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Beca Mitchell is a badass. If anyone asks, she’s not scared of anything. She’s not scared of monsters in the dark or spiders in her room and she doesn’t feel the slightest bit dizzy when she’s in a high place.
So she’s not scared of anything. Really.
Okay, maybe she’s just scared of one little thing.
Beca happens to hate storms. When the wind is whistling outside loudly as the rain is flooding the earth and the thunder is rumbling loudly, that’s when she feels at her most anxious. She’s never talked about it to anyone and she doesn’t know how to even explain why they make her feel that way.
She blames it on her parents.
I.
“Bec, can we talk to you about something?”
Beca presses pause on her MP3 player and looks up from her homework, not liking the way her parents are looking at her so seriously right now. They’re standing under her door frame but even if it’s narrow, they still find a way to not touch each other doing it.
She nods and they enter her room in a heavy silence, the only sound that Beca can hear now that her music is not playing is the rain pattering against the window. It had been raining all day, the sky a gloomy shade of grey and Beca’s hair was still damp from running to her house after stepping out of the bus.
“Do you want to--”
“I think-- Yes. Okay.”
“No I mean, it’s up to you.”
“I-- Well, you too.”
Beca looks at her parents stuttering to each other awkwardly and then finally, her mother sits on the edge of the bed and pats the mattress next to her.
“Come here.”
She slides out of her chair until her feet touch the ground and she has to give herself a little boost so she can climb on her bed next to her mother. Beca hates how small she is sometimes. People make fun of her at school because she’s the smallest girl in all of grade 2 and she doesn’t like it. She doesn’t like the stares, she just wants to mind her own business without attracting any attention.
Her mother lifts her hand to pat her on the shoulder a few times, making Beca look at the hand before turning to her father who’s still standing in front of them. His face is devoid of any emotions and she knows whatever is going to happen isn’t good.
It’s silent for a few seconds and Beca shifts on the bed so can look comfortably at her mom and dad without straining her neck.
“Beca, your mother and I will be getting a divorce.”
A loud boom is suddenly heard as though it was right on top of their house. The thunder makes the walls shake and Beca gets startled, jumping back. It lasts a few seconds and by the end of it, her heart is racing from the surprise and her eyes are wide. Her hands are in tight fists around the covers and she waits anxiously as though it will happen again any second now.
“Francis, why did you say it like that?”
“How was I supposed to say it?”
“Not like that!” Her mother says impatiently but it almost feels distant. Beca’s gaze is fixed on the window where it’s raining so hard outside that she can’t even discern the house in front of them anymore.
“Well, it’s the truth!”
“I just-- you know what, it doesn’t matter. Bec, your father and I are going to separate. It’s been a long time coming and we think this is the best decision.”
The hand on her shoulder reappears and it makes Beca jump again. She brings her knees to her chin and looks back and forth at them. She has so many questions but the words are stuck in her throat for some reason. What does separate even mean? Why would them not being together be a good thing? Sure they fight a lot and they don’t sleep in the same bed but surely, they can’t leave her by herself, right?
“We still love you so much,” her dad says. She nods but her heart drops in her chest when he starts explaining that he’s going to move out and move to Atlanta. That he has a really interesting job offer at some school on the other side of the country and he’s going to take it.
If he loves her, why is he moving so far away?
A lightning flashes across the sky and it illuminates her parents’ faces in a way she doesn’t like and she shuts her eyes. She rests her forehead on her knees and tries to listen to what her parents are saying over the heavy rain.
They keep repeating the same thing. They still love her, this is just a small change that’s for the best. Her father will still be there as much as he can and she’ll still live with her mother so some things won’t change. They can skype and Beca could even visit him in the summer.
She doesn’t want to visit in the summer. She wants her father to stay.
By the time they leave, the storm hasn’t subdued even though it’s been an hour and the only light in Beca’s room is from the small lamp she has by her desk from where she was doing homework previously. Her desk is facing the window and she’s scared to get close to it to grab her MP3 player, afraid that a lightning will appear at the same time and strike her.
She gets up from her bed carefully, her heart stuck in her throat. Every step is taken with extreme carefulness, hoping that the sky doesn’t lash out at her again.
Thunder rumbles again and she loses all the progress she made and she jumps back on her bed. She dives under the covers and puts her hands on her ears to drown out the sound of the wind making the trees bent with an impressionable force.
She doesn’t sleep a wink that night. She has one arm wrapped around her legs to keep them close to her chest and the other is over her ear to muffle the sounds from outside. She tries to rock herself but all she can think about is that if her parents love her, why are they doing this to her? Why is her father leaving them for someone else? Is she not enough for him?
When she wakes up the next morning after a restless night, the sky isn’t angry anymore and the birds are chirping as they fly across the blue sky. Beca looks at it from her window and thinks that now, it feels as though the storm is inside of her and she doesn’t know if it’ll ever leave.
II.
