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He couldn’t look back now. Not when his future was so set. The boy that Min was back then was different than the man he is now.
There were no longer unrealistic dreams and muddied plans to pursue, no more daydreaming and asking what could’ve been. Or at least, there shouldn’t be any of those thoughts lingering. But Min couldn’t help himself.
Gripping onto the picture frame, Min softened his gaze on the photo of him and Ryan at the age of six.
He wished to go back to those times when he didn’t have to worry about what everyone else wanted for him. The simplicity of being a child tormented him at times. Min didn’t have to be anyone back then. He just had to enjoy whatever playful antics Ryan dragged him into. And now? Min could never be too careful about practically anything.
He was balancing on a thin piece of thread, and everything he did had been meticulously and painfully thought through - what college he would go to, what major, what job to get after college, how he could help his parents after that, where he and his parents would move to next, and all the like.
It wasn’t that Min wanted to have this future; he had no other choice. He needed to want this. Hearing how his parents sometimes muttered restlessly at night proved that. He just wanted to be the son that they would be proud of.
Ryan could still be anything he wanted to be though. He could be anyone. He had that kind of freedom. But that’s how Ryan always was. As they had grown, time had made him bolder. Bolder to achieve that aimless dream, daring to the point of recklessness and lack of second thought.
Min loved that about Ryan.
But growing older, that trait about Ryan became less captivating and more suffocating. Because Min knew he couldn’t follow through with him, despite how much he wished he could. Maybe if he had told Ryan that, they would still be here, together, and Min wouldn’t feel so hallow.
He could still tell Ryan. Could he?
A tug on Min’s chest compelled him to stand from carpeted floor. Walking towards the telephone, he silently cursed at himself. Cursing at himself for wanting to hear Ryan’s voice so badly.
How was Ryan doing now? Min wanted to know. He just wanted to hear his best friend on the other side of the line, spouting out his adventures to him with excitement. To hear his contagious laugh, and just know that he was okay.
But can Min possibly talk to him when he and Ryan lived in two separate worlds? And when Ryan would ask how Min was, then what would he say?
Oh, nothing, I’ve just been living at home with my parents, miserably working 9-to-5 shifts everyday at some grimy diner. Oh! And for some reason that kills me inside, I can’t stop thinking of you! Pathetic, right?
He shook his head. For once, he shoved away the thoughts that enabled his hesitation, wanting to believe that Ryan would give him the benefit of the doubt. Just be natural. He’s your best friend, after all.
Min ran a sweaty palm down his face, exhaling a deep sigh. He reached for the phone, that was until the deep orange sunlight illuminated the piles of textbooks just right.
He wasn’t ready to leave for uni.
Not when he had built his entire life around Ryan. It had been almost a year since they had separated, and yet, he was still afraid of this change.
But looking at his textbooks and piles of boxes, his anxiety couldn’t stop him from moving forward.
Because Min was getting older. And he couldn’t let the child from within him rise above everything that he should be grateful for.
The hand that reached for the phone curled into a ball, then thudded by his side.
He couldn’t reach Ryan anyway. He had no idea how to contact him, wherever he was.
And it was stupid of Min to hope that Ryan would ever want to reach out to him too.
It was better this way. Min would have only dragged Ryan down. At least now, there was no one getting in the way of Ryan and the dream that he wanted to chase. Min had his own dreams anyway.
He closed the last cardboard box, burying the photo of him and Ryan inside his drawer to be left behind.
The child from within him would be gone for good.