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The cold winter wind howled outside the abandoned temple in the capital, leaking through the windows and doors and making the people inside shiver. Small fires had been lit all over the temple, with small pockets of people huddling together for warmth after the meager bowl of soup everyone had been able to receive. Most managed to fall asleep thanks to exhaustion alone, but some eyes stayed open, glimmering with the movement of the flames.
Old Feng sat by one of those fires, coughing lightly. The sound awoke two of the children sleeping there, and Old Feng immediately apologized. 'Sorry, sorry. Go back to sleep.'
One of the children hummed, but the other spoke up. 'I can't sleep, Old Feng.'
'Is that so?' they replied, leaving their cane on the floor next to them. 'Does something hurt?'
The child nodded. 'The tummy and my head hurt.'
That meant the child was hungry, most likely. Either hungry or sick, and there was little Old Feng could do about that. They sighed. 'Tomorrow we'll go get more food together. And your head hurts because you aren't sleeping enough!'
'But I can't sleep...' the child replied, starting to get pouty.
Old Feng didn't want to make a kid cry. For starters, making such a young child cry was horrible in itself, but they would wake up the others as well. Everyone sorely needed those few moments of peace and rest. 'How about Old Feng tells you a little story?'
The child thought it over for a while, and finally nodded. 'What kind of story?'
Old Feng hadn't thought about that just yet. They looked around until their gaze landed on the altar of the abandoned temple. They could still picture the giant statue that once stood behind it: a gorgeous lady with a fan on one hand and a whisk on the other, adored by humans and gods for her kind and juvenile personality. It was funny in a sad way, Old Feng thought.
'What if I tell you about Lady Wind and her friend, Lord Earth?'
The child blinked. 'Who are they?'
'She was a heroine from a long, long time ago,' Old Feng explained, interrupted by a cough that forced them to bend over a little. 'Goodness, this cold is quite vicious. Where was I... Yes, Lord Earth was her best friend. And they... traveled many lands together.'
The child nodded and snuggled up to Old Feng, listening to their words attentively. They stroked the kid's hair, and the story started.
How Lady Wind and Lord Earth had met, Old Feng all made up, but the rest were memories with varying degrees of truth to them. There were things they just couldn't tell a child, but their mind drifted back to centuries ago, when they would pester Ming Yi into friendship, into accompanying them to their trips to the human world, into sitting by their side at banquets. They had fought all sorts of battles together, gone to so many restaurants, tried so many new things.
And now that Old Feng remembered, they could see signs their younger self had ignored completely. But now they could do little more than smirk at their own ignorance. It was fine, even if the memories tasted bittersweet now.
The child fell asleep, but, by the end of the next day, they had told the other children everything Old Feng narrated the night prior. Old Feng found themselves surrounded by curious children with empty stomachs and shining eyes by the time the cold winds came back and the sun was gone.
It was a good distraction for the children, if nothing else, so Old Feng continued. Some things were made up, some dramatized, some adapted for a child's sensibility. Their throat got slightly worse, but that was fine, as long as they could keep telling the story.
On the fifth night, Old Feng noticed they were starting to run out of memories. The story would have to end sooner or later, but they had hoped it would last a little longer. Alas, all banquets had to eventually come to an end.
'There is a happy and a sad ending to this story,' Old Feng explained, ignoring the way their body shivered under their clothes. 'Which do you-' they coughed, needing a few seconds to get their breath back, 'which one do you wanna hear?'
"Happy" was the general answer. Old Feng should've expected it. It would be better like this.
And so they ended the story of Lady Wind and Lord Earth the way they had started it: with a lie. In this story, Lady Wind and Lord Earth fell in love and were wed, much to the joy of everyone, and the annoyance of Lady Wind's protective older brother. After this, they went on a long adventure all over the world, where they committed many acts of heroism.
By this moment, most children were fast asleep, and Old Feng was exhausted. It wasn't physical exhaustion as much as it was emotional. Reliving those memories, night after night, ought to have some sort of effect on their soul. The wind had stopped howling, and Old Feng smiled, using their cane to stand up.
They made their way to the temple's entrance, leaning on the door. The capital was bustling with life and light, even on a cold winter night like this, and there was light even in a small corner of the world like theirs. If they were still a god, or even the human they were before, they would've rushed to one of those fancy restaurants with food brought from every part of the known world, and Ming Yi would've been by their side.
Not Ming Yi. He Xuan. It was still hard to call him by his name, but Old Feng ought to respect at least that.
Old Feng's hand grabbed the broken fan carefully tucked on their waistband and opened it. The broken thing was lifted until Old Feng could see the stars through the holes poked into the fan, and for a moment, they felt like Shi Qingxuan again.
'Old Feng,' a youthful voice whispered, startling them. It was just one of the children that had been listening to the story, one boy that hadn't managed to fall asleep.
