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Suga's train leaves in twelve minutes.
Daichi knows this because he's watched Suga pore over his packing list and the train schedule at least four different times in the past few hours alone. They're standing on the platform, anxiously glancing at the list of incoming trains. Suga had convinced his mom to just let him go with Daichi, so he wouldn't cause a scene right before he left. Judging by how Suga is still swiping at his eyes every few minutes, Daichi thinks he had the right idea.
There are many emotional goodbyes around them, and Daichi can't shake the feeling that something important is supposed to happen here. Like he's supposed to say something, make a significant move that tells Suga what Daichi figures he wants to hear. Suga is going off to college, an hour and a half away (three hours by train), and Daichi is here to say goodbye.
He checks his watch. Ten minutes.
Glancing over, Daichi watches Suga bite at the corner of his lip while looking around. As if sensing his stare, Suga glances over and quirks an eyebrow.
"Are you finally freaking out?" he jokes, shoving lightly into his side.
"Starting to wonder if you should be left with no supervision," Daichi responds, flicking a piece of Suga's hair away from his forehead.
"I'll be fine," Suga laughs, "You sound worse than my mom."
"Yeah, because I know more than she does what you're capable of," Daichi retorts. In sync, they glance up at the arrivals board. Eight minutes.
"I think," Suga starts, gathering himself. "I think I might be a little nervous."
Daichi feigns a gasp, prompting a much harsher shove from Suga this time around.
"You'll be fine, Suga," Daichi promises. "I can't think of anyone more capable of making it out there than you."
Suga hums, seems content to end the conversation there, attention caught by an incoming train behind them. The wind pushes his hair all different directions, and Daichi can't help but smile. Over the summer, Suga had let it grow out, claiming he was too lazy to get it cut. Times like these were when one could really tell the difference, watching as Suga scrambles to tame the aftermath.
Deciding it's useless to try and talk with the noise, Daichi takes notes of what's around them. He's always been able to navigate a scene with ease, careful to keep an eye on Suga's luggage as people bump into each other. He glances up at the board when things settle down, noting that the train's arrival time moved up.
"Two more minutes then," Suga mutters, hitching his bag higher up on his shoulder. "Daichi, before I go, let me-"
"I'll help you move your bags up a bit," Daichi cuts in, willing his palms not to sweat. Suga looks puzzled for a second before handing one of his bags off, edging closer to the platform.
Daichi begins, "It might be easier if we move down a car or two, the ones on the end are less-"
There's a hand curling around his wrist. "Daichi," Suga says firmly. "Let me say something. Please?"
"Right," Daichi breathes. "Of course, go ahead."
Suga looks up at him then, smiling softly. "Don't wait around for me."
Daichi stiffens, pausing a beat. "What?"
"Don't wait around, okay? I'm going to go off, and you're going to go to school, and we'll see each other, right?" Suga says. "We've always been friends - good friends, you know, and I don't expect anything more than that."
Pausing again, Daichi blurts, "Are you breaking up with me?"
"What?" Suga laughs.
"I didn't even know we were dating," Daichi continues, joining him.
"Shut up! I'm just trying to say-" Suga is cut off by his train rushing behind him, halting to a stop.
"Suga," Daichi says, laughter dying off. He reaches up to tuck a strand that's flown into his eye. "I got it."
Shoving at him, Suga smiles. "I knew you would." Gathering his things, he goes to wrap his arms around Daichi. "I'll call you as soon as I get there,” he says, stepping through the sliding door.
It had been Asahi, of all people, who had breached the subject of dating Suga to Daichi.
"Is something wrong?" Asahi asked after Daichi doesn't answer right away.
"No, at least I don't think so," Daichi said, glancing to where their friend sat now. "It's just, I don't really think I feel that way about Suga."
Asahi whipped his head over, mouth open but not saying anything right away. "That's fine! Really, I think some of the team just assumed-"
A thought crossed Daichi's mind, replaying every instance between him and Suga. He had gotten used to the casual affection Suga displayed since he was like that with most people he was close to. Suga running his hands through Asahi's hair. Suga running to hug Hinata. Suga leaning onto Daichi whenever it got a little late into practice. "You don't think Suga is expecting me to-?"
"No! I mean, he's never mentioned anything, so I'm sure you're fine." Asahi insisted, looking out ahead of them.
Daichi tilted his head up to the sky. "I mean I think we'd be good, me and Suga," he responded. "I've just never thought about it, never felt like anything was really there you know?"
Asahi nodded, "No I get it, really. You know, sometimes they say you meet the right person at the wrong time. Maybe it's something like that."