13 years later, Beca is over her parents’ divorce (though, she’s still holding onto some resentment against her father) but she’s still very much not over storms. Turns out, your parents divorcing generally happens only once while rain and wind battling outside can happen quite frequently.
She’s 20 years old and against all odds, she’s still at Barden. Not only is she not in LA like she predicted she would be, she’s sleeping in the house that’s designed for the Bellas. It’s her first year as co-captain because somehow, Chloe convinced her to lead the Bellas with her when she found out she wasn’t graduating.
She loves it. She loves her friends and she loves being a captain but at this moment, she can’t remember why the fuck she chose to stay in Atlanta when she could be in sunny Los Angeles where it never rains.
She also wonders why Amy and her chose the room in the attic because it feels as though the storm is happening right on top of her head. The drops of water are hitting the roof hard and no matter how many times Beca has opened the window and shut it close, the wind still manages to whistle through it.
It’s the middle of the afternoon but it’s so dark outside because of the grey clouds that it feels as though Beca is stuck in a fog that’s never ending. Her brain feels fuzzy and she tries to concentrate on the mix playing at maximum volume in her ears right now but somehow, the fury outside is winning. She has some textbooks open next to her, on the verge of falling off the bed but they’re long forgotten.
At this moment, Beca is more preoccupied with breathing properly.
She’s in a foetus position, her legs close to her chest and her forehead is hidden in her knees as if it could protect her. One hand is gripping the sheets with force and the other is on her own mouth to keep herself from releasing loud sobs.
The rational part of her brain knows that thunder and lighting can’t hurt her from inside the house but when the lights flicker inside the Bellas house, it feels as though her lungs give in and no coherent thought can enter her brain anymore.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Inhale. Inhale. Fuck, has she ever learned how to breathe? She’s not sure. It doesn’t feel like she has the ability to breathe or if she ever had it in the first place.
A loud thunder is heard following a lightning bolt and Beca squeezes her eyes shut. It’s so loud. It’s too loud. She feels as though she’s suffocating and she needs to get as far away from the squall as possible.
Why would she choose a room in the attic? Stupid Beca.
She tries to think where she should go. The basement would be the logical choice but that place is definitely haunted and she’s not stepping foot there. Her next choice is the ground floor but she knows Jessica and Ashley are currently making brownies in the kitchen and Cynthia-Rose and Lilly are watching a movie in the living room.
Stacie, Amy, Flo and Chloe are all in class. There’s no way in hell she’s going near Stacie’s space because she doesn’t know what kind of stuff the girl is up to in that bed. Amy sleeps right next to her so it’s no better and she doesn’t know Flo enough to feel comfortable in her bed.
That leaves Chloe’s room.
Since she’s a super senior, the girls all agreed to leave the room with one queen sized bed to her. Beca is close enough to Chloe to know that she has a really comfortable bed. She’s never slept there but she has spent a few evenings with Chloe watching Netflix on Beca’s laptop and she knows the mattress is not too hard and not too soft.
A thunder booms once again and she’s up in an instant, almost falling down in the process. She wraps her arms around her middle as some source of comfort and ducks her head down so she doesn’t have to look at the violent winds making the trees almost snap in half outside.
Everything feels hazy so she only realizes that it’s not conventional for someone to just invade someone’s space without permission after she closes the door of Chloe’s room. She could get out but the bedroom still smells like the perfume her fellow captain has sprayed on herself before class and her bed just looks so inviting. She has a pink teddy bear between two pillows that Beca knows is called Mr Fuzzy Bear and all she wants to do is join him.
Besides, the rain already seems farther from her and the music in her ears is finally muffling the sounds.
Like she’s outside of her body, she takes slow steps to the bed and climbs inside. She shivers at how cold the sheets are and as soon as she turns to the side and inhales the scent of Chloe’s pillows, she feels her heart tighten. The sheets smell like the mango lotion that the ginger girl puts on herself every night before sleep and Beca relaxes at the familiar scent. She knows that scent. It’s not scary.
It reminds her of hugs that she pretends to hate and almost falling asleep while a cheesy romantic movie is playing on the screen between them because Chloe wanted to watch that movie and Beca didn’t know how to say no to those puppy eyes.
A lightning brightens the room for a split second and Beca’s hand flies to the teddy bear to hold on to it, her fingers squeezing his tiny fluffy body. She closes her eyes and nearly hits herself on the chin with her knees when she brings them up. Her heartbeat is loud but Titanium is louder in her ears. The only time she can hear the rain outside is when a song finishes and she’s waiting for the next one to start and just those few seconds makes Beca feel like she’s stuck in a nightmare.
She keeps her eyes shut for what feels like hours, refusing to look outside to look at the violent weather. She just wondered who the fuck pissed off Mother Nature this hard because this? This definitely can’t mean something good. Someone is angry and Beca can understand that more than anyone but holy shit did she wish it didn’t impact her like this.
She suddenly feels a hand on her shoulder and she instantly screams, jumping back and straightening her body so fast that she hits her head on the headboard and her headphones fall off.
