Work Text:
When Bang PD explains that Minho is Jihyun now, Namjoon blinks and says, “Ok.”
Covid-19 is over and life is slowly getting back on track. Namjoon hasn't seen this particular producer in over a year. She stands there in loose fitting jeans and a fluffy mauve sweater. Namjoon isn't a fan of mauve but somehow, she makes it work.
Her chest is still flat, his eyes are drawn to it when she squares her shoulders. She’s trying to project confidence; he can see it.
This is the shyest he's ever seen her, granted when she was a he she was never loud but now she seems even quieter.
“Hi guys, long time no see.”
He hears Hoseok murmur a quiet wow from his left side. Minho – no, Jihyun's voice is higher than it used to be. It’s only a slight change but the difference is distinct.
He tries to remember the last time he actually heard her voice but can’t. They’ve been exchanging emails the whole time they worked on BE. He had thought it a little weird at first, but chalked it up to this hyung being a little eccentric.
A weight that he didn’t know he was carrying lifts from his shoulders when the members do their best to act like nothing is amiss.
Nothing is amiss, he reminds himself. Judging from the way Jihyun slowly relaxes and becomes more animated, he would say that if anything, things are more right for her than they ever were.
Everything works out smoothly from there. Occasionally they mess up and call her hyung instead of noona, but Jihyun doesn’t get mad. She sees that they genuinely mean nothing by it. They blanch and apologize profusely whenever they do and she thinks it’s kinda cute.
It’s not everyday your hyung turns into your noona. She understands.
*****
When the track stops playing Jihyun sits in silence for a whole minute. Beside her Namjoon continuously bites his nails, casting worried glances in her direction. It’s past midnight and they are alone in the studio.
When another 47 seconds of silence go by he cracks. “Well noona, what do you think?”
Jihyun swallows, realizing that her throat is dry. She takes a sip from her water bottle to stall for time.
The song is a track Namjoon is working on for his new mixtape. It’s been a year since D-2 and he says another mix tape is well overdue.
He admitted to her that he actually had enough songs mostly completed to do it, but the contents were so raw and sometimes controversial that he continued to hesitate.
Well, she thinks, if all the songs are like this no wonder he hesitates.
What she had just listened to was an auditory piece of Namjoon’s soul. The lyrics were unrefined honesty. He rapped about how he still struggled with his own mind, how it felt like the person that he should be and the person that he was were two separate entities in habiting the same body. How he suffered from an unending sense of wrongness, trapped inside a self, inside a him that just didn’t feel right.
It catapulted Jihyun back to that time before her surgery, how everyday it felt like she was a passenger in someone else’s body, going through life with a fake identity wearing an ill fitting suit that she didn’t even buy but could never return.
She turned to him slowly, with wide eyes. She wasn’t sure how she could tell him, explain what she was thinking. She didn’t know where to begin. But she began anyway. It would be fine, because it was clear as day that Namjoon understood.
Heart to hearts in the studio at midnight became a regular part of Namjoon's life. Even when they had nothing to work on at times they’d just sit and talk. It was easy, because there was very little that Jihyun didn’t understand. She was brilliant and Namjoon was sure she could have been a scientist or something if she didn’t love music so much.
And that was another thing. Though their tastes in music were polar opposites, constantly introducing each other to new and seemingly exotic sounds lent itself to the creation of some interesting tracks. And based on the reaction to their last joint project, no one was mad about it.
“That’s great. But I think last sound bite can be syncopated like this.” Instead if making a sound he wiggles his left hand in front of his chest like a fish then drops it quickly.
Two out of three producers look at him like he is walking around with his bonsai on top of his head. He meets Jihyun eyes and she nods.
“Oh, I get what you mean,” she says, then quickly turned back to her station.
“What?” asks another of the producers, still confused.
Namjoon laughs and waves him off. “It’s ok. Jihyun-noona understands.”
*****
Namjoon stops dead in his tracks when he enters the studio and finds Jihyun crying. He hadn't knocked because he hadn’t expected anyone to be in here. Their session was not supposed to be until 2:00 pm and it was now noon. He had been hoping to get some prep work in before they met later.
