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“…Oh.”
“Look here, asshole, I’m not particularly thrilled to be here either, but what the fuck is up with that reaction, huh?!”
“Mm, I seem to be under the impression of meeting someone for a blind date?”
“That’s why I’m here—”
“—but why is it that I can’t see anyone?”
“I’m right here, goddamnit!”
“I seem to hear some barking and yipping…”
“I’m gonna hit you with this damn table!”
“Oh, there you are! How impressive, how impressive~”
“…Ha?!”
“This restaurant has a no-pet policy, right? However did you manage to sneak in?”
“I’m gonna kill you, and then I’m gonna demand an explanation from Gramps as to why he thought this was a good idea.”
“Gramps…? You mean Hirotsu-san?”
“You know him?”
“A family friend. And we do play Racing Game IV occasionally.”
“Gramps is a good gamer, I’ll give him that.”
“I’m even better.”
“Did I ask?! Also, I’m pretty sure I’ll kick your ass in any game!”
“Oh wow, already talking about my ass on our first date? How very forward of you, chibi.”
“Chibi?!”
“Well, you haven’t introduced yourself yet, so I should call you something.”
“I’m Chuuya, damn it!”
“Okay, chibikko.”
“Chibikko?! I’m gonna break your neck, damn it!”
“Really? That would be so nice of you!”
“Geh. You’re a suicidal maniac?”
“Feel free to call me Dazai, if you want.”
“Pass. I’d rather stick to calling you ‘asshole’.”
“There you go again, talking about my ass. I suppose it’s to be expected though. My ass is probably the closest thing to your eye-level, as short as you are.”
“Gross. Stop leering at me! You look like some damn pervert!”
“And you look like some shorty that I can’t see without a microscope. But I’m not complaining, am I?”
“You’ve been saying nothing but height jokes!”
“…Aw, is that your way of saying that you want us to do small talk? Want to make this into a proper date?”
“I literally did not say anything remotely close to that, are you fucking insane?”
“We can start small—pfft, small, like you. You can start courting me by buying me six slices of strawberry shortcake.”
“Why the hell am I the one paying for it?! And who the fuck said anything about courting?! Also, six slices?!”
“Someone as sweet as me fittingly has a sweet tooth, of course!”
“Blerghhhhh. You?! Sweet?! With the amount of bullshit you’ve been spouting?!”
“Now, I understand that you’re the tsundere sort, but you should just admit these things, okay? If you want to taste me—”
“—there, I’ve placed the order for a whole damn cake. You can choke on the sugar overload yourself.”
“…Fufufu. So you’re short, short-tempered, tsundere, short, rich, short. I’m learning so much about you already!”
“Why the fuck is ‘short’ repeated so many times?!”
“Isn’t it your major defining trait?”
“Better be thankful they haven’t placed the cutlery yet, or else I would have cut your tongue already, shitty Dazai!”
“Has anyone told you that you’d grow if you stopped having such a height complex? This is why you’re such a chibikko.”
“Ha? Is that true—wait, I do not have a height complex! I just want you to stop bringing it up every five goddamn seconds!”
“Aw, you really want us to focus on getting to know each other, huh?”
“That really isn’t what I mean—”
“Then, can you tell me more about that Deinocheirus keychain hanging on your bag?”
“—I really have no intention of—wait, you recognize it?”
“I’m sure it’s hard for you to see since you’re so small, Chuuya, but I actually have eyes, you know?”
“Fuck you! …But it isn’t a very common one.”
“This may come as a shock to you, but I actually am very smart! A genius, even!”
“Oh, that is indeed shocking.”
“…”
“…”
“…Did you get it from when they displayed the reconstructed skeleton in the Yokohama Museum?”
“…Yeah…”
“Mm, I was thinking that you’d be the type to choose something like a T. Rex.”
“The fuck is that supposed to mean?!”
“But perhaps you chose to buy the Deinocheirus keychain because of its name? Since it means ‘horrible hands’.”
“You’re saying I have horrible hands?!”
“I mean, why else would you hide them in gloves? It’s summer and wearing leather gloves shouldn’t be too comfortable.”
“My hands are fine!!!”
“Eh, but isn’t that what someone who has horrible hands would say? Why should I believe your words?”
“—There!!! See?! My hands are alright!”
“Where? I can’t see them at all… ah, there seems to be a tiny baby doll in front of me with such tiny baby doll hands…?”
“You’re, so, fucking, annoying!”
“Mm, if you say so.”
“—!!!”
“Oh, what an interesting reaction. Tell me, chibi, is this the first time anyone’s ever held your hands?”
“Stop making it sound so weird! You’re just looking at them! Let me go already!”
“If you want me to let go so badly, then why don’t you just try to unhand me?”
“I’d gladly do that, but with your arms that look as sturdy as wet paper towels, won’t I just end up breaking them?”
“Mm, how sweet of you to worry about me, chibi.”
“Ha? No! I’m just thinking about how you’d probably just whine at me nonstop if it happens!”
“Predicting me already? Aren’t you such a diligent date?”
“How’s this for a prediction, shitty Dazai? Your neck will be snapped in half in the next five minutes.”
“Fufufu, I look forward to it, Chuuya.”
-
Five hours later and they drop by a flower shop on their way to Chuuya’s home. Dazai buys him a single orange rose, citing lack of funds for the scrimping of gifts.
-
end