Work Text:
Most cultivators come into their second gender shortly after they reach the age of seventeen.
For those very, very few lucky enough to have a soulbond, this is also the age when those bonds become possible.
Amongst the sects, Lan's are known to have an unusually high number of soulbonds vs. the rest of the cultivation world, and even they usually only have one every few generations.
There has never been a case of anyone bonding without having attained their second gender, but there have been cases of Cultivators reaching maturity before the age of 17.
What if Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji were meant to be soulmates. But since Jiang Cheng had not yet presented when he lost his core, they didn't realise it.
Part 1
It all starts when, just before they leave for Cloud Recesses, Wei Wuxian reaches early maturity. And naturally he presents as an Alpha.
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji meet at Cloud Recesses and the initial tug of bond recognition is there, but Wei Wuxian's vivacious personality and obnoxiously overpowering new alpha scent overwhelms everything. So it's very brief and easily missed.
Lan Wangji however does feel it, and recognizes it, but believes Wei Ying is his intended.
Throughout their time at Cloud Recesses, Lan Wangji never spends time with Jiang Cheng alone, only with Wei Ying and much of Jiang Cheng's scent clings to Wei Wuxian since they grew up together, still share a room, and are always in each other's orbit.
Lan Wangji himself has not yet presented either, but he is on the very verge of it and is also more sensitive to bonds. He expects that once he does actually present, the full bond will form.
So Lan Wangji sort of falls for Wei Wuxian. But it's really a combination of Jiang Cheng's scent and him convincing himself that he found his soulmate.
Life in the Jianghu is idyllic, until it no longer is.
The Wen’s finally go too far and Jiang Cheng, who has still not presented, loses his core. Wei Wuxian replaces it with his own and Jiang Cheng comes back down from the mountain a Beta.
When Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng meet up and go looking for Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji keeps catching a faint hint of Jiang Cheng's scent, but believes it is actually some of Wei Wuxian that sticks to Jiang Cheng.
As a Beta, Jiang Cheng is not meant to give off any scent at all, but there is a really faint scent that always clings to him.
Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng get along surprisingly well during their search, but they are both focused on finding Wei Wuxian.
Well, Lan Wangji is singularly focused on finding his beloved while Jiang Cheng is just trying to cope.
He lost his core in the most brutal way possible, shortly after losing his parents and watching his home burn.
He was given a new core, but it came with the added complication of him finally presenting and his body just feels wrong.
Everything feels wrong.
He had also presented as a Beta.
He can still lead his clan, and is determined to do so, but he knows that it will not be easy to re-build and bring his sect back up to the status they once held. Everything will be an uphill battle.
He will have to fight for recognition and stand strong against posturing Alphas who believe they are inherently better.
A Beta has never led a major sect, but that was before. Attempt the impossible right?
Well at least he had not presented as an Omega.
That may have been a complication too far.
But still his body feels wrong.
Jiang Cheng marks it down to the new golden core. It is a complication, but one it doesn’t feel right to complain about.
He has a core once again. He will adapt.
Right now finding his brother is what is most important.
They find Wei Wuxian, who no longer smells like himself. His new scent evokes images of bones found in a desert, years after scavengers had picked it clean, with a hint of the sweet smell of decay.
But Lan Wangji is stubborn, and a Lan. Bonds are sacred. If you are lucky to have found your bonded, that is it. It is why his father was allowed to keep his mother, even confined as she was. And although they haven't officially bonded, the intent is there.
So he does what he can to try and help Wei Wuxian, even when he is rebuffed.
Wei Ying returns.
So much has happened and the reveal at Lotus Pier is shocking. Lan Wangji may be uncomfortable with what he hears, but Wei Ying is unconscious and all he wants to do is to get his intended away. Get him somewhere safe where he can care for him.
Then the events at Guanyin Temple happens and he and Wei Ying are finally free to be together.
Wei Ying wants to leave and Lan Wangji had vowed to never leave his bonded's side again. So they elope and roam the Jianghu.
Lan Wangji is elated. And then he is not. And it makes him feel guilty. Is this what a bond should feel like? He always thought there would be more. He had expected to feel more - complete.
He is happy. He is. But there is so much he misses.
He misses home. He did not expect to. Wei Ying is meant to be home.
Is Xiongzhang ok? They left abruptly, but Shufu had arrived and he and Wei Ying are better off not sharing the same space.