'What is it?' they asked him, tilting their head. 'Go back to sleep.'
'Can I ask something?'
Old Feng's eyes widened a little. 'Yes, sure.'
'What's the sad ending to the story?'
Old Feng couldn't help but laugh, almost puking out their insides in the process. That damn cough. 'Why would you want to know that? The sad ending is a really miserable story...'
'But I wanna know,' the boy insisted, tugging at Old Feng's sleeve. 'Please, Old Feng.'
What an insistent boy! If they were in his situation, young and miserable, Old Feng would never want to hear sad stories. Even at the peak of their life, they had never liked tragedies. 'Fine... In the sad ending, Lord Earth faked his affections for Lady Wind. Lord Earth's true objective was...' They coughed lightly, and cleared their throat. 'To hurt Lady Wind's older brother, who Min- Lord Earth had been wronged by in the past. They parted, and never met again.'
'Did Lady Wind's brother die?'
Old Feng swallowed a lump in their throat. 'He did.'
'Did Lady Wind try to avenge her brother?'
Old Feng's eyes started to burn with tears they blinked away. 'She didn't.'
'Why?'
Why indeed. Why didn't she? Why couldn't she? Old Feng didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Children asked too many questions with complicated answers.
'Old Feng?' the boy asked again, concerned.
'No one knows.' They shook their head. 'What do you think? Why didn't she seek revenge?'
The boy stood there in silence, contemplating Old Feng's question. Old Feng waited, fidgeting with their broken fan as they did on the rare instance they had no words to say.
'I think,' the boy answered, 'that Lady Wind loved Lord Earth, so she wouldn't hurt him. And she would understand Lord Earth the most, too.'
Yet Old Feng hadn't understood He Xuan at all. If they had, maybe Shi Wudu would be alive, maybe they could've fixed the situation together. Shi Qingxuan would've plummeted down Mount Tong'lu for the sake of undoing their brother's wrongs and bringing their best friend happiness, if that's what He Xuan wanted.
Or so they liked to think. In the end, they hadn't even been able to do the one thing He Xuan asked of them. Old Feng laughed, bitter and tired, feeling the weight of their own foolishness on their shoulders. The cough came over them again, and their lungs burned in their chest like fire.
'Old Feng!' the boy yelled, trying to keep them steady, but Old Feng's knees gave in and they fell down the stairs. A sharp pain pulsated in the back of their head, and they heard the boy running inside for help. Something silver flew by, a small phantom that was oddly familiar.
Many hands lifted them, many voices talked around them, but Old Feng could feel themselves far away. Like their soul was pushed from their body, Old Feng clung onto their skin with the desperation for life only humans had.
'Don't die, Old Feng!'
'Stay awake, Old Feng!'
But they were too tired. What was it they had told Shi Wudu, not so long ago? Maybe it's our time. Maybe this was Shi Qingxuan's, yes. They would've liked to see His Highness once more and walk through a field of flowers just one more time. They would've liked to meet He Xuan again, if only to speak to him sincerely and say proper goodbyes.
'Brother...' they said out loud, and realized the fan was no longer in their hands.
A couple stood outside a restaurant, surrounded by the warm lights of the night in the capital. The woman, dressed in white and blue, took a deep breath, stretching her arms into the sky. 'Ming-xiong!' she exclaimed, a wide smile on her lips. 'That was delicious! Didn't you enjoy it?' Ming Yi just hummed in response. 'Where should we go now? Hm...'
'I want to go home,' Ming Yi said, less grumpy than usual. A good meal had that effect on him; just one of the reasons Shi Qingxuan loved taking him to restaurants.
'Let's stroll just a little longer!' Shi Qingxuan insisted, clinging to Ming Yi's arm and dragging him around. 'The night has just begun!'
Indeed, that was just the beginning of this night together. She dragged her reluctant companion down the most beautiful streets in the city, illuminated by paper lamps and the laughter of the people. Shi Qingxuan tugged at Ming Yi's arm. 'There! That stall has sweets! Do we still have money left, Ming-xiong?'
Ming Yi huffed. 'You're a god. You couldn't possibly not have money.'
Shi Qingxuan would've reminded him of Xie Lian's situation, but felt bad dissing her friend like that. So she just let go of Ming Yi, giving him a look that was supposed to be a warning. 'Don't run away! I'm going to buy some for both of us.'
Ming Yi sighed but stood there, his arms crossed over his chest. When Shi Qingxuan rushed closer to the stall, she saw the bowls filled with yuanxiao inside, and something stirred in her heart. She turned to Ming Yi, who was still there, waiting. He looked so handsome under the lantern lights, but also sad.
'Ming-xiong!' she called, rushing back to his side and holding his hand. Ming Yi frowned, but didn't resist the touch. 'Maybe we should try something else.'
