Work Text:
The Flash stars in: A Pipe Dream
Dramatis Personae
Wally West, the garrulous, impulsive, and friendly third Flash
Joan Garrick, Jay Garrick’s wife, who is patient, loving, and supportive of everyone
Iris Allen, Barry Allen’s wife, an inquisitive daredevil reporter
The Pied Piper, alias Hartley Rathaway, a Robin Hood-esque thief
The Top, alias Roscoe Dillon, an arrogant, elitist, and top-obsessed criminal
Weather Wizard, alias Mark Mardon, an overconfident, rather stupid robber
Heat Wave, alias Mick Rory, a dim, shockingly gentle pyromaniac
Script
Act I
(Joan and Iris are onstage)
Iris: So, how’s Jay?
Joan: He’s doing well enough, I suppose, but, to be honest, I’m a little worried about him. He keeps claiming that he’s retired from crime fighting, but every time I turn around, he’s wearing that silly hat of his and racing off to fight bank robbers or carjackers or giant, murderous, telepathic gorillas. It was one thing when he was fifty, but now he’s 99 years old, and the doctors say that his heart won’t be able to take much more of his running at super speed.
Iris: What does he say about that?
Joan: That (strikes a heroic pose) “ it will be a pleasure to die in the line of duty.”
Iris: (Laughs) That sounds just like Barry.
Joan: I know, and it’s not funny. Our husbands spend so much time saving everyone else that they never stop to worry about themselves.
Iris: I guess that’s true-but hey, that’s part of what we’re here for, to make sure our husbands take some “me time” occasionally.
Joan: In speaking of husbands, how’s Barry?
Iris: He’s not doing so well. He came down with the flu a few days ago, and I’ve been going crazy trying to keep him from leaving his bed so that he can go fight crime.
Joan: Oh, I’ve had that happen with Jay before. Once, when he had pneumonia, he heard about a shoplifting ring, and I had to call in Ted and Alan-you know them as Wildcat and the original Green Lantern-to physically restrain him so that he wouldn’t leave the house to go stop them.
Iris: Well, I haven’t had to resort to calling the Justice League to restrain Barry yet, so things could be worse.
Joan: You’re right. Things could be worse. We could be having to deal with two sick speedsters each. Or a sick Superman!
Iris: Man, that would be a nightmare. I have no idea how that Lois Lane woman does it.
Joan: Maybe Clark just doesn’t get sick. After all, he isn’t a human, so maybe our diseases don’t affect him and he’s as invulnerable to getting sick as he is to everything else.
Iris: Maybe so.
(Enter Wally)
Wally: Hi, Joan. Hi, Aunt Iris. (Sneezes) How are you?
Iris: Hi, Wally. We’re doing all right. How are you?
Wally: I’m fine, but Linda and the kids all have the flu (Sneezes) and the twins also both have strep. (Sneezes) It sure is lucky that I don’t get sick, or we’d have a real mess on our hands.
Iris: Um, Wally, are you sure you’re not sick?
Wally: Yeah, I’m sure. (Sneezes three times) I never get sick. I had perfect attendance all throughout school, and you can check my records if you don’t believe me.
Joan: Can you at least try to take it easy, Wally?
Wally: I can’t do that! Jay’s retired and Uncle Barry has the flu, and someone has to protect the city! Besides, I can’t deny my adoring fans the chance to see me because I have a few sniffles. (Sneezes) I’ll be fine!
Iris: (To Joan) Is there a single superhero in the entire world who actually rests when they get sick?
Joan: Speaking from experience, I don’t think there is.
Wally: I said that I’m fine! (Sneezes) So, do you want to get lunch? I’m starving!
Iris: Wally, it’s 8:00 in the morning!
Wally: Okay, so let’s get brunch!
Iris: But I just ate breakfast!
Wally: I don’t follow. (Sneezes) I just ate breakfast, too, and I’m already hungry again.
Joan: Wally, dear, you have to consume 980,000 calories per day just to survive, so you have to eat almost constantly. We simply don’t have the appetite or the metabolism to keep up with you.
Wally: Oh, right. I forget that fact a lot-especially (Sneezes) since my kids inherited my metabolism and have to (Sneezes) eat even more than I do.
Iris: It’s all right, Wally.
Wally: So, um, do you want to go to McDonalds with me (Sneezes) and watch me eat? With Linda and the kids all sick, I’ve been cooped up in the house for a week, and I’m going stir-crazy!
Iris: I suppose so. After all, with Barry sick, I haven’t been able to get out much, either.
Joan: I’ll go, too. After all, if you really are sick despite your claims, someone needs to keep an eye on you so that you don’t run yourself into the ground.
Wally: Great! I love you guys so much, and I can’t wait to sink my teeth into (Sneezes) 340 Big Macs! I love McDonalds food!