“Fuck! Shit, fuck, shit, fuck,” she says, bringing her hand to the top of her head and groaning at the pain.
“Sorry! I didn’t think I’d startle you that much,” Beca hears a sweet voice say and she turns her head to see Chloe looking at her with apologetic eyes. Though, there is a hint of confusion in the blue color and Beca realizes that it is weird that she’s just in her bed without explanation.
“No, I’m--” She shakes her head and sits up awkwardly, her hand falling back on her lap. “I’m sorry I’m in your bed. It’s-- weird.”
“Don’t worry about it, I’m into it,” Chloe says with a wink and her usual flirtiness that makes Beca blush every time. “But I am wondering why.”
She looks outside and she sees that while it is still raining, it’s calmed down a little and it’s not storming enough for thunder and lightning anymore. She breathes out a little, feeling like she can finally relax again. She can deal with a little rain, she doesn’t mind.
“So what’s up?”
“I’m… Uh I don’t...” Beca tries to start but she has no idea how to even finish her sentence. She’s never told anyone that she’s scared of storms. It’s pathetic and it’s certainly not badass so it’s not anything that she wants someone else to know.
But Chloe is looking at her with those bright blue eyes that remind Beca of a calm ocean. Waves crashing down gently on the shore over and over again and she feels a peacefulness fill her heart.
She looks down at her lap and plays with the teddy bear that is still near her. Chloe waits patiently until she talks because that's what she always does. Somehow, since the first moment they met, the overly bubbly girl understood that Beca isn’t always the best with words and she just waits until Beca feels ready to talk to her.
“Ever since I was little, I’ve been like, I don’t know it’s stupid, but I’ve been kind of afraid of… storms,” she says quietly, her eyes still looking down so she doesn’t have to see Chloe stifle a laughter as she finds out a 20 year old is scared of some rain.
“I don’t think it’s stupid.”
She looks up in surprise and sees nothing but sincerity on Chloe’s face. “You don’t?”
The redhead smiles a little and shuffles around so she can join Beca under the covers. When she’s comfortable, she looks at Beca with her back leaning on the headboard.
“Of course not. Thunder can be scary.”
“Yeah,” Beca agrees quietly, her finger tracing Mr Fuzzy Bear’s nose distractly.
“I’m scared of plenty of things,” Chloe hums casually. “I hate clowns, don’t even get me started on spiders and I’m also really really afraid of dying alone.”
Beca’s movements stop and she looks at the woman sitting next to her. She opens her mouth but no words come out. She had no idea Chloe was scared of these things, especially not dying alone. It suddenly made sense why they couldn’t even go out for a walk without Chloe recognizing at least 3 people on campus and she was pushing that hard for Bellas Bonding Nights every Friday. She surrounded herself with people to make sure she wouldn’t be lonely.
Chloe bites her lower lip and then shrugs.
“We’re all afraid of something.”
“I guess, yeah.”
“Well you can always come here if there’s a storm,” Chloe says gently, reaching over to put her warm hand on top of Beca’s cold one. “I’ll protect you. And if I’m not there, then Mr Fuzzy Bear will protect you.”
Beca lets out a chuckle and Chloe’s smile gets even bigger. She nods and boldly flips her hand so they can intertwine fingers.
“Deal. And I’ll totally kill any spiders for you.”
“My hero.”
III.
More years pass. Some things change, some things don’t.
Beca is still at Barden and she’s now finishing her last year of college. She’s still co-captain of the Bellas and she still has a deeply embarrassing fear of storms. She still hates movies and waking up early to the sound of her friends singing.
Beca doesn't consider herself someone that deals well with change. Hence why it took her almost two years to get used to her father moving across the country and why it took her even longer to accept a call from him. She likes when things stay the same and gets easily annoyed when she loses control over those things.
She’s noticed that there is one thing that has been constant since the start of her stay at Barden University and that is one Chloe Beale. Beca met her on the very first day that she arrived on the campus and all these years later, the woman is still standing by her side (holding her hand most of the time).
Chloe is her best friend by far and the person who knows Beca the most. She’s the only person on Earth who’s allowed to hug Beca without warning and not get killed in the process and the Bellas all know it. Chloe is an unwavering presence in her life and Beca appreciated that.
One thing has changed about her friendship with Chloe, though.
Beca is utterly and completely in love with her.
It’s been a weird thing and frankly, Beca thinks the whole being-in-love-with-your-best-friend is overrated. It’s not fun, it’s more like overthinking every single interaction you have with that person because you wonder if there's a chance they could ever feel the same way. And because Beca is so lucky in life, she happened to fall in love with the most touchy-feely person she has ever met.
Chloe flirts and kisses everyone she’s friends with. Beca lost count of the number of times she saw her make out with Stacie at a party or grinding against Cynthia-Rose as they danced together. It’s noticeable that Chloe has never once tried to kiss her while they were drunk which is honestly a good thing because Beca is not sure how she’d be able to deal with it.