Daichi glanced over at Asahi and smiled softly. "Yeah, exactly," he said, eyes sliding closed. "That makes sense."
"That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard," Suga mumbled, head hanging off the side of his bed.
It's a day later and Daichi was sleeping over at Suga's place, and after swapping volleyball ideas and catching up on the latest third-year drama, Daichi had sat up on the edge of Suga's bed next to where Suga was hanging off, and casually mentioned the idea of right person, wrong time.
"What do you mean?" Daichi asked defensively, sitting up a little straighter.
"I mean," Suga sighed, flipping over to lay on his stomach, "If they're really the right person, wouldn't they come at the right time?"
Daichi shifted so his side was leaning against the bed, facing up at Suga. "I guess, but sometimes things get in the way you know?"
"Well sure, but with the right person wouldn't you just, I don't know, get through it?" Suga replied. "Like us and Asahi. Sure if we had met later on in life we could've been friends, but it wouldn't be nearly the same as it is now."
"But what if," Daichi paused "What if you're waiting for something to happen and it doesn't?"
Suga laughed, leaning over closer to Daichi. "Well, I think the right person would be there when it finally does."
Unable to come up with something, Daichi just glared at Suga before climbing up on the bed next to him.
"Has anyone ever told you that you're annoying?" Daichi mumbled, propping himself up with his elbows.
"Not since about an hour ago," Suga beamed, resting his head on Daichi's shoulder. They fell into silence, staring at the wall plastered with pictures Suga had taken over their high school years.
"It's a nice thought though, isn't it?" Suga added after a minute or two. "That it could really be that simple."
"Yeah," Daichi agreed, tilting his head to rest over Suga's, "It is."
Approximately three hours and twenty-four minutes after Daichi watches Suga leave, he gets a selfie showing a bright smile and an empty dorm room behind him. He sends a heart back in response, placing his phone down before going back to his laptop, where class registration options sit open in front of him.
Two minutes later, he gets a call from Suga.
“Are you busy?” Suga asks.
Daichi sighs, “Does it matter?”
He can hear Suga holding back a laugh. “Of course it does.”
“What do you want?”
Suga responds, “I need to unpack, so talk to me.”
Daichi does, lamenting his inability to narrow down his list of classes while Suga gives a detailed image of exactly where he’s placing every object he’s brought to school with him. By the time Daichi hangs up, it’s one in the morning and his face hurts from smiling.
It’s only then, under the dim yellow light of his desk lamp, that he realizes he’s been so concerned with what saying goodbye to Suga should look like that he never stopped to consider what comes after.
In the end, he promised Suga that he would be fine, and so he lets life take over. A month and three weeks after seeing Suga leave on a train, Daichi is full of stories about terrifying professors and getting lost on his way to biology class. Suga is full of anecdotes about makeshift volleyball games and tearful updates on their old teammates - because of the two of them, Suga’s the one unable to let go of his role as senpai.
Two months and six days after that, Daichi watches the sly grin on Suga’s face when he begrudgingly admits that he’s started seeing none other than former Seijoh captain Oikawa Tooru, only to mirror it by the time winter break rolls around, and Daichi lets himself into Suga’s room only to see him on a video call with former Seijoh vice-captain, Iwaizumi Hajime.
Suga simply shrugs. “You thought you were the only ones who knew how to make a group chat?”
Break continues uneventfully, though rather quickly, and Daichi finds himself on a platform again, Suga waving him off with promises to visit.
By the time he does, months later, Daichi already knows that Suga isn’t seeing anyone anymore. Suga doesn’t cry, claims it wasn't anything too serious anyway, but makes him dye his hair a soft pink in the cramped bathroom closest to Daichi’s room, waving him off with a smile and a promise to take care.
Daichi shifts from measuring time by when he’s last seen Suga to what changes about Suga’s appearance. When his hair goes from pink to purple, he’s dating someone from his Literature class. A piercing on his right ear marks the day he asks Daichi to try some new pronouns for them, and Daichi admits that he’s single again. Suga shows him a small tattoo on his hip the same night they tell Daichi that he thinks he wants to be a teacher. The next time they meet, Suga is scanning over pictures of mullets when he lets it slip that it didn’t work out with Lit Guy, as Daichi dubbed him, since he never got around to remembering his name.
“Dating is such a chore,” Suga huffs, their head in Daichi’s lap. “What do you think about this one?”
Daichi tilts, getting a good look at the picture before nodding. “I think it’d look good on you. Maybe you should try blue or something this time. And dating isn't so bad.”