'I want yuanxiao,' Ming Yi replied. 'Did you see something suspicious?'
'Not really,' she lied, because there was no way to put it into words. Looking at those snow-white balls of rice, she had felt like she shouldn't be there, like this was something she wasn't supposed to see. 'It's just...'
She tried to look at the name of the stall, but Ming Yi tugged at her sleeve, silently dragging her towards it.
'Ming-xiong?! What's gotten into you?!'
There was no reply, not that Shi Qingxuan really expected one. To understand Ming Yi, one had to focus on his actions, and, right now, he just wanted to eat yuanxiao from this specific stall. Now that Shi Qingxuan thought of it, hadn't they eaten yuanxiao at that restaurant before?
She found that she couldn't recall the meals they had back at the restaurant, no matter how hard she furrowed her brows and pursed her lips.
'What's wrong with you?' Ming Yi asked grumpily. They were already sitting down, two simmering bowls of yuanxiao in front of them. Had Shi Qingxuan really been this distracted thinking about their previous meal? She didn't even hear Ming Yi asking the stall owner for the bowls. 'Eat.'
'Yes, yes!' Shi Qingxuan said, pouting, but took one of the rice balls into her mouth. It was sticky, with red beans filling, and it put a smile on Shi Qingxuan's face. She swallowed and kept talking. 'I was just distracted, thinking about how weird you've been tonight.'
'I haven't been weird,' Ming Yi replied. 'You're just obnoxious.'
Shi Qingxuan laughed it off. 'But you're my best friend, Ming-xiong! You don't mind if I'm obnoxious!'
He didn't reply, and instead shoved another ball of rice into his mouth. He still had that sad air to him that tugged at Shi Qingxuan's heartstrings. He was usually indifferent, hungry, or angry, and rarely showed any other emotion, so there was something definitely wrong with him.
Did yuanxiao make Ming Yi sad? If so, why had he been so insistent on eating it? Shi Qingxuan wanted- no, needed to know. That was her best friend, after all. Perhaps she'd ask later.
Next to them, a family of five ate yuanxiao together, laughing and conversing, but their faces were blurred by the steam that came out of their bowls. She hadn't seen them there before. Shi Qingxuan looked at her own bowl, with only two rice balls left, and wished Shi Wudu were here, scolding her for whatever thing he could think of, or talking about that idiot friend of his. Anything.
She smiled without any joy. Shi Wudu was dead, of course. But this festival was for that, celebrating with family and remembering those that were gone. She ate another rice ball, blinking to keep the tears away.
'If it's too hot for you, you should wait,' Ming Yi commented. The bowl in front of him was empty.
'Oops,' she said, right after swallowing and wiping some tears off the corner of her eyes. 'It was just so delicious... I couldn't wait.' Ming Yi huffed, but looked pleased. As much as he could.
They left the stall. Shi Qingxuan walked by Ming Yi's side, no longer taking the lead or dragging him around. As much as Ming Yi always said he hated it, he still noticed the sudden change, giving Shi Qingxuan a piercing look.
'Don't look at me like that!' Shi Qingxuan whined. 'You're scary when you do that.'
'You're thinking about something,' Ming Yi stated.
'But it's nothing important, I promise!'
'Then just act normal.'
'I'm acting normal!'
'You're not.'
Shi Qingxuan puffed up her cheeks, waving her whisk at him as she spoke. 'If I say everything is alright, it’s because everything is!'
'You haven't called my name.'
She shivered, like Ming Yi had thrown a bucket of cold water on her head. They stared at each other, standing in the middle of the bustling street filled with light, but none of that could reach her anymore. He looked angry and tired, arms hanging limp. Shi Qingxuan opened her mouth and then closed it, swallowing thickly.
But she wasn't scared. She had no reason to be. She was just confused. And what if she asked directly? Was there anything to lose?
'Why have you brought me here, He Xuan?'
He Xuan pressed his lips together, breathing out through his nose. A child ran through the space between them, carrying a lantern, but their laugh was fake. More like the echo of a memory from a long, long time ago.
'If it's revenge, I understand,' Shi Qingxuan muttered. 'But I don't think there's much I can do for you anymore.' Even if He Xuan intended to keep her in this dream for as long as a ghost king could, her soul would eventually leave. 'I'm sorry.'
She closed her eyes, expecting He Xuan to shout at her, use that icy voice of his to curse her, anything. But it never came. Instead, the voices quieted down, and the smell of salt floated in the air. When she opened her eyes again, they were standing on a dock, and the city had been left behind with its lights and voices. Now it was just both of them alone by the sea. Was He Xuan's plan to drown her? To be the one to finish her in a dream, since he couldn't do it in the real world?