He misses Shufu too, but he knows Lan Sizhui is there and they will all look out for each other.
Post Guanyin temple and Jiang Cheng is reeling. All those revelations.
The Jin’s are all vipers, but even he had not suspected this extent of treachery from Jin Guangyao.
It is however the revelations prior to the temple, at Lotus Pier, his home, his safe haven, that eats at him.
After all these years, he finally has some answers.
He now knows that it is not due to his own failure that his body has been fighting him all these years. It's not due to an innate weakness in him, as he had always believed, but an outside element. Over the years he has had to exert an enormous amount of control over his body in order to function.
Everything has been a fight and he had believed it was because of him.
A flaw within himself.
After all, it was his flaws that made it impossible to earn his father's love. Why he could never meet his mother's expectations. Why he wasn't fast enough or strong enough, or just enough to save his sister.
Why his shidi, his brother, left him behind and chose others over him time and time again.
But this is not because of him. Not his flaw.
Instead it is due to Wei Wuxian's arrogant belief that he knew better than everyone else.
Because he was always praised as the smartest, the fastest, the strongest, the best.
And had fooled himself into believing that because he was the best he knew better and therefore had the power to decide for others what was best for them.
And then withholding vital information even after his act was a fait accompli.
Jang Chiang is starting to anger.
It is his go to. His fuel. He had used it to climb up from the ashes, dragging his sect with him. He had used his anger to keep ambitious Alphas at bay and away from his sect.
He had built a reputation on his anger, and it had all been warranted.
But this anger includes bone deep hurt.
And he would rid himself of it.
He refuses to live his life beholden. A life that has been a struggle to live anyway.
He knows what he needs to do, but will require some aid.
Chapter 2
Jiang Cheng is no stranger to hard work. Or to strong-arming his way around when needed. He makes liberal use of both to get Jin Ling set up in Jinlin Tai.
He makes sure the boy has adequate support at hand. And makes it known that nothing in the world will stay his hand should an accident befall the young sect leader. He then goes to see his old teacher at Cloud Recesses.
Lan Qiren is very sympathetic to his cause, and offers to aid where he can, but he has a request of his own. His nephew is not doing well in seclusion and nothing Lan Qiren says is helping. The older Beta hopes that Jiang Cheng, who has seen his own share of adversity and has still managed to come out standing strong on the other side, would be able to lend some perspective.
Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen start spending time together. The elder Jade drawing strength from Jiang Cheng.
Jiang Cheng manages to convince him that he cannot take on the actions of another as his own. That he is needed and there are better ways to atone, if he is intent on doing that.
Lan Xichen starts engaging with sect matters more, freeing up Lan Qiren to do more research. When Lan Xichen finds out what they are doing, he insists on helping. It is Lan Xichen who finds the first piece of information needed to set them on the right path.
They find a way to return Wei Wuxian's core, but Lan Qiren finds something else too. The text hints to a core restoration, but the translation is incomplete.
While Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren do more research, Jiang Cheng prepares.
He starts cutting himself off from accessing the core and starts a strenuous training routine without it. He swims and deep dives to build up his lungs. Works out with a sword, even if he cannot wield Sandu or Zidian. He is surprised when although he cannot connect to Zidian without accessing the core, Zidian also does not leave him. This too gives him hope.
With him cut off from the golden core, he expects to feel like he did when he lost his core the first time, but he doesn't. It may be a result of him being better prepared. Perhaps it's the lack of trauma. The violent, forcible expulsion of his core would have a major impact on its own, and then add in his parents’ death and the destruction of his home.
Or maybe, it is because his body no longer has to fight the foreign element implanted without his permission.
Right now he feels both physically and mentally strong.
He is aware that without the core he has no chance of ever beating a Cultivator in a fight, but he might just be able to live a fulfilling life without one.
He reads and rereads the texts Lan Qiren had translated. And finds hope that he may manage to do it after all.
During all this, Lan Xichen and he become closer. They reach a level of understanding where they know each other in a way no one else does. It is Jiang Cheng who makes the first move. It takes all his courage to expose himself so emotionally, but he placed himself on a new path and is surrounding himself with people he can trust.
And he trusts that should Lan Xichen reject him, their friendship will remain unscathed.
Jiang Cheng will just need to gather the shreds of his dignity and move past it. But for Lan Xichen and the chance of something more, he will do it.
Lan Xichen does not rebuff him.