“Oh please, when was the last actual date you’ve been on,” Suga responds, saving the picture to his phone for later.
“Well,” Daichi begins, thinking of the past few months. “I almost went on a date with that one guy.”
“Yeah, and then you freaked out and canceled. Just like with the two other dates before,” Suga reminds him, tossing his phone to the side. His eyes widen a bit. “Daichi, I think you might have commitment issues.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Daichi flicks his forehead. “You take one psych class and suddenly-”
“I took two, actually,” Suga corrects, pinching Daichi’s wrist. “And denial is a very common response.”
“Right,” Daichi deadpans. “So tell me then, what is the root of all my issues? You’re not charging for this, are you?”
“Breakfast tomorrow will suffice,” Suga squints, putting on an artificially formal tone. “Perhaps you fear someone getting too close, having them know everything. How is your relationship with your father?”
“You suck at this,” Daichi laughs, shaking his head. “Maybe you should take a third class and try again.” He adds, “Besides, you know almost everything about me.”
“Yeah that’s true, I guess,” Suga shrugs, before sitting up suddenly. “That’s it! Daichi, you’re a genius.”
“What are you on about now?”
“The answer to our dating woes,” Suga explains. “We’re meant to be.”
“Did you forget the part where we’re supposed to be attracted to each other?” Daichi responds, a grin spreading to match Suga’s despite how ridiculous it all seemed.
“No need to get into details,” Suga says, waving a hand in the air. “Besides, we’ve never even tried it.”
“Tried what?”
Suga’s grin is even wider now, and Daichi can tell he’s trying his hardest not to fall into laughter. “You have to kiss me.”
“That’s more of a third date thing for me, personally."
“Hear me out, it can’t hurt to try it, right?” Suga insists, just enough humor in their tone that Daichi knows they’re giving him an out, a way to shift the conversation with no hard feelings. “Maybe it’s like, an activation switch or something.”
With a heavy sigh, Daichi responds, “Sit up a bit.”
Suga freezes, before shifting closer to Daichi, “You do remember how to kiss someone, right?”
“I’m begging you to shut up,” he mumbles, reaching over to cradle Suga’s face in his palms. “Here, just-”
He watches Suga close his eyes, leaning forward and following along. Their lips meet, stiff for a bit before molding together into something more natural. Daichi counts backward from five and leans back, staring at Suga who seems scared to break the silence at first.
It’s Daichi who cracks, a small laugh slipping out and then Suga is doubled over, both hands on Daichi’s shoulders with tears leaking out of the corners of his eyes.
“Oh my god,” Suga breathes. “Shut up. Shut up! This is supposed to be serious.”
“That was-” Daichi tries to say.
“Fuck, I know,” Suga groans, flopping over to lay down on Daichi’s left. “We’re doomed. It’s hopeless. I’ll never know love.”
“Calm down,” Daichi says, laughter dying down a bit. “We’re like 19 years old.”
“Maybe we should make one of those marriage pacts,” Suga continues, as if Daichi hadn’t spoken at all.
“Marriage pacts?”
“Yeah, like if we’re not married or in a super serious relationship by 30, we agree we’ll marry each other,” Suga explains, before grimacing and turning to face Daichi. “We should probably make it 35 though, huh? For your sake.”
Daichi stares at Suga and says “Get out,” before kicking them off the bed.
Suga manages to catch himself, and Daichi hears their laughter down the hall as he stumbles off to the bathroom to brush his teeth.
(The next morning, though, Suga sits up on the counter while Daichi wordlessly makes his favorite breakfast, and Daichi leans over by the fridge as Suga cleans up afterward. A small reassurance. A quiet thanks.)
College continues to flow in a series of Suga’s appearance changes and Daichi’s inability to settle down with someone for more than a few months at a time, neither of which is missed by the other. Summer is a scramble to compare work schedules, fitting in time to sleep over each other’s places and check up on former teammates. Asahi gladly joins them on several late-night convenience store runs, Suga tangling themselves between them as if he never packed everything up and shipped himself away, and if Daichi closes his eyes, he can pretend for a bit that nothing’s changed at all.
But suddenly he’s on the train platform, waving Suga away for another year at school, with promises to visit soon.
Somehow, the more time Daichi spends in college, the faster it goes by. Before he realizes it, it’s been two months since he’s seen Suga and one week since he’s called them. Picking up the phone, he goes to his favorites and puts the phone to his ear.
“Did someone die?” Suga asks, voice slightly muffled.
“What? Why would someone be-” Daichi responds.