Of course, none of that makes Beca jealous. It doesn’t. She doesn’t have the right to be jealous because she’s not dating Chloe.
(It does help that when those nights end, Chloe is usually draped all over Beca and begging her to cuddle.)
So Chloe practically acts like she’s in love with everyone she meets and Beca is not nearly confident enough to admit her true feelings to the redhead. The nightmares she’s had about confessing her love to Chloe only to have her friend look at her with pure disgust is enough to make her rethink if her number 1 fear is still storms.
Maybe losing Chloe is slowly making its way on that list of things she’s scared of but she’s not ready to admit that to anyone yet, especially not herself.
Even though those past years with the Bellas have definitely softened her up (ugh, friendship is disgusting), she’s still very much a badass and she refuses to let other people know that she’s not as fearless as she pretends to be.
During one game of truth or dare, she got asked by Emily what was her biggest secret and instead of admitting that she was afraid of storms, she ended up saying that she made her cousin Lindsey touch tongues with her when they were younger. She’s still not sure if telling that story was really less embarrassing but she could blame her poor decision-making on the alcohol.
It’s been a hard year. Juggling the internship and the Bellas and college is hard and on top of that, Beca has to deal with Chloe who is pretty emotionally unstable lately. At least, it’s better now that they came back from the retreat and Chloe and Beca have been able to have a genuine conversation about her internship.
Chloe told her that she just wished she wouldn’t have kept that from her and Beca agreed. It’s much better when they tell each other everything.
Well, almost everything.
It’s a couple of hours after they came back from a particularly exhaustive rehearsal that Beca wakes up to a loud boom in the sky. She sits up in a gasp and it doesn’t take long for her to recognize the familiar sound of a torrent against her room’s window.
Amy snores on the bed next to her and it makes Beca jump, her hands gripping the sheets tightly. She sighs, crossing her legs and running her fingers through her hair. She doesn’t dare to try to look outside, she can imagine it quite easily. Her heart immediately starts racing and she knows that there’s no way she’ll be able to fall back asleep again now.
Thunder rumbles again and this one is accompanied by a flash of lightning that can be seen through the curtains. It makes a scream get stuck in her throat and all that comes out is a weak whimper.
She hates the way her insides twist every time, the way it feels as though a knife gets stuck in her throat at every lightning. She hates that every thunderstorm brings her back to that seven year old version of herself, the one that was listening to her parents telling her their love for her was not enough to keep their family together as rain pattered loudly against the window of her childhood bedroom.
The thought of not being enough entering her brain and it never leaving ever again. Every storm making her feel smaller each time, like one day she’ll drown into the water flooding the earth and she’ll disappear into nothingness without anyone noticing.
Chloe would notice, she thinks.
Sweet Chloe who sometimes looks at her like Beca is the most important person on the planet. In those moments, Beca feels like she is.
She sniffs and realizes that she’s been crying. The rain is loud against the roof and it’s stressing her out by the minute so without thinking, she gets up and her feet bring her in front of a white door. The doors all look the same in the hallway but that one is special because she knows what’s behind it. Chloe is behind that door and that is not something that Beca is scared of.
She twists the doorknob carefully and enters the room, trying to focus on not making any noise instead of the fact that it sounds like Earth is fighting a battle outside of these four walls. A loud thunder is suddenly heard like it’s right outside Chloe’s window and Beca’s back closes the door with force when she collides against it.
Her breath gets stuck in her throat and she squeezes her eyes shut when she sees a lightning illuminate the room. She doesn’t even remember where she is as she slides down the door and wraps her arms around her legs, breathing in and out quickly.
Hands on her biceps startle her and she discerns Chloe through the dark and her blurry vision. She feels thumbs wipe her cheeks and lips on her forehead.
“Hey, you’re okay,” Chloe says in the most gentle voice she’s ever heard. It’s slightly raspy from having just woken up but it’s still calming. “Come here, sweetie.”
Beca is on auto-pilot as Chloe helps her up and she walks over to the bed trembling with every step. Chloe lays down, bringing Beca down with her and she doesn’t let any space between their bodies. Beca feels a hand on the back of her head so that she’s hiding her face in red hair and the other hand is on her back, moving up and down in a soothing way.
Her entire body is shaking and she’s pretty sure her hands are freezing cold but when she puts them on Chloe’s skin where her shirt has ridden up, Chloe doesn't seem to mind. She just exhales and holds on to Beca even tighter, her fingers lightly scratching her scalp. They hear another thunder and Beca’s body recoils, her hand fisting around Chloe’s shirt.
“You’re okay, Becs. I got you. I got you,” she hears being whispered into her ear. “You’re safe with me.”
Chloe starts humming gently and even though it’s a song Beca doesn’t know, she feels the vibrations of her neck as she sings and it calms her down. Chloe’s hair smells like cherry blossoms and her voice feels like honey and Beca’s hold on the shirt relaxes gradually as the song continues.
