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She woke up alone in her bed, once again. The night before sure was fun, but it wasn't like those nights that she spent with him. Tracing up and down his tattoos, finding small little scars all over his torso and memorizing them one by one.
She had done this. He is not here because she did not trust him. After he saved her life over and over again and in the first opportunity to doubt him, she did. This world is changing her for the worse, a little bit more each day.
She looks out the window still lying in bed and wonders where he is. What is he doing? Did he move on? He deserved that, he deserved to be happy. He deserves trust and love, two things that she could have given him, but didn't.
She gets up and slides on her favorite robe. It's so soft and expensive and it has nothing to do with the flannel shirts she used to wear when she was only his sidekick. A time where she slept in a cage, to which he had the key to. Days where the ghost of her not-dead boyfriend hanged over her and she felt like everything had been taken away. Her dreams of a white sand beach in Spain with a pretty blond by her side are now long gone. Güero had promised a life to her that he couldn't provide, at the end. Was it too naive to expect happiness in whatever form while leading a drug cartel?
She heads to the shower, remembering that one morning they had together back at his house in Phoenix. Usually, she does not let herself think of him or miss him, burying herself into work, deals, moving product from A to B, looking for more and more legit fronts so maybe one day she can have a normal life. She is reaching the top and it's every day a little colder up there.
She remembers how handsy he was, how her name sounded like a prayer coming out of his lips in a whisper. Those dark eyes, full of emotions and secrets that he never really got to share.
It hurts so much. Not like when Güero really died, or like the first time that she thought he did, no. This pain lingers, it burns deep inside her chest and she cannot help but remember how this pain was not there when they were together in this.
“We are in this together.”
The pain gets worse as she remembers all the silent promises she didn't keep. On how she lied to him, believing he was betraying her and all he did was give her support and love. They did not say that to each other, in this business, once you start loving someone you have a weakness, and something bad is bound to happen. The only thing she didn't know was that she was the bad thing happening to him.
On this windy morning in New Orleans, she lets herself think of him like it wouldn't hurt later. She lets herself remember how amazing he was with his hands and how gentle he had been when holding her face, like she was the most precious thing in the whole world, like nobody was more important to him than her. Remembering these details is what stops her from moving on. How could she? Nobody ever treated her like he did, never took care of her like that.
The shower is not as nurturing as she thought it would be. She dresses in sweatpants and reaches for a t-shirt long hidden inside her closet. Just a plain white t-shirt he left behind in her room. His scent is long gone by now, but the memory of how that piece had ended up on the floor of her bedroom didn't. Today is a day to miss him.
She had given Pote and Kelly Anne a paid vacation so, aside from her always present guards, she was alone. Maybe this is what brings so many memories. She does not want to be alone anymore, and this is probably why she started sleeping with her piano teacher. Eddie was fine. He was pretty and caring but she could not be honest with him, not if she wanted him to live. If being with someone from inside the business was dangerous, it was much worse to be with someone from outside of it. That's why she didn't let him sleep in her bed last night, she tells herself. Not because she doesn't want to sleep with anyone else if it's not him.
She realizes as she gathers her breakfast that she doesn't even think of his name. That one day when she heard Pote tell Kelly Anne "I think she will never get over James" had hurt so much. She knew it was true and the sound of his name had been like a knife being twisted in her gut, bringing her another night of no sleep and much crying.
How would things be right now if she hadn't screwed up so bad? He would certainly be here with her. Being the solid rock that he was.
She finished eating, wiping off a tear she didn't feel was falling. There was nothing to do today aside from some calls to check if everything was running smoothly. That's the bad part about rising up in any business: when you start having enough people to make the hard part for you and there is time left for you and your thoughts alone.
Her phone buzzes.
Last night was unforgettable. I hope you aren't bored of me yet. ;)
Eddie, of course. Was she bored of him? No, she decided. He was fun and light, made her feel normal most of the time.
Was this the best she would ever get?
She decides not to answer right away. It's an early Saturday morning, he will think she is still asleep. She grabs a cup of coffee and heads off to the terrace above most of the city, hoping that the view from up there would make her forget of the view from the balcony where things ended.
“We need a break…”
She had hoped they would work things out, that he could forgive her. But she had hurt him so bad he did not even give her a chance to fix it, and he left. And now, even with the network and money that she has, she could not reach him. She wanted to tell him they were all ok, that everything was working as it was supposed to. She suspects that he did not want to be found.
She suspects that one day, this giant hole in her heart won’t feel so giant anymore. And she hopes that, wherever he is, he remembers her with the same love that she feels.