“Sorry, I thought maybe this line was only used for emergency purposes these days,” Suga cuts him off, and Daichi can tell he’s trying not to laugh.
“It’s been one week,” Daichi huffs, exasperated.
There’s silence at the other end, before Suga says softly, “Oh god, I’ve already forgotten the sound of your voice.”
“I’m going to hang up,” Daichi says, already moving to end the call.
“No!” Suga says, shifting their phone so his voice sounds closer. “I’m messing with you, I promise.”
“Hilarious,” Daichi responds, settling in his chair once again. “And to think I was checking on you because I haven’t seen you in so long.”
“Fine,” Suga sighs into the phone. “I suppose I can catch you up.”
They dive into what Daichi imagines is a highly dramatic retelling of his classes lately, and the one professor who Suga is sure is personally out to get them. Daichi in turn talks about a club he’d joined recently, and how his current group for one of his classes hasn’t responded to his prompts to meet for three days now.
When Daichi lets it slip again that it’s been a while since he’s seen Suga, Suga reminds him that Daichi is fully capable of coming to visit himself. By the end of the call, Daichi has a round trip ticket for two weeks from then and a promise not to wait so long to call Suga again.
Throughout the time between their calls and his visit, Daichi wonders why it has taken this long for the idea of visiting Suga’s campus to take form. It’s when he finally steps foot onto the platform, waiting for Suga to spot him, that it dawns on him. Everything around him is unfamiliar, but he watches Suga walk in front of him with confidence that comes from making a home somewhere. All too suddenly, Daichi is made aware of the reality that there is some large part of Suga that he doesn’t share, that is separate from the place they’ve grown up. Suga has a favorite spot to study, a coffee order that Daichi’s never heard before. From the walk to the train to their dorm alone, at least eight people have stopped Suga to say hello.
But then, Daichi thinks of the way Suga immediately follows the greeting with “This is Daichi!”, as if his arrival is something long-anticipated, how he turns to Daichi and asks “You still like your coffee black with sugar, no cream?” and explains their lecture notes out loud, while Daichi nods along. When Suga and Daichi are huddled together on the stiff dorm room mattress, Daichi thinks that something about it feels natural. Like maybe this is just two worlds tangling together. Like there’s space for Daichi to fill, even here, miles away from home.
Summer comes and goes, as it does, and Daichi wonders if his life is now just waiting for it to feel warm again. The third year of college is something that Suga and Daichi agree is one of the worst, and there’s an unspoken forgiveness when days go by without hearing from each other.
In the middle of Daichi’s junior year, his advisor calls him in for a meeting.
“Would you consider a master’s program abroad?” she asks, and Daichi doesn’t respond for a full two minutes.
“I think I would,” he eventually says, half-listening about his prospects and the financial aid he could get.
Later, when Suga asks about the meeting that had Daichi “so freaked out” earlier, he lies and says it was about a grade for one of his classes. Then he opens up an application.
When Suga had first mentioned that they were looking at schools outside of their hometown, Daichi had said he was happy for him and then shut himself in his room for three days. Preparing himself, he reasoned, for what it would be like to not have Suga a walk away.
At the beginning of his fourth day of silence, Suga burst into his room with a scowl on his face.
“You’re avoiding me,” they stated, and Daichi hated the lack of room he was given to deny it.
“You’re leaving,” Daichi accused, and he heard rather than saw the way Suga scoffed before going to sit on the bed.
“This isn’t going to make it easier,” Suga continued, softer. “Trying to do it alone.”
Daichi finally sat up to face Suga. “But I don’t-” he began, frustrated. “You should be happy. I should be happy for you.”
Suga smiled, just a bit. “I am happy. And I know you’ll be happy for me too, eventually. You don’t have to hold it all in for my sake.”
When Daichi didn’t respond, Suga added. “Besides, no one can stay mad at this face for too long.”
“Shut up,” Daichi groaned, finally cracking a smile as Suga laughed. “I’m not angry with you.”
“I know,” Suga said, letting the quiet settle in for a few minutes. “It’s not like, a goodbye or anything.”
“I know,” Taking a deep breath, Daichi asked. “Have you eaten yet?”
“Of course not,”
“Well, come on then,” Daichi said, standing up. “Only a few more months before I have to hear you complain about shitty college food every day.”
(And Suga will, less than two weeks into his freshman year, and Daichi will smile and think that everything has changed, and yet nothing is really different at all.)
Daichi opens and closes the application at least seventeen times over the next few months, with the argument that it’s too early for any serious decisions anyways. (Though a voice in his head that sounds eerily like Suga mumbles something like commitment issues.)
