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Donghae and Hyukjae are touchy-feely.
That’s how it’s always been.
It’s not weird. It’s never been weird.
Ever since they were trainees, they’ve felt very comfortable with physical contact. Donghae will wrap his arm around Hyukjae’s shoulders if they’re sitting and watching TV together. Sometimes he’ll keep his hand pressed to the inside of his counterpart's thigh just to make sure his presence is felt.
Hyukjae will always open his arms when Donghae comes into his dorm room in the middle of the night and slides under the covers. No words are needed. Like always, Donghae will press his face into Hyukjae’s chest as they fall asleep together.
During shows, they’ll ham it up for the audience. They’ve kissed during paper games and Pepero games, much to the delight of the fans. They’re only friends, of course. They’ve been friends for years. Why would it be weird for them to touch?
Naturally, the touches progressed to something more. A few years after their debut, they’d find themselves hanging out alone in either one of their rooms after a particularly taxing day of work. They’d lay side by side and face each other, talking about nothing and everything until the space between them closed.
Donghae was always the first one to close the gap between their lips. He’d cup Hyukjae’s jaw and kiss him slowly, sweetly, fluttering his eyes closed.
Hyukjae was always the first one to take it further. He’d press more insistently into the kiss, tugging on Donghae’s lower lip or flicking his tongue across the other’s lip. His hands would snake underneath Donghae’s shirt and press flat against the skin there.
Anything more than that was stress relief. Sex came just as naturally to them as performing a dance together or singing a duet. Hyukjae got to see Donghae come undone below him over and over and over. Donghae got to hold Hyukjae tight and run his nails down his strong back during the hottest moments of the shared pleasure.
They were still friends, despite this.
They are still friends.
They still watch TV together, laugh until their stomachs hurt, hold each other in their sleep, and make each other feel good when their jobs get too overwhelming.
Hyukjae is Donghae’s anchor, the one who keeps him safe and sane. Donghae is Hyukjae’s light, the one whose smile keeps him from falling too deeply into the pit of stress and anxiety.
They need each other. It’s something they quietly acknowledge between the two of them. When they’re apart for work, they text at least once a day, even if it’s just an emoji or a good morning.
They’re as close as best friends could possibly get.
It’s platonic, as close as platonic lovers can be.
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Tonight, Donghae lies sprawled out under Hyukjae, desperately pulling him down closer to deepen the kiss. Even after years and hundreds of identical kisses, they never tire of the same routine. Their bare chests press together, slick with sweat and anticipation.
Like always, Hyukjae fumbles when he reaches for the condoms and lubricant that they keep well-stocked in the nightstands by their beds.
The closeness is unlike anything they’ve ever felt with the girlfriends they’ve had here and there.
Truthfully, there haven’t been many. If one of them gets involved with a girl, they don’t touch as much. It would be disrespectful to their girlfriends to keep having sex with each other, so they don’t.
It always fizzles out after a while. The sex with the girls is okay, but it doesn’t feel the same.
Hyukjae would close his eyes and replace the girl underneath him with the thought of Donghae’s hair sticking to his forehead with sweat or the way his lips look when they’re parted and calling his name.
Donghae will end up thinking of the way Hyukjae feels inside him, the way he fills him up completely. He'll picture Hyukjae’s muscles rippling the same way they do when he dances. His perfect body, his perfect everything.
Eventually, the longing becomes too much, and they have to break the girl’s hearts. In recent years, they’ve given up on dating for that reason. It’s never good enough.
They’re still friends, of course.
Today was difficult. Hyukjae had a long day of filming for Weekly Idol, followed by hours of dance practice. Donghae spent the day in the studio recording songs for some drama OST. They were both worn out when they returned to the dorm, yet not too exhausted to not fall into each other’s arms the second they could be alone.
Hyukjae lets out the stress of the day as he moves inside Donghae, rolling his hips as deep as he can just to hear the whimpers and whines that he’s come to love. Donghae sings praises into Hyukjae’s mouth and clasps their hands together tight, like it’s the only thing tethering him to reality.
Nothing could ever feel as good as this.
When Hyukjae comes, it’s white-hot. He gasps and fucks him hard, one last time. It always sets Donghae off to follow right after, spilling between their stomachs.
It should be the same as it always is, just like every time before, but it isn’t.
When Hyukjae lifts his body back up and opens his eyes, tears are pouring down Donghae’s cheeks. He’s hiccupping and gasping for breath through the quiet sobs.
Hyukjae immediately pulls out and cups Donghae’s face, brushing tears away with his thumbs.
Donghae, Donghae. Are you okay? Did I hurt you? Please don’t cry. I’m right here.
He whispers softly. Donghae is sensitive, everyone knows that. But this has never happened before. They’d always end it with a kiss and either fall asleep together or go on with their days. Donghae isn’t supposed to cry.
I can’t do this.
Hyukjae’s heart shatters in his chest. Shrapnel shoots into his veins.
What’s wrong? What happened?
Donghae tries to speak through the tears but chokes helplessly on his words. Hyukjae holds him tight until he’s ready to talk again.
I can’t keep pretending.
Pretending? Hyukjae doesn’t understand. He doesn’t need to ask Donghae to clarify. He already knows he’d ask anyway.
It hurts too much to do this when you don’t feel the same way.
Oh.
Hyukjae presses his forehead against Donghae’s and takes a deep breath.
Why didn’t you tell me?
Donghae sobs again. It spreads the remnants of Hyukjae’s heart to the farthest reaches of his body, turning everything in him to ice.
I didn’t want to lose you. You know how much I need you.
Hyukjae shakes his head. His voice is firm, more than he intends.
You’ll never lose me. No matter what, okay? No matter what.
Even though the words are comforting, Donghae can’t keep the tears from coming. It’s too late to stop them.
I need more.
I love you.
Hyukjae presses his lips against Donghae’s cheek.
Okay.
His voice is so soft. He’s afraid Donghae can’t hear him, so he repeats himself, louder this time.
Okay.
Of course.
I’d do anything for you.
Donghae tilts his head over and kisses Hyukjae. It’s different from the hundreds, thousands of other kisses they’ve shared. There’s a feeling behind it that sends Hyukjae reeling. He kisses him back and follows his lead until he has to break away to get a gulp of air. He brushes Donghae’s hair out of his eyes so that they can meet his.
I love you too.
I always have.