Chapter Text
Roxanne snaps into awakening, consciousness returning suddenly as the bag is removed from her head. The reporter shakes her head and squints her eyes against the light as she takes stock of her situation. Her arms are tied to the chair she always finds herself sitting in during her kidnapping. Trying to rid the unpleasant odor of The Bag from her nose, Roxanne blows her bangs from her face with a huff and looks around.
She is, unsurprisingly, in some sort of abandoned warehouse, likely in the industrial district by the lakeside if she had to hazard a guess. At this point in her kidnapping career, Roxanne Ritchie is unfazed by anything. After the first dozen kidnappings by the blue-skinned, big-headed, leather-wearing, heavy metal-junkie alien genius, she’s seen it all. At least the chair and bindings aren’t too uncomfortable. And getting to see the alien’s wonderfully sweet henchfish Minion is always a plus.
The henchfish in question is standing by Roxanne’s side, watching their companion ready the camerabots. After bustling over the console for a moment more, the blue alien turns toward Roxanne with dramatic flair.
“Ah, Miss Ritchi! We meet again!”
“Megamind.” Roxanne says cooly. Megamind’s green eyes light up with mirth as he meets Roxanne’s level gaze, and a mischievous grin breaks across his face.
Roxanne looks away from her captor and smiles fondly up at Minion. “Hi Minion. It’s good to see you again.”
Minion returns her smile with their own bright, toothy grin. “Good evening Miss Ritchi. It’s always wonderful to see you.”
Minion pats Roxanne gently on her shoulder and checks to make sure the bindings on her wrists aren’t too tight. They let out a soft gasp upon seeing her hands. “Why Miss Ritchi, is that a ring I spy on your left hand?” Minion raises an eyebrow ridge as they peer into Roxanne’s face.
Megamind’s face falls as he brings a fist up to his mouth to cover a cough, “Ahem. Minion, if you don’t mind…” Megamind relaxes his fist and waves his hand in Minion’s direction.
“Oh! Of course!” Minion straightens to attention. “If you’ll excuse me, Miss Ritchi.” With a nod, Minion turns from the captive and makes their way to a second, smaller console near the main one. After a few moments of pressing buttons, flipping switches, and typing commands, the screens on the main console come to life.
The screens light up to reveal the front of City Hall, bathed in the evening sun. Nearby Metro City citizens have come to a halt, pedestrians pausing mid-stride, and drivers leaning out of car windows to get a better view of the chaos unfolding above them. Just above the streets and sidewalks in front of the municipal building, hundreds of Brainbots have gathered en masse. The air is filled with bowging as the glowing cyborgs float, bob, and swirl around one another, weaving an intricate dance above the frozen populace.
A few of the Brainbots break off from the flock and begin projecting a video feed of Megamind onto a nearby building.
Back at the warehouse, just out of view of the cameras, Roxanne is watching the screen from over Megamind’s shoulder. “The bots are pretty good at dancing, I’ll give them that.” she starts, a look of confusion on her face. “But I don’t really see what the point is. Are you offering the city dance lessons?”
Megamind looks back over his shoulder. “Oh ho ho! As if I would bother teaching the people of this city how to dance. These imbeciles wouldn’t know a pavane from a gaillarde!”
“No, my dear Miss Ritchi. This is merely meant to draw out your boyfriend-in-tights.” Megamind returns his gaze to the screens in front of him.
Suddenly a blur of white flashes across the screen, catching Megamind’s attention. A cheer raises up from the city populace as the blur stops to float in the middle of the Brainbot gathering. The man, larger-than-life and striking a heroic pose, winks down at the people below him before staring up at Megamind’s projected image.
“Megamind!” Metro Man points an accusing finger at the villain. “What dastardly evil scheme are you forcing upon these poor helpless people?”
Megamind smirks down at the hero. “Well well, if it isn’t my old enemy, Metro Mahn. Nice of you to join me today.”
“Cut to the chase, Megamind! What have you done?”
“Done? Why, I haven’t done anything, Metro Mahn.” Megamind casually inspects the fingertips of his gloved hand and buffs it on his suit as he continues. “I’ve simply given the people of the city some light entertainment while we awaited your arrival.”
“No, today isn’t about what I will be doing, today is about what you will be doing!” With a final flourish and bow to their partners, the Brainbots end their otherworldly dance. Every bot turns a red-tinted glowing eye to stare unblinkingly at Metro Man.