By the time summer rolls around, he’s out of excuses, since he’s already talked with his parents and gotten his references. He fills out information and wipes tables at a local restaurant for extra cash, and in between, he finds time to sleep over at Suga’s and feels the sun warm his skin. He gets ice cream with Asahi and when they talk about what they’re doing after graduation he shrugs and listens to ramblings about fashion designer openings and local schools to apply to teach at. He tells himself this is good, that he’s not hiding anything, and lets the season carry him over to the end. On the train platform, he waves Suga off with promises to visit, and repeats in his head It’s not goodbye. Not yet.
He gets in.
Not only does he get in, but he also gets a generous amount of aid that has his mom crying over the phone and his dad quietly saying how proud he is. Daichi emails his professors to thank them and let them know, and his roommates take him out to celebrate. He decides to wait to tell anyone else and suddenly a month has passed and he finds himself no more ready to share the news.
Suga picks up on it mid-phone conversation one day. “You’re hiding something.”
“What?”
“You’re hiding something,” Suga repeats. “You’ve barely been listening to me this whole time, which usually means you’re thinking too much.”
Daichi laughs. “Just tired.”
“You’ve said that in the past three phone calls,” Suga sighs. “You can talk to me, you know.”
“I don’t want to stress you,” Daichi offers, anxiety wrapping around him at Suga’s shift in tone.
“You always say that,” Suga replies. “This isn’t high school, you don’t have to protect me from anything.”
“There’s nothing going on,” Daichi says firmly.
“Nothing?”
“Nothing.”
Suga laughs, but it lacks warmth. “Ok, Daichi.”
After a few more minutes of small talk, they finally hang up.
Daichi goes two weeks without hearing from Suga, which, to be fair, means that Suga has also gone two weeks without hearing from Daichi. This is the longest they’ve gone without texting or calling, even longer than when Daichi had pushed a little too hard about Suga giving up his starting position when they were third years. It’s with this in mind that he eventually picks up the phone.
“I’m sorry,” Suga says before Daichi even greets him, as if it’s spilling out of them. “I shouldn’t have gotten upset, I know we’re close but you’re still entitled to having your own things and-”
“I’m leaving,” Daichi interrupts, scared he won’t be able to say it out loud the more Suga goes on. “The country. I applied to this school abroad and I got in.”
“Oh,” Suga breathes out, pausing for a minute. “Shit.”
“Yeah,” Daichi says, softer.
“Shit,” Suga repeats, a little louder now.
“It’s only two years,” Daichi rushes out. “Maybe three, actually, I’m not too sure. I didn’t want to tell you yet because it doesn’t feel real, you know? But it’ll be nice, I think, to finally get away from home for a bit because-”
“Daichi,” Suga says softly. “It’s okay.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Suga laughs, incredulous. “No wait, this is great. Holy shit. You have to tell me everything.”
So Daichi does, and Suga looks up the city online and starts pointing out different places Daichi simply has to visit and how round trip tickets aren’t too expensive but did he really have to go and leave the country while Suga is on a teacher’s salary? Daichi laughs and lets himself believe that this doesn't change anything at all.
The first time Suga had ever admitted the fear that Daichi was always meant to go ahead of him, it was a month before nationals. It was dark, and Asahi hadn’t been able to sleep over that day, his mom needing him early in the morning. Daichi was close to dozing off when suddenly he heard Suga whisper his name.
“I feel like I hold you back sometimes,” Suga had whispered, and Daichi felt them shift a little closer to the edge of the bed as if distance would make the confession easier. “You’re my best friend, you know? And I just want-”
“Suga,” Daichi said. “I’m not your friend because of how well you play volleyball.”
“I know, but the whole reason we even got so close was that we had this dream, this goal,” Suga responded. “And it’s not really fair to call it mine now, not when you’ve worked so hard for it. You could do anything you wanted, Daichi, and I don’t think I’ll be able to keep up.”
Even though he knows Suga can’t really see him, Daichi sat up on his bed. “Suga, I wouldn’t even be here without you. You get that right? I might’ve given up a long time ago.”
Suga didn’t respond, so Daichi added. “My dream was never that I would go to nationals. It was that we would. So can you stop trying to get rid of me?”
“Ok,” Suga laughed, but it was weak, and Daichi heard a sniffle follow. “Thanks.” He had shifted back over, not so much that they were touching, but enough that Daichi could feel a slight warmth again.