She doesn’t lose her grip on Chloe, though and the woman holds on just as tight. They’re both laying in the middle of the bed, their bodies wrapped around each other like they’re trying to become one. Beca can feel the girl’s pulse and she focuses on the steady way Chloe is breathing next to her. Without even realising, the outside world vanishes and all Beca thinks about is the fact that she’s holding on to the woman she loves and that she’s safe now.
“Just breathe, Becs. That's all you have to do. You’re doing so good.”
She feels lips on the top of her head and there’s so many things she’d like to say. She’d like to say thank you, she’d like to say I love you but instead, she just squeezes tighter and Chloe seems to understand it.
“I’m so glad you came to me. I love you, okay?”
Beca lives and breathes sounds as an aspiring music producer and she likes to think she has an ear for knowing what sounds good or not. On the very top of the list of sounds she despises, you can find the sound of thunder without any surprise. If you look on the list right next to it and look at number one on sounds that Beca does like; you’d find Chloe’s voice.
IIII.
Beca thought the whole fucking point of Los Angeles was that it never rained. It was supposed to be uncomfortably hot and make you sweat in places you’d never thought but it was especially not supposed to have thunderstorms.
She was only there for one little week. Five days out of 365. She was there for official business with Theo and his team to discuss what they wanted to do now that Beca had opened up for DJ Khaled at the USO tour a couple of months ago.
It was going to be a boring week filled with business meetings that would make Beca want to shoot her brains out and then she’d be able to come back home to New York where her girlfriend was waiting for her.
She’d complain about how much eye contact Theo does all the time and how uncomfortable the bed was in the hotel room they had her stay at. It was actually a pretty comfortable bed since they put her in a 4 stars hotel but Beca somehow got used to a human leech wrapped around her as she slept and now it didn’t feel right to have a full bed to herself.
Instead, it’s the second night that she’s there and Los Angeles thought a nice way to welcome her there would be a nice heavy storm that happened very rarely around there. The thunder is loud and the lightning bolts are frequent and Beca’s head is under a pillow as she tries to drown out the sounds.
Her entire body is shivering but she’s not cold, she’s completely terrified. It has been more than three years since she’s dealt with a thunderstorm alone and she doesn’t remember in the slightest how she used to do it. Now, as she slowly panics more by the second and tries to remember how to inhale and exhale air whilst having a pillow over her head, she feels as though she’s losing her mind.
She tries to imagine Chloe in front of her, showing her how to take deep breaths in and out to calm her down. Her soft fingers that would wipe Beca’s tears and smile at her gently as she sang a song gently to muffle out the sound of the rain outside. She tries to remember Chloe’s voice but at this moment, all that exists is the thunder twisting her guts with every rumble and the drops of water filling her lungs at the same time.
She used to get better and better each time there was a storm but without Chloe, all that progress is lost and Beca finds herself back to square 1. The last storm that happened in New York, Beca had been able to fall asleep in Chloe’s arms in less than 10 minutes after but it’s been over an hour since the storm started today and she’s not even breathing right. She hates how embarrassed she is right now, how she feels like an immature kid that needs someone with them constantly.
She takes the pillow off her face and releases a breath when she feels the cool air hit her skin. She didn’t have time to wipe her makeup before the storm started so she can already see the mascara on the white sheets but she can’t care about that right now. She tries to make a sound, just to see if she’s still in control of her body but all that comes out is a mix between a sob and a moan.
She wishes Chloe was there because her girlfriend has always been so good with her during these times. When they were at Barden, Chloe would always sleep slightly to the side instead of the middle like she usually did because she knew Beca would join her in bed later. When she’d feel the bed dip with Beca’s weight, she’d wake up a little and cuddle closer to her as she whispered something about being cold and that she’s so glad she came so Beca wouldn’t feel embarrassed.
She needs Chloe. She needs Chloe’s arms around her body and the vibrations of her throat that soothes Beca down each time but she can’t have that right now so she’ll settle for Chloe’s voice over the speaker.
She grabs her phone and tries to unlock it but her vision is blurry and the tears are getting everywhere which messes up with the touch screen and her fingers are trembling too much. She releases a loud cry out of pure frustration and the thunder booms at the same time, making her lose grasp of her phone.
She grabs it again and the desperation is clear in her voice as she speaks. “Siri, c-call Chloe,” she practically begs the device.
“Sorry, I cannot find any contacts named Oakley.”
Oakley? Who the fuck is Oakley? She doesn’t want to call Oakley, she wants her girlfriend. Her bottom lips quivers and she shakes her head furiously. She’s rocking herself back and forth, her chin resting on her knees and she tries again.
“Siri, call C-Chloe.”
“Okay. Calling Chloe.”
She exhales, slumping her shoulders and she wipes some tears off her face, anxiously waiting for the moment that she’ll finally hear the voice she needs to hear outside. She looks at the drawn curtains and imagines the fury happening outside and it brings a knot up to her throat.
