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"I thought that as my last official act as an EarthForce officer, it would only be right to promote you to Captain." Sheridan smiled sheepishly as he wandered around Ivanova's living room, hands loosely clasped behind his back. "We've been through hell and back more than once over the past few years, and knowing that I had you as my backup… well, it may have saved my life once or twice. There's few people I'd entrust with this place. Babylon 5, for all it's been through, has become home to me. To all of us. But knowing the station will be in your hands once I've left for Minbar will make saying goodbye a hell of a lot easier."
He reached out his hand in a more formal greeting. "If you agree, Captain, I hereby formally relinquish command of Babylon 5 to you."
The newly promoted Captain lowered her gaze, unable to meet his eyes. A knot seemed to have formed inside her throat, making it hard to speak. She shook her head hesitantly as she forced out a single word: "No."
"What do you mean, 'no'?" Sheridan had raised his voice, but not in the self-assured way he used when speaking with his opponents. No, for the first time in a long while he seemed genuinely taken by surprise. "I know the past few days haven't been easy especially on you, Susan, but that doesn't change the fact that you're perfect for the job! You know this place like no one else, you deserve getting your own command after everything you've done during the war, and I'd even say you're one of the few who can keep Londo and G'Kar in check. Besides, I won't be gone immediately. For as long as I'm here, and as long as it doesn't interfere with my… new job, you'll have my full support for everything going on in this place. You can do this, Susan."
Ivanova slowly raised her head until she could see his face. His expression was hopeful, gleaming. Had he always been this optimistic or had he learnt it from Delenn? It was hard to believe that after what he must have endured in captivity he could still turn around and admire the world before his eyes. "That's not it, John." She struggled to keep her voice from breaking, a constant struggle these days that she more often lost than won. "Thank you for trusting me. But… I want out."
That was it. Her former Captain, her friend, stared at her blankly as if he had not yet comprehended her. "Out?"
"Out."
"You mean… you're going to resign?"
She exhaled slowly, trying to regain her posture, and swallowed. "No. I've been a soldier all my life, I won't stop being one just because of… this mess." She gestured towards her quarters. Shards of several shattered Vodka bottles decorated one corner. Clothes lay on the ground, mindlessly scattered all over the room. The blanket had been ripped from the bed, crumpled next to the sofa where she had finally collapsed into a ragged sleep after hours of being trapped in her thoughts last night. But of course, the real mess was not the one inside this room.
"I just need to get away from this place. At least for a while." Tears threatened to leave her eyes, and, too accustomed to their presence by now to care, she let them. "It's not right, John. Nothing about it is. He should be here, I shouldn't, it's simple as that. If I can't bring him back… then at least I can go away too. Somewhere where I won't have to face the fact that he's gone, and I'm still here, every single day. In every single place where we've formed some memory, in every single person we've both called a friend." She bit her bottom lip, her whole body trembling. "I can't take being here any longer. I don't want to let you down, but I just can't. I'm sorry."
Strong arms wrapped around her, and she gave in to grief and despair and guilt and hate for herself and the universe and Marcus and Clark and the Shadows and everything that had led them up to this point. Behind the flood of tears and pain, she could barely make out John's voice, whispering soothingly, slowly fading into the background until she could no longer make out the exact words he uttered.
"It's alright, Susan, it's alright. You're not letting me down. I'd probably be doing the same thing as you if I were in your position. It's okay, you heard me? We'll find you something else, on Mars maybe if you want, or on Earth, or as far away as you want. I'm sorry - I should have thought about this. But you know it's not your fault, do you? This is what he wanted. And he wouldn't have wanted you to leave everything behind just because of him. So, even if you're out there somewhere, do me a favour and stay in touch, will you? You've been a hell of a first officer to work with, and now don't let your talents go to waste, alright? Alright?"