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“Droushie, why are you getting married?” Since his mother’s death, Gregor often went days without speaking. They’d explained that Drou would be moving from the nursery suite into Kou’s suite two floors below, but that she’d still be with Gregor during the day. Was he worried about the marriage?
“I’m marrying Kou because we love each other. We want to build our future together.” Drou wondered if that was over Gregor’s head. “Kou and I want to build a home, have children, have each other to talk with every day.”
Gregor said, softly, “Like Uncle Aral and Aunt Cordelia?”
“Yes, like your uncle and aunt are building a future for themselves and Miles. Kou and I want to have a family and build a future for ourselves.”
“But you’ll still live at the Residence with Kou? And you’ll be with me during the day while Kou is helping Uncle Aral?” Gregor asked.
“Yes. Most married couples move into their own homes, but the Lord Regent suggest we live in Kou’s apartment here for a few years. We’ll save and buy a house when we decide to have babies.” Drou reached out to steady Gregor, but drew back as he turned successfully. He was improving at these balance beam routines.
“Will you leave me when you have a baby?” Gregor asked.
“Yes, Gregor, I’ll need to spend most of my time with the baby. But you’ll be in school all day then and Miles will be old enough to play with you after school.” Gregor looked rather downcast, so Drou added, “You could invite us to tea every week. And perhaps your Aunt Cordelia would hold the baby while you show me what you’ve learned in self-defense drill.”
Gregor looked shyly pleased at this idea. “If you come to tea, Droushie, I’ll ask for cream cakes. And maybe you’ll let me hold the baby, like I hold Miles sometimes.”
Drou smiled gently. “Yes, Gregor, when I have a baby, you can hold her. That’s part of building a future, having more people to love. My babies will be very lucky to have you.”
“Droushie, do I have to wait until you have a baby to invite you to tea with cream cakes? Can’t I do that today?”
Drou laughed. “You can’t invite me, because I’m already here. But you could invite someone else.”
Gregor puzzled over this for a minute, then piped up, “Let’s invite Kou for tea with cream cakes!”
***
Gregor held baby Delia carefully, smiling as her small hand closed around his finger. “She’s strong, Drou. And noisy.”
Drou laughed. “Delia doesn’t like being wrapped up so she can’t move. She’s quiet while we’re outdoors, but as soon as we get into a warm house, she wants out.”
“That makes sense. It’s hard to be still when you want to stretch out.” Gregor watched the baby silently a moment, then looked up at Drou. “Drou, she’s so small. Aren’t you afraid of dropping her? Or afraid that I’ll drop her? She could … get hurt.” When Gregor asked questions like that, it was hard to remember he was barely ten. Kareen’s little boy was growing up faster than a child should. He’d lost so many people, so young, and was so afraid of losing someone else.
“Yes, Gregor, sometimes I am afraid.” Drou hesitated, then said softly, “I’m afraid I’ll do something wrong. Afraid she’ll be hurt. Afraid she’ll get sick. But I want Delia to grow up happy, and healthy, and strong, so I can’t keep her safe at home all the time. Today, I have to unwrap her blankets and let her stretch. In a few years, she’ll want to run and climb. Eventually, she’ll go to school without me to take care of her. I don’t want her to be afraid, so I have to unwrap her, take her outside, let other people hold her, even when I’d like to keep her bundled in my arms where I know she’s safe.”
Drou paused, thinking of Cordelia’s concern that Gregor was so wary of going outside since the latest assassination attempt on Aral, then added, “Your Aunt Cordelia wants you and Miles to grow up happy, and healthy, and strong, too. But you can’t grow and learn if you always stay where you’re perfectly safe.”
“So she lets Miles walk and run everywhere, even when falling breaks his bones? She doesn’t let ImpSec make me wear floaters to swim in the lake? And she asked Count Vorkosigan about jumping lessons for me when she hates horses?” Gregor asked.
“That’s right. Your Aunt Cordelia lets you boys take risks so you can grow strong and confident.” Drou could see Gregor was still thinking, so she waited.
After a long pause, watching as Delia wriggled in his arms, Gregor continued, “Is that why she’s started inviting other boys to play with me, too? Because I’ve always played with Miles, and Elena, and Ivan, but I won’t be able to when I go to preparatory school? She wants me to know other boys, so I won’t be afraid of going to school with them?”
Drou nodded, “Yes, Gregor. She’s thinking about your future. Miles, Elena, and Ivan will always be your family and your first friends. But learning to make new friends is important now and for your future.”