“Beca?”
Beca tries to greet her girlfriend. Really, she does because she’s aware that it’s well past midnight in New York right now and she probably just woke up Chloe in the middle of a deep sleep. So she tries to at least say one “hello” that is neutral enough but all that comes out is a gasp as though she’s drowning and she’s trying to suck in as much air as she can.
“Baby, are you okay?”
“Chlo,” she manages to let out and a thunder loud enough for the woman on the other side of the line to hear makes the wall of Beca’s hotel room shake.
“Oh sweetie, it’s okay. I’m here.”
Beca closes her eyes, laying on her side so one of her ears is covered by the pillow and the other can listen to Chloe’s voice.
“I- I can’t br-brea--”
“Yes you can, love. Just follow my lead, okay?” Chloe says before Beca hears her inhale deeply and hold it in for a second before exhaling.
It takes several minutes for Beca to be able to sync her breathing to Chloe’s but her girlfriend stays patient, murmuring words of encouragement as she relaxes a little. Her grip around the bed covers loosens and she feels one tear slip from her eye make its way to the pillow.
“You’re doing so good, baby. I’m so proud of you. You got it.”
She releases a shaky exhale and nods to herself. She can almost feel the way Chloe’s fingers would be stroking her hair right now and probably humming a song because she knew the relaxing effect it had on Beca.
“What do you need from me?”
Beca hesitates a little between asking her to sing or just talk and she finally decides on the latter.
“Just-- talk to me. About anything.”
Chloe hums as she tries to think of something to talk about and Beca presses the phone more onto her ear so it muffles the sounds outside.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about our first kiss recently.”
Beca’s lips instantly curl up at the memory and she lets herself remember all of it. She closes her eyes and it’s like a movie starts playing in her head.
“I’m so glad we moved out here.”
Beca turns to Chloe, inhaling the smoke and feeling it fill her lungs.
“Yeah,” she says as she breathes out and passes the joint to Chloe who’s looking at the window in the apartment in front of them.
Beca has her feet against the fence of the balcony, her knees pressed against her chest and she leans her head back on the brick wall. Chloe is sitting crossed-legged like she always is and her back is completely straight like she’s been taught to have it all her life.
“I’ve always liked New York. There’s something special about it, right?” she says and with the joint loosely hanging from two fingers, she takes a deep puff. Beca watches her do it with avid eyes, wetting her lips when she sees the muscle of Chloe’s neck contract.
She doesn’t answer, just nods and closes her eyes. She knows Chloe will continue talking anyway, the woman tends to get even more chatty than usual when she’s a little high.
“I like how it makes you feel like you’re someone but you’re also no one.”
“Mhm.”
“Everyday I feel like I could meet the person that changes my life, you know? I could collide into someone and they’d fall in love with me instantly and we’d live happily ever after.”
Beca visibly grimaces at the thought of Chloe meeting someone and falling in love. She knows it’s not fair because it’s been years and she still hasn’t made a move on Chloe so technically, the redhead is more than allowed to date anyone she’d like but Beca wishes she’d date her .
“Pass it,” she says and Chloe hands her the joint, making their hands brush. Beca takes a long drag and likes the way her whole body seems relaxed right now.
She’s not stressed about anything. She’s not stressed out about the fact that Amy won’t help them pay the rent or the fact that her job is a lot harder than she thought it’d be. She’s with Chloe right now on their tiny little balcony and they’re the only things that exist in Beca’s mind.
“I want that to happen.”
“Mhm?”
“Someone falling in love with me,” Chloe says quietly, eyes still looking straight ahead. “Pass it.”
Beca straightens in her seat, letting her feet touch the ground. It happens fast and in slow-motion all at once and she’s not sure she would have done if she hadn’t been feeling so relaxed from the weed. She leans her body forward until her nose is inches away from Chloe’s and lingers for a second before capturing her lips. Chloe makes a sound in surprise but kisses back instantly.
Beca cups Chloe’s cheek with the hand that is not holding the joint and Chloe tangles her hands in Beca’s hair as the kiss deepens. Their lips move against each other and Beca wonders what took her so long to do it when she could’ve known Chloe’s lips taste like all this time. Chloe’s lips makes her feel higher and better than anything ever could and she feels on top of the moon. It feels like something they should’ve done all this time and Beca has no intention of ever stopping now that she knows what it’s like to kiss her.
When they pull away, Beca keeps her eyes closed like she’s afraid the moment will shatter and Chloe will tell her this was just a one time thing. She feels Chloe’s hands slide down to her neck and her thumbs caress the cold skin smoothly.
“I mean the joint when I said pass it, you know.”
Beca opens her eyes as she laughs and smirks arrogantly. “Are you complaining, Beale?”
“God, no.”
She opens her eyes when Chloe chuckles like she had been playing the memory in her head too.
“Still can’t believe it took you this long to kiss me.”
