Chapter Text
“You shall henceforth be known as Darth Vader.”
Screaming filled his ears, terrified cries almost deafening him. The Light was going out across the galaxy, attempting to pull him in. He was suffocating. The ash in his lungs was unforgiving, racketing his fear and anger to unholy levels.
“You’re going down a path I can’t follow.”
“Don’t make me kill you.”
“You are lost!”
“I HATE YOU!”
“You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you.”
The Light was slipping from his fingers, hands scrambling to take hold of it. The Darkness was pulling it away, an unforgiving blackhole taking root in his chest. No, no! He cried, his lone hand twitching in the dust as he tried to climb the hill. Don’t leave me! Help me, please!
The clouded figure at the top turned away, unsteady footsteps leading it away . He cried, tears slipping down the charred skin on his face. He blinks open his eyes when he feels a new presence in front of him, Dark like nothing he’s ever felt before.
“Padmé... Where is she? Is she alright?” He finds himself asking, suddenly remembering the Dark figure’s promise. He could save her, he could help him protect her.
“It seems in your anger... You killed her.” No. His heart sinks in his chest. She can’t be gone. She can’t! She has to be alive. He loves her, all he’s ever wanted was to protect her and their child. She can’t... He didn’t.... She was alive! He couldn’t have killed her... “Anakin!”
“Anakin!” He thrashed awake, throwing himself out of the tiny bed he was in and landing on the floor. The flimsy blanket tangled around his legs and stuck to his stomach with sweat, only succeeding in increasing his overstimulation and not in bringing him comfort. Anakin’s chest heaved with his frantic breaths, blood rushing through his ears as he could vaguely hear Obi-Wan trying to coach him through a breathing exercise. It wouldn’t work, it never did. Try as he might, his brother struggled to get through to him during these episodes. All he could do was ramble soothingly until Anakin came back to himself and finally had enough focus to answer him.
He closed his eyes, reaching towards the Light within and around him in an attempt to shake off the Dark. It clung to him like sludge, a nasty thick oil wrapping around his soul as the vision left him. It was nights like these that almost made him want to swear off the Force forever; simply stop using it and let his powers fade away. But then, as always, he found Luke and Leia’s bright Lights tethered to his own by growing bonds and knew he could never do that. He took one last deep breath before opening his eyes, barely aware of the tears sliding down his cheeks.
“Are you with me, Ani?” Obi-Wan’s voice was calm and strong, not betraying the same worry and anxiety that his grey-blue eyes did. “Padmé’ll be here soon.”
He barely had the chance to say it before his wife was gliding through the door with a twin in each arm, cradling their tiny bodies against her chest. Anakin sighed, reaching out to them with the Force and his hands. Padmé gently set Luke in his hands and sat down next to him with Leia. He let their calm sleepy aura settle around him and thought to himself this is why I can’t forsake the Force. I need it to protect them. Obi-Wan settled on his other side, sending warmthsafetyloveprotection along their never-severed training bond.
Anakin leaned into his family, only feeling slightly guilty for using his children to calm himself down. He was pretty sure it was supposed to be the other way around but sometimes the only thing that truly relaxed him after his visions was seeing all of them safe and alive. In a few minutes, when he was settled enough to let go of the babies, he’d carry them back to their cribs and peek in on each of his older kids, making sure they were all sleeping soundly and safe.
“What was it this time?” Obi-Wan asked gently, smoothing a battle worn hand over Luke’s tiny blonde hairs as he fussed in Anakin’s arms.
“Darth Vader. Again.” Anakin shut his eyes tightly, letting his vision turn to static and shaking the images of the vision away. They’d be back but the brief reprieve was worth it. “Fighting you. Killing Padmé.”
“You’re not him, Ani. You didn’t kill me, you never would.” Padmé said, pressing closer to him. She placed gentle kisses along his cheek in comfort and he felt the Darkness slip away from his chest. He breathed deeply, in out , and let his fear dissipate into the Force. Obi-Wan’s presence brushed softly against his, carrying with it love and amusement.
“Funny how you only started following my teachings when the Order is no more,” he jested, referring to Anakin’s now frequent meditations and his willingness to finally let his emotions go into the Force; two lessons he’d always struggled with greatly.
“Yeah, yeah, let it go old man,” Anakin replied, knocking his shoulder against Obi-Wan’s and gathering his legs underneath himself to finally get up. He nestled Luke into his chest and carefully took Leia from Padmé, lulled enough by their presence to put them back to bed. His wife and brother let him pad down the hallway by himself to the nursery in their current hideaway, a small abandoned Jedi fort. The children’s rooms were near the back of the dwelling, giving them the most protection and easy access to the back entrance if they needed to slip away.
He gently set the twins down in their bassinets, brushing soft fingers across their chubby cheeks and smiling as they blinked up at him with wide eyes before yawning and falling back asleep. “I love you so much,” he told them both. “I promise I’ll always protect you.” He ran his hands across the jappor snippets attached to their cribs, tracing the symbols of protection that he could draw with his eyes closed due to how often he’d done this.
