes glossy and face flushed, and he isn’t Yaku’s, really. But from the way his breath shudders, Yaku knows it doesn’t take much. A nudge, maybe. A little push, at most.

“Anywhere,” Lev breathes. “Anywhere you’d like, Yaku-san.”

But the green eyes plead to Yaku: please don’t hurt me please don’t hurt me please don’t and I love you I love you I love you and please love me too because I love you and please please please.

Yaku’s heart flutters. Behind his eyes, he swears he could see fireworks and for a moment, it feels like everything has aligned perfectly, like a stupid realization in rom-com. If he stares a bit longer, Yaku thinks, he can see stars bursting in Lev’s eyes.

“Okay,” Yaku replies. Only then he realizes it’s up to him now, about him and Lev. And it could be not him and Lev. Yaku could tell him it’s a one-time thing, that the kiss is a mistake, and Lev would gladly accept, because that’s just how Lev is.

Lev, now lying on the bed with Yaku sitting on him, is still looking at him; lips wet and parted. Yaku ducks and kisses him again, and Lev sighs, like he has been holding his breath, like he has been waiting..

Although Lev is much bigger than Yaku, although his palm is the size of Yaku’s face, Yaku feels like he’s bigger right now, sitting on top of Lev’s body.

Yaku’s breath hitches. He finally sees: how open and vulnerable Lev is under his touch. It’s too much, to hold such power over someone. Just a twist, just a twist and he can break Lev.

“We will take this slow, yeah?” Yaku offers, speaking against Lev’s jaw. The kisses don’t stop; he goes for Lev’s throat, lightly licks over his Adam’s apple.

“Yeah.” Lev sighs again. He throws his head back, exposing more of his neck.

“It’s okay with you?”

“If that’s what you’d like, Yaku-san.”

If that’s what you’d like.

God. Lev is stupidly in love, isn’t he? He must be—

“What do you want, Lev?” 

Lev looks at him. A question lingers in the pool of green. What?

Lev’s hands move to cradle Yaku’s hip. And Yaku, whose knees are rested beside Lev’s waist, shouldn’t be surprised at the touch.

He still flinches, and Lev quickly pulls away.

“You want to hold me?”

Lev nods, hesitant. Yaku lets a breathy laugh. He had expected something… like Lev asking him to fuck him. Clearly not something as innocent as this.

“Alright,” Yaku says. He takes Lev’s hands and places them by his hips again. “Like this?”

Lev nods again, still silent. His eyelids drooped, waiting. Aching, probably. Yaku can’t tell. But he knows he is patient, and still very, very quiet.

Outside Yaku’s apartment on the twelfth floor, the cars are growling on the streets and Yaku can hear the quiet whistle of the wind. Inside his room, it’s too quiet—or is every intimate moment meant to be this serene? Yaku isn’t sure, given that his last sexual experience with someone else was in high school, a messy handjob session inside the storage room between classes. But Lev—Lev is loud and bright and is a box full of discovery every day. Lev is not… collected, nor is he silent like this. Not when something he has been wanting for three years is finally happening. 

Is he… scared? Is it doubt Yaku sees? Could it be regret?

“Lev,” Yaku calls softly, but also cautious. Also ready to get off and sleep on the couch. “What’s the matter?”

Lev blinks. “I’m just—” he starts, but goes quiet again. His eyebrows are furrowed, like he hasn’t decided what to say. “Is this… going to be a one-time thing, Yaku-san?”

Yaku opens his mouth to answer, but Lev quickly blurts, “I’m sorry, I said I wouldn’t push it and yet I still did,” he says in haste. “I just—need something in mind. So I know what to expect, I guess.”

And there—oh. So this is the flutter Kuroo talked about.

 “Oh, Lev.” Yaku’s voice is feather-like. He places one palm on Lev’s chest, careful not to put any pressure. “You’ve wanted this for three years and you still don’t know what to expect?”

Lev bats his eyes, embarrassed. “I’m not sure,” he admits. His palm moves nervously on Yaku’s hips. “I know—I know what I want, but I don’t know about you.” The corners of his mouth twitch. There is something more, begging to be spitted. “I’ve always wanted you, Yaku-san.”

Good god. Yaku was going to fuck Lev, wanted to taste every inch of Lev that there is. Now he just wants to sleep and bury his face in Lev’s neck.

At last, Yaku manages to say, “Okay.”

“What about you, Yaku-san?”

He catches Lev’s stare. It’s always like this, how he sees Yaku, hopeful and honest. Yaku’s mind wanders, thinking about the flutter and the fireworks and the fucking stars that he saw. He licks his lips and grins. “I love you,” he says, weighing the words as they come out. And it feels just right—

Lev laughs silently under him. His shoulders are sagged down with relief. “You think so?”

“Mhmm.” Yaku ducks his head, peppering kisses on Lev’s face. “I know so,” he tells Lev, and catches his lips again.

Lev’s breath is shaky and hot against his skin, and in every sharp intake, Yaku thinks, so this is what love feels like. Yaku is eager to taste more, but Lev is so young, so easy to break. He is so soft on the edges—

They will take this slow; right.

“Do you have any classes tomorrow?” Yaku asks, tries to stir away from what they are doing right when Lev hands find their ways under Yaku’s shirt.

Lev frowns. “Yaku-san,” he says, brushing his cold knuckles against Yaku’s torso. “We were getting into the mood.”

