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He could hear the rain pouring outside as the clock ticked closer to midnight. It’s been some time, but he still couldn’t ignore the constant thought that he might appear again.
Ever since they rescued Nanako, on every rainy night, the Midnight Channel was blank. It would always be the same. There was no reason to think that it would be different. That he would appear again.
It was just his paranoia. Just the fear of giving into the stress again and choosing death over his friends.
“You’re just a piece of shit.”
It wasn’t even midnight yet. He could just hear the voice in his head.
“Terrible, disgusting, disappointment. You really think they care for you.”
It wasn’t true. That’s what he said before, but it was wrong. It was wrong.
“It would be just as easy as last time.”
He curled up on his bed and covered his ears, trying to block the voice out.
“Just jump in. They wouldn’t care.”
They would, he tried to tell himself. They cared before, they would care now. Right?
“It was all just an act. They want to see you break.”
“No…” His voice was quiet.
“But you’re already so broken. A mess. And no one wants that.”
He’s been through this before. “S-stop.” No matter how much he cries or pleads, the voice wasn’t going to stop.
“No one wants you. Might as well just die.”
He’s not going to try that. Not again.
“It will be better this way. No more stress, no more pain.”
It won’t be better. It would just make things worse for everybody else.
“Like they would be bothered by it. They’re all just waiting for you to make another attempt so they can laugh at how stupid you are.”
“That’s not true.” He was barely convinced himself. He saw how they reacted when he tried before. That should be enough to get him to stop feeling this way, but it wasn’t. Nothing was going to stop these thoughts from coming.
“Just do it. It’ll work this time. No bullshit is going to stop you this time.”
“N-no. No… no.” He couldn't do it.
"Stop waiting. Watching you try to stay alive is so boring.”
He wasn’t just trying. He was going to live.
“Just kill yourself already.”
Everything felt cold. His body was so tense. He couldn’t even move.
“Die.”
He couldn’t.
“Die.”
He should.
“That’s it.”
Moving slowly to push himself up. Looking at the blank TV. Should he…?
“Do it.”
Taking a step off the bed, walking towards the TV. Reaching a hand forward and watching the screen ripple at the contact.
And he pulled himself back abruptly. Falling over at the sudden movement and landing on the floor. He held tightly onto his wrist as he stared at the screen. The ripples slowly subsiding. The voice in his head was gone. There was nothing on the screen. It was just his mind going haywire again. He was fine. He was alive. He was…
So weak. Why did he have to try that again? He was an idiot. He knew exactly how everyone reacted last time. Despite what he tries to tell himself, they would react the same if he tried again. It wasn’t an act. It couldn’t be an act. It only served to make him feel worse. Just an idiot trying for an easy way out again. Ignoring how his friends actually reacted, making them out to be terrible people. He was the terrible one. So stupid for getting that close to dying again.
“Fuck.” It was barely a whisper. His body felt numb. He couldn’t move. He could only sit there and continue staring at the TV’s screen. Completely blank. No shadow. Just the faint outline of his own reflection.
It was ridiculous. It’s been weeks since he last tried and there were so many other things going on now. Something as trivial as his fragile mental state wasn’t what the team needed to focus on. They needed to focus on Nanako, making sure she was still okay after being in the TV. Whether or not he was going to kill himself was something that shouldn’t even be on their minds. That was something he should worry about and not anyone else.
“Yosuke?”
And Teddie apparently. Why the fuck did he have to wake up?
Yosuke could hear him moving in the closet. “Are you okay?” His voice was clearer and Yosuke could see him poke his head out in the corner of his eye.
There was no answer he could give. He definitely was not okay, but he didn’t know how he could say that. He couldn’t just say he was fine. He did promise he was going to be more honest about this after all. But he couldn’t even speak.
“What’s wrong?” Teddie stepped out and walked over to Yosuke, blocking the TV from his view. “Yosuke?”
He still couldn’t move. Couldn’t talk. Just cry.
Teddie quickly sat down in front of him and hugged him. “What happened?”
“Te-Ted…” Yosuke was barely loud enough to hear. “I…” He couldn’t say this to Teddie. He may already know he tried it before, but he doesn’t need to hear about it again. He couldn’t make Teddie sad again.
“Yosuke…”
But Teddie was already sad. He already knew something happened with Yosuke. He was worried and scared. Yosuke had to tell him. Even if he hated it. “Ted… I-I… tried going in…” He didn’t need to finish the sentence for Teddie to know what he meant.
Teddie turned to the TV where Yosuke still seemed to be looking. “But Yosuke, that…” He trailed off as he realized what Yosuke meant. “Were you… going to die again?” There was hurt in his eyes that made Yosuke feel worse.
With Yosuke not answering, Teddie hugged him tighter. “You can’t! I don’t want to lose you again.”
Yosuke still couldn’t move. He couldn’t help comfort Teddie. Only let them both cry as Teddie held tightly onto him. “I’m sorry.”
“Yosuke…” Teddie sobbed. “Please don’t do that again.”
“I won’t.” But Yosuke couldn’t guarantee it. He wished he could.
It took some time for Teddie to calm down. When he did, Yosuke knew he needed to talk to someone else about this. It would probably make him feel just as bad, but he had to. “Ted, can you grab me my phone? And call Yu?” He tried moving his arms, but he still couldn’t. “I… can’t move.”
Teddie nodded and jumped up to get Yosuke’s phone for him. He pressed a few buttons and put the phone next to his ear. After a moment, Yosuke could hear a muffled voice.
“Sensei! Yosuke wanted me to call you.” Teddie explained before the muffled voice returned. “He... uh…” Teddie looked over to Yosuke who gave a small nod, the best he could as his movement was slowly returning to him. “He said he tried going in the TV, and now he can’t move.” The voice on the other side was louder, but still too muffled to hear. “He’s still here.” Teddie added. “And um... Yosuke, how do I make it louder?”