He has in fact been feeling the same, but was intimidated by Jiang Cheng.
Jiang Cheng says he cannot understand what about him would intimidate Zewu-Jun. Lan Xichen says he has a list.
Foremost is his awe of Jiang Cheng's fortitude and unwillingness to let anyone knock him down and keep him there.
How Jiang Cheng has endured so much and just came out stronger. How he never lost who he was and how despite everything, he somehow still managed to retain his honest nature. Lan Xichen himself had faltered at the first sign of adversity and he does not feel that he can bring anything significant to a partnership.
Jiang Cheng laughs and says that's just his stubbornness Lan Xichen is listing. Besides, there is something invaluable Lan Xichen does for him.
Lan Xichen never makes him feel as if he is lacking. And although they both have responsibilities and people higher on their list of priorities, Lan Xichen has never made him feel like he is second best. And that's very important to him. And if Lan Xichen chooses him, like he chooses Lan Xichen, then what more could he wish for.
Lan Qiren comes back with the completed translation. It is possible to create a new core, but it will not be easy and neither is it guaranteed. Jiang Cheng will need to go into seclusion. A year, maybe more. And it will need to be completely free from distractions. He may neither see nor speak to another. He may only eat what he creates and never between sunrise and sunset. He may only use what tools he creates. He may only wear whatever clothing he makes. The list goes on.
The hardest part will not be the isolation, but in learning how to circulate and manipulate the Qi through his meridians by will. And to then attempt to create and grow the core himself. He may need to create new pathways if his meridians are blocked or burned.
And if he successfully creates the seed of the core, he cannot stop. He is expected to work on it for hours, neither eating nor resting.
Should he pause, the seed will stop growing and there will be no going forward or back. That will be his core. The size and strength only confined by its creator's will and endurance. It may not be possible. It’s probably not even probable. If he fails, he will be lucky if he only loses a few years of an already shortened lifespan to a fruitless experiment. If he is unlucky, he will die alone in excruciating pain.
Lan Xichen has reservations. It is a big risk, but Lan Qiren believes that Jiang Cheng would be capable. He says he knows of no other with a stronger will than the Jiang Sect Leader. Jiang Cheng is gratified by the faith Lan Qiren has in him. Lan Xichen is still worried.
Jiang Cheng has preparations to make. He sorts out his succession and appoints a regent for while he is gone. He had put his own blood, sweat and tears into re-building Lotus Pier so he already has many of the necessary skills needed to survive, but spends time learning the skills he still lack. There is no need to go into this without whatever preparations he can.
And then all that's left is to tell Jin Ling.
It does not go well.
All Jin Ling hears are the risks and he kicks against the whole idea. The core may have started out as Wei Wuxian's, but it is completely Jiujiu's now. A core is a tool. It is the person who uses it that dictates what it does. It has nothing to do with Wei Wuxian anymore. And he cannot take Jiujiu's accomplishments. All Wei Wuxian had accomplished before his death was to shield people who died anyway.
Jiang Cheng has to remind him that Wei Wuxian was mostly the one responsible for winning them the war.
Yes, but after that what did he do but kill. Jiujiu built. And created. And made Lotus Pier and Jin Ling what they are. Jiujiu. Not the core.
Jiang Cheng is forced to tell him how he has been fighting the core for years. How he no longer has the will to keep fighting it. And if he does not do anything about it now, a day will come when it causes a qi-deviation. He would rather sort this out before then.
There are tears. But Jin Ling has always easily been brought to tears. Jiang Cheng fears his nephew gets it from him.
The last week before Jiang Cheng leaves, Jin Ling and Lan Xichen stay over in Lotus Pier. They go swimming and show Lan Xichen where to pick the best lotuses. Which ones have the best seeds and how to make tea from them.
It is idyllic, but has the desperate air of granting a loved one a dying wish.
Lan Qiren arrives without a retinue on their last day to aid in the core extraction and to see him off.
It is hard to say goodbye, but Jiang Cheng knows this is the only way.
Lan Xichen assures him that he will be waiting for him no matter what. Jin Ling threatens to find him and break his legs if he doesn't come back. Lan Qiren once again assures him that he has faith he can do it.
Jiang Cheng has never felt so loved.
He makes them all leave for home with promises that they will not come looking for him until he seeks them out first.
To avoid anyone searching for him before he has achieved his goals, he tells no one where he is going.