The hero looks around in nervous anticipation of an attack. All is quiet except for the sound of Metro Man’s breathing, the normally loud and excited Brainbots keeping a silent vigil on the hero.
“I’ve created something for you.” Megamind’s voice cuts through the silence. “Something to test that heroic spirit of yours.”
Metro Man relaxes his stance and folds his arms. “I’m not interested in any of your tests, Megamind.”
“Oh don’t be such a spoiledsport, Metro Mahn. I’ve put a lot of thought into this one! It even has a theme!” Megamind grins gleefully as he raises his arms with a flourish, “The Seven Deadly Sins!” A dissonant organ chord spills forth from the suddenly open maws of the Brainbots surrounding the hero. Metro Man jumps slightly from the unexpected sound.
Megamind claps his hands together at Metro Man’s reaction and launches into an explanation.
“There are seven deadly trials hidden across the city. Each one contains a cluwe that leads to the next, with the final cluwe leading you at last to the most important item on this smorgasbord of Evil…” Megamind pauses for dramatic effect, bobbing on his heels, before excitedly shouting, “Miss Ritchi!” At his shout, the camera shifts suddenly to the reporter. Metro Man reaches out a hand as he gasps Roxanne’s name, a look of pain flitting across his face.
“Your sins are coming home to sleep, Metro Mahn!” “It’s coming home to ‘roost’, Sir.”
“That’s ridiculous, sins are nothing like birds, why would they roost? Nevermind,” Megamind waves a hand in front of his face as if to banish the thought. “The point of my evil plan is to prove once and for all that Metro Mahn is unworthy and undeserving of his place as Metrocity's hero!”
"Soon, Metrocity, you shall see that your beloved hero is nothing more than a fallible and mortal man! Oh how glorious will be his fall from grace!"
Throwing his head back, Megamind lets loose a howl of evil laughter.
Metro Man glares at the projected image of Megamind, tapping his foot against the air impatiently while he waits for the laughter to stop.
Megamind's laugh finally peters out and he takes a breath. "Now Metro Mahn, why don't we start with one of your greatest sins."
Megamind begins pacing in front of the console, hands clasped behind his back.
"We've all seen how much you like to admire yourself: the meh-tic-oo-lous way you keep your outfit spotless, the perfect way you style your perfect hair, the disgusting level of bravado you ooze," Megamind waves one hand in the air as he paces.
"That disturbingly charming smile you wield like a weapon," he finishes with a sneer. Megamind comes to a stop in front of the camera. "Your first sin, of course, is Pride."
Metro Man, far across town by City Hall, scowls at the nearest camera-wielding Brainbot. "If anyone is prideful, it's you, Megamind. The good people of Metro City know that having pride in a job well done is no sin, and just how I like my steak, this job will be well done when I bring you to Justice!"
In the background, Minion scrunches up their face and gives Roxanne a look at the mention of well-done steak. "Miss Ritchi, I know I shouldn't judge anyone on their eating preferences, but how could a man so Good treat a steak so Badly?"
Roxanne rolls her eyes and smirks at Minion. "I didn't know you had opinions on steak. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised since I've heard that one," She motions her head towards Megamind, who is intently reading some screen or dial on the console, "call you Filet Minion
before."
"Oh yes," Minion starts excitedly, "Filet mignon is my favorite but I do enjoy a good bottom round steak from time to-"
"Minion!" Megamind turns suddenly, slamming a hand down to cut off the audio feed. "Save it for Gluttony. And I'll remind you to stop fraternizing with the kidnapee!" Minion flutters their fins in embarrassment. "Sorry, Sir." They lean down to Roxanne and whisper conspiratorially, "Remind me later and I'll give you my marinade recipe." Roxanne smiles warmly up at the chipper fish.
With a huff, the villain turns back to the console. On the largest screen, Metro Man is shown floating, bobbing gently in the air with his arms crossed. Megamind taps a switch on the
console, turning the microphones back on. "Your first cluwe, my porcine-brained buffoon, is this: You must find a particular effigy of yourself and destroy it. The next clue will be within it." Megamind's features become more sinister as he grins and leans in, the angle of the camera distorting his face. "I won't beat around the bush, I can't wait to see how you deal with having to destroy your own imahge!"
"Not much of a clue, is it, Megamind?" Metro Man uncrosses his arms to place them on his hips. "Don't you think you should be a little more specific?"