“Hey,” Beca says, her voice raspy from crying but she doesn’t feel so terrified anymore. How could she be scared of the world when it gave her something as beautiful as Chloe Beale?
“I’m so glad you kissed me that night. And I especially liked what happened after that,” she teases in a husky voice that reminds Beca of the way they fell into bed together shortly after the first kiss.
The corner of her lips quirks up. “I liked that too.”
“It’s our three year anniversary soon.”
“Hm I know,” Beca says in a low voice. “Got something special for you.”
“Is that so?” Chloe’s light voice answers and Beca wishes she could see those sparkling blue eyes right now.
“I’m gonna blow your mind, babe.”
“Well I can’t wait. I have something special for you, too.”
Beca hums, shifting position and she puts one hand on her ear just so she doesn’t have to hear the rain.
“Just you being my girlfriend is special enough.”
“You’re so cheesy,” Chloe chuckles a little and Beca can hear the smile in her voice. “You’re not so badass anymore, Mitchell.”
“Mhm, I just love you.”
She swears that usually she’s not this sappy but it’s embarrassing how much she already misses Chloe and besides, she has the tendency to get even more cuddly after a bad storm so it’s kind of killing her that she can’t wrap herself around the love of her life right now.
“I love you too, baby. How are you feeling?”
She sighs, listening to the rain pattering against the window and it still seems violent but there doesn’t seem to be any thunder anymore.
“Better. Thank you.”
“I’m proud of you,” Chloe says and it’s like she just knew Beca was feeling ashamed about it and she knew what to say to make her feel okay about the situation.
“Do you need to go back to sleep?”
“I can keep talking.”
Beca releases a thankful breath. “Talk to me about your day.”
Chloe instantly dives into a disgusting story about cat puke but Beca still has a smile on her face the whole time. She closes her eyes, letting her girlfriend’s voice fill her heart until the sound of the rain melts away. She thinks that the way she feels about Chloe is the complete opposite of a storm.
It’s more like what happens after one, when the Earth has calmed down and the world is quiet. When you can finally start to breathe again because you can see the light shining through to replace dark angry clouds.
Chloe is that light.
V.
“Babe.”
“...”
“Babe.”
“...”
“Beca Mitchell-Beale!”
Beca’s eyes open in an instant and she shoots up, panic mode activated. Her eyes are wide but it’s so dark in the room that she can barely see anything.
“Becs,” Chloe’s voice grabs her attention and Beca looks over to her left where Chloe is leaning on one of her elbows and looking at her.
“Is there a fire?” Beca says and clears her throat when she hears how rapsy her voice sounds.
“No, it’s Melody.”
She tries to listen if she can hear any crying but she only registers the rain outside and she looks in the direction of the window. The blinds are shut but by the sound of it, it seems like it’s been going on for a while and it has no intention of stopping.
“Oh,” she says, her heartbeat spiking up as it always does but she remains calm enough.
It’s been years since she’s had a full panic attack about a storm. The last time being when she was in Los Angeles alone while Chloe had to stay in New York because of vet school. She was 25 then and she can proudly say she made lots of progress in the past six years.
Enough that when she’s on tour around the world and there happens to be a storm, she’s able to deal with it alone without even calling Chloe who’s safely sleeping in their Los Angeles home. When she is home, she’s able to sleep through it most of the time and when she does wake up, all she has to go is focus on Chloe’s breathing as she sleeps and it lulls her back to sleep.
A loud rumbling sound makes her grip the sheets tighter on reflex but then she finally hears her daughter’s cry immediately following it and she understands what Chloe woke her up for.
“Shit,” she says and lets her back fall on the mattress. She rubs her eyes a little to wake herself up because it always takes her a minute and her wife shifts besides her, bringing the covers to her chin.
“You go.”
“Why me?”
“Because I went the last time she had a nightmare, I carried her for nine months and then pushed her out of me while you just stood there, she’s scared of the thunder and that’s all you. Do you want me to keep going?”
Beca frowns and she opens her mouth to complain but Chloe is 100% right about all these things so she can’t really say anything.
“Right okay,” she mumbles to herself and Chloe pats her on the shoulder clumsily before moving to her side and getting ready to fall back asleep again. “Love you too.”
“Uh huh,” she hears Chloe reply and Beca smiles to herself, rolling her eyes.
She runs a hand through her hair to tame her hair and uses the light of the moon in the hallway to walk towards her daughter’s room where she can hear high-pitched crying through the door. She mentally tries to figure out what she’s going to say because she spent more than 20 years of her life being afraid of the very thing happening right now and she doesn’t want her daughter to inherit the same fear so she can’t mess this up.
She knocks two times on the door before opening it slowly, peeking her head in. “Hey baby,” she says in a sweet voice when she sees her daughter wrapped around her blanket so that only her face is visible.
“M-Mama,” she says in a quivering voice and Beca’s heart breaks, understanding the fear in her voice more than anyone.