The next morning he sets off alone towards the mountain where it all started.
Part 3
The bond has still not formed.
Perhaps it's due to Wei Ying coming back in a different body. He and Wei Ying are not in sync and he fears that they no longer actually share a soul.
Was it severed with his death?
If so, he has more to blame Jiang Wanyin for than he initially thought. Nothing in their interaction indicates a bond. But Lan Wangji knows what he felt when they first met.
Wei Ying calls Lan Zhan a fuddy duddy when he points out that they are running short of funds and would need to be more careful what they spend it on. It is no longer said in a fond tone.
Wei Ying drinks too much. Forgetting that his new Omega body can no longer handle alcohol the way he did as an Alpha. Lan Wangji cleans him up and tucks him in. He no longer performs the task lovingly. They still profess their love daily, but it feels almost perfunctory.
A year and a half after the events at Guanyin Temple, they make their way home.
Cloud Recesses has not changed and Lan Wangji has never been more pleased for that. He takes a deep breath of the crisp mountain air and feels home. Settled. The way he has not in the last year and a half.
He escorts Wei Ying to the Jingshi before seeking out Shufu and Xiongzhang to let them know of his return.
Shufu welcomes him back, but the mood sours when he hears that Wei Ying has accompanied him. He informs Shufu that Wei Ying is his husband.
The disappointment is clear.
Shufu informs him that they will have a family banquet once Lan Xichen returns from Lotus Pier. Lan Wangji does not question. Xiongzhang is a sect leader and has cause to visit other sects.
Brother returns and welcomes Lan Wangji back warmly. It's been years since they have been this close, and he has missed brother too.
Xiongzhang greets Wei Ying as well and welcomes him as Lan Wangji’s husband. Shufu says nothing.
They have the family banquet where Lan Jingyi sits at the seat reserved for the heir. There has been some changes after all.
Some things however still remains the same as it seems that the time they have been away has not tempered Lan Jingyi in the least. He bombards them with questions, while pretending not to notice Shufu's disapproval.
It is when the bell that indicates the end of meal times ring, that Xiongzhang announces he has something for Wei Ying. It was left here for him by Jiang Wanyin.
Xiongzhang returns and places a bottle of Emperor's Smile in front of Wei Ying.
Without missing a beat, Wei Ying pulls the stopper and downs the contents.
Chaos ensues.
It was not Emperor's Smile inside the vessel at all. But Wei Ying’s returned golden core.
It is perhaps good that Wei Ying had never bothered to try and cultivate Mo Xuanyu's weak core as it had mostly dwindled to nothing. The new golden core would have had to fight for dominance and who knows how that would have affected him.
The effects of Wei Ying downing the core had been frightening enough.
His body had not taken to it instantly and had tried to expel it rather violently.
When the core eventually settled in its rightful place, it lit up his insides like a lantern and Lan Wangji had worried it would burn Wei Ying from the inside out.
Everything has settled and Wei Ying is resting with the help of a sleeping draught administered by the healer.
Xiongzhang tells Lan Wangji that although he knew what the container held, he had not expected Wei Ying to just down it without a word.
Wei Ying wakes up.
He is different.
He is still Wei Ying. Irreverent, with a personality larger than life. But his scent has changed.
The scent is different to what Lan Wangji remembers from their first meeting. The smell of lotuses on the breeze is not there. He still smells of water, but now it’s overlaid with the scent of dawn redwood trees found along the Yunmeng river.
The scent however comes and goes and the Healer informs them it is due to Wei Ying's body adjusting to the change.
He is also no longer an Omega and his scent will eventually fade.
The healer's best guess is that since the Wei Ying of the previous life and the original owner of the Golden Core had been an Alpha, and Mo Xuanyu, the original owner of his new body had been an Omega, the body would do its best to do away with the disparity and it did so by choosing a middle ground.
Wei Ying is now a Beta.
There is much change in store, but with his original core back, he can be just as strong as he previously was. He may no longer be either an Alpha or an Omega, but Sandu Shengshou himself had proven that Betas did not have to stand back for either gender.
Wei Ying demands to know what happened to Jiang Wanyin. If his golden core was in the vessel, now inside Wei Ying, then where is Jiang Cheng?
Lan Wangji tries to calm his husband. Jiang Wanyin is no longer their worries.
The man who is responsible for much of Wei Ying's woes is out of their lives. Had Wei Ying himself not asked that of him?
