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Video starts. Sitting in front of a whiteboard, mostly blank, save for a few unreadable things, is Tim Drake-Wayne, a well-known person in Gotham. Next to him, is Kon-El, aka Superboy, and the reason this entire video was made. Both are sitting in swivl rolly chairs, and in front of them are a few snacks, which already look eaten. The two appear to be in conversation.
Tim: - and I mean - Oh are we rolling?
(Off-screen) Voice: We’re rolling.
Kon: We’re rolling.
Tim: Why didn’t you tell me?
Voice: I literally said, recording in 3, 2, 1. I’m sorry you’re an idiot.
Kon: She did say it, Tim.
Tim: Bat-reyal.
Pause. Understanding comes onto Kon’s face as Tim buries his face into his hands.
Kon: Is that….?
Voice: It is.
Both the Voice and Kon are laughing. Tim is attempting to smother himself.
CUT.
Tim’s face is slightly red, and Kon is stifling his laughter.
Tim: Hello, people! In case you don’t know me -
Voice & Kon: Impossible.
Tim( Shooting Kon and the Camera a glare) : My name is Tim Drake-Wayne, and with me is my good friend, Kon-El, who is doing his first interview today! ( He shakes hands in a Jazz Hand motion.) Yay!!
Kon( Leaning ever so slightly forward) : Not my first interview.
Tim swivels to look at him, utter betrayal on his face.
Tim: It isn’t?
Kon: No. Lois Lane was.
Tim: Fair. Fair. Anyways, today we’re here to talk about your newfound fame, and some questions people have asked me about you.
Kon: Great. Just great.
Tim: Relax! It’ll be fun.
Kon: Says you.
Kon runs a hand through his hair. Tim slightly groans, pulling his phone out, obviously producing the question list.
Tim: Alright, sorry we don’t have an audience, like with Lois Lane -
Kon: We don’t?
Voice: What am I chopped liver?
Tim(Throwing his hands up, slightly tossing his phone): Oh well! Anyways, as our camera person, we have another friend of mind, Stephanie Brown! Say Hi to the camera, Steph.
(Off-Screen) Steph: Hi to the camera, Steph.
Kon smiles, quickly covering his face with a hand, Tim sighs, getting up to retrieve his phone.
CUT.
In Kon’s hand is popcorn, as he tosses them into his mouth. Tim has his phone out and an interview smile on.
Tim: So, Kon, ready?
Kon: Why? Why do you even want to do this?
Tim: I told you. Plus! It’ll be fun.
Kon ( Deadpan) :Yes, fun.
Tim( Softly) :Is this how Bruce feels?
Kon: Probably.
Tim: First Question!
Kon is attempting to hold his laughter in. Steph has no such qualms.
Tim: WHAT IS IT LIKE HAVING LEX LUTHOR AND SUPERMAN AS YOUR PARENTS?
Kon loses it. The camera shakes. Tim sits there trying to hold it together, but one can see the tears coming from holding in laughter.
CUT.
Both Tim and Kon are slightly red in the face.
Kon: Is that seriously your first question?
Tim: Do you want it to be your first question?
Kon: Do you know how rude the question was?
Tim: Well I’m sorry people keep DMing me with questions they have about you!
Kon: That’s better than what people DM me.
Tim( Incredulous.) : I thought you had a private account?
Kon: So did I! And yet somehow, I’m getting all these people either asking if I’m a) single, or b) willing to read something!
Tim: What do they want you to read?
Kon: Oh, it’s always links to Superman x Lex Luthor fanfiction.
Tim blinks several times, from off-screen you can hear the faint laughter of Steph.
Tim: What?
Kon ( A Bit Smug): You heard me Drake-Wayne.
Steph’s laughter gets louder as Tim goes red in the face, shaking his head as he laughs. Kon joins in.
CUT.
Tim (Through Laughter) : And I have to ask, do you ever read those fanfics?
Kon: Oh yeah. Some are surprisingly good.
(Off-Screen) Steph: Tell me about it! Like I’m currently reading a Bruce Wayne x Batman one, and God…
Tim: Which one?
Steph: The one I sent you? From the one Jay sent me? You know he’ll read fanfiction at times, and basically edit them? Yeah, so he sent me the current one I’m reading, which I sent you.
Tim: Oh!! The 50k enemies to lovers slowburn? The one we’re all betting on.
Steph: Yup!
Kon: Can you send me the link?
Steph: Yes! It’s great! There’s like 30 chapters so far, but it’s great.
Kon: Great thanks. Wait, Jason edits fanfiction? Is he like Clark Kent?