Yosuke quickly explained how to put it on speaker and soon he could hear Yu’s voice coming from the phone.
“-ke, can you hear me?”
It was so good to hear his voice. “Yu… yeah, I can.”
Yu sighed. “Yosuke.” It was so good. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
“I… don’t…” He was already crying again. He didn’t want to mention everything in front of Teddie, but he couldn’t go anywhere else. “I just…”
“Would you rather talk about this later?” Yu asked.
He wouldn’t want to say anything if he waited until later. He needed to say what happened now. “J-just… the voice… my shadow.” Teddie seemed to perk up when he heard that. “Just… telling me to…” The bear got closer to him and wrapped himself around Yosuke again. “I didn’t want to, but I-I listened.”
“Yosuke…” Yu was quiet. “Is it still there?”
“No…” Yosuke hadn’t heard the voice since he almost went in the TV.
“You’ve been hearing it a lot, right?”
“Y-yeah.” Yu was the only one he told about any of this before. Yu was always the one he called after he would hear it. Because Yu was the one he was with so much after his previous attempt. He would hear the voice often during that time and Yu was the one to help him through it. And they were together now. Yu was more than his partner now, he was his boyfriend. Yu was the person he was closest to, and he trusted him. “I can’t stop it.”
“I don’t think it’s going to stop so easily.” Yu sounded tired. It made Yosuke feel worse that he had to wake Yu up just to calm him down.
Yosuke chuckled. The voice was right. He was just a piece of shit. “I want it to…” Like Yu said, though, it wasn’t going to be so easy.
“I understand.” There was a shuffling through the phone. “Yosuke, whatever the voice told you isn’t true.”
Easy for him to say when he didn’t hear it. He was a disappointment and no one cared about him. That’s what his shadow was telling him and it was true. “It is…” He was trying desperately to move his arms, only getting his fingers to work again. “I’m just so s-stupid. I s-shouldn’t of…” His words were broken up by sobs.
“Yosuke, that’s not true.” Yu’s voice had gotten louder. “You can’t listen to that voice.”
“I know…” He could finally move his arm again. Slowly lifting it away from his lap and taking the phone from Teddie. He quickly turned off the speaker and kept the phone against his ear. “I d-don’t want to hear it anymore. I can’t deal with th-this anymore.”
Teddie seemed even more concerned, now only hearing half of the conversation. He held tighter to Yosuke. Yosuke barely noticed the change.
“I just want to feel better already.” Yosuke was able to move a bit more, making his body less tense and more comfortable. “I might be fine tomorrow, but I hate every night I have to call you because my stupid shadow is trying to kill me again.”
There was silence on the phone.
Yosuke wasn’t feeling as stressed anymore. Just tired. “Yu… I hate feeling like this.”
Yu spoke up again. “Should I come over?”
“What? It’s already…” Yosuke pulled the phone away from him and checked the time. He groaned when he realized how long he kept Yu up. “One in the morning. It’s too late for you to come by.”
“I don’t care. If you want me, I’ll be there.” Yu was serious. After all this time, Yosuke didn’t think he should doubt him in that anymore. If Yu thought he needed to be there with Yosuke, he would do anything to get there. “Yosuke. Do you want me to come over?”
Yosuke really wanted to say yes. But he also knew he didn’t need Yu to come over. And he didn’t want to cause problems for Yu even though Yu would insist it’s fine. “I’ll be okay tonight.” He knew he would be. It may take some time to finally get to sleep, but he would be fine.
Yu still seemed concerned. “Are you sure?”
Last chance to change his mind. Should he try to get Yu to come over? There shouldn’t be a problem if he stayed alone. But what if there was? There never was. After the voice stopped for the night, it wouldn’t come back. He usually had a couple of days or so until it came back. He should be fine.
And if he wasn’t?
Teddie was still there. Still watching him curiously and concerned from Yosuke’s side. It was safe to assume that Teddie was going to stay with Yosuke for the rest of the night no matter what he said. Yosuke didn’t want to pull Teddie into this any more than he already had, but with Teddie near him all night, it could probably keep him from doing anything bad again. “Yeah. I’ll be fine.” He finally told Yu.
Yu sighed. "Okay." There was some sort of shifting around, almost like Yu was already about to leave the house. "Do you want to talk some more before you sleep?"
"Yeah." Yosuke ushered Teddie up so he could finally stand himself. It took a moment, but he was able to stumble over to his bed to lie down, keeping the phone against his ear as Yu started talking. Teddie ran over and jumped on the bed next to Yosuke, making himself comfortable.
Yosuke listened to Yu talk for a while, letting the voice soothe him as he started to feel himself drift off. Soon he could hear that Teddie had fallen asleep next to him. It was pretty clear by then that Yosuke should sleep as well.
By Yosuke's yawn, Yu seemed to understand. "Are you ready to go to bed?"
Yosuke smiled as he made himself more comfortable. "Yeah."
"You'll be okay?"
"Yeah." He almost wanted to talk some more, but it was late and they were both tired.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Yu’s voice was quieter. He must have been starting to doze off as well.
Yosuke shifted himself again. He wanted to fall asleep right then. Thinking only about Yu’s voice and nothing else. “Yeah, see you tomorrow.” He just wanted to hear one last thing before he passed out. “Partner, I love you.”
Yu chuckled a bit. “I love you too, Yosuke.”
That was all he needed. They spoke their last good nights and soon the call ended. Yosuke continued replaying those last words from Yu, keeping them as the last thing in his mind before finally falling asleep.