Xiongzhang had not been happy with Lan Wangji when he heard his reply. He says that as Lan Wangji's husband Wei Ying is welcome at Cloud Recesses, but Jiang Wanyin is very important to him too and he will not have him disparaged. None of Jiang Wanyin's actions had been the cause of Wei Ying's trouble. He should rather look at who was the cause of Jiang Wanyin's troubles.
Wei Ying says none of that matters. Where is Jiang Cheng!
Neither Xiongzhang nor Shufu answer other than to say he is not available.
They are forced to wait for Lan Jingyi to visit to try and get some more information.
And what Lan Jingyi had is mostly gossip.
All unsubstantiated even though Lan Jingyi had asked Jin Ling about it himself. What they do know is that it has been over a year since Sandu Shengshou was last seen. Rumour has it that he was cursed and had gone mad. Locked up in the dungeons of Lotus Pier where he kept the Demonic Cultivators he used to torture. Or that he has left the sect and is now a Rogue Cultivator.
As soon as Wei Ying is able he, accompanied by Lan Wangji make their way to Lotus Pier.
They do not even make it as far as the gates before their way is barred.
They are informed that the way is closed to Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. Anyone who desecrates the sanctity of the Lianhua Wu ancestral hall are not welcome on Lotus Pier. Any further attempt to enter without invitation will be taken as a declaration of war from the Lan sect.
Lan Wangji has to drag Wei Ying away.
Two months later, a Jin butterfly arrives for Xiongzhang mid-meal. He reads it, passes it to Shufu and they both leave immediately.
Lan Jingyi is left gaping.
It had to have been important and may have something to do with Jin Ling or perhaps even Jiang Cheng.
Wei Ying decides to follow.
He is still not quite steady on his sword, so Lan Wangji accompanies him to Jinlin Tai.
Part 4
Jin Ling had been horrified at the state his jiujiu had been in when he returned and had immediately plied his uncle with food, insisting he accompany him to the kitchens while he prepares him food himself.
Jiang Cheng follows with a fond smile. He and Jin Ling had done so much of their bonding in kitchens over soup.
Jiang Cheng is well aware how emaciated he looks, but he thinks much of Jin Ling's protectiveness is due to Jiang Cheng's new Omega status.
And had that not been a surprise.
He was not sure how Lan Xichen will react to his secondary gender change, but he can't see him turning him away for it. And the sun will rise from the West before he gives up charge of his sect just because he is now an Omega. The cultivation world was still very behind the times and Jiang Cheng intends to upend their world view and drag them into a more enlightened age if need be.
He has already shown himself capable as a Beta and will do so as an Omega as well.
Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren arrive in a few short hours and Jiang Cheng and Jin Ling meet them at the gates. Jiang Cheng had time to have a good meal, a hot bath and a change of clothes. Since he has permanent rooms at Koi Towers he is able to change into his sect robes as well and feels much better for it.
He is therefore much better presented when the Lan's arrive.
He barely has time to bow in greeting when they alight before Lan Xichen is on him.
Patting him down and exclaiming about how much weight he has lost. And from one blink to the next, Lan Xichen has him in his arms and is kissing him right there in front of Lan Qiren, Jin Ling and whoever cares to pass by.
It is only when Lan Qiren rather loudly clears his throat, that Lan Xichen stops, still not releasing Jiang Cheng.
Jiang Cheng blushes down to his roots. Jin Ling, never one to pass up a chance to embarrass his poor Jiujiu, turns to Lan Qiren and says, "Shall we retire to my office to discuss the dowry?"
Lan Qiren who is wearing his own smirk says, "Betrothal gifts will be prepared."
"You two are getting ahead of yourselves"
"Are they my heart?"
Jiang Cheng buries his red face in Lan Xichen's neck, who just gathers him closer.
"Jiang Wanyin. You are an Omega!"
"Surprise?"
It is Jin Ling who spots more travellers in the sky. "Is that Hanguang-jun and Wei Wuxian?"
Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen separate as the couple, both riding Bichen, approaches.
Just as Lan Wangji nears the group, a familiar scent hits him.
Lotus flower and honey.
He looks for it, makes eye contact with Jiang Wanyin and promptly falls from his sword, taking Wei Wuxian with him.
It can't be. He lies dazed on the ground just staring up at Jiang Wanyin who stares down at him in horror.