Iris: (Shakes head) Never change, Wally. Never change.
(Exit All)
Act II
(The Pied Piper is onstage, playing an instrument. Enter the Top)
Top: Top of the morning to you, Piper.
Piper: Oh, good, you were able to make it. Did you have any trouble getting here?
Top: No. There is not a person in this city who would dare inconvenience the Top.
Piper: What about our friends in the red pajamas?
Top: Don’t make me laugh, Piper. The old one is feeble and retired, the young one is impulsive and stupid, and the only one that poses a threat has the flu, and therefore cannot be on top of his game. They could not bother me if they tried. What of you, my friend? Are you still in tip- top shape, or has your life spun out of control?
Piper: I’m as fit as a fiddle, Roscoe. The Flashes have no reason to hunt down a peaceable man who steals money from drug lords and self-absorbed starlets and gives it to the poor. In fact, if I could only make them realize that the real villains are the members of the 1% who enrich themselves at the expense of the poor, we would be good friends.
Top: But I heard you were homeless?
Piper: I am.
Top: How, exactly, did that come to pass?
Piper: Well, after my last heist, I was going to buy an apartment for myself, but while I was on my way to buying it, I saw a very pregnant woman with two small children crying, and when I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she was trying to escape from her abusive boyfriend but that she had no money, and so I gave her the money and told her to use it to make a good life for herself and her children, and so I was unable to buy anything.
Top: You gave all of the money away?
Piper: Of course! They needed it more than I did.
Top: You, sir, are a fool. This is the fifth time that you have given up a permanent home to help some wretch-the fifth time!
Piper: Roscoe, you of all people should understand what it is like to be an outcast. How can you criticize my desire to help others that the world has forgotten?
Top: Because I am a genius, something that decidedly does not apply to the people for whom you constantly risk your freedom and your own safety.
Piper: Roscoe, my early life was spent in scandalous luxury, luxury that my parents took at the expense of the poor who helped build their empire. It’s only fair that I go without to help them now. (Pause) So, do you know if anyone else is coming to our little meeting?
Top: No. I do not concern myself with the behavior of lesser men like them.
(Enter Heat Wave)
Heat Wave: Hi, Piper! Hi, Top! Seeing you two really warms my heart! (Hugs Piper)
Piper: Mick, I love hugs, but…I….can’t….breathe!
Heat Wave: Oh, sorry. (Releases him)
Piper: Hi, Mick. How have you been?
Heat Wave: I’m okay. I was burning up with fever a couple days ago, but I’m all better now.
Piper: I’m glad to hear that. Do you know if any of the others are coming?
Heat Wave: Captain Cold won’t be here. He’s got a bad case of the chills , and besides, he’s still in prison, and so is Mirror Master. They say hi.
Piper: And what about Glider?
Top: My love is on vacation in the Bahamas. She won’t be able to come.
Piper: Wait. I thought you said that you didn’t know if anyone else could come!
Top: Did I? Oh. My apologies.
Piper: (To Heat Wave) Do you know if Digger is coming?
Heat Wave: He won’t be coming. He broke his leg and told me that he didn’t feel like messing with crutches when I brought him chocolate and flowers.
Piper: Okay, and what about Mardon?
Heat Wave: I don’t know. Last I heard, he was feeling a little under the weather.
(Enter Weather Wizard)
Wizard: Nope, I’m as right as rain!
Piper: Hi, Mark!
Wizard: Hi, Piper! Hey, Mick.
Heat Wave: How’ve you been? I heard you were sick.
Wizard: Nope. I’ve just been taking it easy.
Top: What a surprise.
Wizard: What’s that supposed to mean?
Top: It means that you are a lazy fool who hasn’t done a day’s work in his life.
Wizard: Am not! Why, I stole an entire tractor-trailer full of sports cars in an hour once!
Top: Yes, by sitting on your couch and allowing a tornado to detach the trailer from the cab of the truck and deliver the loot to your house.
Wizard: So? You can’t fault me for conserving energy!
Top: “Conserving energy”, my foot.
Wizard: What’s the matter, Top? Are you jealous of my power?
Top: No. I simply think it is wasted on a man who uses it only to commit petty thefts.
Wizard: (Raises weather wand) Petty? (Waves wand) I’ll show you petty! (Thunderclap)
Heat Wave: Whoa there, Mark, let’s not get hasty. I don’t want you to do something in the heat of the moment that you’ll regret-like destroying this building with all of us in it!
Piper: Mick’s right, Mark. It’s too dangerous to get into a fight here.
Wizard: (Lowers weather wand) Fine. But if you expect me to take his stupid comments forever, you’re chasing rainbows, Piper.
Piper: (to Top) Roscoe, please don’t antagonize Mark. You really don’t want him to make you face the music .