She steps inside and joins her daughter on her bed where Melody immediately climbs onto her lap, her little body shaking. Thunder is heard once again and the girl flinches in her arms, pressing her face into Beca’s neck. Beca doesn’t even pay attention to the tears and snot wetting her skin and just sways her calmly.
“You’re okay, I got you.”
“I’m scared,” Melody says in a quiet voice. She’s four now but the way she speaks brings Beca to the time where she was two and so much smaller than she is now.
She’s still not that big, though and she’ll probably stay that way all her life. She’s dangerously similar to Beca because even though Chloe carried her, they used Beca’s egg and a mini version of her came into the world 9 months later.
“I know, Mel and that’s okay,” Beca assures immediately because she never wants her daughter to feel as ashamed as she did all her life about her fears. “But you’re safe here.”
“But-- But--” the small girl stutters and Beca knows the feeling too well. The words stuck in your throat, the ache in your chest. She shushes Melody gently and keeps rocking to the side.
The rain is loud and the thunder creates an unsettling feeling in Beca’s stomach and she knows the girl in her arms feels the same way; like the storm is inside of her and it’ll slowly take over her.
“You know, I’m scared of thunder too,” she admits to the second person ever and Melody pulls away to look at her with big wide eyes. They’re glassy with tears and Beca uses her thumbs to wipe her wet cheeks.
“You are?”
“Yeah,” Beca nods sweetly. “It can be a very scary thing but I’ve learned over the years that I don’t have to be scared because when I’m home, nothing can hurt me.”
“But it’s so loud, Mama.”
“I know, sweetie. But look, you’re with me and you’re okay, right?” she asks and waits for her daughter to nod to continue. “Mommy used to give me some tricks to help me. You want to try them together?”
“Yes,” Melody says, her little hands gripping the front of Beca’s shirt tightly.
“Okay, it’s really easy so I know you can do them. You just have to breathe in like this,” she says, inhaling and Melody follows her lead instantly. “Then breathe out,” she explains, releasing her breath loudly.
Melody pushes the air away as if she’s trying to blow some candles and it makes Beca smile softly. She rubs her hand up and down on Melody’s back and continues to breathe with her for a couple of minutes and by the end, her body stops shaking.
“You know as long as Mommy and me are here, nothing can hurt you.”
Melody nods, her fist still holding on to her mother’s shirt and she’s silent until another thunder booms and her eyes fill up with tears again.
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay,” Beca instantly cooes. “All you have to do is breathe, that’s it.”
Melody takes in a deep breath as her face scrunches up in concentration. Beca breathes along with her because even though she’s much better now, her heart always races when there’s a thunderstorm outside like some kind of Pavlovian response or some crap.
“Stay with me?”
“Of course,” Beca agrees and Melody lays down while Beca arranges the sheets on top of her and tucks her in. Her daughter slides to the side and Beca settles on top of the covers, trying not to fall because her daughter’s bed is dangerously small.
She rests her head on her palm as she leans on her elbow and brushes hair out of Melody’s face sweetly. She starts humming a song from her new album that’s set to come out soon that she wrote with Emily and Melody’s eyes close instantly. She strokes dark hair the whole time and continues the song and by the end, she’s having trouble finishing it because she’s nearly falling asleep too.
She stays until she’s sure Melody is in a deep slumber once again and with her eyes half-closed, she makes her way back to her bedroom at the end of the hallway. She's dragging her feet on the floor, not even sure if she’s even awake right now and she finally makes her way to her side of the bed.
She climbs inside and Chloe’s back faces her until the woman drifts awake a little with the movements and she instantly turns to wrap an arm around Beca’s middle.
“I’m so cold” is mumbled against her skin and Beca gets even closer, her arm settling down on top of Chloe’s. It’s the middle of January but they still live in Los Angeles so she’s not sure how Chloe could be that cold but she chooses not to question it.
“I’m here.”
“She okay?”
“She’s braver than me.”
“Hm. Love you,” her wife whispers and she feels a weak attempt at a kiss before Chloe’s breath steadies again.
As the wind whistles outside making the drops of water collide violently on their window, Beca thinks back at that last storm that scared her all those years ago. She thinks of how her career hadn’t even started and how she was a month away from proposing to Chloe on their three year anniversary.
So much has changed since then. Permanently moving to LA, touring all over the world after releasing an album, getting married, a grammy nomination (and winning), Chloe getting pregnant after months of trying, Melody being born. Beca has always hated change but those changes? She had dealt with them easily because they made her life brighter each time, chasing a grey cloud away each time.
She feels Chloe’s arm around her and the ring around her finger on her left hand and she thinks back of her sweet daughter sleeping in her room right now and Beca feels the storm slowly leaving her until it’s not a part of her anymore.
She’s not scared, she doesn't have to be. The light comes from every part of her life now and nothing can cast a shadow on it.
Beca Mitchell is a badass and some thunder and rain isn’t enough to dim the sunshine that she’s surrounded with and she couldn’t be happier.