(And really, when Suga later decides to go off first, Daichi can’t stay mad at them. He doesn’t say it, but he thinks that Suga was always meant for more than just keeping up. On worse days, he thinks Suga is wrong for believing Daichi is anyone worth following.)
Suga graduates and Daichi makes the trip to see him walk across the stage. Suga sits with Asahi among Daichi’s family after his graduation, all three of them staying the night and talking until the sun peeks through the blinds, and Daichi allows himself to be nostalgic for a bit, after reaching another milestone, walking even further away from volleyball courts and packed lunches.
Despite the heat, a lot of time is spent in Daichi’s kitchen, Suga insisting he needs to teach them everything he knows so Suga doesn’t starve while he's gone. So they pore over recipes, laughing and elbow deep in dishes while purposefully ignoring the suitcases lying in the corner of Daichi’s room.
When Daichi comes over, Suga makes him sit and scroll over countless pictures of classrooms, bright colors and bold letters burning into Daichi’s vision until he’s sure he’s going to start reciting the alphabet and class rules in his sleep.
Suga doesn’t cry, not in front of Daichi, but he learns again to measure the time he has left by Suga’s appearance. When there are about two months left, Suga cuts their hair short again. At one month, there’s a new tattoo on his left rib, a bird taking flight. When there are two weeks left, they finally talk about it.
“You’re really leaving,” Suga mutters, looking at apartments and occasionally asking for Daichi’s opinion.
“Yeah,” Daichi says from where he’s sitting on the other end of the couch. “Is it weird it still doesn’t feel real?”
Suga puts down his laptop, considering. “I don’t think so,” they decide, shifting so he’s facing Daichi, knees bent so they can wrap their arms around them. “I mean, have you ever been on a plane?”
Daichi hasn’t, but before he can admit that, Suga continues. “You do know you’ll have to take a plane, right?”
“You’re the worst person I know,” Daichi mutters. “If you would stop rambling for like, two seconds, I could-”
“I don’t ramble,” Suga responds, feigning offense. “Excuse me for making sure my friend is properly prepared for an international flight, I mean, you saw my list and that was just for one semester.”
“I got fucking plane tickets, Suga,” Daichi sighs.
“And what about packing? Do you have your passport? Medicine? Socks?”
“Fuck,” Daichi whips his head around, before putting his head in his hands. “I forgot socks.”
“You forgot socks?”
“It was a minor detail! I didn’t-” Daichi begins, but is cut off by Suga's sudden burst of laughter.
Once it dies down, they let the silence fill the room, neither of them in a rush to bring the conversation back down to earth.
It’s Suga who speaks first. “Daichi?”
“Yeah?”
“Have fun, okay?” Suga glances over, weak smile on their face. “I know you’ll be worried, but everyone back here will be fine.”
“I’m kind of scared,” Daichi admits, not glancing back at Suga, choosing to look up at the chipped paint on the ceiling instead.
“Well of course, but be scared because you’re in a new country and you just realized you didn’t bring any socks, not because you think home will fall apart without you,” Suga responds, and Daichi lets himself smile, just for a moment.
“Yeah,” he agrees. “Thanks, Suga.”
“And besides,” Suga continues. “Think of all the great things you might get to see. Maybe the love of your life is over there. Shit- maybe the love of my life is over there. Do you think you could bring along a picture of me?”
“People would probably get the wrong idea,” Daichi reasons.
“I take it back,” Suga sighs, head leaning back to stare up with Daichi. “I can’t wait until you get out of here.”
Daichi leaves, and it’s emotional and he feels like he’s split in half. He arrives on the other side of the world and things are too loud, and the first thing he thinks is he has to text his mom, text Suga. After getting his things and settling into his room, alone, he doesn’t cry, but he does sit up well into the night, begging sleep to take him.
He thinks of home the first few weeks, and decides that’s a good enough reason to try to find a piece of it. He looks for the ingredients to one of his favorite dishes and splits it with his roommate, listens to him talk about his classes coming up. He studies, and studies, and studies. He goes for walks, calls his family and friends. He lets himself go on dates, nothing too serious, because he reasons that being somewhere new is scary enough. (And he’ll admit that to himself now, that being close to someone is scary, in its own way.) He finds a job at the local grocery and scrapes some extra money to go on small trips, just to get away for a day or two. In the end, he finds that the passage of time in college is nothing compared to here, and by the time he finally feels settled and adjusted it’s almost a year in, and he’s halfway through his master’s program.