Yaku tries not to think about how firm Lev clasps his body, so he snorts. “You know nothing about the mood, shut up.”

“Yaku-saaan.”

“Do you have classes or not?” he presses again.

“One,” Lev mumbles, looking away. He continues in a much smaller voice, “A morning class.”

Yaku peers at the digital clock on the night table. It’s near midnight. Lev is a heavy sleeper and takes half an hour in the bathroom alone. Morning class starts at eight; it takes a 10 minutes walk to the campus from Yaku’s place. It’s not a good time to fuck, Yaku decides. He doesn’t know if the thought relieves him or not, because he really wants too, but Lev is still so young. The image taunts him, because he has known Lev when he was a freshman in high school, and now he is a freshman in uni, and Yaku still doesn’t know if he will forever see Lev with the urge to cradle him safe.

“You said you’re okay with taking things slow, right?”

“Well, yeah, but Yaku-san—“

Yaku moves and gets off from Lev’s body, ignoring the long whine from Lev. Lev manages to catch his wrist, and when Yaku looks, he’s already pulling another pout. His brows knitted.

“Sleep,” Yaku says; tone final. “There’s always tomorrow.”

The word tomorrow seems to intrigue Lev, like it tells him it’s no longer a one-time thing only. He lets go of his grip and smiles so wide, Yaku wonders if it hurts. “Promise?” Lev holds his pinky finger up.

“You were all anything you’d like, Yaku-san not even an hour ago,” Yaku reminds him, but still meets Lev’s pinky. His fingers are so small compared to Lev’s, and maybe even his middle finger is still shorter than Lev’s pinky finger. That thought makes him frown. “What happened to that?”

“Aah, so Yaku-san likes it when I’m being submissive?”

Yaku nearly yanks away from Lev. The innocence in Lev’s question doesn’t help him. He knows his face is red, because suddenly it’s really hot and his breathing is heavier.

“Watch your mouth.” Yaku snarls at Lev’s satisfied look. His foot touches the floor and he winces from the cold.

When Yaku is out from the bathroom, a toothbrush in his mouth and a brand new one in his hand, Lev has rolled over. His face is pressed on the pillow.

“You better get up too. You have to brush your teeth.”

Lev groans in agony. His voice is muffled by the pillow when he speaks, “Why are you being my mom now?”

Yaku rolls his eyes and shoves the toothbrush into Lev’s palm. Lev takes the toothbrush and takes his hand, too.

-oOo-

20 minutes later, when they are lying next to each other, Lev’s fingers are running between Yaku’s hair and Yaku’s face is pressed against Lev’s chest.

“Did you mean it?”

Yaku’s eyes are opened again, though the darkness that greets him is similar. He pulls away to meet the cat-like eyes. Still, it’s too dark to see much.

“Huh?”

“When you said you love me,” Lev says. It’s easy to pick the uncertainty in his voice. “Do you really?”

“Of course,” comes Yaku’s answer, light. “How could I not?”

Beside him, Lev bursts into a giggle. Yaku hates to admit he sounds cute.

“I thought I had to wait for another three years,” he says. His fingers find their ways to Yaku’s cheeks. Yaku lets himself to swim in the tenderness. “I wouldn’t mind, though.”

“You’re stupid,” Yaku tells him.

“I am patient, Yaku-san,” he corrects. His thumb brushes Yaku’s lower lips and Yaku has to hold a sigh.

“You’re too optimistic for your own good,” says Yaku again. Someone shouldn’t be as naïve as Lev, really.

“It’s lucky I have Yaku-san to keep me grounded, then!”

Yaku barks a laugh. “You are a pain in the ass.”

“Hmm, literally, or figuratively?”

Yaku smacks Lev on the head.

-oOo-

Yaku wakes up at 2.30 in the morning with his back pressed against Lev and to the sound of three things: the distant grumble of engines, the shrill call of higurashi outside, and the soft breathing of Lev.

He doesn’t move. Partly because he doesn’t want to wake Lev up, partly because he is comfortable enough with Lev’s big hand on his stomach. He can see it moves along the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes. Careful, he puts his hand on the top of it.

Compared to Lev’s gigantic hand, his is very small. Lev is so big, and yet he is so young. (If he said this to Kuroo, the raven haired guy would tell him to stop acting like a 40-year-old.) And Yaku didn’t lie when he said he was afraid, because again, Lev is so easy to break. Especially when he trusts Yaku with his life, especially when he looks like he would take a bullet for Yaku if he must.

It scares Yaku shitless, because Lev has waited for three years and he might as well wait for another three if Yaku tells him to. In the back of his head, Yaku wonders if this is the love Kuroo doesn’t tell him about. The one that is selfless, the one that is sincere.

Yaku closes his eyes. He doesn’t mind, really. This is bound to happen, after all.

He loves Lev. And there are fireworks, and his heart flutters, and he feels his breath hitched whenever he sees the crinkle at Lev’s eyes. He loves Lev. There were doubts, and Yaku knows there will still be another string of it later. He loves Lev. And this is not baby steps, this is him leaping at Lev the same way Lev did for him three years ago.

Yaku breathes steadily. He doesn’t mind, really. This is bound to happen, after all.

“I love you,” Yaku tells the darkness of his room. Lev can’t hear him, but Yaku taps his hand three times lightly, hoping the message catches Lev in his dreams.

Lev’s hand tighten around him, or maybe Yaku is imagining it. But still Yaku smiles; of course.

(Of course he knows.)