“Being Emperor is my future.” Drou could barely hear Gregor’s murmur.
“Being Emperor is your future,” Drou agreed. “But it’s not all of your future. You’ll have to build friendships and family for yourself. And you can’t do that if you always stay inside where it’s safe.” Drou glanced up, hearing a clatter in the hall.
Gregor heard, too. “That’s Miles. Here, Drou, take the baby. Miles won’t be careful if I have her.” Drou took Delia hastily as Miles scrambled through the door. Cordelia said Gregor needed to take more risks, but Drou was glad he didn’t want to risk her baby with Miles.
***
“Drou, she’s beautiful. And, thank you for naming her for my mother.” Gregor held three-month-old Kareen, laughing softly as she blinked drowsily at him. He looked across the garden, to where Miles was leading three little girls in a game that seemed to involve a great deal of marching and saluting. “They’re all beautiful.”
“Thank you, Gregor. I’ve thought about naming one of the girls for your mother before, but I couldn’t imagine calling someone else Kareen. But Kou and I decided four girls was enough, so this baby was my last chance.” Drou watched Gregor with her baby daughter, pleased to see him happy. Gregor was much too solemn for a teenager, but he smiled and laughed with her little girls. She hoped he’d marry young because he’d enjoy having a few babies of his own.
“Are you looking forward to your birthday ball? Lady Alys has been telling me about the young ladies she’s invited to dance with you.” Seeing Gregor’s face go blank, Drou regretted her light comment.
“I’m not fond of large parties, Drou. It’s hard to talk with so many people that I don’t know well. And I have to speak with everyone since they’re my guests,” Gregor said softly. After a moment he added, “Aunt Alys isn’t inviting those girls to dance with me. She’s inviting them to audition for Empress. She wants me to marry someone suitable as soon as I finish the Academy.”
“Don’t you want to marry, Gregor?” Drou asked. “To fall in love, marry, have children, build a future with someone you love?”
Gregor sat silent for several moments. Baby Kareen was asleep now and Gregor gently traced one finger through her wisps of blonde hair, before saying, without looking up, “Loving someone is dangerous. Marrying me would make her a target. And children, children are so defenseless. I know I need an heir, but how can I marry and bring someone I care for into danger?”
Drou’s heart sank. Gregor was solemn and composed and older than his years most of the time, but he sounded near tears now. She suddenly suspected that marriage and children seemed an impossible dream to him. “Gregor, love is dangerous for everyone. You fall in love, wanting to be with someone, but afraid they won’t love you in return. You marry someone you love, then find that marriage is hard sometimes. When you disagree and can barely speak to each other, you’re afraid your love won’t save your marriage. Your spouse is rushed to the hospital after a bomb explodes and fear almost chokes you.” Drou remembered that incident. Kou hadn’t been the target, but the exploding fragment that hit his abdomen hadn’t cared. “Your spouse survives, but pushes you away during the long convalescence, not wanting to tie you to a cripple. Your chidren fall, catch viruses, get lost, and you see so many dangers around them. Love is dangerous. But if you don’t risk loving someone, your future will be very lonely.”
“Love may be dangerous for everyone, Drou, but most people don’t need constant security. Most people don’t fear assassination and kidnapping and bombs. If I marry, my wife will live with daily reminders of those dangers. Sometimes it’s almost more than I can bear myself. I know how to be alone; I’m almost always alone. But I don’t know how to risk loving and losing someone. If I ever love a woman, it would be safer for her to push her away and let her find happiness with someone safer.” One of Gregor’s hands was holding the sleeping baby securely, but the other was picking at a loose thread in her blanket.
“Gregor, don’t let your fear ruin someone else’s life. ” Gregor looked up, startled at Drou’s fierceness. “If you push away the people you love, you’re pushing them away from the dangers of your life. But you’re also pushing them away from the joy of loving you. And if you push away a woman you love and who loves you, you may be pushing her toward someone else, someone who won’t love her as you do and won’t care for her as you would. Don’t do that to the woman you love.”
“You mean, I might push a woman away from the danger of my life and into other dangers?” Gregor asked.
“Yes. When you’re rejected by someone you love, it’s easy to make bad decisions. If the woman you love, loves you, you could push her away and toward someone who’ll won’t even care if she’s unhappy. When you love someone, you want that person to be happy. By pushing her away to keep her safe, you’ll make her miserable.” Drou hesitated, then continued. “And, Gregor, it’s a bit insulting for you to make the decision about whether to risk love and marriage without asking the woman you love.”