"Oh no. I'm not doing this." Jiang Wanyin walks away.
"Lan Zhan. What's that about? Jiang Cheng! Hey! Why are you walking away!"
"I thought it was you. But it is not you. Jiang Wanyin is my bonded."
The whole core restoration process had been gruelling.
Jiang Cheng had honestly had many moments where he doubted he would be able to complete it. And it was only his stubbornness that made him stick it out.
Even so, there was a time when he faltered and Zidian, previously dormant on his wrist, had connected to Jiang Cheng's fledgling core and had lent it its strength. He and his spiritual weapon are now forever entwined.
And when he and Zidian were too wrapped up in their shiny new core, it was the ringing of his Jiang bell that brought him back. A reminder of the family waiting for him. Not just people waiting for him to fulfil obligations, but family waiting there just for him.
He now has a complete golden core once again. One that is fully in sync with his body. He had forgotten what that felt like.
His beloved nephew who always brings light into his life is also settled.
And now he has finally found someone who loves him as much as he loves them. Who chose him and whom he chose too.
And now this bullshit.
Now when he finally has some control over his own life.
Lan Xichen coaxes Jiang Cheng out of his room and they meet everyone in Jin Ling's office.
Lan Wangji attempts to come closer, but Lan Xichen places himself firmly between them.
It is not just Alpha posturing.
Jiang Cheng is clearly uncomfortable and if they are going to get through this conversation, his comfort is essential.
Lan Xichen hovers and Jiang Cheng sees his worry.
He reaches over, takes Lan Xichen's hand and pulls him down to sit beside him. He entwines their fingers, before looking over at Lan Wangji and says, "Okay. Let's talk."
"We are bonded."
"No."
Lan Wangji looks frustrated. "We are."
Jiang Cheng sighs and says, "The possibility is there. It means we are compatible. But we are not bonded, because I reject the bond."
"You cannot reject the bond."
"I can and I have.
You are married Hanguang-Jun. And I don't know what part of me has given you the impression I would be okay with that. Are you expecting me to join you and Wei Wuxian as part of your harem? I may be an Omega now, but I am still me. Or do you plan on discarding him instead?"
"Why do you even want me Hanguang-Jun? When you have made your hate for me clear."
"I did not know." Lan Wangji says anguished.
"That is a pretty weak excuse. Has your opinion of me changed now that we are supposed bondmates?
Am I no longer a killer? Unfilial? Ill-tempered? Disloyal? Am I no longer responsible for anything and everything that has happened to Wei Wuxian?
Because if I am no longer responsible, then who is?"
"Are you willing to overlook all that just because we are compatible?"
Jiang Cheng looks over at Wei Wuxian and answers it himself, "Of course you are. It's what you have been doing all along."
"You are a child Hanguang-jun, who wilfully closes his eyes and rejects a reality he does not like. I cannot live like that. Unlike you, I have too many responsibilities and too many people depending on me to do so."
"You cannot just ignore our bond. It is sacred." Lan Wangji appeals.
"My golden core was ripped from me before I even presented. And it may have been well-meaning, but in his arrogance, Wei Wuxian replaced mine with his. He did not ask. He just did. And even after it was done, I was not told about it. Because my ego is too fragile. Not because I had just lost my whole world and was overwhelmed. But because my ego is too fragile."
Jiang Cheng fully faces Wei Wuxian, who possibly for the first time in his life has nothing to say.
"Instead, he took away my control and my choice. Forcing my body to fight itself daily to control a core that is not mine. Then leaves me to deal with it on my own. Meanwhile, he breaks oaths and disavows our sect and I am the one called disloyal. I have been held accountable for his actions my whole life. Never learned how to break free from that cycle.
But that is not what this is about.
What I need you to understand, Hanguang-jun is that my body has been through a lot, much of which was forced on me and some through circumstance. Very little through choice. I will not have chance or compatibility or anyone else but me dictate my life or happiness.
You say the bond is sacred. To me, agency and my freedom to choose is more so. I do not choose this bond and this bond will not choose for me. I have found my happiness, and it will be with Lan Xichen as long as he will have me.
And even if Lan Xichen will no longer have me, it will not steer me toward you and your bond.
You are very privileged that by the grace of your family and their status, you have been allowed to make your own choices and you have done so. Free from any influence. Now I make mine.
I wish you and your husband happiness, but it will not include me.