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“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He maketh me…” the Pope went on. Miranda did her best to hide her yawn. She was glad that the Vatican had started performed masses in English almost exclusively, but that didn’t change how boring it was. She had wanted to meet with the Pope, but she was starting to think it wasn’t worth sitting through all this.
She sat there, fidgeting in her white dress, until the service ended. A guard came up to her and said, “His Holiness will see you now, Miss Lawson.” Miranda followed the hulking man through the elaborately decorated halls of the Vatican, and out onto a sun-lit balcony where Pope John Paul IV stood, his dark skin in high contrast with his pure white robes. “Miss Lawson, it’s good to finally meet you,” he said, his Kenyan accent not-quite-completely hidden, “I am impressed with the acts you performed for humanity with Cerberus.”
“Your Holiness,” she said, bowing her head. She didn’t find him to be particularly holy, but when in Rome… “I was wondering if we could speak alone.”
“Of course,” the Pope said, flashing a wide grin and gesturing to the guards stationed around, who reluctantly walked away, leaving Miranda and the Pope alone on the balcony. “Now, my child, what did you have to say that was so important it had to be in person?”
“I need a saint canonized,” Miranda confidently declared.
“And who would that be?” the Pope asked, obviously surprised by her forwardness.
“Salem Elizabeth Shepard,” Miranda said, “I’m sure you’ve heard the name, she is only the person who saved humanity a couple times.”
The Pope shook his head sadly and said, “Many people have suggested canonization for Miss Shepard. However, there is no indication that she was Catholic, or religious at all. Furthermore, she admitted to fornication with both aliens and women many, many times. Do you honestly think I can make someone like that holy?’
“Because if you don’t, then I’m going to Israel. Are there Jewish saints? If not, I’m sure they can find some use for her story. If not, I’m sure the Hindus will have something. Do you see where I’m going with this?” Miranda asked, “She literally saved everyone and came back from the dead, what more do you need?”
“Came back from the dead?” the Pope asked.
“I thought that would get your attention,” Miranda grinned, and activated her omni-tool. “There, I just transferred you some files regarding Project Lazarus. I’m sure you’ll see that it’s at least as miraculous as the name suggests.”
“Very well,” the Pope said wearily, “I’m going to have to read through this. Peace be with you, my child.”
Later on, while having lunch at a small Italian deli that had miraculously survived the Reapers more-or-less intact, a squirrel-cheeked woman came up to Miranda. Before Miranda could say anything, the woman activated her omni-tool, held it up, and said, “I’m Diana Allers, from the Alliance News Network. Many commenters on the Battlespace think you either bribed or threatened the Pope to receive your new, historical ‘title’. Would you care to comment on this, Miss Lawson? Or, should I say, Miss Jesus?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Miranda asked exasperatedly.
“Are you serious?” Diana cautiously asked. When she saw Miranda’s annoyed expression, she pulled a datapad out of her bag and brought up an article which she showed to Miranda. Australian miracle-worker Miranda Lawson found to be ‘born of immaculate conception’, according to Church sources, some consider her to be ‘Second Coming of Jesus’.
“Is this real?” Miranda asked.
“It sure is,” Diana said, “now could you give me some kind of biblical sounding quote, please?”
“Blessed are the dead, because their fight is over.”
Thousands of miles away, Commander Shepard woke up. Her lungs had collapsed and her blood had boiled away long ago, but her cybernetic implants still refused to let her die. She hadn’t been able to move, because she was still under tons and tons of metal. Whenever she had a moment of lucidity between hallucinations, she wished for death.