Tim: Yes, Jason edits fanfiction. What does Clark Kent do?
Kon: So, in Metropolis -
Hisses of disgust from Steph and Tim.
Kon: Wow, thanks for that. Anyways in Metropolis -
More hisses of disgust
Kon: Are you two gonna say that everytime I say Metropolis?
Hisses of disgust.
Kon: Great to know. Anyways, in the city in which Superman resides in, Clark Kent is married to Lois Lane -
(Off-Screen, Distant) Steph: Queen!
Kon: However, many people in a certain city, which I will not name, ship Lois Lane and Clark Kent. To top it off, many of those fanfiction writers will send Clark Kent their Lois Lane x Superman fanfics for Clark Kent to edit.
Tim: In essence, Clark Kent and Jason do the same thing. Also, why is Superman shipped with everyone?
Kon ( Deadpan) : Well, Tim, that’s because everyone wants some of America’s Boy Scout.
Tim falls out of his chair, the camera starts to shake. Kon is breaking into laughter.
Cut.
Tim is red in the face. Kon is drinking a glass of water as if he did not expose Metropolis.
Tim: But, Kon it creates the question, is that why Lex Luthor is pissed at Superman? Because he left him for Lois Lane?
Kon: I think it was a mix of that and the fact that Superman never paid Child Support.
Tim: Understandably Luthor wants revenge.
Kon: Oh, of course. Wouldn’t you?
Tim: Definitely. I need a timeline of this. I’ll be back.
Tim gets out of his seat. He walks off-camera. After a brief moment the sound of a door opening and closing is heard. Kon looks at the camera.
Kon: Do you know what he is getting?
Steph: Nope. Maybe a whiteboard?
Kon gives the camera, which has been taken to mean Steph, a look, before turning to face the whiteboard behind him.
Kon: Like one like this?
Steph: Probably. Hold up.
A blonde woman, Steph, darts from off-screen towards the whiteboard. Picking up a purple expo marker, she writes in big capital letters: STEPH WUZ HERE! She runs back to her place behind the camera. Kon glances at the whiteboard, then at the camera, picking up a blue marker, he writes: AND KON.
CUT.
Kon is laying across the two chairs, staring into the sky, doing something on his phone. The sound of the door opening and closing is heard again. Tim Drake-Wayne appears, dragging a rolling whiteboard behind him. Kon stares at the camera, before pointing to the whiteboard behind him, covered in his and Steph’s writings and several other drawings. Tim stares at it for a brief moment.
Tim: FUU-
CUT.
Tim and Kon are each sitting on the chairs. Tim’s is still slightly spinning. The whiteboard Tim had dragged in is right next to Tim. A basket of expo markers by Tim’s feet.
(Off-Screen) Steph: Now I’m curious. What’s this timeline Tim had wanted?
Tim (Excitedly he shoots to his feet): That! I forgot all about that. But like, we need a visual timeline of when Kon’s parents split up because Superman decides to date a married woman.
Somehow he said this all with a straight face. He only started to laugh when he looked at Kon’s face. The shit-eating grin, coupled with Steph’s laughter only fueled Tim’s laughter.
Kon: That’s one way to put it.
Steph: We’re horrible for PR.
Tim: Don’t get me started on PR. But yeah, if anything for Superman’s PR.
Steph: Does he have a PR team? Kon does Superman have a PR Team?
Kon (Staring at the Camera): I have no idea. Lois Lane? Clark Kent?
Steph: We should send Lois Lane a gift basket.
Tim: We should?
Steph: We will send Lois Lane a gift basket in apology.
Kon: I’m sure she would like that. Plenty of flowers and plenty of muffins.
Steph: Oooh muffins.
Tim: Can I write my timeline yet?
Kon: No. Let me have a sip of water before you ruin my life.
Kon makes a show of grabbing a glass of water. He takes a long sip. It goes on for nearly a minute. Kon’s eyes never leave Tim's face. Tim grows more uncomfortable every second. After a minute, Kon places the water back down. The glass is practically empty.
Kon: Alright, now you can begin.
Tim picks up the basket of markers at his feet, grabbing the whiteboard he pulls it into between his and Kon’s seat, Kon spinning to get out of his way.
Tim: Ok. So, we have pissed exes Lex Luthor and Superman.
On the board he wrote LEX LUTHOR + SUPERMAN.
Tim: And they had Kon.
Kon: That's a generalization of the events, but yes, that's basically what happened.
Steph: I want to know the full story.
Kon: Tell ya later.
As they talked, Tim wote on the board KON.
Tim: But then, they broke up.
Kon: Yes. And that’s why Superman became a hero, and Lex a villian.