Top: I am not afraid of him, Piper.
Wizard: Well, you should be, because if you don’t start respecting me, our little truce will be nothing more than the calm before the storm!
Top: Whatever you say, Mardon. Whatever you say. (Pause) Shall we get down to business?
Heat Wave: Yeah, we should. Who has a plan for our next heist?
Piper: I do, actually, so if you don’t mind, I’ll be calling the tune on this job. You see, some friends of my parents are importing some very fine jewelery, and I think that those jewels will make for a tidy sum for the poor….
Act III
(Wally, Iris, and Joan are sitting at a table)
Wally: Boy, that was delicious! (Sneezes) I don’t care what Uncle Barry says-McDonalds has the best food in the world!
Joan: It isn’t exactly the healthiest food, you know.
Wally: Yeah, I know-but with the way I burn calories (Sneezes) , it isn’t going to hurt me any!
Iris: Um, I’m not sure that’s how it works, Wally.
Wally: Well, even if it isn’t, I’m young and it tastes good, so who cares?
Joan: I do, for one.
Iris: And so do I.
Wally: Good grief! When are you two (Sneezes) going to stop treating me like a little kid?
Iris: Wally, I watched you grow up. It’s going to take awhile for me to adjust-especially when you keep acting like a crazy teenager.
Wally: I don’t act like a crazy teenager! (Sneezes) I act like a crazy adult!
Joan: Wally, there isn’t much difference between a crazy teenager and a crazy adult.
Wally: Oh, yeah? (Sneezes) Prove it!
Joan: The Trickster.
Wally: Yeah, you’ve pretty much got me there. (Sneezes) Sorry I’m so annoying.
Joan: It’s all right. You’re not annoying most of the time, dear.
Iris: Just some of the time.
Wally: I love you guys. (Sneezes) So, what should we do next?
Iris: We could go shoe shopping. I’ve been needing a new pair of heels.
Wally: No! Not shoe shopping! Linda’s taken me on enough shoe shopping trips to last a lifetime! (Sneezes)
Iris: I was only kidding, Wally.
Wally: Good. Oooh, why don’t we get ice cream?
Joan: You can get ice cream. It probably isn’t a good idea for us to get it.
Wally: Yes! (Disappears, then returns with ice cream and cake)
Joan: Where did you get the cake from?
Wally: China. (Sneezes) They make everything there these days.
Iris: (Laughs) You ran all the way to China just to get cake?
Wally: Well, I was aiming for Hungary, but I overshot.
Joan: How did you overshoot Hungry? You have a full-time residency there.
Wally: Huh? (Pauses, then laughs) Oh, I get it! That’s hilarious, Joan!
Joan: Why thank you, Wally. I think you and your aunt are rubbing off on me.
Iris: I’m glad we decided to do this. Barry’s a dear, but when he gets sick, he can be a bit of a nightmare.
Wally: Wait, Uncle Barry can be a nightmare?
Iris: Believe it or not, yes. Now, he’s not rude or whiny, but he keeps trying to leave his bed and stop crimes instead of resting so that he can get well, and it’s very irritating to make him stay put, because he gives me these really sad puppy dog eyes when I tell him to stay at home.
Wally: Hah! I knew he (Sneezes) had a weakness besides punctuality!
Joan: All three of you have that weakness, Wally.
Wally: I do not! (His phone rings) Sorry. I need to take this. (Pulls out phone) Hello, Commissioner? The Rogues? What are they doing? Mmm-hmm. Uh-huh. All right. I’ll be there as soon as possible, Commish! (Sneezes) You’re welcome. Good-bye. (Puts away phone) Sorry, guys, I’ve gotta run! The Rogues are trying to steal some jewelry, and I need to stop them.
Iris: No problem, Wally. Go get them!
Joan: And be careful!
(Exit Wally)
Iris: You know, just once, I would like to have an outing that isn’t interrupted by criminals, the Rogues, telepathic gorillas, or aliens who want to take over the world.
Joan: I fully agree with you, Iris. (Pause) Would you like to go shoe shopping with me while he’s gone?
Iris: That sounds terrific, Joan.
Commercial Break!
Act IV
(Enter the Rogues, running)
Piper: (Yelling over his shoulder) Thank you for your generous donation to the poor, Mr. Englewood!
Top: Oh, that was terrific fun! I’m feeling on top of the world right now!
Heat Wave: You’re right, Top. There’s nothing like a nice heist with all of my bestest friends to give me those nice warm and fuzzy feelings.
Wizard: Tell me about it. I’m on cloud nine!
Top: What are you going to do with your money, Piper? I am going to buy a nice suit and some new tops for my collection.