Suga had told him they were trying to save up money to come visit, but calls him one day in a blur of words, something about a family emergency, and having to drain his savings, and Daichi hears the panic in their voice and assures them that it’s fine. Hours later, when he’s back in his room, he thinks he might actually believe it. A part of him is anxious that Suga coming would have thrown off the balance he made here. That he wouldn’t be able to seamlessly fit Suga in, couldn’t make it look as easy as Suga always did.
Daichi develops a routine, stops looking around him like it’s something of a wonder and more like it’s a home. He gets comfortable, learns some of his neighbors’ names, waves when he sees them as he walks to and from campus. His calls aren’t as frequent, and he doesn’t feel guilty about it. He has fun, tries not to worry, trusts that he’ll come back to something solid. The second half goes quicker than the first, and soon he is purchasing plane tickets back home, another degree in his hand, and thinks This was mine .
Going home feels somewhat like suffocating, in that after leaving, everything seems smaller in comparison. By the time Daichi has been fussed over by his parents and put a dent in unpacking, it’s been a few weeks and he hasn’t seen anyone outside of immediate family.
He decides to take a short trip a little outside of town, just to clear his head. Walking along some shops, he stumbles upon a small bakery and steps inside. He looks at the options, and gets some desserts and a coffee to drink. When he looks around for tables, a bit behind the register, he notices a silver head of hair bent down over a stack of papers, and something shifts into place.
“Suga?”
Snapping up as if out of a daze, Suga looks over and freezes, as if they’re afraid that if they move too quickly Daichi will be revealed to be an optical illusion. But then Daichi waves and Suga is walking over and standing right in front of him.
“Daichi,” Suga says, softly, and a grin spreads wide across their face, before he wraps Daichi in a hug. Daichi wonders for a second if Suga has always felt this warm, before returning the embrace.
Suga steps back and stares intently, before stating definitively, “I’ve gotten taller.”
“Have you?”
“And your voice has gotten deeper! Am I imagining things?” Suga exclaims, squinting and looking behind Daichi as if the one they remember will come walking through the door at any moment.
“Yes, this is all some elaborate prank, you’ve got me,” Daichi replies, interrupted when his name is called and his coffee is ready.
Suga laughs, shaking his head as if they still can’t quite believe it, before moving some of the papers out of the way.
“Come sit,” Suga insists. “I was just grading.”
Daichi nods, sliding into the seat across from Suga. A silence follows, and for a minute dread fills Daichi when it feels a bit awkward.
“So,” he clears his throat. “What did I miss?”
Suga’s shoulders sag as they let go of a breath, and the grin returns. “Oh my god, I have so much to tell you. You’ll never guess who Asahi is seeing right now. You remember that guy from Kamomedai? Apparently-”
Daichi loses track of how long he sits there, listening to Suga. Guilt begins to settle in after a while, and he wonders if this is how Suga felt, coming back for the first time, realizing how life still moved back home, even when they weren't around to see it.
Sometime later, Suga admits that they need to go soon, gathering his papers and trash.
“Suga,” Daichi begins. “I’m sorry I missed out on so much, I should’ve called more or something.”
It's still for a moment, before Suga asks, “Did you have fun?”
A small smile shows on Daichi’s face without thinking. “Yeah, I did.”
Suga’s smile mirrors his own. “Then that’s all that matters. Your number back here is the same right?”
Daichi nods while Suga goes to stand up, pausing before heading to the door.
“So then I’ll recognize it when you call me later,” they say, a teasing grin that's striked the same fear in Daichi since high school, and Suga is gone before Daichi can even think of a response.
Two days after running into Suga, he does eventually call them, and they’ve hung out almost every weekend for the last few months. Daichi had found a job that makes him commute a bit far from home, and sometimes at the end of the week, he’ll go over to Suga’s place, which is closer, and stays the night. It’s familiar, even if now Suga cooks more often than not and Daichi sleeps on the couch rather than taking up space on the bed. It’s good, Daichi thinks, but he knows that something is different, because he’s walking up to Suga’s apartment the same way he has dozens of times, and he still feels nervous.
At first, Daichi attributes it to how long it’s been since he’s seen Suga. Nervous about settling back home, that things would be too different. And yet, here he is, months later, sure that he and Suga are fine, yet still feeling the need to impress them. To get Suga’s attention.
Daichi knows what it is, just doesn’t know what to do with it. He doesn’t think it’s just him, either. Doesn’t know what to do with the wonder with which Suga looks at him. Doesn’t know how to be on the receiving end of something like that. Isn’t used to the heat that floods his face when Suga catches him looking, or the need to look away when he feels he’s been staring too long.