“But, Drou, how could a woman who hasn’t lived this life make the decision? How could she understand just what she’s risking? Don’t I owe it to any woman I love to protect her?” Gregor protested.
“Protect her, yes, but not treat her as a child. You need to explain the danger. You need to share your fear. You need to help her understand what loving you and marrying you means for her life. And then you need to let her decide whether to take the risk, for herself and her children. Gregor, you can’t build a future with a woman you don’t respect. So, you’ll need to talk to her.” Drou’s mouth quirked up in a wry smile. “You can think of it as good preparation for marriage. A happy marriage requires quite a bit of talking and respect.”
“I don’t know if I can do that, Drou. Talking to people, especially talking to people about how I feel, is hard.”
“You can talk to people you trust. You’re talking to me about your feelings now. You don’t have to marry now, Gregor. I know Lady Alys is already looking for your bride. I’d love to see you happily married, too. But you shouldn’t marry until you’re ready. Enjoy the balls Lady Alys plans. Dance and talk with the girls she introduces to you. Take your time. When you meet someone you want to know better, you’ll find you can talk. And when you find someone you can talk to about anything, tell her your fears and let her decide if she’s ready to risk building a future with you.” Drou’s voice was gentle, but firm.
“All right, Drou. I’ll try.” Gregor still sounded a bit shaky, but Drou was satisfied. Gregor was still afraid, but at least he wasn’t totally rejecting the possibility of love, marriage, and children.
They both looked up as the girls ran shrieking across the garden, followed by Miles. Gregor watched as Drou held out her arms to hug them to her.
***
Drou set her teacup down and said, “Gregor? You didn’t really ask me to visit so you could talk about the girls.”
“I did want to hear about Kareen’s experiences on Beta Colony,” Gregor said uncomfortably.
“Yes, I realize you’re fond of the girls. I’ll tell Kareen you asked about her. But she’s not the reason you asked me to tea,” Drou said.
“You met Laisa Toscane at the Residence a few weeks ago, didn’t you? She came with Miles, Delia, and Duv Galeni,” Gregor began.
“Laisa Toscane? A blonde, with the Komarran trade delegation? As intelligent as she is beautiful?” Drou recalled that Gregor had danced with her several times. Gregor seldom danced with anyone more than once in an evening.
“Yes, that’s Laisa.” Gregor was using her first name? He seldom referred to anyone by first name unless he’d known them for years. Gregor continued, “We’ve met several times. Lady Alys has invited her to lunch at the Residence, too. I … enjoy … her company.”
Drou murmured, “She seemed a nice young lady. I would enjoy seeing her again.”
“Would you,” Gregor hesitated, then began again. “Would you have tea with her here and tell her about my mother?”
“Tell her about your mother?” Drou repeated.
“Yes. I think … I think she needs to know how dangerous being close to me is. I’ve tried to tell her, but I don’t think she really understands. But you knew my mother. You were there when she died. You lived in the Residence and you know what the security is like. Perhaps you can make her understand just how dangerous it would be to, to …” Gregor stuttered to a halt.
“How dangerous it would be to marry you?” Drou prompted.
“Yes. I think Laisa might be the one. But she needs full disclosure. You told me years ago to talk to the woman I love and let her decide whether to risk herself and her children. I’ve tried, but I want to be sure Laisa understands before I ask her … anything.” Gregor’s soft voice dropped as he spoke, until Drou could barely hear the last word.
“I’ll be glad to talk with Laisa for you. When?” Drou asked. Gregor had to love this woman to say so much. Drou hoped she loved him, too.
***
The comconsole chime woke Drou. She pulled her robe about her and hurried to answer it. A call this late had to be an emergency. Was one of the girls hurt? They were all home, but Kareen. Had something happened to Kareen on Beta?
“Gregor? Gregor, what’s wrong?” Gregor looked terrible, hunched over his comconsole in a dark room, but surely he wouldn’t be calling her about Kareen. Whatever could have happened?
“Droushie, I’m can’t. I can’t marry Laisa. I can’t.” Gregor hadn’t called her Droushie since he’d started started school. “They stabbed her, shot her, set her hair on fire, planted bombs in her dressing room. I can’t marry her. It’s too dangerous for her.”
“Gregor, you’re having nightmares,” Drou said firmly. “Laisa is fine. You need to get up, turn the lights on, drink a glass of water. Do that now. I’m coming to see you, so you must get up and tell ImpSec I’m coming.”
