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“Will you follow me,” Thorin said in earnest, “one last time?”
The company just stared at him. No answer.
“Well …” Thorin held out his hands for any kind of reply. “Will you?”
Still no answer.
“Hello!” Thorin was getting impatient and sarcastic. “Anyone that wants to say something … now’s a good time!”
There was one heartbeat, and then …
“One last time?!” Nori wrinkled his nose like there was dung under it.
“What’s that mean?!” Bofur chimed in.
“Are you expecting to die?!” Kili asked.
“Are you expecting US to die?!” Fili wanted clarification.
“No … of course not—” Thorin was taken aback.
“Then what the fuck’s with this ‘One last time’ crap?!” Dwalin sneered.
“I didn’t mean—” Thorin tried to get in.
“I don’t wanna die!” Nori stated emphatically.
“Count me in on that statement!” Bofur agreed.
“I second that!” Ori said, standing behind Dwalin.
“I didn’t say we were … you know … going to—” Thorin stammered out.
“You said last time!” Bombur interjected. “That would imply you thought there won’t be a NEXT TIME!”
“Exactly!” Dori shouted out. “And the only way there won’t be a next time is if it’s the BIG last time!”
“The Short end of the stick,” Bombur stated.
“<Kick the bucket>,” Bifur shouted out in Khuz-dul.
“Wait—”
“Worm Food,” Dwalin pointed out.
“I’m going to be sick,” Ori covered his mouth and leaned against Dwalin.
“Game over, man!” Nori said. "Game over!"
“End of story,” Bofur added.
“No … I—”
“Buy the farm,” Bombur stated.
“Cash in one’s chips,” Gloin contributed.
“Assume room temperature,” Oin said.
“To breathe one’s last,” Balin shook his head.
“End of the line,” Kili contributed.
“End of the line … of DURIN!” Fili tacked on.
“Oi! Now, I’m going to be sick!” Kili turned a little green and holding on to Fili.
“ENOUGH!” Thorin bellowed. “BY THE VALAR! Did you all eat those funny mushrooms Bilbo had?! I just meant ‘one last time’ as in you followed me on this quest, so … you know … one last time before the company is disbanded and—”
“And what?” Balin interrupted. “Aren’t you going to continue on as our leader and King?”
“You can’t back out of being king!” Fili said.
“Mum will kill you if you do that!” Kili pointed out.
“I’m not going to—”
“You can’t let Dain have the kingship!” Balin stated.
“Oh, Mahal!” Dwalin rolled these eyes. “Dain as king!? Can you imagine?! He’s so damn … jovial! Laughs left, right and centre … makes me want to puke!”
“Who said anything about Dain—?”
“Only knobs laugh all the damn time!” Nori said.
“I thought you liked when I laughed,” Bofur in a small voice.
“You don’t count,” Nori winked.
The entire company, save Thorin, dissolved into chaotic chatter. Thorin threw down his sword, threw up his hands and sat down on the nearest bench; he wanted to smash his head into the nearest wall. None of them noticed their king sitting there, rolling his eyes at them, because they were all too busy bitching, moaning and groaning over the idea that Dain would be king and maybe someone else should do it and did Thorin really mean that one last time was really THE last time?
Thorin sighed and, not for the first time, wished he’d been born as someone else. Even some-thing else, he thought. A bear wouldn’t be bad, or wolf. A dog would be okay; hell, even a cat might be nice. Possibly a small rodent of some kind; a squirrel, or hare—not a beaver though … hate the teeth. A hedgehog? Maybe, but kind of too cute … although, a bird—an eagle or hawk—would be cool, they can fly. But absolutely not a …
“What’s going on?” Came a whisper from behind him.
“Bilbo!” Thorin whispered back loudly. “You … you came back!”
Bilbo settled next to Thorin on the bench. “Of course I came back, you prat,” Bilbo said softly and looked at Thorin sheepishly. “I couldn’t desert you.”
“Even after how badly I fucking treated you?” Thorin replied, more than aware of the guilt he carried in his heart. “I’m sorry for all that, by the way.”
Bilbo waved him off. “I’m sorry too. I should have found another way …”
“Well,” Thorin confessed, “it’s not like I gave you a lot of fucking choice, did I? You had to force my hand, sad to admit … but even I can see that now.”
“You were ill, Thorin,” Bilbo stated with a heavy sigh. “I knew you weren’t in your right mind. I just couldn’t think of what else to do to try and keep you from getting hurt.”
Thorin turned his head to look at Bilbo and put an arm around Bilbo’s shoulders. “Even in my madness, you thought of me.”
“Especially in your madness,” Bilbo countered. “Shit, that’s when you needed me the most!”
Thorin leaned down and whispered near Bilbo’s ear, “It seems I will always need you.”
Bilbo blushed and punched Thorin’s arm lightly in jest. “We can talk about that later.” Thorin pressed a quick kiss to Bilbo’s forehead before the Hobbit pointed over at the company and asked, “So, what the hell’s going on over there?”
Thorin rolled his eyes and sighed. “Bunch of fucking idiots,” Thorin growled out. He proceeded to give Bilbo a recap of the entire conversation after he asked his company to follow him; ‘one last time.’
Bilbo just looked at Thorin incredulously. “Are you shitting me?”
“I wish to hell I was,” Thorin groused.
“Do all Dwarfs take things so … literally?”
“I’d love to say no, but,” Thorin didn’t need to finish the sentence for Bilbo to get the idea. “Honest to Mahal, I would have been fucking better off if I’d only brought my sister! At least she wouldn’t have had to be told what to do to get the job done! At this rate we’re going to miss the fucking battle!”
“That’s not such a bad thing, Thorin,” Bilbo said sincerely.
“How can you say that?” Thorin demanded. “What about Azog?! I’ve got to go after him!”
“Excuse me,” Bilbo said pointedly. “There are three, fucking armies out there; Men, Elves and Dwarfs! They can deal with one knob-head of an Orc!”
“Bilbo,” Thorin said gently as if the Hobbit didn’t understand, “What kind of king would I be if I let someone else kill Azog?”
“The same kind as all the others,” Bilbo snarked, “who delegated the shitty jobs to lesser beings, and on top of that, I’d love to remind you that Dain was the lazy fuck who didn’t lift a finger to help you defeat Smaug, so frankly, he can get his fat arse out there and swing a sword at Azog!”
Thorin nodded, he couldn’t argue with that. “Are you hungry?” Thorin asked finally.
Bilbo shot him a raised eyebrow. “I’m a Hobbit. Do you seriously need to ask that question?”
Thorin laughed, stood up and held out his hand for Bilbo to take; which Bilbo did. “Will you follow me?”
“Yes,” Bilbo said softly. "And definitely not for the last time either." The implications clear.
Thorin chucked again. “How about after we eat, we have each other … as dessert?”
Bilbo giggled. “Can we 'have it' on the throne?”
Thorin gaped but was obviously amused. “Who knew you were so fucking naughty?!”
“Is that a yes?” Bilbo asked with an innocent tone that was anything but innocent.
“As someone wise just stated,” Thorin growled. “Do you seriously need to ask that question?”
The company continued to bitch, moan, argue and groan, so none of them noticed their king slip out of the room with their Hobbit burglar’s hand in his, while said Hobbit grabbed a cushion from a nearby chair.
After all, the throne didn’t have a cushion.