It makes him feel younger, feel a bit lost. Takes everything not to search up what to do when you suddenly develop a crush on your best friend of over ten years in the middle of the night like he’s back in middle school. The worst part is he can’t pinpoint what exactly changed, can’t look back on a single instance that marked the beginning of it. And the one person he would usually freak out in front of is now the source of all his problems, so Daichi is left with all this feeling and nowhere to put it.
Suga notices, Daichi is sure, but this Suga isn’t the one from high school or even college. They don’t push too harshly, more content with waiting. A bit softer, or maybe harder to reach.
It’s a quiet evening inside when Daichi finally brings it up, deciding to handle it the way he does most things in life: running straight into it. Suga is washing the dishes after their dinner, while Daichi lays out on the couch. Suga had been talking about how their mother kept bringing up the fact that he was single. Daichi had laughed, telling his own tales about his mother and even his younger siblings pestering him.
“I think that’s what used to annoy me about dating,” Daichi admits, a bit quiet. “I felt like it was something I had to do, like I should be in love, you know?”
Suga nods, an amused grin on their face. “And now?”
“Now,” Daichi continues. “I think I could be. Like I could love someone. It doesn’t feel so far away.”
“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” Suga asks, going back to washing the dishes.
“I think so,” Daichi says, not adding anything else for a bit. “Do you remember in high school, when I asked about waiting for something to happen, and you said the right person would be there?”
Suga pauses for a few seconds, before nodding. “Yeah, I remember.”
“What if it finally happened?” Daichi asks. “And it's just you and me here?”
“Well, why wouldn’t I be here?” Suga responds, still not looking up at Daichi. “We’re best friends after all.”
“I know, but it's more than that. I guess I'm trying to say that-”
“Daichi,” Suga cuts in, stopping what he’s doing and turning to face where Daichi sits. “I got it.”
And then Suga is smiling, the biggest Daichi’s seen it since coming back home, and he’d make fun of them if he didn’t know his own face probably looks the same.
"I knew you would."
In the end, there is no clear defining moment, no grand confession. Just Suga in the kitchen, preparing two cups of tea without asking. In the end, it’s as simple as Suga sitting next to Daichi rather than the other end of the couch, so close that it almost feels like an extension of himself.
Daichi learns to mark the time by the new things he notices in Suga. Suga doesn’t blush in the full way that Daichi does, only small splotches along their cheeks. When Suga kisses like he actually believes in the person on the other side, it’s much softer, purposeful. They’re not as open as they were when they were younger, and sometimes Daichi has to press down a bit harder to get Suga to unfold. There’s a new tattoo on Suga’s left thigh, a wildflower. Suga doesn’t drink coffee much at all these days, and isn’t as quick with banter as he used to be, but Daichi can always tell by the way Suga’s eyes shine that they’re thinking something Daichi is likely to roll his eyes at.
It’s strange, to relearn someone he’s known for so long. Some deeper part of him is afraid that he’ll freeze, that he can’t really follow through. Hasn't earned the right to know this version of Suga.
One late night, it comes out when they’re surrounded by darkness.
“I’m afraid I won’t be good at loving you like this,” Daichi admits, feeling Suga stir next to him.
“Well, not to be biased,” Suga says, and Daichi can hear the smile in their voice. “But I don’t think it’s very hard.”
“No, that’s the thing” Daichi explains. “It feels too easy. What if it doesn’t last?”
“Then we’ll figure it out,” Suga yawns, shifting a bit. “But for now, you can just let things be good.”
Daichi takes a breath and closes his eyes, letting Suga’s words sink in.
“Besides,” Suga mumbles, half-asleep already, “I don’t think I know how not to be your friend at this point.”
(That’s what soothes Daichi more than anything, the thought that there was nothing inevitable about them. Suga would readily choose Daichi, in a number of different ways, and Daichi knows he would do the same. It wasn’t fate that decided what would happen in the end. Only the two of them.)
Back in high school, in the time between coming home from nationals and graduation, Daichi grew worried that this would be the end of his friendship with Suga. That since they finally finished what they started, going off to college would be a true goodbye, a quiet acceptance of their fading away. He didn’t have the words for it, not then, didn’t know how to tell Suga that he didn’t want it to end but also didn’t know what would hold them together now that there wasn’t a net to get over, a game to win.
One day on the walk home, Daichi talked about how weird it felt to not have practice anymore, that it was all over.
“I’m not sure what to do with myself, really,” Daichi said, arms feeling too heavy at his sides.
Suga had just hummed, before looking up to Daichi with a nudge and a soft smile. “I guess you and I will just have to see what happens next.”