Heat Wave: I’m going to buy some presents for all of my friends so that I can warm their hearts. I’m sure Captain Cold will love a new parka.
Top: I was not asking you, you imbecile.
Heat Wave: Oh. I’m sorry, Top.
Top: Just be sure it does not happen again.
Wizard: I’m going to buy me a new car so that I can finally get a girlfriend!
Top: That will never happen, Mark, and I was not asking you either.
Wizard: Well gee, thanks for destroying my ray of hope, Roscoe.
Top: Moron. (To Piper) Well, my friend? What are you going to do with your share of the loot?
Piper: I’m going to donate it to a charity for sick children. The cries of joy that will produce will be music to my ears.
Top: You are giving away your money again? (Pause) I do not believe you.
Piper: What’s so wrong about wanting to help people?
(Enter Wally)
Wally: Because you’re going about it all wrong, Piper.
Wizard: By the four seasons! It’s the Flash!
Top: Not to worry, Mardon. This one is a mere child. (To Wally) Spin.
Wally: Whoa! (Stumbles, but keeps his balance) You should become a ride at Disney World or something, Top, because you make me just as dizzy.
Heat Wave: It’s time for you to take the heat, Kid Flash! (Fires at Wally, who narrowly dodges)
Wally: No thanks!
Wizard: (Waves his wand) We’re too powerful for you to stop, Flash. Why don’t you take a rain check?
Wally: No way! Defeating a bunch of clowns like you will be a breeze!
Top: Perhaps. Then again, perhaps not. (Spins out of Wally’s way)
Heat Wave: This situation is too hot for you to handle, Flash! You should leave before you get hurt or something.
Wally: Get hurt by one of you? Yeah, right. (He sneezes, and Top grabs him from behind)
Top: You were saying?
Wizard: Nighty night, Flash. (Raises his wand, and Wally sneezes again, causing the wand to go flying out of his hand) My wand!
Wally: (Breaks free) Nice try, Mardon. (He handcuffs Wizard and Top to one another)
Heat Wave: Hey, nobody hurts my friends like that!
Wally: (Taps him on the shoulder) You need better friends. (Handcuffs him to a lamp)
Piper: Flash, I’m not going to fight you. I abhor violence, as a general rule, and I know as well as anyone that my musical hypnosis doesn’t work well on you. However, before you take me away, I want to ask you something. Mr. Englewood hardly needs more money, and everyone knows that his factories are some of the most hazardous in the country for his workers. Why is it so wrong that I take money from him and give it to children who are dying from preventable diseases because of lack of money? You can’t argue that he deserves it more than they do, and he’s wealthy enough that he won’t even miss the money we took from him. Can’t you at least let me give the money away before you take me to jail? Please?
Wally: Piper, if I’m being honest, part of me wants to let you, but here’s the thing. I can’t let you break the law in order to help people. I’m sorry.
Piper: That’s all right. You’re just doing what you were told is right. I can’t fault you for that.
(Wally handcuffs him)
Wally: A word of advice, Piper? If you really want to help the poor, and I think you do, I think you’ll find it more rewarding if you do it on the right side of the law.
(Exit Wally)
Wizard: Well, that was a bust.
Top: For once, Mardon, we agree about something.
Heat Wave: Hey, guys, look at the bright side! At least we’re all still together.
Wizard: True. Nobody can call us fair-weather friends!
Heat Wave: And you know what’s even better? When we go back to prison, we can see Captain Cold again!
Top: I’m thrilled.
Wizard: Aww, don’t be such a downer, Top. You should learn to see the silver lining.
Top: I hate you both.
Piper: (Aside) All I wanted was to give the poor justice. Why is that a crime? The idea of people like my parents helping the poor is just a pipe dream...isn’t it?
Act V
(Iris and Joan are onstage. Enter Wally)
Wally: Hi, Iris! Hi, Joan! (Sneezes)
Joan: Oh, hi, Wally. Are you all right?
Wally: I’m okay. (Sneezes) But I think you were right about me being sick. I just took my temperature, and I’m 114 degrees. (Sneezes)
Joan: 114? How are you still alive?
Wally: Because the baseline body temperature for speedsters is 107 degrees.
Joan: Oh, that’s right.
Iris: Were you able to stop the Rogues?
Wally: Yep! (Sneezes) They’re being transported back to prison now, and all the jewelry has been returned. (Sneezes)
Iris: So, what do you want to do now, Wally?
Wally: I want to go home and sleep. (Sneezes) Running around sick won’t help anything.
Iris: Yes! A hero finally sees reason!
Wally: (Sneezes) Oh, and one more thing? Would you mind (Sneezes) donating money to the Children’s Health Foundation? I have a certain….friend who would really appreciate it.
Joan: Of course we will, Wally.
Wally: Thanks. You two are the greatest! (Sneezes)