Gregor didn’t respond. “Gregor, get up now. Call ImpSec and tell them I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”
“Call ImpSec. Yes, Drou. I’ll call ImpSec.” Gregor was still white and shaking, but he was more alert now.
Drou said, “Fifteen minutes, Gregor. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. Disconnect and call ImpSec, then drink a glass of water while you wait for me.” She needed to hurry. He’d had nightmares like this as a child. Someone needed to sit with him, talk him back to sleep, or he’d wake up panicked night after night.
“Drou, was that the Emperor? What’s wrong?” Kou said behind her.
Drou answered while searching for Laisa Toscane’s comsonsole number, “Gregor’s having nightmares of Laisa being killed. He wants to call off the wedding.” Laisa Toscane answered the comconsole in mid-chime and Drou spoke without waiting for her greeting, “Laisa. It’s Drou Koudelka. Gregor just called me. He needs you, now, at the Residence. Can you be ready in ten minutes?”
“Gregor needs me? Of course. Should I call him and say I’m coming?” Laisa didn’t hesitate.
“No, just dress quickly. I’ll pick you up in front of your apartment in ten minutes,” Drou said. Hearing her, Kou turned to pull a dress from her closet, then retrieved her shoes.
“Ten minutes at the front door. I’ll be ready,” Laisa said, then cut the com.
Ten minutes later, Kou pulled up in front of Laisa’s apartment. Drou opened the groundcar door, as Laisa hurried out, followed by two protesting ImpSec guards. Laisa ignored them, slid into the car, and asked, “What did Gregor say?” as the guards scrambled in behind her.
“He’s having nightmares of your death. He’s panicked. He wants to call off the wedding to protect you.” Laisa’s sharply indrawn breath told Drou she understood. Drou continued, “I’m going to him, but I think he needs you more.”
The two women sat silent as Kou pulled up to the gates of the Residence. The ImpSec guards, seeing the Commodore, his wife, and the Emperor’s betrothed, waved them through. One of Gregor’s armsmen met them as they stopped in front of the entrance. The two women scrambled out. They barely paused at the ImpSec guard’s challenge, before moving past the armsman towards Gregor’s private apartment. Another armsman stood at the door, swinging it open as they approached. Drou stopped in Gregor’s sitting room. “Go on, Laisa. Find Gregor. Talk with him. I’ll wait for you here.”
“Thank you, Madame Koudelka,” Laisa said and started down the short hall. Drou sat, folded her hands, and composed herself to wait. Laisa would talk with Gregor. She’d reassure him. She had to, because if Gregor couldn’t talk with her now, they’d never be able to build the deep loving relationship that Gregor needed so much.
Hours later, Drou woke from an uneasy doze as Laisa said her name. “Drou, I’m sorry, but Gregor wants to talk with you a few minutes.”
“Is he okay now?” Drou asked, standing quickly.
“Yes. He’s still worried, but he’s not talking about calling off the wedding now. But he does want to talk with you,” Laisa said. She looked exhausted, but she was also smiling warmly.
Drou stepped into Gregor’s bedroom. He was sitting in an armchair near the window. He looked exhausted, too, but the wild fear had been replaced by calm. Drou took the hand he extended and sank onto the stool beside him. “Drou, thank you for bringing Laisa. I didn’t realize I needed her until she was here.”
“Are you feeling better now? Less afraid?” Drou asked.
“Not less afraid, but more able to cope. Telling Laisa helped.” Gregor hesitated, then said, “She’s afraid, too, but she loves me enough to marry me anyway. She said we’ll just have to deal with the fear together. And that when we’re married, we’ll have each other when our fears turn into nightmares.”
“She’s very wise,” Drou said. “Having Kou to share my fears and my joys made my life so much better. It’s easier to face life when you have a partner beside you.”
“I’m beginning to understand that, Drou. And I’m beginning to understand what you mean when you talk about building a future together. Laisa and I talked about our future tonight, about what we both want, and that helped, too. Thank you,” Gregor said softly.
“I’m glad for you, Gregor.” Drou looked at him for a moment, then stood, saying, “I’ll send Laisa back in for a goodnight kiss, shall I? Then I’ll tell your armsman to let you sleep in, find Kou, and take Laisa home.”
She started towards the door, then turned, stepped back to his side, and dropped a soft kiss on his rumpled hair. “I’m glad you’ve decided to build a future with Laisa. Sleep well, Gregor.”