“Noona, what's wrong?” He is across the room and embracing her before he has time to think about it. She tenses at first, and he realizes how forward he's being. In Korea men and women who aren’t involved won’t casually be this physical with each other.
He is just about to pull back and apologize when she buried her face into his neck and sobs. It takes some time but eventually he gets the full story.
Ever since her operation she has been finding it hard to find work. It didn’t matter that she could still hear plain as day and therefore do her job. She shouldn’t have been surprised. She was a transwoman in male dominated industry in a homophobic country. Once Song Minho became Song Jihyun, her blooming career had wilted overnight.
Maybe she should have waited until she had built up her reputation a little more before going under the knife, but she couldn’t wait any longer. Each day she continued to pretend, to act like someone she was not, her soul died a little more. As soon as she had saved up enough she had got it done.
Bang PD was the first one of her contractors to rehire her when she had informed him that she was feeling well enough to work. He had even sent her a congratulatory gift.
But work was still slow in coming and she was only employed to Big Hit part time. It was a little easier after BE was released. The album was critically acclaimed, and it was a major notch in the belt of whomever worked on it. A few of her older client’s had contacted her after the release, though the majority of them were still wary.
Today was her first interview in a long time. She had dressed up in a smart pants suit and even went extra on the make up. She had known it was a waste the moment she had walked into the restaurant and introduced herself. She would never forget the look of distaste on their faces, or how they spent the entirety of the meeting staring at her chest.
Needless to say it was a disaster, and now she was ugly crying into Namjoon's shirt. She usually wasn’t the type to cry but it was just too much for too long.
Maybe it would be better once she saved up enough for her top surgery.
She hadn’t realized she'd said that out loud until Namjoon shook her. She was so surprised that her crying came to a hiccupping halt.
“Listen to me,” he said, looking more serious that she'd ever seen him. “Surgery or not, you are one of the most intelligent, talented and beautiful women I have ever met. Those ignorant fools are not worthy of your talent nor your time.”
His expression gentled and hesitantly, he began to wipe the tears from her cheeks.
“It wouldn’t matter what you had said or done because pigs cannot appreciate a pearl necklace and you are a gem. Do you understand?”
His words were so firm, so sure, it was clear that he believed everything he said. She felt her insides begin to warm. Sniffing, she nodded mutely.
Namjoon could see that she didn’t completely believe him. It wouldn’t be that easy, not after all she been through. But that was ok. She was all he’d told her and more. Namjoon would make her understand.
*****
The box felt like it was staring at him. He half expected to see a pair of eyes looking back at him when he glanced at it sitting on the floor beside his bag. He tried not to stare at it too often. He didn’t want Jihyun to realize it was important.
And it was important. His members had interrogated him about it when he brought it home. Yoongi and Seokjin specifically had pulled him aside to impress on him the importance of the its contents.
You have to be sure, Namjoon-ah, Yoongi had said. This is not a game. And there are no do overs.
Don’t do this unless you’re sure, no turning back half way. Seokjin was never so grave.
No turning back half way, he reminded himself. The conversation was winding down, the actual work had ended twenty minutes ago and now it was time to leave.
“What’s in that box? You keep looking at it like it’s a bomb.” Jihyun looked at him curiously, though he knew she wouldn’t push if he didn’t want to answer.
Namjoon steeled himself, taking a deep breath.
“It’s for you actually.” He watches as her confusion and curiosity increase in equal measure when he hands it to her. “Open it.”
She does, slowly, and gasps when she sees the elegant pair of black Jimmy Choo heels. He knows they’d go perfectly with the evening dress she’d once drunkenly admitted to buying but was too terrified to wear.
“Do you like them?” he asks nervously. Was his voice always this husky?
“I love them,” she lifts one from the box reverently. “I can wait to get a chance to wear them.”
Namjoon swallows. No turning back.
“You can wear them on Friday, when you go to dinner with me.” Wait, that sounded too arrogant. “I – If you want to, that is?”
There is a pause, a long one. And then her eyes widen with understanding.
“Oh.”