Megamind frowns. "It's not my fault if your tiny little mind can't figure out the answer. You better think of something quick, time is ticking!"
From behind Megamind, Roxanne shouts, "It's at the Botanical Garden! There's a topiary exhibit and they just added one of you!"
Megamind squawks in surprise and frantically waves his arms in front of the camera as a distraction. "Don't listen to her! She is absolutely not correct!"
Metro Man breaks into a grin, "I get it, ‘beat around the bush.’ Ha! Thanks Roxie!" Roxanne sees Metro Man rocket to the sky just as the camera feed cuts out.
Megamind ends his frantic waving and plops down into his chair with a sigh. He turns the chair toward Roxanne and Minion and levels a stare at the reporter, one hand clutching his temple.
"Why must you always interfere with my plans, Miss Ritchi?"
Roxanne smiles sweetly at the villain across from her, "Oh, but it's so much fun!" she says cheerfully.
"For you perhaps, but I assure you that fun will be the last thing on your mind when your precious Metro Mahn fails to rescue you in time. For you see-"
"Yeah, yeah," Roxanne cuts in, "Metro Man is doomed, Metro City will be yours, you're blazing with Glorious Purpose. I've heard it all before, Megamind."
Megamind, who had been listening to Roxanne's interruption with annoyance suddenly looks confused. "...glorious purpose? I've never said that..."
Minion perks up, "Oh! Miss Ritchi, have you been watching the new Loki show, too?"
Megamind's eyes snap to Roxanne's. He lifts an eyebrow inquisitively as Roxanne begins to blush under the scrutiny.
"A fan of villains, are we Miss Ritchi?" Megamind stands from his chair, folding his arms and pushing his shoulders back to move his cape as he smirks down at his captive.
Roxanne seems to notice as her blush deepens. "What? I think Loki's attractive, so sue me!"
“Which Loki?” Minion asks.
“Yes.” Roxanne huffs, looking away from Megamind in a pout.
Megamind chuckles softly and smiles. The first one to reach his eyes all night, thinks Roxanne.
A Brainbot bowgs nearby, alerting Megamind that Metro Man has reached his destination.
The camera feeds return, allowing Roxanne to see Metro Man standing in front of a large topiary, shaped in his image. "Huh, they even got his stance right," Minion remarks.
"Bravo on finding the first trial Metro Mahn, or really we should say bravo to Miss Ritchi for finding it for you."
A camerabot flits around Metro Man, capturing his annoyed look from every angle. Another set of Brainbots project Megamind's feed onto a decorative waterfall nearby.
Metro Man gestures at the topiary in front of him, no longer mirroring it's pose. "Megamind, are you really going to make me destroy a piece of art for your silly game?"
"Boohoohoo! Does Metro Mahn not want to ruin his own visahge? Also, it isn't silly," Megamind steeples his fingers together under his chin before pointing them at Metro Man. "It's devious."
The hero floats around the topiary, searching for a way to retrieve the hidden clue without destroying the lush and vibrant work of art. He sighs in resignation after finding no answer to his question.
Roxanne, who has been studying the topiary as well, pipes up. "It's in the face!"
Megamind turns to her in confusion and awe, "How do you even know that?"
"If I had as big a stick up my ass about Metro Man as you do, I'd want to punch him in the face, too. Plus, Pride and all. The face seems like the obvious choice. Speaking of..." Megamind turns back to the screen to see that Metro Man has already removed the head from the topiary.
The blue alien looks crestfallen. "...I am so incredibly sad that I missed that…"
"Oh it was wonderful, Sir! Just as satisfying and cathartic to watch as you planned!" Minion clasps their hands together happily as they bob in their dome.
Metro Man reaches into the head and removes an envelope wrapped in a shiny substance. "Huh, that explains why my x-ray vision didn't work." He rips open the envelope and pulls out a piece of paper.
"The address listed on the sheet will take you to a restaurant on the Southside of town.” Megamind explains as Metro Man starts reading the paper. “I do ask that you try to refrain from bursting through the roof. The owners don't deserve to clean up your mess and I feel the need to add that buildings have doors for a reason."
Megamind stops the camera feed as the hero takes to the sky once more. The villain takes a moment to sit back in his chair. Hands steepled beneath his chin, Megamind lets a smirk play across his face. “The night is far from over, old friend...”