The next destination of the night was the older children’s room, all eight of them smushed into the repurposed storage room. It was a good thing they were still so small, although he felt bad about their lack of sleeping space. Luke and Leia really only got a separate room because they didn’t want the babies disturbing the older kids and vice versa, trying to keep everyone on as healthy of a sleep schedule as they could manage. The adults slept in a room together, doing their best to mitigate each other’s nightmares and get as restful sleep they could.
The door quietly swooshed open to reveal the usual cuddle piles; Kuna and Castaan curled around Mire, Willem, and Cian while Jado, Doma, and Hela preferred to stay on their own sleeping mats. Hela’s bright blue eyes crusted open and Anakin made a shushing motion, telling her to go back to sleep. She did so easily, sending him a pulse of calmhappyrested . His chest ached at the sight of her tiny montrals and lekku, wondering where the missing pieces of his family were.
It had been almost eight months and he’d not seen nor heard anything from Ahsoka. Their severed training bond was like a missing tooth, he brushed over its empty gap every chance he could as if to wish it back into place. In those first few months he refused to even think she could be dead, even knowing she would’ve been alone on a cruiser full of clones operating under Order 66 and her chances of making it out alive dismally low. She was cunning and creative, having survived through the war even when she wasn’t by his side. Force, she’d already escaped from people trying to kill her once, Anakin had faith she could do it again. He could only hope that wherever she was, she wasn’t alone, that she had someone looking out for her.
Their group had been on the lookout for her and any other surviving Jedi, keeping in touch with Bail Organa and his Rebellion efforts. There’d been whispers of surviving padawans, their masters most likely having sacrificed themselves so the younglings could escape. But, so far they’d found nothing, only doing their best to stay under the Empire’s radar which was about to become a lot more difficult. Anakin didn’t know who Sidious got to replace his apprentice, not since Anakin ruined the man’s plans of turning him to the Dark, but he knew they were in charge of the Inquisitorious program and it was nearing its completion. Hiding would no doubt get harder after that, having to avoid both Stormtroopers and Palpatine’s darksiders.
He tried not to think about it, knowing it would only make the nightmares worse, if he even managed to fall back asleep tonight. The ache in his mind had lessened over the last several months but the gaping wound of a broken Force bond did it’s best to take him out, plaguing him with visions of what-never-was and what-could-still-be. Anakin hadn’t even known it was there until it had broken, having been unintentionally severed when he’d come back to the Light within the Temple. Obi-Wan postulated that Sidious had planted it when he was a child, fostering the fear and anger in him since the age of nine, a Dark voice whispering inside his mind and cultivating his Fall.
They’d been meditating every free moment since, Obi-Wan attempting to smooth over the jagged edges and purge the Dark from his mind. But it was fighting back, draining Anakin’s energy and depleting any happiness he felt. At the moment his family was the one thing keeping him running, knowing the kids depended on him and that Obi-Wan and Padmé were doing their best to support him. Anakin wasn’t sure he deserved their kindness, not when he’d been on the verge of destroying everything, destroying them .
They had their own nightmares to deal with, Padmé agonizing over the Empire and the state of the Rebellion and Obi-Wan attempting to parse through the Jedi Order’s wrongdoings, hoping to recreate it better than before. They didn’t have time to constantly hold Anakin’s hand, not when the nightmares were his own fault. On really bad nights he contemplated leaving them behind to face Sidious on his own, frustrated that his status as the Chosen One had done little to help them and worn out from being on the run. He didn’t know how he’d survive any more years of this, he wasn’t cut out for undercover rebellion work, he was pretty sure the only thing he’d ever been good at was being violent, taking down droids and Separatist generals.
Safewarmthlovepeace flowed over him, disrupting his dark thoughts and centering him back in the presence. He smiled softly, knowing it came from the sleeping younglings and finally noticing Padmé’s small body leaning against his back, her curls mingling with his own and tickling his neck. She was just barely tall enough to peek over his shoulder, pressing a kiss to his cheek.
“They’ll be alright, Ani. Come back to bed,” she whispered, taking his worn hands in her soft ones and pulling him back down the hall. He followed without protest, settling next to her on their small cot and peering at Obi-Wan across the way. He was hunched over a datapad, blue light highlighting the ever-increasing gray strands in his hair, glancing briefly at Anakin with a warm smile. “We love you. All of us.” She said as she snuggled up behind him, her arms wrapping around his torso and one hand delicately cupping his cheek. He could feel the Light wrapping around his soul, Obi-Wan’s presence front and center followed by the smaller Lights of the younglings, a deep contented chuckle and childish giggles wisping past his mind. As much as his mind fought against the very idea of their unconditional love, something he’d been missing since he’d left his mother behind, he couldn’t do anything but believe her.
“It will be enough,” he murmured to himself, remembering that horrible-fantastic-heartbreaking-hopeful night all those months ago. He loved them and they loved him in return, beacons of hope shining through the Dark. It will be enough , the Force echoed back to him, carrying with it the sound of twin sabers and shushing him back to sleep.