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There was nothing special about this campaign, not really. They had been sent to yet another planet in need of defense against the Separatists. Their enemies had been too many and the waves of droids rolling out of the transport ships had been sheer endless, their attacks brutal and no matter what they had done, nothing had really helped. In the end, they had won, of course. Otherwise Ahsoka wouldn’t be here anymore. Padawans didn’t survive the annihilation of their battalions.
Ahsoka’s Master had led them to victory. The Separatist base had been destroyed, the civilians saved and Ahsoka did everything she could to focus on those facts but no matter what she did, how much she tried to calm her breathing or stop her hands from shaking, fear and panic closed her throat and she found herself struggling for breath.
Battlefields were loud and so was their aftermath. The troops had to be organized, orders were yelled. It was not as deafening as the fight itself with explosions and blaster fire, but right now it might as well just be.
“Please!” Ahsoka shouted as she tore white armor off a brother. He had been so excited.
“Let’s knock out some, clankers, Commander! Gotta impress the captain, maybe he’ll give me a name!”
They had laughed back on the dropship, just her and her current squad. They had been supposed to be in the easy part of the battle. They didn’t send the Shinies to the front lines if they could afford it. They would just be used as cannon fodder, too unused to how harsh the war could really get. They all followed orders perfectly, but everybody hesitated upon first impact and in these harsh bloodbaths, they could not afford even a split-second hesitation.
The Shinies had gone with Ahsoka, they had been supposed to scout, be back-up, not be ambushed by too many droidekas.
“Please, please, please!” Ahsoka cried.
He hadn’t even had a name yet, no tattoo, no scar, his armor had only just been painted. Only a little bit of blue, the 501st displayed proudly on his chest.
“I wanted to join General Skywalker’s battalion! They always tell the craziest stories about your fights!”
He hadn’t had a name, Ahsoka couldn’t even recall his number. He had was bleeding out beneath Ahsoka’s fingers and she didn’t know who he was.
She pressed her hands down on his chest, tried to focus the Force, get its chaotic strength under control so she could pour it in him with every beat. She could reanimate him still, she could save him. He had been the last one to be shot down, the last one standing to protect her because Ahsoka hadn’t been enough. She was still just a Padawan, too weak, just a student. A Knight could have done it. They would have protected their squadron on their own, but instead Ahsoka had to watch as they all protected her because a Jedi was worth more than an entire squadron. No clone could ever measure up to them.
“You’ll be a great Jedi, Commander!” His voice had been a little lighter than that of other brothers, but perhaps that had just been excitement coloring it.
“Wake up!” Ahsoka shouted with frantic panic. “Wake up! Wake up!”
“Ahsoka!” Somebody grabbed her shoulder and Ahsoka reacted on instinct.
The stench of death and blood and violence was still in her nostrils, battle-sharpened instincts told her to kill the enemy.
She didn’t even look as she lashed out, aiming for the throat or the head with the force, wanting to crush it to dust just like the Shinie’s legs had been-
Her push never met its target.
“Ahsoka!”
She looked up, stared into the worried face of her Master. He was blurry, his expression not clear and Ahsoka realized only belatedly that it was not the atmosphere of the planet turning everything hazy, but the tears in her eyes.
“Jaieh,” Ahsoka cried out. She wanted to stand up, but all the strength had left her. Blood was coloring her palms red, soaking into the fabric of her pants.
“Anakin, we have to- he’s-“ She couldn’t manage to stutter out even one sentence.
All around her she saw the men she had failed, limbs at an odd angle or torn off. Identical in death where they had been so vibrant and diverse alive, they all looked like broken toys. She could feel the bile rise in her throat. It felt as if she could taste the pain. It burned itself into her mind and she just wanted to go home.
“Oh, Ahsoka,” her master said, his voice full of sorrow.
He quickly walked over to her, first raised his hands so she could see what he as doing with them and would not lash out again. Slowly he wrapped them around her shoulders, then pulled her head towards his chest and held her close. Ahsoka buried her head in the crook of his neck, trying to drown out the noise. Her Master smelled just like everything else on the battlefield, blood, ashes, fire, but beneath all of that was the familiar scent of home, the fragrance of the detergent they used at the temple and could never really wash out of the robes, no matter how much dirt they were dragged through.
“I tried,” Ahsoka sobbed. “I promise I tried, there were just-“
“Ssh,” Anakin hushed her. “I know, I know. You did everything just right.”
“But they-“
“Ashoka,” Anakin interrupted her. “Ahsoka, listen to me. Can you do that? Just listen to my voice.”
Ahsoka was trembling. She didn’t dare open her eyes or move or say another word in fear that it would just all spill over then and she wouldn’t ever be able to stop again.
She felt her Master move her a little and then, at one go, he stood up, still holding her. She was behaving like a youngling, clinging to a crèchemaster. She could walk on her own, she had two healthy feet, but all she saw was that droid smashing the brother’s legs, him crying out-
“Paiben juvetho seka ibli deoj forpai.” 1
She thought it was a memory at first, that she was imagining the words that had accompanied her through so many nights in the temple. She couldn’t recall when she had heard the soothing notes at first, perhaps when Master Plo had brought her home.
“Enoji brei ormah.” 2
All the noise of before seemed to fade into the background. Ahsoka thought of the warmth she remembered from her clan, three of her crèchemates sneaking into her bed so none of them had to be alone. When they had been found the next morning, they had been teased just a little.
“Paiwiden juvetho seka ibli deoj forpai.” 3
Her Master’s voice was steady and rose with every word. Despite the armor between them, the many layers, she could feel the rumble in his chest. He was still alive, still breathing. He wasn’t going to leave her alone here, abandon her amongst the dead.
“Enoji brei ormah.” 2
The world was silent again. There was only the Force, peace, and tranquility. If not in world, not even within herself, then at least her Master stood unwavering. Ahsoka didn’t know how long he was walking, carrying her through the aftermath of the destruction, she only really returned to the world when Anakin interrupted his singing to let out a low pained breath.
“Kewanji kodaih juvetho seka ibli deoj forpai.” 4
When Ahsoka opened her eyes again, they were no longer outside. The familiar insides of a shuttle greeted her. They were sitting on the ground, her Master’s eyes closed as hers had been and he was leaning against the walls of the ship. His cheeks were hollow, and he had dark rings under his eyes. He must be as exhausted as her. Perhaps this song was not just for her sake then. Ahsoka’s voice sounded rough to her, had been tortured by the many hours she had been screaming orders.
“Paikewan juvetho seka ibli deoj forpai.” 5
Anakin looked at her and despite the tiredness, he smiled encouragingly. Ahsoka didn’t have enough energy to return it, but she was sure he understood how she was feeling by the way she leaned against his chest and finished the song together with him.
“Enoji brei ormah.” 2
Everything would be alright.