He Xuan rested his head on Shi Qingxuan's shoulder, startling her. But she stood perfectly still, waiting for something else. For a piercing pain, or a push into the freezing water. Again, nothing happened.
'H-He Xuan? Black Water? Black Water Sinking Boats?' She tried with all three of his titles, but nothing worked. Was he even conscious? Could ghost kings just faint? Inside of a dream? 'Are you alright?!'
'It's useless,' He Xuan finally said.
Shi Qingxuan sucked in a breath. 'W-What is?'
'All of it,' He Xuan replied in a low, exhausted voice. 'All I’ve done. It's useless.'
Shi Qingxuan’s body relaxed a bit, and she even raised a hand, leaving it on He Xuan’s hair. There was little to fear right now, for even death was about to come to her. He Xuan looked too tired to snap at her, anyway, letting her fingers get tangled in the mess of his hair.
It was softer than she had expected. Pitch black like the depths of the sea, it flowed over her skin like water.
‘I’m sorry,’ Shi Qingxuan muttered.
‘Stay,’ He Xuan groaned. ‘You didn’t stay. Not even once.’
‘I-I couldn’t. And- I don’t think I can.’ She didn’t think she’d want to. Not by He Xuan’s side, because she couldn't forgive him yet. She’d need a whole lifetime to do that, and she didn’t have that anymore.
Besides, she was tired. Maybe this is our time, she told Shi Wudu back then. But He Xuan had still granted her wish to keep living as a human, humbled and far from everything she and her brother had stolen from him. Was that why? Because He Xuan wouldn’t have killed her either way?
Shi Qingxuan sighed. She couldn’t just leave He Xuan like this, either. And, she thought again, what was there to lose?
So she hugged him, squeezing him as tightly as she could. He Xuan stood still.
‘You know, I told some children about us,’ Shi Qingxuan said. ‘I-I hope you don’t mind! I didn’t say anything bad. Well, I did say… something not so good to one of them. But most of it was good!’ She coughed. ‘I had to embellish it a little, of course, they’re very young… But they liked your character a lot. S-So, basically, what I want to say… Is… Is…’
He Xuan's arms went around her, pressing her body against his. Shi Qingxuan shut her mouth, expecting to be crushed, but while the hug was tight, there wasn’t any killing intent to it.
‘Was was it?’ He Xuan asked. ‘That you wanted to say.’
Right. This was the embarrassing part. But it needed to be said. She had imagined herself saying this to He Xuan so many times, in the unlikely scenario in which they met again.
‘I don’t think you’re a bad person,’ she muttered, ‘and I’m sorry for… what my brother and I did to you. I guess you don’t care what I say at this point.’ She laughed nervously, patting He Xuan’s back. ‘But… The time we spent together up to that point was the happiest I was. With or without godhood, I… I think I’d have loved you anyway. S-So...’
Her eyes started burning with tears, and He Xuan clung onto her like his whole body would collapse without her. The wind made waves on the sea around them, hitting the dock they stood on, and Shi Qingxuan’s vision became blurry.
At least she’d managed to say the words she kept for him. At least they would stay with him. At least she was having her last moments in his arms, even if within a dream.
‘Maybe we’ll get our happy ending some other time, He-xiong.’
The dream ended, and all that was left was the illusion of Shi Qingxuan’s touch all over his body and the ring of their voice in his ears. Inside the silent Nether Water Manor, their voice followed He Xuan everywhere, at all times, like a curse.
They had died as Old Feng in one of their old temples, surrounded by the beggars that had become their family. The children, the ones they told all those stories to, cried rivers for them.
He Xuan had no tears to give, but his chest hurt with the same excruciating ache that made him wish he was dead in the past. His family had been taken from him - and now Shi Qingxuan, too, was gone.
He made his way to the capital. In a daze, he asked for Shi Qingxuan’s corpse and their fan. Some of the children looked at him with fascination in their eyes.
‘I know where his family rests,’ he said. ‘I will take him there.’
Why was he being polite to a bunch of beggars? He could’ve killed them so easily. But they had mattered to Shi Qingxuan, and he had already ruined everything else that had been meaningful to them in life.
The broken fan was there, among the very few belongings Shi Qingxuan had kept. He Xuan took it as well.
Shi Qingxuan had been wrong on one thing. He Xuan was not a good person. He took their body and any possible mementos away from those people, and brought it all back to Nether Water Manor. He kept it all to himself, hoarded every sign of their existence within his lair, treasured every bit of their voice and face he could remember. He-xiong, they had said, He-xiong. Their last words. He-xiong.
And after he did that, there was nothing left. When his family had died centuries ago, he had revenge to fuel him. But now there was no one left. There was no reason to stay awake, watching the days pass in deafening silence. Shi Qingxuan had left all this empty, silent world to him.
There was nothing but a fifth urn to pray to and a repaired fan folded next to it.