Tim ( Disappointedly turning to Kon): But I thought that was the reason they broke up. Because their hearts couldn’t take knowing each other were on opposite sides of the moral spectrum.
Steph: Oooh. The drama.
Kon: Actually yeah, that makes sense. And Lex, mad and angry at Superman, plus the entire time they were together, Superman was cheating on him with Lois Lane.
Steph: No, because Lois Lane would be marrying Clark Kent around that time so….
Kon: Well they broke up because Superman definitely cheated on Lex Luthor because no one would -
Tim: We’re keeping this PG Kon!
Kon: Well we already failed in that.
Tim: But, yes, I agree Kon, no one would do anything with Lex Luthor. Except, for I guess Superman, otherwise you wouldn't exist.
Kon: Again generalization of the events.
On the board, Tim wrote CLARK KENT + LOIS LANE under SUPERMAN and LEX LUTHOR.
Tim: That happened at the same time.
Steph: And continues!
Tim: Obviously it continued! They have kids.
Kon: But Clark Kent edits fanfiction about his wife and Superman.
Tim: Well then, he’s a very supportive husband!
Standing up Kon wrote, a little after LEX LUTHOR, SUPERMAN and LOIS LANE.
Kon: They broke up, and heartbroken, Superman started seeing Lois Lane. Clark Kent is obviously very supportive. Lex, angry, never told him about me. Which is why Superman owes Lex Luthor years of child support.
Tim: 15 years worth?
Kon: Sure. Just about.
Steph: Breaking News: Superman owes Lex Luthor money.
Tim: Batman owes Superman money. $16 actually.
Kon: So until Batman gives Superman money, Superman won’t give Lex money. Huh. But like? Isn’t Batman together with Bruce Wayne?
Tim (As Steph breaks into laughter): That’s all folks. Video’s over, thanks to Kon for joining us tonight.
CUT.
Both Kon and Tim are standing in front of the whiteboard. Both have smug smiles on their faces.
Tim: Ok so we finished our chart.
Kon: We were all like, we’re gonna stop the video where Tim wanted to, but Steph was like we have to finish the chart. We have to show the cursed timeline.
Tim: So we finished our cursed timeline.
The two sprung apart to reveal the board. The Names of various Superheroes and regular civilians dotted it.
Tim: The timeline goes like this, and it was thanks to Jason, who brought us cookies once we thought we were done, and reminded us Bruce Wayne and Oliver Queen used to be an item, that we decided it was that relationship which starts off our timeline.
Kon: Like twenty/twenty-five years ago, they two had a very short lived relationship. It would forever define their lives.
Tim: For Oliver that meant marrying Dinah Laurel Lance.
Steph (Off-Screen): Queen!
Tim: And for Bruce it meant he will never have another stable relationship. He’ll adopt a bunch of kids, and be stood up at the altar.
Kon: Didn’t Oliver Queen adopt kids too?
Tim: Must be a Billionaire thing.
Kon: Lex Luthor is a billionaire and he only has me.
Tim: Well who in their right mind would give Lex Luthor a child?
Kon: Superman.
CUT.
Tim: A few years after Oliver Queen and Bruce break up, Superman and Lex Luthor start to date. They know they’re on opposite sides of the moral spectrum, but -
Steph: Enemies to lovers!
Kon: Yes. That.
Tim: - yes. It was also around that time that Clark Kent and Lois Lane got together. Same with Oliver Queen and Dinah Laurel Lance. Batman also makes a scene in Gotham, starting his on and off again relationship with Catwoman. Bruce Wayne starts making a reputation in Gotham.
Kon: Lex Luthor and Superman break up. Lex has me. Clark Kent marries Lois Lane. Oliver Queen marries Dinah Lance. Bruce Wayne adopts Dick Grayson.
Tim: Superman and Lois Lane start seeing each other. Her husband is more than supportive. The billionaires adopt more kids, Luthor hides Kon’s existence. Batman still has his on and off again relationship with Catwoman.
Kon: Then, Superman finds out about me! Batman saves Bruce Wayne’s life and they start a relationship. Superman has to pay child support. Bruce Wayne pays a lot of Batman’s things. The house has a bunch of vigilant and orphan children.
Tim (Jazz Hands): The totally accurate timeline of what's actually happening and what has happened.
Kon: It’s been fun. A lot more fun than an actual interview.
Tim ( With betrayal on his face): Did you purposely derail our conversational interview?
Kon: Now why would I ever tell you that?
The two fall into laughter again. The camera shakes confirming the off-screen laughter is Steph. The video fades to black, ending.